I have a conundrum.
As recently noted by the observant Megan (a psychologist by training), I have a family member who is currently enjoying free rent in my mind. No, I don't care for this turn of events. No, I don't know what to do about it. Yes, I'd really like to resolve this situation and regain some mental peace.
Here's the deal. In the last year, I came to the conclusion that the best course of action for me was to make a break from a close member of my family. I have no doubt that this decision was appropriate and correct, nor do I doubt that the situation is permanent. When the single greatest characteristic a person displays in the context of relationships in an overwhelming selfishness, it seems unlikely that reconciliation is possible. Even if I had the capacity to invite her back into my life, the fact of the matter is that others' pain simply isn't a consideration in her behavior, and never has been.
So I made the decision, and I've accepted it. And yet -I can't let it go. Obviously.
Drama-Me* has middle-of-the-night conversations with Adult-Me, basically consisting of "She better hope she never needs a kidney!" Adult-Me would really like Drama-Me* to just shut the fuck up and let it go - it's over, there's nothing to be done, and dwelling on the situation serves no one.
But I don't. Because, quite frankly, Drama-Me* is simply enraged.
I realize intellectually how very unproductive my anger is. It hurts no one but myself, and I've been working on letting it go for some time. I've read a couple of books on the subject, but I have to admit they didn't really suit me. Most of them posit that "God forgives you, so you should forgive whoever hurt you! Now let go of your anger, let's hold hands and skip through the daisies, lalala!" Yeah, not very helpful for a materialistic Atheist. In fact, it makes me want to heave, in spite of my hard-won knowledge that the way to peace is through forgiveness.
I know that this family member is simply a fundamentally broken human being. I've spent my entire life learning that lesson. Purging her from my life is the best thing for everyone, including her. But there's a part of me (Drama-Me, did I mention how I hate her?) that wants the family member in question to pay for a lifetime of selfishness and misdeeds. I know it's not my place to wish ill on someone else. I know what's right and moral in this situation. I know what's best for me and my mental health. I know my quality of life will improve once I achieve some emotional resolution. And yet, here I am. Still worrying the issues, unable to get past my anger, my grief, my sense of betrayal.
To be fair, I have been making progress. Those middle-of-the-night conversations with Drama-Me* are far shorter now than they were a year ago. I don't think about it every day unless something reminds me of it. But I still have significant work to do. Part of the work I'm carrying out here at HCDSM through my cryptic (and not so cryptic) writing. Most of the work will take place between my ears.
Eventually, I will execute an eviction.
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*I hate that bitch. Really - Drama-Me's values are completely fucked up.
Boogie Blogging Friday - Dumbass Edition
It wasn't my fault! |
So I was walking the Boogie-Dog yesterday, and I noticed some broken glass on the sidewalk. Before I could pull him up, he got a piece in his mouth and started to chew.
This is not the smartest dog on the planet.
Luckily I was right there, so I grabbed his lower jaw, shoved my hand in his mouth and started rooting around for the glass. Eventually we got it out, but not before he had cut his tongue and gums with his shenanigans.
It's a good thing he's sweet. Dumbass.
Enter...The Pergola
So I was having a conversation with long-time pal and Sista From Another Mista The Mechanicky Gal the other day, and I swear, our lives are just one big example of entropy in action.
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The Mechanicky Gal: How's it going? We may be leaving the country for a year, but it's all good, because we'll be in the Middle East making a ton of money.
Me: Huh?
TMG: Yes, we'd be working in Bahrain, but we don't know if it's on or off. You know how it goes.
Me: Actually, I don't. It takes an enormous amount of work to have a life as boring as ours. You have to cultivate it.
TMG: So things are boring there?
Me: Not really. House guests coming and going, I may stab someone at work with a fork, we're dealing with young adult drama, and I need to make a real effort to give my mind a thorough housecleaning on this family shit once and for all. But that doesn't mean we don't try.
TMG: Understood. Drama-Me is always trying to shove her nose into my adult business.
Me: I KNOW. I hate that bitch.
TMG: So in other news, I tried to kill The Mechanicky Guy on Saturday.
Me: Wait...what?
TMG: We've been building a pergola over the patio in the back yard, and on Saturday I dropped a beam on his head. I damn near knocked him out.
Me: Dude. You don't spend 25 years looking for the perfect companion and then bean him in the noggin with pergola parts. I LOVE The Mechanicky Guy - please don't kill him.
TMG: I KNOW. I SWEAR I broke his arm. As it was, it was just his thumb, and since he's taking muscle relaxers for his neck anyway, it may be that I didn't break it after all. I thought I could just lift it just a SMIDGEN and get the shims under it. Did I mention that it was 18 FEET long and 2" x 6"? Oh yeah, I'm not dropping KINDLING on my beloved's head, no way, only THE BEST.
Me: Poor Mechanicky Guy. I can't believe he puts up with us. On the bright side, I shall use this as a shining example of how the Smart Man should just COUNT HIS BLESSINGS, DAMNIT. At least I'm not trying to kill him with lumber.
TMG: True dat.
Me: I think you should decorate the new pergola with a Beyoncé Metal Chicken. THE MECHANICKY GUY WILL LOVE IT.
::cue crickets::
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I love my friends.
_____________
The Mechanicky Gal: How's it going? We may be leaving the country for a year, but it's all good, because we'll be in the Middle East making a ton of money.
Me: Huh?
TMG: Yes, we'd be working in Bahrain, but we don't know if it's on or off. You know how it goes.
Me: Actually, I don't. It takes an enormous amount of work to have a life as boring as ours. You have to cultivate it.
TMG: So things are boring there?
Me: Not really. House guests coming and going, I may stab someone at work with a fork, we're dealing with young adult drama, and I need to make a real effort to give my mind a thorough housecleaning on this family shit once and for all. But that doesn't mean we don't try.
TMG: Understood. Drama-Me is always trying to shove her nose into my adult business.
Me: I KNOW. I hate that bitch.
TMG: So in other news, I tried to kill The Mechanicky Guy on Saturday.
Me: Wait...what?
THE KILLER PERGOLA |
Me: Dude. You don't spend 25 years looking for the perfect companion and then bean him in the noggin with pergola parts. I LOVE The Mechanicky Guy - please don't kill him.
TMG: I KNOW. I SWEAR I broke his arm. As it was, it was just his thumb, and since he's taking muscle relaxers for his neck anyway, it may be that I didn't break it after all. I thought I could just lift it just a SMIDGEN and get the shims under it. Did I mention that it was 18 FEET long and 2" x 6"? Oh yeah, I'm not dropping KINDLING on my beloved's head, no way, only THE BEST.
Me: Poor Mechanicky Guy. I can't believe he puts up with us. On the bright side, I shall use this as a shining example of how the Smart Man should just COUNT HIS BLESSINGS, DAMNIT. At least I'm not trying to kill him with lumber.
TMG: True dat.
Me: I think you should decorate the new pergola with a Beyoncé Metal Chicken. THE MECHANICKY GUY WILL LOVE IT.
::cue crickets::
______________
I love my friends.
What I Owe
Relationships are hard. Sometimes, relationships are really hard. But unless you're finding a cure for cancer or saving the world from mad men,* they're the most important thing about being human.
So being who I am, I spend a significant amount of time trying to determine what I owe those people in my life with whom I have a relationship. Because OBVIOUSLY I can't just wing it. That's just CRAZY TALK.
And the more I think about it, the more complex the answer becomes. Do I owe someone something simply by virtue of blood? How much blood is required before the obligation kicks in? Do I owe more to my "family by choice," because I accepted the obligation freely? And what do you do about obligations to family members who turn out to be reprobates? My answers to these questions have changed as I've gotten older, and I suspect they'll continue to change.
I used to think that my obligation to my blood relatives was inviolate, but I got over that. That obligation is not inviolate. There are any number of things that would lead me to a decision to kick a family member to the relationship curb, and walk away with no regrets. If I'm related to people who are racists, who hold others in contempt simply by virtue of an accident of birth, who treat others badly as a matter of principle - and I am - then I can't see that I owe them anything at all. The most they deserve is a kick in the ass as they shut the door behind them. I've had to make that decision, and I can't say that I've regretted it. If you're a reprobate, you do not deserve my obligation, and I will not feel guilty about withholding it. The only exception to this is the obligation that I feel I owe to my children. They're always going to be my children, no matter what.
I used to think that relationships with blood relatives rather than friends was the cornerstone of my relationship matrix, and I got over that, too. While I have deep, meaningful, and long-term relationships with people to whom I'm related, I also have deep, meaningful, and long-term relationships with people I've met through serendipity, or chance, or mutual interests. I now realize that there's no special value to the blood relation based relationships compared to the family-by-choice relationships. A longer history may offer deeper roots with my relatives, but common interest, emotional support, and love often offers deeper commitment with my friends.
Now, in my midlife, I have come to the conclusion that my obligations to those with whom I choose to have a relationship are completely and utterly voluntary. And for me, they're at least partially dependent on whether or not the people I choose are willing partners in that relationship, whether or not they behave with kindness, with understanding, with compassion. And I accept the responsibility that I have the same obligation to them.
__________
*Not mutually exclusive.
So being who I am, I spend a significant amount of time trying to determine what I owe those people in my life with whom I have a relationship. Because OBVIOUSLY I can't just wing it. That's just CRAZY TALK.
And the more I think about it, the more complex the answer becomes. Do I owe someone something simply by virtue of blood? How much blood is required before the obligation kicks in? Do I owe more to my "family by choice," because I accepted the obligation freely? And what do you do about obligations to family members who turn out to be reprobates? My answers to these questions have changed as I've gotten older, and I suspect they'll continue to change.
I used to think that my obligation to my blood relatives was inviolate, but I got over that. That obligation is not inviolate. There are any number of things that would lead me to a decision to kick a family member to the relationship curb, and walk away with no regrets. If I'm related to people who are racists, who hold others in contempt simply by virtue of an accident of birth, who treat others badly as a matter of principle - and I am - then I can't see that I owe them anything at all. The most they deserve is a kick in the ass as they shut the door behind them. I've had to make that decision, and I can't say that I've regretted it. If you're a reprobate, you do not deserve my obligation, and I will not feel guilty about withholding it. The only exception to this is the obligation that I feel I owe to my children. They're always going to be my children, no matter what.
I used to think that relationships with blood relatives rather than friends was the cornerstone of my relationship matrix, and I got over that, too. While I have deep, meaningful, and long-term relationships with people to whom I'm related, I also have deep, meaningful, and long-term relationships with people I've met through serendipity, or chance, or mutual interests. I now realize that there's no special value to the blood relation based relationships compared to the family-by-choice relationships. A longer history may offer deeper roots with my relatives, but common interest, emotional support, and love often offers deeper commitment with my friends.
Now, in my midlife, I have come to the conclusion that my obligations to those with whom I choose to have a relationship are completely and utterly voluntary. And for me, they're at least partially dependent on whether or not the people I choose are willing partners in that relationship, whether or not they behave with kindness, with understanding, with compassion. And I accept the responsibility that I have the same obligation to them.
__________
*Not mutually exclusive.
Free Shit Friday Winner...
...of the Tiny Coach Bag is JstPam, with a random number of 1. Please send me your address, and I'll mail that off whenever I damn well feel like it. Enjoy!
Free Shit Friday - Tiny Coach Bag
Today's Free Shit Friday give-away is a tiny Coach bag. It's 8" wide, 6" tall, and about 2" deep. In other words, FAR TOO TINY FOR ME.
da Rules.
Phone Spam - a PSA
The following is true story, because I swear I can't make this shit up.
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*ring ring*
Me: Hullo?
Heavily Accented Male Voice: Hello?
Me: Yes, hello?
HAMV: Yes, this is Tim Humanastanislaw.
Me: Yes, what can I do for you?
HAMV: I'm from Microsoft Technical Support.
Me: Really.
HAMV: Yes. Microsoft Technical Support.
Me: Well, what can I do for you? Because I can assure you that you're not returning my call.
HAMV: Um, yes. I'm calling because a computer in your home is sending error messages to our technical support center saying it's INFECTED.
Me: HAHAHA!
HAMV: Every day. We get messages every day. Saying it's INFECTED.
Me: HAHAHA! I'll be sure and tell our in-house IT Support Technician. ::snort::
*click*
___________
The moral of this PSA: Don't be a Pakled. Learn a little something about the technology that you use on a regular basis, so that you won't be victimized by reprehensible tools looking to take advantage of your ignorance. Seriously.
____________
*ring ring*
Me: Hullo?
Heavily Accented Male Voice: Hello?
Me: Yes, hello?
HAMV: Yes, this is Tim Humanastanislaw.
Me: Yes, what can I do for you?
HAMV: I'm from Microsoft Technical Support.
Me: Really.
HAMV: Yes. Microsoft Technical Support.
Me: Well, what can I do for you? Because I can assure you that you're not returning my call.
HAMV: Um, yes. I'm calling because a computer in your home is sending error messages to our technical support center saying it's INFECTED.
Me: HAHAHA!
HAMV: Every day. We get messages every day. Saying it's INFECTED.
Me: HAHAHA! I'll be sure and tell our in-house IT Support Technician. ::snort::
*click*
___________
The moral of this PSA: Don't be a Pakled. Learn a little something about the technology that you use on a regular basis, so that you won't be victimized by reprehensible tools looking to take advantage of your ignorance. Seriously.
Busy human (and another snake!)
I'm trying to catch up at work today after a multi-day absence, so you can just IMAGINE what things are like here.
So instead of original, scintillating content, have a photograph of the highly poisonous Eastern Green Mamba, currently on display at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science's "Lizards and Snakes" exhibit. If you live in the Denver area and have little people in your life, this exhibit is for you.
So instead of original, scintillating content, have a photograph of the highly poisonous Eastern Green Mamba, currently on display at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science's "Lizards and Snakes" exhibit. If you live in the Denver area and have little people in your life, this exhibit is for you.
They're HERE!
Posted by
Janiece
at
8:00 AM
Michelle and Michael are here! Michelle and Michael are here! Michelle and Michael are here!
So it's likely to be a slow week, kids.
So it's likely to be a slow week, kids.
Heritage
This weekend the Smart Man and me went to the far Northwest corner of Colorado to visit with my awesome Auntie and Uncle. My family has lived and worked for generations in that part of the country, so although my branch of the family became city slickers starting with my Hot Mom, it's still nice to go there and get a taste of my heritage. Plus I got to see my Fabulous Great Aunt Margie, so it was win-win-win!
Free Shit Friday - Triple Berry Jam
Today's Free Shit Friday giveaway is a pint of Triple Berry jam. Please note that I'm going to be a busy, busy human for the next couple of weeks. Nothing untoward or even very exciting (except to me) - simply visiting with family and friends and managing my life.
That means that whoever wins is likely going to have to wait for me to get the damn thing in the mail.
Da rules.
The Fibonacci Scarf
By popular demand, here is the Fibonacci scarf. I went up the sequence to "21," then came back down in complete rows. Now to find time to get it in the mail...
Detritus*
I've been thinking about trolls lately. Not surprising, after our weekend troll fest here at HCDSM, but there are some things I just don't get.
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*The title of this blog post is a pun that maketh me to giggle, inspired by the amazing RANDOM MICHELLE.
- Why do these people give a good goddamn what I think? Seriously - why would anyone waste their time arguing with complete strangers? I don't have a particularly large readership. I have 97 followers on Google Connect. There are 113 people subscribed to HCDSM via Google reader. And I get about 150-200 unique visitors a day. When you eliminate the folks searching for the pr0n and the drive-by readers, I'd estimate there's about 150 people who read this space on a regular basis. So it's not like this is HuffPo or Yahoo or whatever. So what drives these people to come here? Perhaps it's simply a case of "Someone is WRONG on the Internet," but I just don't get the appeal. I don't scour the web looking for people who think women (or progressives, or Navy vets, or engineers) are full of shit and argue with them for fun. How is this an interesting or rewarding activity?
- Do trolls really think that being rude, condescending, and pompous will make the author (or anyone) change their mind?
- As a corollary to the first point, what makes trolls think I give a good goddamn what they think? While I enjoy a lively exchange of ideas, and I've learned some interesting things from drive-by commenters, the fact of the matter is that trolls do not engage in a way that makes me want to learn from them. Whatever wheat they may have is lost in the chaff, and really - I couldn't care less about their opinions. What makes them believe that I do?
___________________
*The title of this blog post is a pun that maketh me to giggle, inspired by the amazing RANDOM MICHELLE.
A Few Miscellaneous Things
1. I have turned on comment moderation here at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men for posts older than seven days. This was a possible solution suggested by my friend Jim (who gets far more trolls than I) in response to a weekend troll fest.
Here's the thing. Time is the only thing I can't get any more of, and as a result, it's very precious to me. So regardless of what certain entitled strangers may think, it's perfectly acceptable for me to decide how to spend it, and I refuse to squander this precious resource responding to accusations of racism, bullying or laundry lists of economic theory from complete strangers whose views I don't respect. So from now on, if you want to comment on an older post and I know you, or I don't know you and you're polite, your comment will be released as soon as I see it. If you're an Internet Troll, then it's likely that I won't. This is because I don't feel like I owe Trolls the same time and attention that I owe to people who have either made an effort to be part of the HCDSM community, or at least made an effort to be polite. Alternatively, feel free to assume it's because I'm a HATEFUL BULLY. Your choice.
In other news, I hate the First Amendment! I know, but that's just how I roll.
2. My right knee is starting to get twitchy, especially when I'm climbing stairs or on the Arc Trainer. This does not Make Me Happy, as it may negatively impact my ability to achieve my goals.
3. Related to item 1, I have a new commenting policy here at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men, to wit:
4. I love the fact that I'm making significant progress towards my fitness and body composition goals. But I have to admit I'm getting a little tired of wearing a new item of clothing only once before it becomes too big and I have to give it away. Perhaps I need to adopt a more "just in time" strategy as it relates to clothes shopping.
5. Inspired by the Incomparable Anne™, I am currently knitting a scarf for a friend based on the Fibonacci sequence. Because apparently I'm a complete dork.
Here's the thing. Time is the only thing I can't get any more of, and as a result, it's very precious to me. So regardless of what certain entitled strangers may think, it's perfectly acceptable for me to decide how to spend it, and I refuse to squander this precious resource responding to accusations of racism, bullying or laundry lists of economic theory from complete strangers whose views I don't respect. So from now on, if you want to comment on an older post and I know you, or I don't know you and you're polite, your comment will be released as soon as I see it. If you're an Internet Troll, then it's likely that I won't. This is because I don't feel like I owe Trolls the same time and attention that I owe to people who have either made an effort to be part of the HCDSM community, or at least made an effort to be polite. Alternatively, feel free to assume it's because I'm a HATEFUL BULLY. Your choice.
In other news, I hate the First Amendment! I know, but that's just how I roll.
2. My right knee is starting to get twitchy, especially when I'm climbing stairs or on the Arc Trainer. This does not Make Me Happy, as it may negatively impact my ability to achieve my goals.
3. Related to item 1, I have a new commenting policy here at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men, to wit:
I also love it when my readers comment, but please - don't be a jerk about it. This is my on-line home, and I expect people to behave here in the same way they would if they were visiting the Big Yellow House. That means that if you attack me or one of my guests using anti-feminist, anti-LGBT, or racist language, you will be banned immediately and without recourse. I don't give a shit about cursing, differences of opinion, or what you think about me personally, but I won't allow bigotry in my home, on-line or otherwise. If you don't like it, you're welcome to buy your own URL, start a blog, and fill it with all the prejudicial language you want. I understand "www.bigotedasshat.com" is available.This is a direct response to one of the aforementioned trolls who decided the very best way he could change my mind and prove me wrong was to call me a "cunt." To no one's surprise who actually knows me, he got an immediate smack with the Shovel of Doom™ and a permanent ban. He then responded by a) calling me a hypocrite because I encourage foul language; b) calling me a "cunt" once again; and c) ended his witty repartee by calling me a "girl." When I explained that he was banned not because of his opinions or thoughts about me or my ideas but because he chose to use misogynistic language, he then informed me that "Calling someone a cunt isn't sexism, you stupid bitch!" At that point my brain just broke, and I decided to disengage from the entire thread. What is it about Reddit that attracts such clueless misogynists?
4. I love the fact that I'm making significant progress towards my fitness and body composition goals. But I have to admit I'm getting a little tired of wearing a new item of clothing only once before it becomes too big and I have to give it away. Perhaps I need to adopt a more "just in time" strategy as it relates to clothes shopping.
5. Inspired by the Incomparable Anne™, I am currently knitting a scarf for a friend based on the Fibonacci sequence. Because apparently I'm a complete dork.
Free Shit Friday Winner...
...of the Blackberry Jam is Megan, with a random number of 15.
Let me know if you want it sent to your home or to the cabin, and enjoy!
Let me know if you want it sent to your home or to the cabin, and enjoy!
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