A Month of Gratitude, Day 31 - The Smart Man

Tuesday, December 31, 2013
The Smart Man and I have been together for fifteen years, and have lived together here in the Big Yellow House since February 2002. We had our rough patches, especially right after we bought our house, but worked through them fairly quickly. Now we walk through life like a pair of well matched designer shoes (because I wouldn't be caught dead in old, worn out shoes).

And it's been a rough year here at the Big Yellow House. In addition to dealing with the death of my daughter in July, we've also dealt with serious illness, injury and death in the six other cases.

At this point, our attitude about 2013 is that we'd love to tear off its head and shit down its neck as we kick its ass on the way out the door.

And yet for me, there's one thing that has remained the cornerstone of my life, one thing that has anchored me, and kept me functional during this most horrifying of years.

The Smart Man.

He supported both me and my mother when she was seriously ill at the beginning of the year. He took charge of our lives and carried the load when my daughter died. He has cared for me conscientiously and tenderly during the worst year of my life. He keeps me grounded and helps me maintain my perspective. He's always on my side, even if he feels likes he needs to criticize my behavior. His family is my family, and vice versa. Like me, he's dedicated to a self imposed drama-free life.

Today I'm grateful for the Smart Man, and all he brings to my life.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 30 - Living in the First World

Monday, December 30, 2013

Today I have enjoyed:
  • Being alive because I have access to medical care. I can think of several points in my life where I would have died without it.
  • Central heat. It's below freezing today, and I've never had to chop firewood in my life.
  • Running water. With which to make coffee and wash my body.
  • Indoor plumbing. With which to dispose of coffee.
  • Electricity. To drive all the technology with which I make my living and enrich my life.
  • Living on the right side of the digital divide. I love living in the future.
  • Food security. I've never gone hungry a day in my life. This distinguishes me from about 99% of other human beings in the history of the world. 
Sometimes it's good to get back to basics. Today I'm grateful to be lucky enough to have been born into a First World country, to a family that could afford to care for me. 

A Month of Gratitude, Day 29 - My Awesome, Awesome Niece

Sunday, December 29, 2013
I have a niece. She's the daughter of the Smart Man's brother and his lovely wife, and she's two and a half.

I love my little niece. I've never really had a chance to be a Cool Auntie, and her arrival on the scene has filled a hole in my life that I didn't know was there. Unlike when my twins were that age, I have a significant amount of disposable income, and as her Cool Auntie, it's kind of my job to spend some percentage of it on her. This makes me feel good, as every kid needs an indulgent older relative, both to buy cool prezzies for Christmas and birthday, as well as contribute to their retirement fund.

But our awesome, awesome niece is especially dear to us, because right after she was born, her parents asked us to stand in loco parentis for her in the horrifying and unlikely event that something happens to them. Of course we agreed immediately. It never occurred to either of us to refuse this family the greatest gift we could offer - to care for their precious daughter if they could not.

Today I'm grateful for my niece's presence in my life, and for the chance to make a difference in hers.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 28 - Those Who Came Before

Saturday, December 28, 2013
I have worked in male dominated fields my entire adult life.

First was the Navy, whose culture we jokingly - and accurately - described as "200 years of tradition unhampered by progress." In those years only 10% of the active force were women, and only 59% of jobs were open to women. It's tough to advocate for equality when the system itself engages in systemic discrimination as a matter of policy.

After leaving active duty, I joined the civilian work force as a telecommunications technician, and moved into the engineering ranks within four years. Women engineering students represent 18% of total engineering students, and 30% of people working in the mathematical and computer science segment of STEM jobs.

I've ranted and raved before about the subtle (and not so subtle) sexism I've seen over my working life, and how it infuriates and discourages me.

And yet.

Things are much better for women in male-dominated fields than they were in years past. The U.S. Navy just named their first female four-star Admiral in its history - and she's the Vice Chief of Naval Operations, the second highest rank in the Navy. Her career path was a traditional one - a Surface Warfare officer who commanded amphibious landing ships.

There's progress being made in the civilian workforce, as well. NASA's CIO is a woman. A woman co-founded VMware. A woman is the CTO of Cisco.

So there's progress, even if I don't see it in my little corner of the world. Go, us.

And it behooves me to remember that this progress has been hard-won by the trailblazers, by the women who refused to conform, who did what they wanted to do regardless of the social norms of their time. These women broke the barriers, they sacrificed, and they plowed the road for those of us who came after. Women like RADM "Amazing Grace" Hopper, my personal hero, a computer science pioneer. Women like Emily Roebling, who finished the engineering of the Brooklyn Bridge when her husband became disabled. Women like Heddy Lamarr, who invented the frequency hopping theory that led to Bluetooth and WiFi technologies.

Today I'm grateful for the women who made my own experiences a little easier, a little more "normal," due to their own hard work and sacrifice.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 27 - The Mechanicky Gal

Friday, December 27, 2013
The Mechanicky Gal has been my friend and sister for 20 years.

We served together on the USS JASON (AR-8) when we were both on active duty. She helped to initiate me to Chief Petty Officer. I boxed her ears when she was making bad relationship choices. She took me in when I was almost destitute. I visited her twice a year, every year, in San Diego for a "gal's weekend" until we decided to rotate the hosting duties.

And when my daughter died, she was one of the first people I called. When I told her she cried, and said, "Oh no, oh no, when should I come?" She arrived bearing Tostitos Scoops and Queso. She agreed to read my daughter's eulogy when I was incapable. And she listened as my heart broke, and her presence made those days just a little more bearable.

Because that's what family does, and I am blessed that she is my family, not by blood, but by choice. Today I am grateful to have finally grown into the woman I want to be with my sister from another mister at my side and in my heart.

A Week of Gratitude, Day 26 - Technology

Thursday, December 26, 2013
I'm a technologist. I earn my living designing communications systems for large businesses and government entities. When I was in the Navy, I worked as a communications specialist, providing ship to shore, air to shore, and air to ship communications support. I've worked in technology my entire adult life - it permeates every aspect of my professional life.

And in the last 15 years, it's permeated my personal life, as well.

I own a desktop computer. I have a laptop computer supplied by my employer. I have an iPad, a Kindle, and an iPhone. Each of these devices gives me access to the knowledge of the world. When I don't know something (or can't remember it - stupid Mad Cow), I simply "consult the Oracle" and do a Google search. The answers are immediate and fairly accurate.

Since I work in technology, I think it's easy for me to take for granted what technology does for us. Aside from the basics such as indoor plumbing, running water and central heat and air, when you stop to think about it, the ability of humanity on this side of the digital divide to access any information, anywhere, anytime, is simply amazing. The processing power in my iPhone far exceeds the computers that were used to manage the functionality of the Space Shuttle (386's - woohoo!) and makes the systems we used to put men on the Moon look like an abacus. Basically, I carry a fully functional computer around in my pocket all the time. Damn.

Today I'm grateful that I have access to most of the world's information whenever and wherever I need it.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 25 - Somthing to Look Forward To

Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Today's Christmas Day. And my daughter died this year. And she loved Christmas. And I've been prone to holiday depression for years.

I haven't been looking forward to today.

After a great deal of consideration, the Smart Man and I decided that this year, we wouldn't celebrate. We didn't buy presents for anyone except our niece, who's 2 1/2 and doesn't understand. We told everyone we didn't want presents for ourselves. We have not put up a single holiday decoration here at the Big Yellow House. And we're staying home and waiting for the holiday to be over. It's all I feel like I'm up for - waiting it out.

And we'll also be planning our activities for the Alaskan Cruise we're going to be taking with my Hot MIL in the Spring. There's dog-sledding, whale watching, train rides, and more.

Today I'm grateful to have something to look forward to, even now, in this most difficult of times.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 24 - The Opportunity to Serve

Tuesday, December 24, 2013
I was recently appointed to the Douglas County Library Board of Trustees. I volunteered to serve, because I love the Library, and my entire family loves the library. And I wanted to make a difference in the institution that meant so much to Moe during the years she felt so isolated. They selected me because I have experience in Enterprise IT, and it's hard to find technical people who will volunteer their time in the field in which they work. Perhaps because IT professionals often feel like their profession is a thankless, soul-sucking endeavor.

But the Library is worth it, even if it means I have to read and evaluate RFP responses.

As I come up to speed on my new duties, I've been considering the impetus that drives me to serve. I come from a family with a tradition of service, but family tradition isn't all there is to it. In my case, I believe it's because I'm an Atheist. While I don't claim any factual knowledge about what happens to us when we die, it is my belief that when our brains stop functioning, our personality and what makes us unique dies with it.

The logical conclusion of this belief is that if I want to make a difference in the universe, this is my one and only chance. I don't get to come back and try again, or watch from some afterlife. I have to change the world now, make a difference now, improve things now, before it's too late. And one of the ways to accomplish this goal is to serve the community in which I live.

My military service was just the first leg on this journey. Now I knit hats, scarves and lap robes for Adopt-a-Family, Head Start,  and the VA hospital. Now I serve on the Library Board of Trustees, helping to make decisions that improves the availability of services to Library patrons. When I retire, I'm sure there will be other opportunities to make a difference.

Today I'm grateful for the opportunity to serve, and to leave the world a little better place.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 23 - The Animals in my Life

Monday, December 23, 2013
I like animals. I'm not obsessive about it, and there's been long periods when my life has not been conducive to caring for a pet, but over the years I've been lucky enough to share my life with some pretty spectacular four legged companions.


My first pet was a dog. As near as we could tell, he was a German Shepherd/Lab mix, and he was without a doubt the smartest dog I've ever met. I learned how to train dogs from Schultz, and the fact that he was such a good good boy solidified my desire to never be around dogs that don't have good manners. I also learned that obsessive Frisbee chasing leads to ground down canine teeth.



We also kept horses during those years.  Beauty was my first horse, a half-Arabian four year old mare, who was far too much horse for someone my age.



Shadow replaced Beauty, and he was a good, good boy. He wasn't anything special, or amazing - he was a just a good horse. 



When my family realized we had two horses and only one rider, Shadow was sold and I rode Caesar. Caesar was beautiful, strong, fast and steady - and also dumber than a stump. He always wanted to please - sometimes he just had no clue whatsoever about what you wanted him to do. However, once he learned a skill, he didn't require too much in the way of tune-ups. I loved that horse, but he eventually developed navicular disease, and had to be retired from his athletic pursuits.



I was about a year away from joining the Navy when we retired Caesar, so purchasing a replacement animal didn't seem like a good idea. So a friend of the family offered to let me to use Sunglo, an Appaloosa gelding with a neck like a bull. Sunglo had a bad reputation among the youth group where I rode. His owners had a son a few years younger than me, and had tried for years to get other young men in that age group to use Sunglo. Sunglo was having none of that, however - he threw them all on a regular basis. But I was desperate - I needed a horse for about a year, and a horse I could train quickly. I rode him every day before work to get him in condition and up to speed, and he was spectacular. We taught him the basics of jumping in one afternoon, and my riding instructor despaired that he didn't get a hold of him until Sunglo was middle-aged. He never threw me (although he tried), and he was the most interesting horse I've ever ridden. You just had to pay attention. All the time.





We also had a barn cat named "Quack." She was a mighty hunter, and left dead squirrels and other carcasses in the hay for me to find. For some reason she really liked me (which is odd, since I don't particularly care for cats), and when some fuckstick shot her in the hip with a BB gun, I was the only one she'd allow to treat her. As she aged she started to sleep in the garage on the horse blankets in the winter. She was pretty cool. For a cat, I mean.



Once I got out of the Navy and actually had some money, I wanted another dog. And so came Boogie, the sweetest dog in the world. Next year the Smart Man and I will be getting another Giant Schnauzer puppy. We miss having a dog, and Giants suit us. His name shall be "Milo."


Today I'm grateful for the furry friends who have shared my life and my love over the years, and for the ones still to come.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 22 - The Smart Friends

Sunday, December 22, 2013
The Smart Man is an Army vet. During his time in uniform, he served with two other men who did the same job, and they ended up following each other around to their various duty stations. They've been friends for almost 25 years.

This weekend, the Smart Man is in Wisconsin, attending a Green Bay Packers game with one of these men, and another friend from their bowling league. A "guy's weekend," complete with cheese curds, hot chocolate and beer.

I heard a piece of marriage advice once - that if you want a happy marriage, cultivate your women friends. Don't expect your husband to be all things to you, to fulfill your every need. And the same advice applies for husbands.

Today I'm grateful for the Smart Man's relationships with his male friends. They bring balance to his life, and allow him a masculine outlet that our relationship simply can't fill. I know these men would go to the wall for him, and for us, and that the Smart Man and I would do the same. And this is a good thing.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 21 - Feeding the Intellect

Saturday, December 21, 2013
I place enormous value on intellect. I admire the ability to think critically, to analyze external as well as internal events in a way that leads to a defensible conclusion.

And I don't think that intellect and intelligence are the same thing, although I believe intelligence supports intellect. High intelligence doesn't guarantee a stunning intellect, because the ability to think critically doesn't depend entirely on how smart you are. It depends on feeding the mind, learning to think, expanding your knowledge base in a way that broadens your viewpoint and leads to more complex and interesting conclusions.

I'm an aspiring intellectual. I'm interested in a great many topics, and one of the reasons I'm a perpetual student is because I can always find another class that I simply must take in order to "complete" my education. This means, of course, that I'll never, ever be done.

I've been going to college on and off since 1986. Most of my 185 college credits were paid for by my employer in the form of tuition assistance. And I realize how very lucky this makes me in today's reality of mounting student debt.

Today I'm grateful to have the opportunity to feed the Elephant's Child, and to do so as a matter of intellectual curiosity rather than necessity.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 20 - My Healthy Body

Friday, December 20, 2013
From a self-image perspective, it's not easy being a middle-aged woman in American culture. We have a tendency to value youth, beauty, and thin bodies in women, to the point where the contributions and skills of middle-aged and senior women are often discounted based on their physical appearance.

I try to guard against judging myself against the skewed societal norms that govern the way middle-aged women are viewed in this country. I try to look at my worth as a person holistically, taking into account my intellect, my values, and my behavior when I examine my worth - after all, being attractive does not make me a better person or a better engineer. But those nasty little voices still have a tendency to creep in, telling me that I'm not as worthy as I once was, because I'm not as hot as I once was. Stupid voices.

One of the ways in which I'm trying to guard against placing too much value on my personal appearance is by reminding myself that even though I'm not as attractive as I was twenty years ago, my body is much healthier than it was then. I no longer smoke. I exercise on a regular basis. I'm much more conscientious about what I eat. Even though I'm overweight, my metabolic health is the best it's ever been.

In spite of the normal vagaries of middle age, my body is healthy. It works. It's strong. It allows me to do the things I want to do. It has stood me in good stead, in spite of the abuse it took when I was younger.

Today I'm grateful for my healthy body.

But I'm still giving myself a lower face lift for my 50th birthday. Because as Nora Ephron noted, I feel bad about my neck. 

A Month of Gratitude, Day 19 - My Hot Mom

Thursday, December 19, 2013
Today is my Hot Mom's birthday. She's 73 today.

It's been a rough couple years for our family. We've had numerous deaths, both in our immediate and extended families. There's been contention around a variety of issues, and health problems, and natural disasters. My Hot Mom and I are the only ones left from my birth family, and that hasn't been easy for either of us.

But she's still healthy, if not as spry as she once was. She's still capable of living independently and contributing to the community in which she lives. She has an interest in continuing to learn, and in teaching others. She's built a strong support system and is a good friend in her community.

Today I'm grateful that my Hot Mom continues to live a full, rewarding life, and that in spite of everything, we still have each other. 

A Month of Gratitude, Day 18 - Social Media

Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Back when I started this blog in 2007, I was resisting the social pressure to join Facebook, MySpace, and other forms of social media. It seemed too intrusive, and I didn't really see why I needed it - after all, I had my blog.

Then I finally succumbed to peer pressure and joined Facebook. And I have to say that the experience has improved my life. I was able to reconnect with a number of people I care about with whom I'd lost touch. I was able to become more involved in the daily lives of friends and family with whom I have limited contact due to geography. I've met a number of good and funny people through social media, friends of friends.

Today I'm grateful for social media, which has enriched my life and deepened my relationships.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 17 - Health Care

Tuesday, December 17, 2013
In all my life, I have never been without health care.

As a child I was covered by my parents' plan. Then the Navy took over, and I received excellent care for the years I was on active duty. Once I went to work for Lucent Technologies, Kaiser Permanente was my provider, and will remain so until March, when I'll be moving to a more traditional health insurance plan as a result of my new job.*

But I've never had to go without quality care, and neither have my children. I've never had to choose between paying the electric bill and getting my kids immunized. I've never had to apply for government assistance because my employer didn't offer health insurance. I've never had to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what was wrong with me or someone I cared for because there was no way to pay for the necessary diagnostics. 

I am profoundly, consistently fortunate in this, especially given that over 48 million people in this country are uninsured. Today I'm grateful to be in a position where I have access to quality health care when I need it.

__________
*This means I actually have to pick a doctor and fill out insurance forms. I'm approaching 50, and honestly - I've never had to do this before.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 16 - The Smart Sailor

Monday, December 16, 2013
There are a lot of benefits to young people coming of age in the Armed Forces. You're forced into a cultural norm that may be foreign to you. The structured environment frees you to spend your energy on other things. It teaches the discipline that's required for all successful adults, where you do the things that need to be done, whether you want to do them or not.

And it provides a clean break from your birth family, an opportunity to find your own way without the influence of those who raised you.

Over the last several years, I have watched from afar as my son, the Smart Sailor, has continued his journey of personal growth while serving in the U.S. Navy. Gone is the slouchy, sullen boy who made bad choices and lacked even the rudiments of discipline in his daily life. Instead he's been working on becoming the person he wants to be, the person he thinks is worthy of respect. He's working out what his priorities should be, and how he wants to live his life.

Today I'm grateful that my son has the desire to engage in introspection, and the sensitivity to understand that if you don't like yourself or your life, then you're the one who needs to change.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 15 - My Hot Cousin

Sunday, December 15, 2013
I have a Hot Cousin who lives in the next town over with her husband. She's several years younger than me, and when we were kids, she'd always get the short end of the stick during family get togethers among the kids.

Once we became adults, we both went through some head-in-ass years where we made poor decisions and made the rest of the family shake their heads. But once we hit middle age, we ended up on the straight and narrow, and got our lives in order. Now we try to make an effort to have dinner together one a month, in addition to our monthly family ladies' night.

She and her family have become a cornerstone of my extended family life. She's funny, smart, generous, and courageous. Today I'm grateful to have a cousin in my life who's also my friend.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 14 - The Ability to Give

Saturday, December 14, 2013
This year's Adopt-a-Family haul.
After I left active duty and moved back to Colorado, I struggled financially. I was making less than $20K a year, and paid a minimum of $6K a year in child support. Things were tight, really tight, and I incurred a significant amount of debt during this time. As a result, I had no room in my budget for charity. Hell, there were a couple of times when I didn't have room for bills.

Things got better, of course. I make a good living now, and have for many years. And that gives me a flexibility in my discretionary income that brings me a great deal of joy. I now have the ability to give.

We support a variety of charities here at the Big Yellow House. Kiva. The Parker Task Force for Human Services. Our local library. But in the last several months, the Smart Man and I have made the decision to do so not on an ad hoc basis, but to put our charitable giving into our monthly budget as a tithe. Because it's included in our spending plan, it doesn't get co-opted for other things. I think religious traditions who have a culture of tithing have the right idea in this respect, and I'm glad several of our friends and family members recommended this strategy.

Today I'm grateful for the financial flexibility that allows me to contribute to the programs and services that matter to me and reflect my values.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 13 - Mr. Weatherbee

Friday, December 13, 2013
When I was a senior in high school, I don't think I could have been less motivated by the idea of school, and my participation in it. I went only often enough to get by, and as the end of the year approached, I was in real danger of not graduating.

This was a problem, as I had already enlisted in the U.S. Navy on the Delayed Entry Program, and my contract and service school selection specified that my graduating from high school was required.*

One of the classes I was failing was Mr. Weatherbee's art class. How does one fail art, you ask? By never going, that's how. So as the end of the quarter loomed, I approached Mr. Weatherbee and begged him to give me a "D" in his class so I could graduate. I explained that even though I knew I didn't deserve the D, I wanted to join the Navy, and needed to graduate to do so. He  took pity on me, and gave me the D. I graduated, entered the Navy, and attended my guaranteed service school. 

Mr. Weatherbee's kindness in giving me a grade I clearly didn't deserve literally changed the course of my life. If I had failed that class, I would not have graduated without summer school, might have lost my service school, might not have joined the Navy at all.

As I've moved through my life, I finally recognize the lesson Mr. Weatherbee taught me: There's a time to force accountability, and a time to let things go. He gave me the benefit of the doubt, and his gamble paid off. I suspect not all of Mr. Weatherbee's gambles turned out so well. But it's a fact that some did, and that's enough.

Today I'm grateful for Mr. Weatherbee, whose decision led me to a productive, successful life.

____________
*In those days, women wanting to enter the service were required to have a high school diploma. Men could get away with a G.E.D., but the standards for women were higher.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 12 - The Whippersnapper and The Epidemiologist

Thursday, December 12, 2013
The Smart Man has a brother. He's six years younger than the Smart Man, which makes him twelve years younger than me. He was barely old enough to drink legally when I met him, the whippersnapper.

A number of years ago, the whippersnapper met an amazing woman, She's smart, funny, kind, generous and an accomplished epidemiologist. As these things go, they eventually fell in love and decided to get married.

Since that time, I've had a chance to get to know them both, and I have to say - I have won the lottery when it comes to siblings-in-law. They have taken me and my children into their lives and their hearts without reservation, and have extended my family in ways that have only enriched my life.

Today I'm grateful for the whippersnapper and the epidemiologist, who aren't my "in-laws," they're just my brother and sister.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 11 - Wide Availability of Audio Content

Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Back in the day, it was very unusual to see audiobooks available in my local library. Such media were typically used only by the visually impaired, and purchasing books in this format was dreadfully expensive.

But with the advent of digital content, listening to audiobooks and other content instead of reading them in a traditional sense. Audible and other clearinghouses provide thousands of choices, and libraries now routinely include audio content in their offerings.

And this could not make me happier.

The fact that identical content is offered in audio format means I can read so much more than I did before. I read when I'm exercising. I read while I'm cooking. I read while the Smart Man watches sports. I read while I'm driving. Because, BOOKS.

Today I'm grateful to have added another medium to my repertoire that allows me to finish even MORE books.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 10 - The Mechanicky Guy

Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I have a friend. We've known each other for twenty years. We served in the U.S. Navy together, and over the years we've watched each other make horrific personal choices, make the same mistakes several times before finally learning the lesson, and been there for one another amidst the turmoil and crap that comes from coming of age and working in an entirely male dominated field.

We've grown into the women we want to be together, called each other to task when required, and rejoiced and grieved together as life has lifted us up and thrown us down. She's my "Sister from another Mister."

I'm speaking, of course, of The Mechanicky Gal*, and until a few years ago, she's been alone.

The Mechanicky Gal is perfectly capable of living a fulfilling, rich life without a romantic partner. She's self-sufficient, has many friends and neighbors, and is active in her community. But she always wanted a partner - she just couldn't find one that wasn't a jerk, or a mooch, or had some other fatal flaw.

But then she met The Mechanicky Guy. He's a hard worker, a kind human being, has a good sense of humor, treats her well and with respect, and is a living exemplar of the power of change. He's a person of good character, and a thoroughly nice man.

Today I'm grateful that after all these years, my friend and sister has found a partner with whom to share her daily life, someone who is worthy of her time and attention, and recognizes her value not only as a partner, but as a human being.

Welcome to the family, Mechanicky Guy. You're a good egg, and I'm glad you're here.

_________
*Not her real name.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 9 - My Hot Mother-in-Law

Monday, December 9, 2013
When I hear people complain about their mothers-in-law, I feel bad for them. Being forced into a familial relationship with someone you just don't like is a tough situation. And I admire those who can manage that relationship with some level of grace. Fortunately for me, my relationship with my own mother-in-law doesn't require that much effort.

From the very beginning of my relationship with the Smart Man, his mother has been nothing but gracious and welcoming to me. She was extremely helpful to me during some difficult parenting times, and in 2014 we're taking an Alaskan cruise together in honor of her 65th birthday.

I've come to love my mother-in-law like a member of my own family. Which makes sense, because she is a member of my family. Today I'm grateful to have a strong, loving relationship with my mother-in-law.

A Week of Gratitude, Day 8 - Sister Stacey

Sunday, December 8, 2013
I met Sister Stacey through the Incomparable Anne™. This is not really a surprise, because Anne has a reputation for being a "gateway friend," and has introduced me to many fine people, including her birth family.

But Stacey is different.

From the beginning, Stacey and I discovered commonality in our experience, our outlook, and our lives. We're the same generation. We both have children and divorced their fathers when they were quite young. We both struggled financially when our kids were young. We both found true love later in life, and are grateful that our earned wisdom has led us to lives we can be proud of.

More than anyone else I've met, Stacey has the virtue of being a staunch and true friend. Not an acquaintance, not someone who you see occasionally and think of fondly, but a friend. A "your child just died unexpectedly so I'll cross the country and be there in less than 24 hours without you having to ask" friend. A "your mom is having major surgery so I'll come up and sit with you at the hospital" friend. A "go ahead and bitch to me for the millionth time on the same issue and I'll continue to be supportive" friend. An honest to god "help me hide the body" friend.

Stacey is the kind of friend who isn't just my friend. She's one of a very few people in this world who holds a blank check with me, ready to be cashed at any time. My sister. And I'm so grateful to have her in my life. 

A Month of Gratitude, Day 7 - My New Gig

Saturday, December 7, 2013
On a professional basis, I spent a good part of last year in a pretty unhappy state. I was performing work that I was not hired to do, in a culture that just wasn't a good fit for me. So in spite of working for and with some really exceptional people, I decided to look for another option.

So I was keeping an eye on Linked-In and some other engineering job forums, when one day I saw an old colleague of mine was hiring. The job ad specified an engineer in California, but I thought, what the hay, I'll send him a note and tell him to keep me in mind if something comes up in Colorado.

Well, the California requirement was actually a mistake in the job ad, and he was hiring in Colorado.

After a number of weeks of negotiation and secondary interviews, we settled on a November 18th start date.

This has been such a relief. I'm doing the work for which I'm best-suited. I'm comfortable with the expectations and work requirements. I'm delighted to be working on projects where the goal is revenue attainment rather than cultural change. And in spite of my current status as the token chick on the team, the leadership organization has made a commitment to ensuring more gender diversity not only in the engineering teams, but in leadership, as well.

Today I'm grateful for a job where I feel I can be successful, the ability to perform my work well, and for the professional relationships that have made my career successful and fulfilling.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 6 - My Auntie and Uncle

Friday, December 6, 2013
I have an Aunt and Uncle.

They live out in the country, and keep chickens, whom they name. They like it out there, even though they spend a considerable amount of time here in the Big City visiting family and such.

And when the Smart Man and I grow up, we want to be just like them.

My Aunt and Uncle are amazingly decent and kind human beings. There's simply nothing to dislike about them. They're gracious, generous, funny, kind and supportive. They have their priorities in life, and those priorities center around people. People they care about. People they know, people they don't know.

And they love one another. There's no one they'd rather spend time with than each other, and they've spent the last 30+ years doing just that. They don't argue, and they demonstrate with their behavior that the other's happiness is a top concern for both of them. It pains them to be apart, so they'd really rather not.

The Smart Man and I are not really temperamentally suited for that kind of relationship. We enjoy spending time together, we don't like to be apart, but we pursue our own interests and friendships, as well.

But my Auntie Michel and Uncle Larry provide a great example, not only of kind, decent human beings, but of applying those lessons to their marriage and their lives together.

Today I'm grateful to have my Auntie and Uncle in my life, to help guide me and keep my priorities where they should be.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 5 - My Lost Baby Girl

Thursday, December 5, 2013
Today I'm going to repost the eulogy I wrote for my baby girl, who died on July 31st. I am so grateful that I had a chance to know her, that she was a part of my life, however briefly. And I can't think of anything to say that I didn't write before.
___________

When someone we love commits suicide, I think people have a natural tendency to get angry, to rail against the universe, to demand an explanation where none exists. We blame the victim, the world, ourselves.

But I can’t do that. I can’t do that because even though I will never be able to wrap my mind around why Moe chose to end her life, I cannot allow anger and despair to overshadow how very grateful I am that she was my daughter; how her presence in my life enriched me and made me a better person. So I choose to celebrate her life, however short, and to remember her in the same way I saw her in life, with love and admiration.

And there was a lot to love to admire.

My daughter was fierce. In all my life, I have never met another human being who had more conviction for doing what she thought was right and fair, consequences to herself be damned. She never hesitated to take a stand on moral grounds, or to stick up for the underdog. I loved this about her, and her courage inspired me to be more courageous.

My daughter had a stunning intellect. She read voraciously, all her life, right from the beginning. We would often see her moving through the house with her nose stuck in a book, to the point where we became a little concerned that she’d fall down the stairs from not watching where she was going. Books were her lifelong friends, and her love of reading was a cornerstone of who she was. She consumed information about her world with the curiosity of the elephant’s child, whether the topic was Dr. Who or social commentary on feminism in the modern age. And nothing made her happier than to share this passion with others.

My daughter had an amazing ability to care for and invest in other people. She was passionate about social justice. In spite of facing discrimination herself, she spent considerable effort in trying to see the world through the eyes of those who had less privilege. She cared about feminism, and the LGBT community, and those who couldn’t care for themselves. My daughter loved meat. Steak, bacon, sushi – she loved it all. But when she decided that eating animals was not an ethical act, she did not hesitate to become a vegetarian, because it was the right thing to do, even though it meant giving up something she thoroughly enjoyed. It’s who she was, and her ethical consistency and ability to sacrifice holds me to a higher standard, as well.

There was time when things weren’t easy between us. We both spent her teen years being angry and hurt. But as she approached adulthood, we turned a corner, and adopted the attitude that being right was not nearly as important as being family. I cannot express how profoundly grateful I am to have had the opportunity to rebuild my relationship with Moe on a foundation of trust, respect and mutual support, and I know she felt the same way. Getting to know one another as unique human beings with our own priorities and desires has been one of the most precious and sacred experiences of my life. I’m so thankful to have done this work, and to have done it with someone whom I love and admire so deeply.

I will miss my baby girl every day of my life. But I will remember her positively, in all her glory and uniqueness, in all her awesomeness. She really did march to the beat of her own tuba, and I’m grateful, utterly grateful, to have marched with her, however briefly.

I’d like to close with a quote from Winnie the Pooh: "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

A Month of Gratitude, Day 4 - Giving Tuesday

Wednesday, December 4, 2013


I'm not a huge fan of the "Black Friday" cultural phenomenon. The crowds make me claustrophobic, it offends me deeply that people are forced to work on the holiday in order to cater to the consumerism and greed of the populace, and the behavior of some of the shoppers is enough to make me weep in despair.

Which is why I'm so fond of the counter-movement known as "Giving Tuesday." In its second year, it's a campaign to designate the Tuesday after Thanksgiving as a day to give back, donate to charity, or volunteer time to help others. We participated last year, and I wanted to participate this year, as well. Unfortunately, I'm in California today and tomorrow, so we moved our donation to Saturday instead, by heading over to Keller's again this year with the Toys for Tots haul:

Is there anything cooler than getting a bike on Christmas morning?

We ran out of bags this year, and because of the bikes, had to take two vehicles for the drop-off.


Today I'm grateful that I live in a society where a grass roots effort to celebrate generosity and charity is growing exponentially. 

A Month of Gratitude, Day 3 - The Incomparable Anne™

Tuesday, December 3, 2013
I have a friend. I met her on the Internet, and when it turned out that we lived in the same city, we decided to meet for lunch one day in January 2008.

Since then, we've become close friends, making an effort to see each other on a regular basis. We've met one another's families, and because she has a reputation as a "gateway friend," she's introduced me to some really stellar people.

One of the things I love about Anne is that we share a very specific personality trait: We're both introspective navel-gazers. Exploring our own minds in the name of self-knowledge and self-improvement is an activity on which we've both spent a considerable amount of time and energy. This work - and it is work - requires a certain amount of intellectual rigor, and a dedication to self honesty. Anne has both those things, and one of the things I've learned from her is the ability to be assertive in communicating what I want from specific situations or activities. Shuffling off the societal expectation for women to take what's given with no complaint is an important aspect of growth for me, and Anne has been one of my role models in this area.

Today I'm grateful to have a friend like Anne in my life - someone who challenges me, who shares my intellectual life with me, who's always willing to spend some time gazing into our navels.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 2 - The UCF

Monday, December 2, 2013
I have a group of on-line friends. We met on a now defunct discussion board, and found in each other a self-selected group who had the ability to think, to be silly, to be funny, to be friends with one another, in spite of not ever having met in person.

We call ourselves "The UCF." This stands for "The Union of Collaborating Founders," and none of us really remember what that means or how Nathan came up with it. We're just "The UCF."

Over the years, we've made efforts to actually meet one another. I've met almost 70% of the group in person, as well as their wives, husbands and partners. There's a cadre of "UCF Auxiliary" members such as The Mechanicky Gal and Sister Stacey, who enhance and extend our relationships.

We've been friends since the Winter of 2007-2008. We've stood by each other during the very best and the very worst times of our lives. Death. Destruction. New jobs. Old jobs. Break ups. New relationships. Old relationships. You name it, one of us has been through it during the last six years.

There have been members who have drifted away from the group, and new members have been asked to join. But always, the group has been comprised of high quality people, decent people, smart people, people who make me think and enrich my life.

Today I'm grateful for The UCF, who make me laugh and make me feel loved, in all their whacky glory.

A Month of Gratitude, Day 1 - The Gift of Reading

Sunday, December 1, 2013
Worldwide, 775 million adults — approximately 12 percent of the world’s population — are considered functionally illiterate, with only basic or below-basic literacy levels in their native languages. Without the ability to effectively use the written and digital information in the world around them, these individuals are unable to help themselves, their families and those around them.

I cannot remember a time when I couldn't read, and read well. The idea that I would not be able to do so is completely foreign to me, and considering how many thousands of hours I've spent with my nose in a book, or a Kindle, or my iPad, I suspect my life would have been very different had I not spent so much time indulging my passion.

The ability (and desire) to read was just assumed in the house where I grew up, and no book was "off limits." So beginning in grade school, I read voraciously, and never really stopped. I average between 80 and 100 books a year, and after my daughter died and I was out on disability for my hysterectomy, I disappeared into fiction.

Today I'm grateful for the gift of reading, which enriches my life and broadens my horizons.