The price we pay for love

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Today marks the third anniversary of my daughter's death.

I don't cry as often now. I'm not as emotionally fragile. Her death no longer touches every single aspect of my life, every single day. I'm surrounded by people who love and support me, and grieve with me and for me when the need arises.

But not a day goes by where I don't think of her, where some small thing reminds me of her, and what the world has lost in her passing. Not a day goes by when her picture doesn't make my heart ache, and I wonder if I'll ever get over this pervasive grief.

And what I've learned is that the answer is no. I will never get over it. It will live in my heart forever, alongside my love for my Moe-Moe, a dull ache that will never go away. And I've learned that while the grief hasn't lessened, I've become better at bearing it.

Bearing the burden that is a lost child requires practice, patience and perseverance, and as time goes by, my own emotional life has grown around my grief. I've read that bearing this kind of grief is like training for a marathon - the longer you practice, the better you get. You're still covering the same distance, but you become more efficient in covering those miles.

The loss of my daughter still stabs at my heart like a knife. But I'm more efficient now in managing that pain, in performing the emotional labor that goes with rebuilding my emotional resilience and my life in the new reality that is life-without-Moe. The road that is my life will always be permeated by the grief of losing her, always. For me, losing this overlay on my life would mean that I've also lost my love for my baby girl, and that will never happen. This is the price we pay for love, and I'll gladly pay it for the privilege of being her mother, for the privilege of having known her and loved her.

So I'll keep training, doing the emotional labor required to improve my efficiency in managing my grief, and keep her memory alive through love and deed. It's the best I can do, and the most I can hope for.


2 comments:

Anne C. said...

Beautifully said. Moe-Moe made so many lives better by just being herself. I miss her and I grieve with you and for you. Oceans of love, my dear friend.

mom in northern said...

It is hard....very hard. It doesn't get any easier...not really. As you age and the losses pile up as more and more people you care about pass; all you can do is "Just keep on keeping on".

Love to you pumpkin and to the rest of those who miss her too...