The Ridiculousness of the Righteous, with Translations

Thursday, August 22, 2019

Last Sunday, the Smart Man, Sister Stacey and me went to our first Parasol Patrol event. For those who aren't familiar, here is their mission:
The "Parasol Patrol" was formed out of a need to protect our children's senses from the onslaught of hateful speech from protesters. We provide hearing protection to muffle the vitriolic taunts and use our umbrellas to shield them from the vulgar signs and angry faces. Without rising to the bait of these misguided protesters, we walk between them and the kids/guests, buffering the children from those who would do them harm. Parasol Patrol is comprised of community volunteers and are not a security force or vocal anti-protesters. We do what we can in the spirit of peace and love so that the youngest can have a safe places in which to share their talents and creativity.
The event we attended was "Dragutante," at the Bluebird Theater. The purpose of the event is to allow young people the opportunity to participate in a drag event in a safe space, with the encouragement of their families and the guidance and mentorship of adult drag queens who volunteer their time to this non-profit.

So it brings out the crazies, because of course it does. Nothing stirs up the self-righteous bigots like things they don't understand.

Enter the Parasol Patrol.

This was taken prior to the arrival of the crazies. The lovely couple to my left is Ruthie and Lowell, who have been friends of my birth family for many, many years.


One of the founders of the group, a lovely man named Eli, told us that the protesters had announced they were "coming out in force" for this event. Apparently "in force" means about seven people. The Parasol Patrol volunteers numbered about 70.

We stood on the private property owned by the Bluebird. Bluebird's security occupied the neutral zone between us and sidewalk where the protesters chose to display their signs and use their bull-horns.

When I first volunteered for this event, I was really concerned about my ability to keep my temper and not get emotionally hooked by the rhetoric of the protesters. But you know what? I need not have worried. These people were just so utterly ridiculous, it was hard to take them seriously.

The first item of note is that about half the crazies chose to wear masks. I guess because nothing says "I'm a righteous paragon of virtue crusading against moral turpitude" like refusing to show your face. Bonus dumbassery: They stupidly chose to wear Guy Fawkes masks from V for Vendetta. Yeah. I've seen that movie, and its point is exactly the opposite of controlling people and their choices because you don't agree with them. The ignorance is strong in this one.

Then there were their so-called "messages," which basically consisted of ancient tropes and personal attacks that have nothing to do with the modern world and the current state of sociological and psychological science concerning the LGBTQ community in general and non-gender conforming people specifically.

And because we like to perform public service here at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men, I am going to helpfully provide translations of their signs and chants. You're welcome!

PROTESTER: The LGBTQ community is just like NAMBLA!
TRANSLATION: The gayz are icky.

PROTESTER: All the men who support this are gay!*
TRANSLATION: I cannot accept that human sexuality is a spectrum, and not a binary categorization. I can't accept this because the idea of a spectrum makes me uncomfortable with my own sexuality, and I'm a manly, man's man, and I can't have that.

PROTESTER: This is sexual exploitation!
TRANSLATION: This sort of self expression makes me very uncomfortable. You can tell that's how I feel because I never show up for beauty contests for little, little kids, just this.

PROTESTER: This is child abuse!
TRANSLATION: It never occurs to me that teaching my own kids to hate others for no reason is far more abusive than allowing free self-expression.

PROTESTER: You're not welcome here!
TRANSLATION: You're ignoring my CIS, male, white privilege and doing what you want rather than doing what I want you to do. Simultaneously, I am ignoring that I am outnumbered at this event ten to one.

PROTESTER: You're infringing on my rights!
TRANSLATION: Those would be my rights to force people into the roles and places I find acceptable. Everyone knows freedom and the First Amendment are only for CIS, white, males.

PROTESTER: You're only here because seeing boys dressed as women is how you get your rocks off!
TRANSLATION: I'm very uncomfortable with modern sexuality, so I don't understand how normal sexual expression and actual criminal behavior are different. Also, I probably have a tiny penis.

PROTESTER: Perverts!
TRANSLATION: My definition of "normal" is very narrow and only includes my own, provincial experience.

There was only one protester there (who arrived late) who I considered to be anything other than the last, pathetic gasp of toxic masculinity. This guy just SHOUTED white nationalist/white supremacist/Neo-nazi, and made sure his demeanor was as threatening as possible. The Smart Man noticed the Denver Police (who had two officers there to ensure things didn't get out of control) were watching him pretty closely. I noticed that the loudest of the protestors knew Nazi-boy personally, and kept telling him how very glad he was to see him. I suspect the overlap between white supremacists and anti-LGBTQ protesters is non-trivial, but I have no data to back that up, so take it for what it's worth - a private opinion I pulled out of my ass.

Our next event is Drag for All Ages at Mile High Comics. This one's a recurring event, and longtime members of the Parasol Patrol told us Sunday that the vitriol, nastiness, and vulgarity at this event is even worse. So of course we'll be there.

I guess nothing says I'm a righteous man like spouting hateful language at minor children. So, so ridiculous. History will not judge them kindly, and neither will I.
________

*The Smart Man noted later that this particular taunt really hurt his feelings. So, so much. 🙄 How insecure in their own identities are these knuckleheads that they think calling someone "gay" is a deadly insult? RIDICULOUS.

2 comments:

Ruthie said...

I love your perfect translations! The protesters haven’t been inside to see what really goes on so their comments are a reflection of their own evil thoughts and imagination.
I have to give a shoutout to the 2 police officers- they handled themselves very professionally in keeping everyone safe.

mom in northern said...

More sighing going on here...I seem to be doing a LOT of it lately.