Rejected

Monday, December 14, 2009
I've never been particularly interested in being a "cool mom" and a "friend" to my kids. The way I see it, my job as a parent has always been to ensure the Smart Twins reach adulthood with the desire and the capability to be contributing members of society, and performing that job would be hindered by a "friend" relationship. Once they're off the payroll and on their own, then I can see our relationship evolving into one where we can become friends. It's not that I don't like them - we're just not equals yet, and I consider equality to be a prerequisite for friendship.

Which probably explains why neither of the Smart Twins is willing to "friend" me on Facebook. The Smart Boy has never been willing to friend me, maintaining that he wasn't really interested in having his Mommy be his friend on Facebook (although he seems perfectly willing to have his Mommy help him pay his bills). The Smart Girl initially friended me, and I have recently discovered that she has unfriended me.

I'm not sure how I feel about either of those things.

On the one hand, until they're fully adult, I don't want our current relationship to be based on friendship. Their unwillingness to "friend" me simply reflects the relationship that I myself have generated, and makes sense.

On the other hand, they are in fact approaching adulthood, and I would like our relationship to start to mature into one that is based more on equal footing. Apparently they're not there yet, though, and the fact that the Smart Girl unfriended me after first deciding to have that connection makes me feel squicky.

Add this to the fact that neither child seems very interested in keeping me informed about their lives, and I'm feeling the harsh, harsh burn of PARENTAL REJECTION. Intellectually, I understand the need and the desire to move away from your parental units at this stage of life. It's a necessary step towards independence, and I far prefer the process of becoming unnecessary than that of raising emotionally crippled children who have no interest in developing their own ability to manage their life independently. Emotionally? Not so much.

Does this parenting thing EVER get any easier? EVER?

::tap, tap::

Is this thing on?

I thought so.

13 comments:

vince said...

In my opinion, parts fo it gets easier, but parts don't.

I'm fortunate in that my daughter and I are very close, and talk usually once a week or so. And while we can (and do) talk about almost anything, including sometimes very personal things, there's a lot of her life I don't know a lot about, and vice versa. I trust that she will make reasonably good decisions (and she usually does) and I also realize I won't agree with everything she does (and again, vice versa).

The hardest thing for me has been not to try and "fix" things for her every time she runs in to a problem. This doesn't mean I don't help her when she needs it, but it's important she know how to deal with problems without me. Again, I think she does pretty well in that area, but it's very hard sometimes to watch her struggle through problems that I could easily fix even when I know the best thing is to let her figure it out herself.

Venus Vaughn said...

Before I got rid of my Facebook altogether I rejected every member of my family who wanted to friend me there. Except my sister, who never wants to friend me anywhere else (including real life).

I was about 35 at the time of the rejection and my feeling was, and remains, as follows. My family has access to every other means of contacting me. They have phone, e-mail, my address, text messages, vacations etc. In your house, I'm sure they also have the dinner table and myriad other face-to-face options.

My online life is one of the few places that is for friends alone. It's private. If I want to share something in particular with family, I know how to find them. If they want to share something internet related to me they have half a dozen ways of getting me that information. They don't need any more.

I don't know if that'll help you with the feelings of rejection, but mayhaps it'll help you with a bit of perspective from the "child's" perspective.

Eric said...

I think even at nearly 38 years of age, if I was on Facebook, I'd feel a twinge of embarrassment if I was friended by my parents. I think I'm old enough to get over it now, but I do think there's a little bit of an instinctive thing there, that residue from when you didn't want your pals to see you being kissed when you were dropped off at school or the times you felt awkward when you had friends over to your home and your parents tried to be "cool."

It still surprises me that my parents read my blog.

I suspect that their desire for Facebook independence reflects on their peer relationships more than it reflects on you. They may not want all of their friends ragging them for being "Friends" with their Mom. There also may be an element of wanting some illusion of privacy from their parents, too.

I wouldn't fret over it. Like you say, it's the natural order of things. And social networking sites come and go--you'll always be their Mom.

Jeri said...

My initial, black-humored response was to think, "Crap, that'd limit my opportunities to embarrass them in public, and that's one of my life goals!" But that doesn't help, sorry!

I don't know what's worse, having them assert their independence painfully - or having them be irritatingly, overly dependent, even if it is for legitimate mental health reasons. Can we put ours in a blender and see what the result is?

I agree; you don't want to be their friend. And while my kids know I adore them, enjoy their company and am captain of their cheering squad - I'm not their buddy. I retain the right to set firm boundaries and bite their head off if need be.

You're right. Parenting sucks, and each phase has its own unique challenges. I keep waiting for the easy one. :/

::big hugs::

Jeri said...

Disclaimer: I count among my facebook friends both my kids, my mom and sister, my ex-husband and his wife, and my former mother-in-law. (Also several cousins, other in-laws & ex-in-laws, etc) It seems to work for me.

neurondoc said...

All of these interesting situations I have to look forward to... :-)

Dr. Phil (Physics) said...

Don't have kids. But I don't let my students Friend me -- I'm not their Friend. They can read my blog, they can join the class Facebook group and they can call or email or visit all they want.

My parents read my blog because I email it to their Presto HP Printing Mailbox. (grin) They will never be my Friends on Facebook -- they have no computers and no interest in same.

Still, I'm sure I would've Friended my folks if we'd had computers when I was a kid -- because I was always more of an adult, or at least more comfortable talking with adults, than kids. (double-grin)

But I wouldn't worry about them not Friending you -- I've seen some of the banalities and silliness that leaks onto Facebook from their mad texting, and it's mainly nonsense. Not even good stuff to embarrass them about later. (evil-grin)

Dr. Phil

mom in northern said...

Does get earier? Nope it does not.
I wore that same shoe for awhile myself.. :-)

SimplyComplicated said...

I find it interesting because I had the exact opposite situation. My mother sent me a friend request on Facebook and before accepting I sent her a message saying that she may not like some of the things that she saw here but that I didn't intend to censor myself just because she was there. She withdrew her request saying, "I didn't really think I wanted to be your friend but I didn't want you to feel left out either." (She and my sister had become Facebook friends.)

I don't really know what light this sheds on the situation really, I just found it interesting.

Unfortunately though, from what I hear the parenting thing doesn't get any easier, the hard things just become different.

Anne C. said...

Not being a parent, I have no idea if it gets easier, but I have this nugget (you'll have to be the judge what it's a "nugget of"):

My mum (who is my friend, but was not until I was an adult) says that you're never really free to really be yourself until your parents are *dead*.

Naturally, this was a little discomfiting, since it was coming from my own mum.

Your children are probably trying to have the illusion that there is some place that they are not affected by their relationship with you. I think by the time we mature, we realize there's no way to do this, just as there is no way to get away from our own flaws. Eventually, we accept our flaws and our relationships with those who raised us and get on with life.

Janiece said...

Thanks for your thoughts, folks. I'm dealing with my issues (like I have another choice).

As my Hot Mom used to say, it'll all come out in the wash.

Random Michelle K said...

I second the possibility of self-censoring.

My blog is open to the world, and as such, I have to watch what I way there. I can choose who reads what I write on Facebook, which (in theory) allows me to be more open about what I say.

Now, I have to admit that I friended my father on facebook, however, I knew when I did so that he would almost never get on (and in fact did so only so he could see pictures of my cousin's kids) so it doesn't really matter, since he'll almost certainly never see anything I write there.

My mother on the other hand? No. If she got on Facebook I would not friend her. First, because she would actually use it. Second, because to be blunt, we're not friends.

I do not--and never have--felt comfortable sharing things with my mother. I can talk to my father and my aunt and my uncle about my mental health issues, but not my mother. That's just the way our relationship is, and I accept that. I am not going to censor myself in a semi-private space because I don't feel comfortable with her reading what I write.

Is there ever a chance of us becoming friends? Unlikely.

But that doesn't mean the same is true for you and your daughter.

You both have to be open to allowing friendship to develop, and it may take awhile, but it can happen (hell, my brother was in his 20s before we became friends, and no one ever thought that would happen).

I know this doesn't make you feel better, but it is how it is.

Tania said...

I agree with most of what Michelle said. I have cousins and an aunt I have friended. I have others that, no, I have not, and if they do I will ignore the request. I want almost nothing to do with them IRL, why would I want the stress of online interaction as well?

For your kids, they're asserting their independence and privacy. Which sucks for you. But, good for them.

Remember, I live with cats that get supplied with fish and catnip, so I'm not exactly the most objective person when it comes to mammals I am responsible for.