Free Shit Friday - The Hellfire Club

Friday, April 29, 2011

"This is the scariest, goriest, creepiest, sickest, most twisted novel I've read in over ten years. It made me afraid to go to sleep at night and I loved every word - loved it, loved it, loved it." - Carolyn See

Indeed. The Hellfire Club was one of the best reads of the 1990's, and I loved it, too. Hardbound, 1st edition.


Da Rules.

Free Shit Friday

I'm starting a new feature here at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men called "Free Shit Friday." As the name implies, I'll be occasionally giving away my shit in this space on Fridays. As a point of record, here's da rules:
  • I'll occasionally be giving away my shit. That shit may be handbags or shoes, or something I've made such as jam or knitting.
  • Whatever I'm giving away will be free to whoever wins it. I'll even pay for postage.
  • When I post an item, and you want it, you'll simply leave a comment asking for it.
  • If more than one person wants my shit, I'll use a random number generator to pick a winner. 
  • If you're a regular around here, you'll be getting three random numbers assigned to your name. If you're a drive-by or a lurker, you'll get one. Sorry, lurkers - I like the community I've built here, and I see no reason not to reward people who choose to be active members by giving them a better chance at claiming my shit.
  • This shit is free. I paid for it, I made it, I'm mailing it. That means you don't get to pick at me if I don't get your shit in the mail in the time frame you think I should. If you bitch - you lose my shit. Yes, Nathan, that means you.
  • I'll announce the winner when I feel like it, and give that person three days to send me their snail-mail address. If I don't hear back within that time-frame, I'll pick another winner. You snooze, you lose. 
That's about it. Good luck!

Thought of the Day

Thursday, April 28, 2011
"Use your words, but if people don't know how to listen, sometimes you have to hit them."


                               - A very wise three year old

Is There an Adult in the Room?

Yes, I'm going to rant about the unserious among us once again - in this case, the media and the conspiracy theorists.

Seriously, birthers? Suddenly NOW you're convinced that the President's a natural born citizen? Because obviously you're such a CERTIFIED EXPERT on official documents issued by the State of Hawai'i? As opposed to say, I don't know, the Secretary of State of the Great State of Hawai'i?

Bitch, please.

This isn't about the President's eligibility to serve. As noted so eloquently by my friend Eric over at Standing on the Shoulders of Giant Midgets, the President has already satisfied that legal requirement, and the burden of proof isn't on him - it's on the racist dipwads who insist that his Presidency is some sort of vast Manchurian Candidate conspiracy.*

But far be it from the media not to give "equal time" to every half-baked, retarded idea out there. After all, letting that entitled, privileged, vile piece of crap Donald Trump stir shit up in the name of "asking questions" is just good television!

But not good news. News as in the responsibility of the Fourth Estate, you self-indulgent, unserious, cynical TOOLS. Can you imagine Edward R. Murrow interviewing someone like Trump on topics that actually matter to the Republic? I'm quite sure he'd rather have taken his own eye out with a spork.

As my shipmate Jim noted yesterday, the quality of our government - and our media - is in direct correlation to the quality of our citizens. And this latest brouhaha surely proves that we suck. We will get the government we deserve, and allowing this red herring to set the national conversation should tell us something about what we've done to deserve this.

Is there an adult in the room? In ANY room?

___________
*Just as it's on the dipwads to provide some substantiating evidence that Trig Palin isn't actually Sarah Palin's son. The pendulum must swing both ways, regardless of what a horrifying human being Ms. Palin may be.

Vaca

Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I took a vacation day today. Mostly because I wanted to visit with my Mom and her senior knitting group, but also because I really needed a chance to...disengage for a day.

So after knitting and lunch, I headed back to Parker for a haircut and a pedicure. A good day overall, and hopefully tomorrow I'll be in a better frame of mind to deal with the LSOS' that populate my work week and raise my blood pressure.

Peace!

Random Thoughts*

Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I have a lumpy dog. Giant Schnauzers are susceptible to skin disorders, and the older he gets, the lumpier his skin becomes. Poor Boogie.

If you're planning a Very Important Meeting, don't you think it's better to get a commitment for the time with the participants before sending out six meeting invitations in one day?

Don't you wonder if people who do a really stellar job of dealing with difficult customers are secretly medicating themselves in order to refrain from climbing the Clock Tower? Seriously - no one can be that patient, and that calm. Or perhaps I'm just projecting.

Yesterday was World Malaria Day. Have you considered donating a net?

The Smart Man took a couple of days off this week. I would totally dig having a house-husband. He needs to work on that.

I'm currently listening to The Panic Virus by Seth Mnookin. I keep having to stop because my blood pressure is rising with every example of cognitive dissonance or fucksticks just plain lying their asses off as it relates to vaccine safety. Why are people so damn gullible? Get the facts, not the fiction, then vaccinate your kids. For everyone's sake, but especially theirs.

My Hot Mom had a minor fender-bender yesterday. Poor Hot Mom - in 55 years of driving, she's never had an accident and it's wigging her out just a bit.

I really need a vacation. I'm holding on like grim death for our upcoming Hawaiian cruise. GRIM DEATH.

___________
*Sponsored in part by last night's insomnia.

2011 Flower Pr0n - First Flowers of Spring Edition

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Super Saturday

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Boogie the Giant Schnauzer and I saw this herd of deer on our morning walkies. Naturally, they were suspicious of our intentions, so when they started to stand up we stopped approaching. Unfortunately, my Blackberry doesn't exactly have a zoom lens, so this is the best I could do. 

In other news, Boogie had a fabulous walk this morning, and he even felt energetic enough to actually run, as apposed to his usual rambling trot. It always makes me feel good when he has a really good, strong day.

Boogie Blogging Friday - Cutest Dog in the World Edition

Friday, April 22, 2011

Boogie went to the groomers yesterday for his bath and his haircut, so he's a tired and sore pooch today. Poor old guy just doesn't recover the way he used to. Sort of like everyone else I know.

Luckily he has his oh-so-comfy futon on which to recover.

Stupid Circle of Life

Thursday, April 21, 2011
We have a large Maple tree in our back yard. We think it was planted when the house was new, and as a result it's quite tall now.

So last night we were eating dinner, and I kept seeing something black blowing in the wind on the top of our tree. At first I thought it was a trash bag, as that happens fairly often, but no - it was a bird. A bird that had a piece of string or something wrapped around its leg which had subsequently gotten caught on a branch. The poor thing was hanging there, and would occasionally flap furiously in an effort to get free. Its mate was perched on another branch, calling to it continuously as it struggled.

We tried to think of a way to release the bird, or alternatively, to put it out of it's misery safely so it wouldn't have to die of thirst. But the top of that tree is three stories up - a cherry picker would be required to reach it. Additionally, our house is in the middle of the block, and I would be very hesitant to shoot even a pellet gun in our development because there are so many kids and pets running around. So we did nothing.

This morning the bird was dead. But its mate is still perched in our tree, calling. And it's breaking my heart.

Wall of Shame - April 20, 2011

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Why, no, woman in the Ford POS, Colorado license plat 592-CFG, parked in a handicapped space at the Parker, CO Safeway on Wednesday, April 20, 2011, sitting in your car while you illegally park in that space does not make you less of a douche. 

Sweet Schadenfreude

You know how I'm supposed to be working on being a better person, and making the world a better place for everyone to live in?

Yeah. That's turning out to be a bit harder than I anticipated.

My problem, you see, is schadenfreude. Nothing gets me wrapped around the axle faster than someone attempting to pass the buck on areas for which they CLEARLY have responsibility. I understand the impulse to cover one's own ass, of course - no one likes gets called on the carpet, and the more serious the consequences of failure, the more likely someone is to prevaricate and attempt to blame others. But it really just pisses me off. I've had to fall on my sword often enough that I realize how utterly and completely it blows, but really - it's kind of an ethical imperative.

So when a fact-based discussion reveals the truth about the buck-passsers, my heart simply sings with schadenfreude. And then I feel bad, because I don't want to be the kind of person who takes pleasure in other's misfortunes - even when their misfortune is something they've brought on themselves through their own short-sightedness or incompetence.

I'm not sure how to fix this one, however. I've always been snotty in this way, even though I fully recognize that it's unkind. My long-term snottiness isn't an excuse, of course - saying "that's just the way I am" is never an acceptable excuse for bad behavior. I'm just at a loss for a strategy on how to modify my own behavior.

Snickering behind my hand is just so much more satisfying.

The World is a Good Place

Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I asked what I should blog about today on Facebook, because everything I could think of was kind of snotty and stabby, and I'm a bit tired of being angry all the time. Occasional commenter and Wisconsin Communist David had the following question:
What was the last thing that made you feel like the world was a good place?
I could stand to look on the bright side for a change, so I'm taking up his challenge with something that happened this weekend that gave me that feeling.

Boogie the Giant Schnauzer has never been very comfortable with small children. He's never really been around them much, and the fact that they're so much smaller than him is not something he can get his pointy little head around. He's never done anything aggressive towards a child, he's just made it clear that he'd rather not interact with them, thankyouverymuch. So the Smart Man and I have always acted with care when families with small children visit our home.

On Saturday, a dear friend of ours came to dinner with her family, including their two year old daughter. I don't know what it was about their child, but Boogie loves her. He followed her around. He pushed his nose in her face. He tickled her with his cold, wet beard after getting a drink. He spent the evening wagging at her. He wanted to rough-house with her, but we put our foot down on that - he had 70 pounds on her, and we were afraid he'd inadvertently hurt her.

Now, in his dotage, Boogie the Giant Schnauzer has finally decided that little kids make good playmates. Yes, he is a slow learner. Slow but sweet - that's our Boogie.

FML, or Why Scott Adams Personifies My Industry

Monday, April 18, 2011
I've been following the recent Scott Adams debacle with some bemusement. After all, I work in the same industry that Adams started in, I'm an engineer, and when I first joined the civilian work force in 1996 his observations resonated with me.

But now, as my friend Eric notes, I just think he's a choad.

In case you haven't been following the hubbub, the short version is that Adams made some extremely tone-deaf and misogynistic remarks about how women should be treated the same way society treats the mentally retarded. I'm not exactly sure of the point of those remarks (because, quite frankly, Adams' ideas aren't interesting enough for me to find out), but he then subsequently went down the sock-puppet road in order to defend his "certified genius" (insert gagging noises here). He then tried to excuse his sock-puppetry by implying those who didn't get the joke weren't very bright (insert barfing noises here).

Now I don't give a good goddamn about Adams, his backwards opinions about women in the workplace, his cynical cartoon empire, or his sloppy thinking on pretty much anything of substance. But the latest hoopla regarding his sock-puppet did provide a small revelation - Adams perfectly personifies how women are treated in my industry.

I've been bitching a lot lately about the lack of diversity in my industry. During last week's training session, I was once again the only woman in the place, just as I'm the only woman on my team, the only woman in 90% of the meetings or training sessions I attend, and have no women in my chain of command. While I'm getting a little tired of fighting the good fight on this issue, I do still wonder why things remain in such a sad state of affairs - why, exactly, is telecom such a bastion of middle-aged white guys, and how does the industry as a whole not see what a poor business practice this is?

The answer, my friends, is the exact reason Scott Adams is such a perfect choad. The culture in which I work sees women as nothing more than overgrown children to be tolerated to our faces but condescended to, belittled and ridiculed with a wink and a nod behind our backs. And when we call foul on such douchebaggery, we're told we just don't "get it," obviously because our ladybrains are incapable of seeing The Big Picture.

I'm not necessarily attributing this attitude to specific individuals. It's extremely unlikely that every man in a leadership position in telecom is a misogynistic jackass without a clue about how feminism is also dude-ism. But the culture is broken. Like Adams' condescending asshattery about how the rest of us are too stupid to understand his lofty view of gender equality in this country (and his sock-puppetry, evidently), telecom culture implies that the lack of women in our industry is somehow our fault, rather than the result of short-sightedness on the part of our senior leaders.

Alex, I'll take "Blaming the Victim" for $1000.00.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Saturday, April 16, 2011
No, not the Smart Man. We've already decided we'll never break up, because it would be too hard to find anyone else who would put up with us. Plus doing so would just be too fucking annoying to tolerate. So we're stuck with each other.

What I've been thinking about is breaking up with casual friends whose political point of view is so repugnant that I simply can't tolerate them. You know - Ayn Rand apologists. Paul Ryan fans. Sarah Palin sycophants. The older I get, the less tolerant I become of people who so clearly lack the capacity for a little thing I like to call "mature, rational thought."

Now I'm not talking about smart conservatives with whom I disagree. Rational debate is supposed to be the cornerstone of our republic, and I fully recognize that just because someone disagrees with me doesn't necessarily make them a dumbass. What I'm talking about is those who deliberately ignore, you know, THE FACTS in order to hold onto their cherished beliefs. Or my other personal favorite - sticking it to those who are less fortunate than you in order to prevent your own ox from getting gored.

Is being less than married to reality or having less than moral political positions grounds for a break up? I'm beginning to think so, although I've been wrong before.

Fit to be Tied

Thursday, April 14, 2011
I am fit to be tied today. Mostly because I need a vacation where I am not required to speak to anyone with whom I work, directly or indirectly, for many days in a row.

So really, I'm not fit for human company. Talk to you tomorrow, Hot Chicks and Smart Men.

Get off my lawn. And take PowerPoint with you.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011
So here I am in my data networking class. Yesterday the class was based on 179 PowerPoint slides. Today's deck has 190 slides.

You know, I used to be a technical instructor, both in the Navy and for my company. In neither of those jobs did I use PowerPoint to discuss the concepts of the class - I used a student guide, a white board, and a lab. I found these tools perfectly adequate to teach the skills in my curriculum, and in fact, the white board was highly conducive to discussion and interactive response with my audience.

But every class I've attended in the last 5+ years, both at University and in my profession, has included pages and pages of excruciating PowerPoint, with each template more gaudy and eye-bleeding than the last. In my experience, the use of this Thor-forsaken application reduces discussion, puts students to sleep, and serves only to deaden the learning experience to some sort of drone-like Stepford Wife existence.

So why is it so ubiquitous? It makes absolutely no sense to me, but perhaps that's because my mental acuity has been dulled by the hundreds of slides that are now burned into my retina.

Janiece, Aspiring Pakled

Tuesday, April 12, 2011
You remember the Pakleds - they were the ones who weren't too bright, but who wanted things "to make us go."

Today through Thursday I'm in "boot camp*" for the data offerings my company sells. I take this to mean that I'll be begging the smart data networking design folks to "give me things that make us go." Data is not really my strong suit as it relates to designing from scratch - I've been a voice gal for many years, and that's where my strength lies. I do understand the interface between voice and data, of course, but speeds and feeds don't interest me much.

But this training, and the certification that follows, is a condition of my employment so I'll try and participate with good cheer.

Don't burn the place down while I'm gone.

____________
*Why, yes, I do snicker when a private company calls training "boot camp" when it's conducted from 9 to 5. 

"Boot Camp." ::snort::

You Are What You Do When it Counts

Sunday, April 10, 2011
You are what you do when it counts. That's a quote from one of the greatest science fiction novels of all time, Armor, by John Steakley.

I've always loved that quote, because it perfectly articulated something I thought was true: that you define yourself when the chips are down, when it matters most if you're courageous, or self-sacrificing, or bold. But like a lot of things, my opinion is changing as I get older, and now I want to add an addendum to this quote I like so much:

You are what you do when it counts. And it all counts.

I've come to realize that defining a life by the actions of a single moment disrespects the person. It is the acts committed over the whole of a life that defines someone. If I'm rude to someone because I'm having a bad day, my action has made the world a little more surly, and a less pleasant place to live. But if I perform an act of kindness, then the opposite is true.

I was reminded of this the other night when we had dinner with a dear friend and her family. As I was standing in line to pay the bill, the man in front of me was trying to get the cashier to add a dollar to his bill and give it to him in quarters. The reason for this request was apparent - his two kids, aged about 4 and 6, wanted a gumball from the machine at the front of the restaurant, and Dad obviously didn't have any cash. The kids weren't being whiny or rude about it - but you could tell they really wanted a gumball. The father was having trouble explaining what he wanted to the cashier, so I looked in my wallet and found two quarters, which I then gave to the man. He prompted both of his kids to thank me for my kindness, and thanked me himself.

It wasn't a big thing, in fact it was decidedly small. But instead of being impatient at the delay (as is my tendency), I performed the act of the mensch I aspire to be.

And it made me realize yet again that not everyone can be a Congressional Medal of Honor winner or save the life of children by researching cures for childhood leukemia. Some of us will be limited to these small acts of kindness, based on a larger desire to serve others. And that's okay. Because it all counts, and each action carries a negative or positive effect on the world. I need to do a better job of considering the effect of all my actions, and do my part to make my small corner of the world a better place.

English, Motherfucker - Do You Speak It?

Friday, April 8, 2011
You know, I'm not particularly militant when it comes to grammar. I don't scan the Internet, looking for instances of grammar misuse so I can pounce like some sort of grammar Nazi sniffing out those who pollute the world with the misuse of "affect" and "effect." I'm quite sure I leave participles dangling all over the place, and just yesterday I used the word "sprinklered" in a sentence.

But I do have some expectation that people should be able to speak and write coherently in their native language.

Yes, in their native language. I have nothing but respect for bilingual individuals - the ability to learn another language has always escaped me, so I tend to believe that skill is really quite amazing.

What irks me are people who were born to English speaking parents, who are educated in English speaking schools, many of them college educated, and they apparently lack the ability to speak or write their own language in some sort of coherent way.

That's right - I'm looking at you, who use the word "irregardless." Or you, who enunciates the word "asking" like it's spelled "axing." Or my personal favorite - those whose comments on-line are filled with misspellings, caps-lock and ellipses. Because believe me, nothing says "illiterate, ill-informed douchebag*" like Internet commentary full of caps-lock and ellipses.

I don't expect everyone to be master craftsmen when it comes to writing or speaking publicly. These are skills like any other, and they require practice and education to master. But right, wrong or indifferent, people are going to judge you in some part on the grounds of your mastery of these basic skills. Skills you should have learned during your primary education. Isn't a little effort worth your while?
 
__________
*Still wondering - is "douchebag" one word or two? 

Wall of Shame - April 6, 2011

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Why, yes, driver of the Ford Edge, North Carolina license plate ABM-4396, I did see you walk into the Parker, Colorado PetSmart on April 6, 2011 and leave your car in a handicapped spot. I also saw how very spry you were, that you didn't drop anyone off before parking, and that you didn't have a handicapped placard or license plate.

Nice job coming to my state and my community and acting like a complete and utter douche. Really - stellar job.

Unintended Consequences

Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I spent my early thirties working my ass off. Professionally, I was starting a new career in telecommunications after my years on active duty while continuing my military career in the active reserves. I was poor as shit, as I took a job with Lucent Technologies for $9.25 an hour in order to put myself in a position to take advantage of opportunities in the private sector.

My strategy obviously worked, since I'm doing quite well both financially and professionally.

But the real work, the important work that took place in those years was the work of healing myself emotionally from the consequences of my own bad decisions and fixing what was broken inside me. The reason I believe people are capable of fundamental change in their lives is because I achieved some measure of success in this work, and came out the other side a better person.* The work's not done, of course - I don't think anyone ever reaches a point where they're done, at least this side of the grave.

What I've been thinking of lately, however, is the unintended consequences of this work. You would think that as I became more emotionally stable, and instituted higher standards for the people I would allow in my life, that my inner circle would become smaller as I purged the dirtbags and the degenerates. And that was true in the short term. But slowly, that dynamic began to change. The older I got, the more progress I made in becoming the person I wanted to be. And the higher my standards became, the larger my circle grew. Yes, I've banished the reprobates and the losers, but I've also met and connected with some truly amazing people, who have made my life far richer by their presence (you know who you are - stop blushing).

This was an unintended consequence. When I was trying to get my act together, I simply wanted to live a life of which I could be proud, and sustain healthy relationships in a way that left me fulfilled instead of feeling like crap all the time. The reality is that for every craptacular asshat who's been stricken from the roles of my life I've been gifted with two new friends who are such fine human beings I have to wonder what they see in me.

I never anticipated this when I was struggling to change my life and improve myself. But it's an unintended consequence for which I'm profoundly grateful.

___________
*I'd like to point out that long-time pal and occasional commenter The Mechanicky Gal has stuck by me through all this, providing support and friendship, in spite of my dumbassery. Which is one of many reasons why we loves her, precious.

Filling my Emotional Moat

Monday, April 4, 2011
I've been struggling a bit lately with some issues related to relationships, and I've reached some conclusions, painful though they may be.

I have found that the older I get, the pickier I get about who I'm willing to allow into my emotional inner circle. Over the last fifteen years, I've purged a variety of low quality people from my life, and instituted some standards surrounding the type of person I choose to share my life with. While I don't have a laundry list whereby I judge people and find them wanting (or not), I have identified some qualities (and their polar opposites) that help me decide if I'm willing to let someone in. Generosity of spirit versus selfishness. Intellectual curiosity versus small-mindedness. Emotional openness versus emotional manipulation. A willingness to work on relationships in an open, constructive way versus childishness. Strength of mind versus emotional dependency.

And the conclusion I've come to is that if an individual (or individuals) personify many of the qualities I abhor, and the only thing they have going for them is that I'm related to them in some fashion - it's time to apply the Alexandrian solution to the ties that bind.

Coming to this decision was not an easy one, and it makes me sad. But really, the only surprising part about it is that it took me so damn long to acknowledge what I knew to be true and act on that knowledge.

As far as execution goes, I've decided to take the advice of my wise and kind friend Jeri. Her rule of thumb is that when deciding whether or not to confront someone, you should ask yourself if what you want to say meets the following criteria: Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind, and will it make a difference. In this particular case, I'm only hitting two out of four, so I've decided that acting on my decision to fill my emotional moat does not require some grand pronouncement or confrontation. It just requires that I adjust my emotional life, and release the anger and resentment associated with those relationships.

I'm never going to be "that person," the one who refuses to attend family events if this or that family member is ALSO going to be there. I'm a grown woman, and I can certainly act accordingly once or twice a year if I end up at events where people who are not permitted to be part of my emotional life are present. I've been doing this successfully for years, in fact - just not with anyone to whom I'm so closely related.

I can be civil - I just no longer see a need to allow people who have shown me who they are to enjoy free rent in my mind. They don't deserve it, and I have no obligation to allow it.

Tales of Incest, Gluttony and Drinking

Sunday, April 3, 2011
This afternoon me, my Hot Mom and my Hot Daughter are attending a performance of Orff's Carmina Burana performed by the Colorado Symphony. Considering the subject matter of the cantata, I've decided to call this just good, wholesome family entertainment.

Here's the choir from Ysgol Glanaethwy singing the signature song, "O Fortuna."

Burning Questions

Saturday, April 2, 2011
Do people who engage in brown-nosing really understand that they're brown-nosers? Or do they rewrite their own stories in their minds so they can perceive themselves in a better light?

Pelican cases have to be the best example of "form follows function" I've ever seen. How does someone think up such an elegant, obvious design?

Is there a more perfect food on the planet than steamed edamame with sea salt?

Am I the only one who can't look at Ralph Fiennes the same way after observing his creepy, noseless demeanor as the Republican candidate for President...er...I mean, Lord Voldemort? This is unfortunate, as I used to think he was kind of hot.

I like babies. (I know that's not a question, but it's been on my mind lately, so I'm ending with a declarative.) Babies!

Boogie Blogging Friday - Spring has Sprung Edition

Friday, April 1, 2011
Boogie has a love/hate relationship with Spring. He cares not at all for the heat, and Spring walkies are harbingers of hot weather.

And then there's the wind. Boogie despises the wind, as it whistles in his ears and makes him uncomfortable. If it's blowing hard enough, he'll actually ask to come home halfway through, looking miserable, both from discomfort and disappointment.

But the smells...oh my goodness...the SMELLS! Is there anything better than Springtime smells for a doggy nose?