Ask Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men, Edition the Fourth

Monday, June 27, 2011
Today's writing prompt comes from new Canadian citizen and all around good egg Megan, who asks,
Perhaps you'd like to respond to the latest e-mail from my online stalker who fancies himself a Marine and hates gay people with all his heart?

Let me ask you a question Miss Shrink whats your take on these pyromaniac fetish freaks these ones that like to sear themselves into the ER every other weekend you know obtain for themselves beautiful third degree burns but instead of learning their lesson they continue to burn themselves onto the arson list and a lot of times into their graves (answer this it does relate)
Poor Megan. At least my on-line whackadoos can put a sentence together. It's not based in reality or anything, but at least I can understand it.

I think Megan's whackadoo believes that there's some sort of correlation between the LGBT community and pyrophilia. While I was able to find only minimal information on pyrophilia (including the fact that it's not a separate diagnosis in the DSM IV, but rather an aspect of impulse-control disorder), the fact of the matter is that pyrophiliacs don't typically set themselves on fire - it's the fire itself that causes arousal. So I'm not sure what the point is of the inquiry above. It's like the whackadoo conflated a bunch of weird urban legends to a single description of abnormal behavior and then assigned it to the LGBT community.

Which is pretty typical of the "objections" I see from the bigots in regard to Teh Gayz, actually. There's no fact based discussion, no statistical analysis of psychologically aberrant behavior in the specific cohort as compared to the general population, no independent study results to prove that the LGBT community is a hot bed of sexual fetishes. There's simply bigotry, usually (but not always) supported by claims that gay men and lesbians make baby Jesus cry and so he wants us to stone them to death in the most painful way possible.

We all know how I feel about those who choose to discriminate against the LGBT community. I think it's fair to say that I have not a single second to waste on Megan's illiterate stalker, especially if he happens to be, you know, drowning, and is in need of rescue. But I have to say that the fact that he "fancies himself a Marine" does make me sad for that most disciplined of services. Good thing the Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps doesn't agree with him.

Thanks for your question, Megan, although I'm not sure I'm going to forgive you for making me look up "pyrophilia."

10 comments:

Eric said...

No, wait, I see where he's going with that one, actually: I always thought that describing someone as a "flaming homosexual" was some kind of figure of speech, but apparently it's totally a real thing.

Suddenly, we have a whole new explanation for the conundrum of spontaneous combustion. For centuries, people have tried explanations ranging from arcane physics to outright dismissals (i.e. the victim didn't spontaneously combust, he or she set him/herself on fire with a cigarette or electrical malfunction while unconscious or asleep), along with classic explanations like the one offered (IIRC) by Charles Dickens that the victim was so suffused with alcohol after a lifetime with the bottle that he was just waiting to go up in a ball of fire. But these are all wrong: what happened, in fact, was that the victim suddenly became so gay that they ignited, possibly as a result of watching a Will And Grace rerun or listening to show tunes (that is how you become gay, right?).

This also gives credit to opponents of same-sex marriage and forces me to reassess my support. It is conceivable that allowing homosexuals to marry other homosexuals will have a result akin to exposing an open flame to oxygen; fabulous explosions might rip through courthouses and churches all across America, with tragic results.

We must propose a modest solution as the only logical thing to do: those persons with homosexual proclivities must be made as flame-retardant as possible, and additional safety measures such as the posting of NFPA-704 warning diamonds on all gay people at all times so that firemen are able to safely extinguish them whenever they explode. In addition, we might need to make sure that gay people are outfitted with sprinkler systems and other fire protection measures for the public safety.

Good grief! I just thought of something! John McCain recently courted controversy by claiming the Arizona wildfires were caused by Mexican illegals but wouldn't explain why he thought that was likely. It's possible that what he meant but didn't want to say outright is that he suspects the fires were started by exploding gay Mexican illegals! Good grief! The nerve of those people coming into our country to enjoy our American Lady GaGa videos without following our laws and then exploding inside our national forests before we're able to lease them to energy companies for a pittance! This tide of fire and good taste for fashion must be stopped while there is still time.

Ask yourself, honestly: what would you do if your son or daughter came up to you and burst into flames? You can say you're okay if other people's children burn their houses down, killing everybody in the family and causing large amounts of property damage, but would you let your own child explode? No, you would duck, cover and roll, covering your mouth and nose with a wet towel to resist heat and smoke and keeping low to the floor since smoke rises. Also, remember that feeling one side of a door for heat can be misleading, as the other side may be an inferno with poor heat conduction through the door. Do not attempt to rescue pets and try to get out of the house immediately.

Search your feelings. You know I'm right.

Janiece said...

Eric, this totally should have been your question and not mine.

Man, did I miss the boat...

vince said...

Exploding Gay Mexican Illegals is totally the name of my next band.

Carol Elaine said...

When I was a kid I was terrified of being a victim of spontaneous combustion. At the time I didn't realize that I had nothing to fear, since I really liked boys.

However, now that I'm older and my sexuality is slightly more flexible (still strongly prefer men, but have certainly found a few women sexually desirable), the odds of my becoming a spontaneous combustion victim have risen.

This concerns me. I don't want to be outfitted with a sprinkler system! What can I do?

Janiece said...

Carol Elaine, clearly you need to go to Gay Conversion Camp BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. Seriously - I can smell the smoke from here.

May I recommend Liberace's Camp o' Horrors?

Nathan said...

In other news, three North Carolina defendants were given maximum sentences today when their attorney failed to appear in court while winning the internet.

Megan said...

This guy has continued to send me messages and is up to several dozen at this point. Over half of them are about the dangers of really violent anal sex. The latest, from ten hours ago, reads:

Type in "is anal sex dangerous" into youtube go down to "for the last time is anal sex REALLY dangerous" by a "danandjenn" and look on the comment page there is a guy named johnboy that replied to a katier read what he said and keep in mind that tons of these guys say this shit it aint "in my eyes" I don't make shit up your first question is retarded everything that happens in society is every1s buissiness untill a decision is made my advice -stop being a kiss ass slut

He's in a flame war with someone who calls herself ObsOfAnEarthCitizen: she is the kiss-ass slut.

I agree with him on one point (which he never makes, but I'm trying to be generous): Sex that rips or hurts or leaves you permanently disfigured is not good.

I think it would blow his mind to discover that anal sex is not just a gay thing. But I'm not really interested in getting into it with him.

Janiece said...

Megan, you have my sympathy. This is just one more reason why I don't post anything to YouTube.* It seems that the asshattery is strong over there, and you have no control over the input like you do at home.

And I do agree with you - injurious sex is not a Good Thing. Although grown people do have the right of self-determination, and I don't consider other people's sex lives to be any of my business pretty much EVER.

*If I remember correctly, he started this mess as a result of a video of your son. Unbelievable.

Dana Teel said...

Janiece, I agree.

I've wanted to say how much I like your posts (Eric's and Jim's are pretty cool too, but don't tell them I said so. I don't want them to get fat heads).

I've tried hard to shrug off my prejudicial upbringing and treat everyone with respect. It's not an easy thing to do (the former not the latter). ~ Dana

Janiece said...

Thanks, Dana.