Ask Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men, Edition the Third

Thursday, June 23, 2011
Today's question comes from the lovely Carol Elaine, who asks, 
Janiece, who wrote the Book of Love?
I believe it was The Monotones. What do I win? Nothing? Well, that's a gyp.

Love is a complicated subject. Everyone brings their own baggage to the table when they enter into a loving relationship, whether the tie is romantic, platonic, or familial. In my own case, the familial baggage is a tendency to treat men with a certain amount of contempt. We pass this trait down generation to generation, reinforced both by our tendency to be a matriarchy and our history of picking men worthy of contempt when we're young women. It's not pretty, but there it is.

Part of my process for getting over this was to come up with some "rules to live by" in my romantic relationships, both to ensure I treated my prospective partner with respect, and also to prevent myself from being subsumed. I've added to the list over the years, and I've also come to realize that these rules apply to every loving relationship, not just the romantic ones. Their inclusion in this list, however, doesn't mean that I don't occasionally fail to apply them in my relationships. Sometime my failures are SPECTACULAR, in fact. But I'm trying to do better.

Love means that the happiness of the person you love is as important as your own. Not more important - that's subsuming your own needs and wants for the benefit of someone else, and that's not love, but emotional servitude - but equally important. Sometimes that means you do something you may not want to do because it brings happiness to your love, and sometimes it means they do the same for you.

Love means not keeping score. That way lies accusation, bitterness, and anger. This does not mean, however, that things should be so unbalanced that you feel taken advantage of and used. In a perfect world, loving relationships would be a perfect communism. But we don't live in a perfect world, and there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. 

Love means taking care of each other. Even when you don't feel like it. Especially when you don't feel like it.

Love means keeping the intentional digs out of arguments. Fights happen. They're part of long-term relationships of all kinds. But when they do happen, keeping the intentionally hurtful comments out of the discussion can only end well. As opposed to not doing so, which can only end badly. Certain things, once said, can never be unsaid - or unheard.

Love means always telling the truth, but staying silent works, too. As my wise and wonderful friend Jeri notes, choosing to speak should only happen when the following criteria are met: Is it necessary, is it true, is it kind and will it make a difference. Otherwise, you should probably consider keeping your mouth shut.

Love means treating those you love with at least as much courtesy as you would treat a stranger. This one seems obvious until you think about it. Being rude to a stranger would make most people uncomfortable because, after all, what will the stranger think of you? Being rude to a loved one is much easier, because you presumably already know what your loved one thinks, plus they have to forgive you once you apologize. But that doesn't make it right, and if you love someone, don't they deserve to be treated better than a complete stranger?

Love means speaking up when you're hurting. Expecting others to read my mind and automatically fix what's wrong without some guidance is pretty unfair, not to mention pretty passive-aggressive. And snotty, backhanded comments don't count. No, they don't. 

Love means not putting all your emotional eggs in one basket. I love my Smart Man, and he's my only romantic interest, but he's not my only love. I love my extended family, my kids, and my friends with equal (but different) intensity. This allows me to be a well-rounded human being, with a variety of interests and relationships. Putting all of my social and emotional needs on the shoulders of a single person isn't fair to either of us, and such a strategy will surely fail.

Love means having the courage to be an individual, even if that puts you at odds with your love. I gotta be me. And if that means I disagree - even vociferously - with someone I love, then that's just how it is. I can't compromise myself, my values, my integrity, for another person, or I lose who I am.

Love means being okay with being alone. Because I have to love myself, first and foremost, before I can engage in loving relationships with others. Plus I find I'm pretty good company as I get older, which is a bonus.

So there's the Book of Love, which was apparently written by me. Thanks for your question, Carol Elaine.

7 comments:

Warner said...

"Love means that the happiness of the person you love is as important as your own. Not more important - that's subsuming your own needs and wants for the benefit of someone else, and that's not love, but emotional servitude - but equally important."

I don't agree with that, I would say more important, but it must be a symmetrical relationship in this regard.

This ends in the same result, albeit not reached with quite the same path.

mom in northern said...

Someone once ask Joseph Campbell about the success of his marriage.

He said that he and his wife were both committed to the relationship and not just to one another.

That is just about as suttle as it gets when you think about it.

mom in northern said...

PS...aren't you in NY?

Warner said...

If you are asking me, yes.

Janiece said...

Warner, she was asking me, and yes, I'm on my way to Rochester. Modern technology FTW!

Carol Elaine said...

See, this is why I adore you, Janiece (and the UCF). I ask a stupid little song inspired question (mainly because my brain usually feels mushy when put on the spot to be witty or insightful) and you come back with a very well-thought out and thought provoking answer that is worth way more than my two seconds of brain exertion.

Well done, Janiece.

Anne C. said...

Speaking of love, I love this post. Beautifully written, my dear.