A Few Thoughts on Family

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

1. The social dynamics of "family" are a strange, strange thing.

2. We can't choose our family. For some people this is a blessing, for others a curse. I, like most of us, sit somewhere in the middle.

3. But I can choose my family of the heart. I adore my two Sistahs from another Mister, and they adore me (and each other). Sharing deep friendship with these two women is one of the great joys and blessings of my life.

4. Character and kindness matter, especially if you're family. These are relationships that can last our entire lives, but if you choose to be a manipulative, cruel, petty douche, they're not likely to do so.

5. Each of us has the right to determine where duty ends when it comes to family. Sometimes people are worthy of both our love and our duty. Sometimes people aren't worthy of our love, but we choose duty for our own reasons. Sometimes people aren't worthy of our love or our duty. Deciding where people belong in that spectrum is a very personal and difficult choice, and we all have the right to make it based on our own circumstances. But I don't believe that you can claim to have love but not duty. For me, duty is one of the expressions of love, and an automatic ride-along when you actually love someone.

6. Some of the very best aspects of my life are because of family. And some of the very worst aspects of my life are also because of family. Managing this dichotomy is hard for me.

7. When Moe died, I quickly confirmed acts, not words, are what define my family. Never in my life have I needed a support system more than the year after Moe died, and there were folks, blood family and family of my heart, who stepped up. I owe these people my sanity and any life I might make for myself following Moe's death, and I won't forget it.

8. I don't have to tolerate intolerable behavior just because someone's "family."

9. I very rarely discuss politics with family. No good ever came of it.

10. Sometimes members of the family are going to choose to partner with someone who is wildly inappropriate for a variety of reasons. There's not a lot to be done about this - people have agency whether I agree with their decisions, or not. But I keep thought #8 in mind, just the same.

What are your thoughts about family?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Family. Ugh.

I adore much of my family but other parts of my family? I sometimes feel like I'm dancing around subjects and not saying what I think and feel because I don't want to hurt/upset people--and because I don't want to lose access/contact to the small people involved.

FREX, my niece hasn't attended two family events, most likely because my SiL is pissed at my mother for something that happened in June.

I also know that my aunt and grandmother often bit their tongues when it came to my own mother's treatment of me, again for fear of repercussions.

So I can't say anything to my SiL for fear getting to see my niece even LESS than I already do, and I bite my tongue around my mother, because she'll just make my dad miserable.

Thank dog for anxiety meds is what this sums up to.

Janiece said...

Family, ugh, indeed.