The "Faith, Family and Freedom" Tour - a Translation

Monday, March 26, 2012
So I was at the gym yesterday, trying to motivate myself to work hard enough to get my heart rate over 130 on the Arc Trainer when I glanced at one of the televisions strategically placed in view of the cardio equipment. Because Rick Santorum had just won the Louisiana primary, this is what I saw:

No, really! My ideas are mainstream! Because I believe in FREEDOM.

Seriously? Who, exactly, is this chucklehead trying to fool with this little piece of PR? If you're smart enough to pour pee out of a boot, you have to know that the name of this goat rope he calls a "tour" is a coded message. Allow me to translate.

Faith. His faith, that is. All you heathens, all you polytheists, all you non-theists, basically anyone who doesn't believe in his particular brand of repressive, backwards belief - yeah, you are all shit out of luck. Because his stated intent is to legislate his particular brand of religious wackiness into the public square in an effort to "take our country back." Back to the puritans, that is, because all that "Establishment Clause" and "Separation of Church and State" stuff is just NONSENSE. NONSENSE, DO YOU HEAR?

Family. Again, his family. If you are member of a family that deviates in any way from his "traditional" view of this cornerstone institution, then obviously you and yours should just die in a fire so that proper, god fearing families will have a better chance of success as they take their country back from you. It's perfectly acceptable, you see, to deny my Hot Daughter the right to marry under the law and raise a family of her own. Because god whispered in his ear and told him so, and if you don't believe him, then YOU HATE FAMILIES. AND GOD. YOU ALSO HATE GOD.

Freedom. Yes, yes! Freedom! Rick and his minions are about NOTHING if not FREEDOM. Unless, of course, you're a woman. Or a person of color. Or someone not born in this country who wants to make a better life. Or you believe in something other than his particular brand of religious wackiness. Or you're poor. Or you fall anywhere on the sexual normative scale other than flamingly heterosexual. Then you can either die in the aforementioned fire, or regress to your previous role of servicing middle aged, (allegedly) straight, white dudes. They're entitled to it, you see, since they've proven their worthiness by already having all the power and money!

How, exactly, is this choad winning delegates? And really, the fact that he is makes me want to set my hair on fire and put it out in the Semiahmoo Bay, and then never leave.

Angels and ministers of grace, defend us.

5 comments:

Warner said...

Puritans are a bad comparison as they were anti-Catholic, using Sedevacantists would be better, although I'm not aware that Santorum has announced he is one.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sedevacantism

Tom said...

I take it your faith, family, and freedoms are different than Slick Ricky's. Yeah, mine too. But hair fires are not indicated. We must remain able to rebut. To paraphrase RAH, do not indulge in strong drink. It makes you shoot at politicians, and miss!

Dana Teel said...

Janiece, have you been taking lessons from Jim? I'm pretty sure I see a hint of his style in your prose. I’m afraid that I can’t argue with you as I’m in full agreement. I still shake my head every time they talk on the evening news about who can beat Barrack Obama in the upcoming election and I think to myself, “None of the Bozo’s they’ve nominated yet!” I can’t help but think that the RNC has just given up on 2012, if they don’t distance themselves from the highly religious conservative, then I believe the trend will only continue.

Janiece said...

Dana, Jim and I started blogging about the same time, have similar backgrounds, similar political views and have been hanging out at each others' places for years, so it's really a chicken and egg type question.

I'm just sick of the entire Insane Clown Posse, frankly.

vince said...

WAR IS PEACE.
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY.
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.

Welcome to the Ministry of Truth.