Random Thoughts and Rules to Live By, Part 14

Friday, April 29, 2016

Chronic, professional lateness is disrespectful. It implies that the tardy person believes their time is far more valuable than mine, and they don't mind if I waste some of this very limited resource waiting on them, instead of being productive. 

Link Me Up, Scotty - Mansplaining Edition

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

A statistician talks about how men automatically assume she is unqualified to discuss statistics. And then mansplain how she's wrong to assume they're mansplaining. Angels and ministers of grace, defend us.
________

On what it means to be middle class in America. While the Smart Man and I are financially secure now, there were many years where I did not meet the "$400 emergency" criteria. and I remember it like it was burned into my brain with a blow torch.
________

Freddy Mercury's voice is unique among rock singers, and now we know why. What an amazing talent.
________

There's a suicide prevention and mental health bill in the Senate right now that needs our support. Please consider e:mailing your Senator to help make this bill a law.

H/T Sister Stacey
________

How to say "no" with grace. I could learn from this author. I'm much better at saying "no" these days, but sometimes it comes out a bit harsher than I'd wish, as in, "I'm not doing that. Stop asking me." Of course, I'm only that abrupt when someone won't take my gentler "no" for an answer. Because remember kids, when people won't take no for an answer, they're trying to control you.

H/T Lynne
________

I love this idea, at least for part of the year. A vacation home on the water!

H/T Tempest
________

A fascinating description of what it's like to be aphantashic. This is a Facebook Note, so I apologize to those without a Facebook account.

H/T Sister Carolyn
________

Harriet Tubman was a complete and utter bad ass, worthy of our respect and admiration. A true hero, and a fine choice for the first woman to grace our paper currency.

H/T Brother Juan

Link Me Up, Scotty - Science and Engineering Edition

Monday, April 25, 2016

Wil Wheaton on how art can inspire science, technology, engineering, and mathematics students to achieve great things. STEAM is the bomb-diggity, y'all. 
________

Your neighbors, the invisible microbes that are unique to your community.
________

Retired Marine Staff Sergent Tim Chambers holds a salute for over 3 hours in respect for the Rolling Thunder Ride for Freedom. He's done it every year since 2006, but this year, he completed his task with a shattered right wrist. Semper Fi, Marine.
________

Why it's still a struggle to put women in space. Women (and men) have been advocating for gender diversity in space travel since before the Apollo program, and yet...here we still are.
________

Queen Elizabeth is 90 years old, the longest reigning monarch in British history. Her life in pictures.
________

Why do so many Inuit die from suicide in Greenland? Loss of community, family ties, and the disruption of traditional ways of life lead to isolation, despair, and a lack of emotional resiliency. Also? Atsa Schmidt is my new hero.
________

From the "be careful what you wish for" files: An autistic adult obtains emotional awareness through cutting edge medical treatment, with mixed results.
________

From the Mighty Girl Files: This female Indian wrestler is the Bomb-Diggity, and so is her husband.
________

NPR reports on the very strange world of Nepal's child Goddess. Moral: People are odd.
________

Video of my Heart: AntiVaxx parents take a ride on the Magic School Bus.

H/T Brother Paul


Random Thoughts and Rules to Live By, Part 13

Friday, April 22, 2016

Phrases like "politically correct," and "taking my country back" are, more often than not, dog whistles for someone's intense discomfort in having to give up their unearned privilege. And in many cases, these same people are utterly unaware of that fact, even if it's completely true in their case.

In Remembrance

Thursday, April 21, 2016
Today I learned that my blog circle, The UCF, has lost one of our members. Dr. Philip Edward Kaldon - known to all as "Dr. Phil" - was our resident physicist, author, pusher of deep-dish pizza, funny man, photographer, and all around good egg. He is survived by his lovely wife and companion of 32 years, Debbie, known here as "Debbie the Librarian." We grieve with Debbie, and stand with her in love and remembrance.

Back to the stars, Dr. Phil, from whence you came. The night sky will shine a little brighter in your light.

photo by Al Bogdan

Link Me Up, Scotty - Justice Edition

Saturday, April 16, 2016

A Marine officer who was teaching at the Naval Academy is found guilty of conduct unbecoming an officer, indecent conduct and fraternization with two Midshipmen. He thought he was getting a raw deal, so he convinced an investigative reporter from The Washington Post to do an in-depth investigation of the case in an effort to boost his chances of exoneration. Be careful what you wish for, cupcake. There's not a single person in this story that didn't exhibit poor judgement at the very least, and Major Mark Thompson deserves whatever he gets as long as it's not full retirement.

H/T Shipmate Jim
________

Porn sites have banned NC users from their sites due to their discriminatory bathroom law. Karma, you are a spiteful bitch, and I love you for it.

H/T Brother Juan
________

Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sottomayer on why the Supreme Court needs more diversity, not only in terms of race, gender and creed, but in educational backgrounds, too. The more I read about her, the more she's becoming my platonic, semi-celebrity, same-sex girlfriend. Although she'll have to work pretty hard to displace the Notorious RBG.
________

The Daily Show takes on trans bathroom panic, with predictable results. Featuring none other than our old friend Gordon "Chaps" Klingenschmitt, famed asshat, whackadoo, bigot and purveyor of fantasy.*
________

From the I'm apoplectic with rage files: Mental health professionals in Tennessee will soon be able to refuse to treat members of the LGBTQ community because their religious bigotry trumps their oath to heal. I find this particular piece of shitbaggery to be especially infuriating and hurtful, for what should be obvious reasons.

H/T Sister Stacey
________

Overlanding the Silk Road is a film by Nicolas Bori, who spent 120 days following the ancient route of the Silk Road, which took him through China, Mongolia, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Azerbaijan, Georgia, and Turkey. Fascinating.

H/T Brother Juan
________

It appears the Republicans in charge of the Benghazi investigation doctored the records to make Secretary Clinton look bad. I'm shocked - shocked! - that the partisan nonsense in Washington would lead to such an event, said no literate American ever. Make sure you link through to the source document to guard against bias.
________

Sarah Palin agreed to debate Bill Nye the Science Guy, but then thought better of it. So she's not a complete moron, then.

ETA: Oh, wait, yes she is
________

A fascinating article on the alien intelligence of Octopus, in the wake of the now-famous Inky's clever break for freedom from a New Zealand aquarium. I love octopus, and now I have a new book in my wish list.

H/T The Incomparable Anne
________
*He still embarrasses me to death, y'all. 

Random Thoughts and Rules to Live By, Part 12

Friday, April 15, 2016

The key to a successful relationship of any kind is a reasonably equal distribution of emotional labor.

End of the line

Thursday, April 14, 2016

I'm currently listening to an offering from The Great Courses called Biological Anthropology: An Evolutionary Perspective, by Professor Barbara J. King. Earlier in the week, she was discussing human evolution and inheritance, and brought up the concept of Mitochondrial Eve. While discussing this idea, she made the comment that many branches of humanity have experienced extinct mitochondrial lines, so the idea of a single individual identified as Mitochondrial Eve is more than a bit simplistic.

Hearing these words, mitochondrial DNA extinction, made me think of Moe's death in a new way. While the Smart Son wants to have a family of his own, my own mitochondrial line ends with me. My own daughter is dead, and my mother has no other granddaughters.

Our broader matriarchal line is not extinct - I have Aunties with daughters, who had daughters of their own. But my own mitochondrial line will die with me. 

Realistically speaking, this would probably still be the case even had Moe lived. She never had much interest in giving birth - she always spoke of adopting when she discussed having a family of her own. I was completely supportive of this plan, as I welcome the lengthening of my table regardless of where people come from, but it's only now, after her death, that it occurs to me that I'm the end of the line.

Weird.

12 Days of New Year's - Learning to Let Go

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

My mind tends to be a very regimented place. I like being on a schedule. I like doing the same things on the same days of the week, every week. I like to measure things, I like to record those measurements, and it gives me comfort to have that data at my disposable.

Oftentimes I don't really DO anything with the data. I just like to have it. And stare at it. And obsess over it.

For example, when I was sick last month with the Sinus Plague, I woke up in the middle of night one night because I couldn't breathe. I really needed to blow my nose, but I hesitated because - wait for it - if I blew my nose in the middle of the night, I wouldn't be able to compare how my head felt the previous morning, and my data wouldn't be gathered in a consistent manner.

I know. It boggles my mind, too, and it's happening inside my own head.

I realize this makes me borderline OCD. Borderline because on the night in question, I was able to laugh at myself and blow my damn nose. But these sorts of things still happen to me often enough that I really want to learn to let things go. I know where this need to control every little thing comes from, and it's going to take a while to work though those issues. But in the meantime, a little behavior modification is in order.

I think that starts with conscious choices. For example, I've stopped wearing my heart rate monitor when I exercise. I can tell when I'm working hard enough, I don't need to stare at a monitor to discover that fact. I've become lackadaisical about logging every step, every calorie. Some days I even deliberately fail to plan dinner the minute I get up! I know - I'M COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

The trick will be ensuring this attention to detail is still retained in my professional life, while simultaneously relaxing in my personal space. Because my borderline OCD serves me well as an engineer, and I don't want to go all hippie-dippie when it comes to my work. Because no one wants to work with a hippie-dippie engineer.

Like Mr. Incredible, I just need to learn how to be more...flexible.




Do you hear what I hear

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I stopped writing about politics about a month ago. Mostly because it was giving my hypertension, but also because it makes me sad. It doesn't seem like there's much middle ground these days, and each side is so filled with righteous indignation they often can't hear what the other side is trying to say. Or alternatively, they hear all too well what the other side is trying to say, and it makes them even angrier. Welcome to the modern incarnation of the Southern Strategy, otherwise known as dog-whistle politics.

As a liberal, I freely admit that my ear is more closely attuned to the dog-whistles used by the right than the ones used by the left. For example:

When conservatives say, "Let's take our country back," what I hear is, "I'm an angry, scared, white, CIS dude, and the fact that the women and the browns and the gays want to compete on equal footing with me, want to be protected equally under the law the same as me, and want to deprive me of my unearned privilege fills me with anger. I want to go back to the days when these 'others' drove the economy for my benefit alone because I'm blind to the experiences of those not like me."

When conservatives say, "I don't believe in being politically correct," what I hear is, "I don't believe in treating others with respect, because doing so removes the emotional charge from my argument and then I have to win based on facts, figures and merit, rather than an emotional, knee-jerk reaction." 

Do these interpretations mean I believe every conservative is a blind, unenlightened racist with no inner life or empathy for others? No, I don't. I truly believe that people of good conscience can disagree about the role of government in our lives without ascribing evil motivations to those with a different worldview.

But I think these specific phrases, and the history behind them, is code for an entire set of policies and motivations that does not bear close examination. They lead directly to the continued oppression of historically oppressed people, and they attempt to dismiss and ignore the generational burden of being black, or brown, or female, or a member of the LGBTQ community. The fact that often those who use these phrases are shocked at the suggestion that they would be categorized in a such a way is immaterial. Manipulative, shitty politicians have been using this nonsense for years to mobilize an angry, scared base, and the fact of the matter is that they work. If the people who are using them can't clearly articulate why they're angry, or scared, or exactly who in their mind they need to wrest control from, then I would suggest they need to do some additional soul-searching as it relates to their political opinions.

There are equally damning allegations against the left, of course. From what I'm able to discern, the conservative base considers the phrases "Social justice" and "Social programs" to mean "Taking money from hard-working people and giving it to lazy good-for-nothings who don't want to work." Or the term "Christian fundamentalist" is apparently code for the left's desire to persecute Christians.*

The point, I guess, is that neither side assumes the other is capable of seeing the "truth." The "truth" about how we're all manipulated by big money in politics, the "truth" about what's REALLY compromising the integrity of our economy, the "truth" about the motivations of the opposition.

For myself, I will continue to measure political positions based on the categorical imperative: "Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law."

By that yardstick, we're all pretty fucked up. I can only vote for those individuals who come closest to this ideal. As Paul Wellstone put it, "We all do better when we all do better."

________
*I have trouble even typing that one without giggling uncontrollably. "Persecution." SNORT.

Link Me Up, Scotty - Voldemort and Love Edition

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Wil Wheaton on bullying and building a happy life. "Life is too short to be Voldemort," indeed.
________

A decorated Sikh Army officer has been granted the right to wear his religiously mandated turban and beard while serving on active duty. This makes my heart happy. Sikhs have a culture of service, and asking Sikh-Americans to choose between their religious belief and their service is stupid when they can be so easily accommodated.

H/T Brother Vince
________

From the Apoplectic with Rage Files: Rent is expensive. Really expensive. And it's one of the things that keeps the poor from getting ahead. 

H/T Brother Seth
________

How to be a good ally and super-duper Grandma. Aaron is so, so lucky. AND THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY EYE.

H/T Sister Stacey
________

Wolverines may have a new vocation - search and rescue in the event of an avalanche. I love wolverines, and the idea of using them as partners in this work makes me furiously happy.

H/T Brother Juan
________

The Boston Globe's mock front page depicting a world where the Trumpsicle is the President
________

Quote of my Heart:


Random Thoughts and Words to Live By, Part 11

Friday, April 8, 2016

When someone says, "I'm just saying" in a non-joking manner, what they really mean is they're complaining and they want me to fix whatever is bothering them. This does not obligate me to do so, however.

Link Me Up, Scotty - Beer and Feminism Edition

Thursday, April 7, 2016
The "Rocket Girls" of Jet Propulsion Laboratories pushed us into space in the 1940s with their mad skills in mathematics. These women right here represent my intellectual and professional roots. All respect, ladies.

H/T Brother Juan
________

A man with anxiety and depression photographs ballet dancers as a way to find his way home. Beautiful.

H/T Sister Fran
________

The importance of speaking to girls about the importance of their own pleasure when it comes to sex. Because they should know they're not just a vessel for men's pleasure, and should have expectations of their own.
________

Things my male tech colleagues have actually said to me, annotated. Mercy me, but variations of these have followed me my entire life. My personal favorite:
“It’s not ‘P.C.’ to say this, but…” Thank you for this helpful preface alerting me to the fact that I can spend the next thirty seconds fantasizing about Star Trek without missing anything important.
________

When people talk openly about suicide loss without shame, it creates a safe space for others to speak, as well. My baby girl died of mental illness and suicide, and I will never be silent on this issue. Never.

H/T Sister Stacey
________

Chuck Windeg takes on the Tiny House movement, with hilarious results.
________

How feral cats are cleaning up rat populations in Chicago. The kitties are provided through the Cats at Work program sponsored by the Tree House Humane Society. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
________

Young Hilde Kate Lysiak is a community reporter for her small town, and has not one fuck to give about what you think about her vocation.  MIGHTY GIRL.

H/T Sister from Another Mister Mechanicky Gal
________

Why avocados are the perfect food.
________

The Navy continues its work in making the names of rates gender neutral with the highly problematic "Yeoman." I was a "Radioman" for most of my career, and never thought much about it - the problem with being immersed in patriarchal culture, I suspect. I then became an "Information Systems Technician," which was far more accurate and descriptive, but less traditional.
________

Video of my Heart: Those Carlton Draught people really know how to produce a commercial.


Turning Down the Heat

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

My brain is an asshole. While my insomnia is considered "under control" by medical standards, I still have bad nights.

One of the things I've noticed is that my insomnia has changed over the years. I used to obsess over a single thing and not be able to get back to sleep - usually some dumb thing that didn't go exactly right. This was diagnosed as a mild anxiety disorder, and I take medication for it before bedtime.

Nowadays when I wake up in the middle  night, thoughts and ideas explode in my mind like bubbles in boiling water. Oftentimes I can't slow my mind down until the ideas and thoughts have run their course and I can relax. But even then I end up having really vivid stress dreams after, and wake up tired and worn.*

And they're not even good or useful thoughts and ideas. 

So I'm trying a new technique - I imagine my mind as a pot of boiling water, and as I'm laying there, I slowly turn down the heat, allowing the water to cool and stop boiling. We'll see how successful I am.

________
*Weirdly, Moe's death did not make my insomnia worse, but other triggers will. Triggers like watching more than one episode of a violent television show like Oz or Sons of Anarchy. Brains are such strange places.

The Power of Words

Monday, April 4, 2016
As a youngster, I was briefly involved in Brownies. I guess I must have been about 8 years old, and the program was sponsored by the elementary school I attended.

The meetings and activities were your standard after-school fair, I think. A snack, followed by a service or craft project, with specific curricula designed to encourage leadership growth in young girls. And it was there that I saw one of the most egregious abuses of petty power I can remember.

Each meeting, one of the mothers would bring snacks for all the girls in the group. There were enough girls that I don't think it was an onerous task for the moms (always moms, never dads - it was 1973). The snacks were usually home-made goodies, as status was derived by such things among many of the adult women in my suburban community in those days. But one day, the mom in charge of snacks decided to bring long-johns. One for each girl.

When it comes to status symbols, oftentimes the scarcity of the item is directly related to its desirability. In the early '70's, most of us had stay-at-home moms, and getting homemade goodies was pretty commonplace, and because we were 8, we had no appreciation of the time and work associated with making dozens of snacks for elementary school kids. And we didn't often get bakery goods - buying such things (when the discerning housewife should be baking instead) was Frowned Upon. So when these boxes and boxes of long-johns arrived for our snack, we were EXCITED, in only the way youngsters can be when they feed off each other in anticipation of something special.

One of the things the Brownies did was say some sort of "grace" prior to digging in to our snacks. I don't recall the language, other than it was pretty vanilla, and we all had to memorize it and say it at each meeting.

And at this particular meeting, all the girls were breathless with excitement over the long-johns, and as we said grace, a number of girls were holding or otherwise touching their pastries during grace. When we'd finished, one of the adult leaders decided that was inappropriate, and decided to speak.

Now, I understand that what was considered good manners in those days was much more rigid that what we apply today. So if this woman had just said, "All right, girls, I noticed a number of you were handling your food during grace, so I think we should try it again without doing that," it would not have stuck in my mind, over 40 years later. Instead what she said was, "We're going to say grace again, because girls like Christy X* were touching their food during grace, and that's not the way we do things here at Brownies."

Christy was devastated. She ran from the room and hid in the bathroom, inconsolable. She cried until her mom picked her up, horrifyingly embarrassed and shamed by being called out by name in front of her peers. I don't recall if she ever came back to Brownies, or not. Quite a punishment for the crime of being overly excited about a special treat.

Now, as an adult, I wonder - what in the Sam Hill was this woman thinking? Was she disappointed and angry that the store-bought snacks provided by this mom were so much more popular among the girls than her own home-baked offerings? Was she taking this anger out on Christy, because Christy was pretty and popular, and her own child was not? What possible outcome did she expect by publicly shaming this girl? Because the outcome she got was a devastated youngster, 40 other girls who thought she was really, really mean, and an adult who uses her behavior as a yardstick for how the axiom of "praise in pubic, criticize in private" MATTERS. I'm quite sure the whole "don't handle your food during grace" lesson was lost among the emotional trauma. And I'm equally sure the lesson in manners wasn't the point of her comment in any event.

So what's the point of this little morality play? Words matter. Positions of authority carry power, no matter how little. And being an uptight, mean, bitch gets you remembered in a less than flattering light.

________

*I remember Christy's last name - as a direct result of this incident, in fact - but I don't want to publish it here.

Learning to Let Go

Saturday, April 2, 2016
Today the Smart Man and I went through everything in the storage unit where we'd been keeping Moe's things.

With the exception of her furniture (which we took care of with the help of the Smart Friend over a year ago), her things had been sitting in storage since her death, awaiting a time when I might have the emotional fortitude to go through them and decide what to do with them.

The process was easier than I expected. There wasn't as much as I thought, since she did the preliminary sort herself and took many things to the Goodwill before she died. The things that remained were mostly destined for the Goodwill or the dump, as the group that packed up her belongings when she died didn't throw anything away - they wanted me to have the chance to do it before any decisions were made.

We brought a few kitchen things home for the Smart Son to have when he gets a place of his own, and I kept two boxes for myself. I saved her gaming dice for her Sister from another Mister along with some Star Trek collectable glasses. But everything else is either gone, or will be gone by month's end.

It was time. They say time heals all wounds, and mostly I think they're full of shit for saying that, but in the 2.5 years she's been gone, my feelings about her loss have evolved from a gut-wrenching grief to a constant dull ache. I still cry about it. I still miss her terribly, every day. I always will. But I'm ready to let the physical reminders of her life go, and be content with the legacy that resides in my heart and my actions.

I love you, baby girl, wherever you are.

Random Thoughts and Rules to Live By, Part 10

Friday, April 1, 2016


The important thing about financial security isn't the money. It's the choices.