Live Blogging the Apocolypse

Tuesday, May 17, 2011
As we all know, Rapture is going to occur on Saturday. We know this, of course, because the Bible says it's true, and we crunched the numbers and whatnot. RAPTURE. On SATURDAY.

For what should be obvious reasons, I will be Left Behind. And you know what? I'm okay with that. Because on Saturday I'm going to be shopping and having lunch with the Fabulous Stacey™ and the Incomparable Anne™, and it would surely irk me if I suddenly got snatched up to Heaven right after I paid for my next Coach bag. 

So as a service to us Heathens, I will be Live Blogging the Apocalypse from my phone, providing periodic updates about the prevalence of zombies*, looters, and other amazing occurrences. Of course, we'll only be Witnessing events in the shopping areas that the Fabulous Stacey™ selects for us, but I'm going out on a limb and positing that they'll be indicative of goings-on throughout the country.

Stay tuned for exciting events as they unfold, Hot Chicks and Smart Men. I'm sure it's going to be a BLAST.

___________
*Don't some people believe that on the day of Rapture, dead folks will be bodily transported to heaven? That makes them zombies, yes? And what the hell happens to those who have been cremated? Reconstitution, like in an MRE? Or are they just shit out of luck? Inquiring minds want to know!

28 comments:

Matt said...

This has some real possibilities! I'm thinking city traffic will be better, more tee times will open up at the golf course, all of these pain in the ass fb'ers and tweeps who constantly remind us how devout and holy they are will be gone . . . hell yeah!

Nathan said...

You're in luck! According to something I read somewhere by someone (I swear, I'm not making this up), the Rapture will happen at precisely 6:00 p.m. local time in each time zone! (Now follow along closely)...It's supposed to start in Pacific time, so it won't actually get around to you until Sunday! W00t.

I'm at a loss as to how all those earthquakes and tsunamis are just going to stop at the borders of each time zone until 6:00 pm rolls around into the next one and I'm not sure how they'll deal with the half-hour difference in Newfoundland, but those guys are supposed to be a little bit "off" to begin with, so I guess they'll manage.

Nathan said...

Matt, you're thinking a whole lot more people are going to be saved than I predict. Most of us will still be here and the only ones missing are going to be three old ladies from Piscataway. That's not gonna do much for your commute.

The Mechanicky Gal said...

Matt - I am fairly sure that a LOT of people that THINK they are getting raptured on outta here aren't.
Thanks for the time update Nathan! I knew I read it somewhere, now I know that I'LL BE THE FIRST (along with Carol Elaine, and Jeri, oh! and Jim!)
So i repeat my advice, wear clean underwear and if I remember, Janiece, I'll send you some live updates as it happens!

Karl said...

Apparently, it's supposed to be in the neighborhood of 200M or so people / bodies. From all I hear, about half the local population will be going.

I'll be up on my favorite view hill, in a lawn chair, watching them rise like flailing fireworks and ballooning spider-lings. I'll bring my phone with a fresh battery...

Oh, and if it doesn't happen they all have to shut the hell up about it - FOREVER.

vince said...

The whole concept of the rapture is nonsense. There is no mention of any such concept by any early church writer, and the concept can be traced back to the late 1500s.

The earliest parts of it began with a Jesuit priest named Francisco Ribera and a book he wrote on the book of Revelation titled In Sacrum Beati Ioannis Apostoli, & Evangelistiae Apocalypsin Commentarij published in 1590. According to Ribera, Daniel and Revelation were "futuristic" in their fulfillment, and are focused on the final seven years of history. It was written to fight against those evil Protestants who held that the Pope was the Antichrist, and that the end times were a-happenin'.

Then about 1790 another Jesuit priest, Manuel De Lacunza, wrote a book called La Venida del Mesías en Gloria y Magestad ("The Coming of the Messiah in Glory and Majesty"), under the pen name of Juan Josafa [Rabbi] Ben-Ezra. Lacunza expanded Ribera's arguments, preaching even more forcefully that Antichrist would appear near the end of time.

Ribera's teachings were picked up by John Nelson Darby, a 19th century Irish lawyer turned Anglican preacher. It was Darby that first developed a full-blown theology that incorporated the teaching that Jesus would return secretly (His "second" coming) to rapture His true followers, that those left behind would be ruled by an evil antichrist for seven years, and that Jesus would then return again (His "third" coming) in a visible, glorious coming to destroy Antichrist, save those who were converted during the seven-year tribulation, and establish His own kingdom on earth.

Cyrus Scofield, a disciple of Darby's, then incorporated Darby's view into the the notes of his now-famous Scofield Reference Bible.

Ain't gonna be no rapture, no how, no way.

Steve Buchheit said...

So, I'll be able to get a good reservation at Che' Expensive at 7pm, then. Right?

Vince, you forgot Miller and the idea of Epochs in the Bible.

Plus, as I remember Revelations, there will only be 144000 on the right hand of the Christ. Man, the left side is going to be awfully crowded.

Janiece said...

Thanks, Vince. I hoped you'd weigh in on the details. And Karl - you're dreaming if you think those whackadoos are going to shut the hell up about ANYTHING. They'll simply move the goalpost, like always.

WendyB_09 said...

Huh, thought it was happening on Friday, may have to change my plans for the weekend. Although I still plan to be drinking heavily with my good friend "Jack", just will be at a different venue.

And laughing!!!

PS - Matt, I'm thinking along your lines, with all the holier-than-thous here in Da South, this should clear up a good bit of the commuter traffic !

Jeri said...

I have a 3rd floor loft master bedroom with a view of part of the city. I'm thinking it'd be a great evening to be curled up in bed early with the guy and a glass of wine and watch the mayhem. Or non-mayhem, as the case may be. Maybe a good zombie or post-apocalyptic movie on the DVD player might add to the ambiance.

Shawn Powers said...

I had this date in my Google Calendar so I wouldn't forget. I emailed the link to our new pastor, and he was THRILLED.

His plan is to go for an extended ride on his Harley this week, since he has no sermon to prepare for. (There was mention of blaming me if things should go wrong, but what are the chances? IT'S IN THE BIBLE, according to the website.)

Random Michelle K said...

Oooh! Since I'll be in Cinci with Susan, perhaps I should liveblog from there!

"At Graeters for ice cream. Lines don't seem to be any shorter."

"Now we're shopping for books. Still lots of people here."

"Back in line at Graeters. Hope my halo still fits after all this."

Eric said...

Oh, great. I just realized I have, what, four days to read all those Left Behind books so I'm properly prepped for the big day? Like I don't have enough to do already.

Janiece said...

Eric, if you intend to read those books, you're going to to need considerably more than a six pack of good beer. From everything I've heard, they're not only poorly written, but boring as shit.

But if you're willing to give it a go, I'll spring for some decent hard liquor...

Eric said...

Temptress!

Nathan said...

Ooh! Ooh! I'll read 'em!

John the Scientist said...

Ya know, I'm going to be on a plane bound for sunny (snerk) London at that time. I sure hope my pilots are Muslims! :D

Nathan said...

John,

You mean so they'll still be in the cockpit when it's time to land?

::snerk::

And no, the irony of that sentence isn't lost on me in the least.

::double snerk::

Sharon said...

I hope you realize that most sane people who give credence to the Bible (and yes, we are millions) agree that this May 21 cult are a bunch of seriously disturbed people. They annoy and embarrass the heck out of me. I can't speak for them, but neither do they speak for me any more than the Westboro Baptist Church does.

I very much enjoy your blog, BTW.

Warner (aka ntsc) said...

The Koch brothers have purchased control of who is getting raptured and seem to be limiting it to about 400 plus them.

It is not known at this time if the female corpse de ballet of the NYC Ballet is included in that 400 or are just going along for the fun.

Warner (aka ntsc) said...

http://dagblog.com/humor-satire/koch-brothers-donations-give-them-final-say-rapture-10296

Sorry this should have been included in the above.

I read it on the Internet so it must be true.

Janiece said...

Welcome, Sharon.

I do indeed realize that what you say is true. While I am not a believer myself, at least half of this community (including half the commenters on this post) are, and they obviously believe as you do.

My Aunt's comment on Facebook said it best: "Doesn't say anywhere in my Bible- May 21, 2011. It does say that "no man knows, only the Father."" Just so.

And don't even get me started on those WBC fuckers.

Warner, thanks for the link. It maketh me to giggle.

David said...

Oh, Eric - spare yourself the Left Behind books. I slogged through one and all it taught me was that True Believers should never write books about anything that they Truly Believe in.

That would have been an interesting set-up for a skeptic to write ("Great Scot! The Rapture is real! Now what?") but all it turned out to be was an extended riff on "How could I have ever doubted you, Mr. Whackdoodle Evangelical Sir?"

It's like reading Cold War spy novels written by John Birchers.

Janiece said...

David, I'd heard they were simply dreadful. I'm glad someone with good taste thinks so, too.

Warner (aka ntsc) said...

We've got friends, one of whom is serious Baptist here on Saturday. We have theater tickets for 8 PM, and knowing the theater group, I may be glad for the rapture.

I mean the looting does take priority.

Eric said...

But David--what if there was booze involved? Janiece distinctly said there would be booze. A bottle of Baker's a book might get me through the series....

(The wrong lesson I learned from my Going Rogue experience: the problem wasn't agreeing to read a crummy book, the problem was that I should have held out for something stronger.)

Janiece said...

Eric, I'm totally going to go all paternalistic and save you from yourself on this one.

I'm not going to send you bottles of Baker's so you can read those dreadful stories. If you want to torture yourself, you're going to have to do so sober.

David said...

Nooooooo, my friend! Leeeeaaaaarn from my miiiiiiiiistaaaaakes!

Sorry - got all "Spirit of Christmas Future" there for a moment.

I will confess that there was no booze involved when I read the Left Behind book. But on the other hand, my first child was about 6 weeks old at the time, which led to hallucinatory levels of sleep deprivation - so I figure it's a wash.

The basic problem with the series is that they took a decently interesting idea (I, for one, am just hooked on end-of-the-world stories - probably something to do with the atomic bomb class I teach) and turned it into a missionary tract for the stupid.

There's just not enough whiskey in the barrel to make me try Volume 2.