Early Morning Conversations

Thursday, December 27, 2018

Brain: Wake up! Wake up!

Me: What?

Brain: Wake up! We have Very Important Things to think about tonight.

Me: What time is it?

Brain: 3:30 a.m. Time to get busy!

Me: Fuck off.

Brain: No can do. Do you remember that time when an adult screwed you over for reasons that had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their own ego?

Me: Yes. Fuck off.

Brain: Can't do that - we need to think about that 35-year-old incident.

Me: Why?

Brain: Because it's VERY IMPORTANT.

Me: It's really not. While it was painful at the time, I think I can safely assert that I'm over it. It hasn't prevented me from professional success, it hasn't affected how I choose to manage my relationships, and it has no bearing whatsoever on my current life. Why don't we let it go?

Brain: Crazy talk. Let's think about it some more.

Me: Let's not.

Brain: Okay, then let's think about the fact that you don't have pants, shirts or shoes for the two conferences you have in February.

Me: Why? I have a plan to buy what I need.

Brain: But will you be able to FIND what you need? I'm sure you won't.

Me: I'm sure I will. I have six weeks to get the job done. 

Brain: But you don't KNOW that.

Me: Shut the fuck up, will you? I have to work this morning.

Brain: Speaking of work, let's think about some upcoming tasks you're assigned that I'm sure you won't be able to complete to anyone's satisfaction.

Me: I hate you.

Brain: I know.

Makeup tips for women over 50, or how time is marching over my face

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

When I was a younger woman, I didn't take very good care of my skin. Since I was a Whitey McWhiterson living in the tropics and smoked for many years, this has resulted in time marching across my face. Go, me.

So over the last several months, I've spent considerable time and hundreds of dollars trying to decide what I want to do in terms of skin care and makeup for my over 50 skin. This is definitely a first world problem, and it irks me because my beauty regimen has never been complex. Now the carefree days of my youth are over, and I have discovered some truisms and tips that I'm ready to share with the world.

1. When you're young, you think you need a bunch of makeup to look beautiful. You're wrong. I need a bunch of makeup to look beautiful. You need makeup to accentuate your best features or to achieve a more dramatic look. Compare and contrast:

So very DRAMATIC. I think I was 20 in this picture,
and routinely spent about 10 minutes a day (if that)
on skin and makeup.
This required more of an effort. A lot more.
It was taken at this year's Library Foundation Fall
Gala and I can assure you it took a lot longer than 10 minutes.


The interesting thing about makeup as I grow older is that I use a lot more of it, but it looks like I wear less. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, y'all.

2. Living in a dry climate (hello, Colorado winters!) makes most people's skin pretty dry. It makes my skin look like I've been rolling around in ash all day.  I'm now at the point with my skin that in order not to shed a trail of dead skin behind me like I'm lost and need milestones to find my way back to civilization, I literally have to slather my body and face in oil. OIL, FFS. The Maracuja oil for my face is almost $50.00 a bottle, but luckily the body oil is pretty inexpensive because it's intended for pregnant women's bellies. ::insert eyeroll here::

3. When I was younger, I never wore foundation. I didn't need it as I didn't suffer from acne once I was no longer a teenager, and was genetically blessed with good skin. Not so today. Now I have rosacea red, coupled with discoloration due to skin damage (hello, tropics!)*. I used to use a powder, but that settles in my wrinkles and looks gross, plus it exacerbates my dry skin. Then I tried to use a liquid foundation, and it made my middle-age rosacea worse. Then I tried CC Cream on my cousin's recommendation, and it looked weirdly unnatural. I've finally settled on Dr. Jart+ BB Cream. Apparently BB Cream is recommended for women over 50 rather than other foundations, a fact I didn't know until after I'd spent what I consider to be significant coin on other products.

4. I now have dark circles under the wrinkles under the bags under my eyes. What a delight! This necessitates a concealer so I don't look like the town drunk after a three day bender. I use tarte CC undereye corrector, which makes things a bit better, but I don't want to use anything heavier. Otherwise I feel like I'm wearing circus makeup, and no one wants to see that.

5. Let's talk about brushes, shall we? I recently spent $86 on a full set of makeup brushes, a $200 value! (And these weren't even fancy-shmancy brushes - they're the Sephora house brand.) Apparently these tools are MUST HAVES for the competent woman, which just proves what I've always suspected - I am NOT a competent woman, at least in terms of Western beauty standards. I've watched many makeup tutorials to figure out which brush goes with which task, and the set I bought helpfully has the brush function stamped on the brush handle. I appreciate this, even though it makes me feel like a toothless Okie using makeup for the first time. 

6. Also? All this crap takes up a lot of room. Here are my before and after makeup bags from the start of this experiment to today. That's a lot of crap. I think I need to clean out the bathroom to make room for my new part-time job: Skin care and over-50 makeup.

7. Lip color is the bane of my beauty existence, I swear. Remember that whole "I smoked for many years" thing? Yeah. The result is fine lines around my lips which are accentuated when my lip color helpfully bleeds into them and I end up looking like Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. So attractive! This issue has been a tough nut to crack. Lip paint looks better than any lipstick, but neither one is ideal, even with lip liner. Right now I'm using a pale pink lip gloss. 

8. I'm considering a number of cosmetic procedures to help me on my middle-age beauty journey. I already get Botox and injectables (better living through poisonous biologics and chemistry!). Now permanent lip color is high on the list. Nothing dramatic, no filler, etc., just a little color so I can use lip gloss only on a daily basis and not have my lips disappear into my skin or make me look like the Mouth of Sauron.

I'm also considering microblading on my brows. This is a fairly common procedure, and since I over plucked as a young woman, I could use a little help in this department.  
And then of course there's the lower facelift. Because SCIENCE, BITCHES. That one's a few years off, though.

The Smart Man has no input on any of this - it's my body, my face, my skin, etc., and other than having a keen interest in my health, he believes that all these choices are mine to make, without his opinion being a factor. (NOTE: We love this about him.) I've chosen to do this work and bear this expense because while I recognize I'm being influenced by an unrealistic, misogynistic Western beauty standard, I feel better about the way I look when I'm making an effort. But I'm discovering that growing old gracefully is a lot of damn work.

__________

*Mechanicky Gal tried to warn me about this many years ago, and I started to use an Aveeno product with SPF 30 on her advice, but alack and alas, the damage was already done.

From the Wide, Wide World of Logical Fallcies

Friday, November 23, 2018



When you assume a fringe element of a community of thought is representative of all elements of the community, you are guilty of the Hasty Generalization Fallacy.

Remember, kids, Nazis are to conservatives what Antifa is to liberals. And it's probably a-okay to punch either of them in the face.

Link Me Up, Scotty - And then fly me away from here

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

From the "the older I get the more I realize how much I don't know" files: Psychology Today reports the Dunning-Kruger effect may help explain Trump's support. It's worth noting that this phenomena is not limited to conservatives. Ignorant liberals are just as likely to believe they're the cat's pyjamas in lieu of alternative evidence. It's also worth noting that this phenomena strikes the less educated more often than the highly educated, and is thus more common among 45 supporters.

H/T Debbie the Librarian
________

As most of the geek-iverse is aware, Stan Lee shuffled off this mortal coil yesterday. He will be wildly missed by those who came of age with his art at their side, and also by those of us who began enjoying his imagination later in life. He was 95, which constitutes a good, long life, and I was unsurprised by the announcement of his death. He lost his wife of 69 years last year, and such an emotional blow often leads to health issues. Fair winds and following seas, Stan Lee. Your legacy lives on.
________

When I started seeing memes on Facebook about 45's cancellation of his visit to the Aisne-Marne American cemetery due to rain, at first I thought it was a case of overreaction. Surely, I thought, even the Asshat in Chief wouldn't be so crass as to skip this event on such an important anniversary.

Of course I was wrong - he is that crass and that soft. Apparently it's just too much to ask for him to be driven to an event in a limousine rather than riding there in Marine One. Disgraceful.
________

The rumor mill has Hillary Clinton running for President again in 2020. I'm not sure how I feel about this, other than to comment that I'd really like to see younger candidates on my ballot in 2020. I'm at a point where I'd like my choices to be something other than people over 70.

Disclaimer: No offense meant to those over 70. After all, my favorite government official is over 80. I just want candidates who have more flexible minds, and are able to offer fresh insight into our problems.
________

Speaking of the Notorious RBG, she's out of the hospital and already back to work. Because of course she is. Holy guacamole, that woman is a badass.
________

Apparently the NRA stuck their foot in it again when they tried to tell doctors to "stay in their lane' when they published a study regarding gun violence. Doctors responded ferociously.  Forensic pathologist and author Judy Melinek provided my favorite tweet: "Do you have any idea how many bullets I pull our of corpses weekly? This isn't just my lane. It's my fucking highway."

Bonus foot-in-mouth disease: The NRA tweeted their ignorance just hours before the tragic Thousand Oaks shooting.
________

Let's do a little Video of the Week and end on a positive note: Here's Black Violin performing their single "Stereotypes."


I am a Veteran

Sunday, November 11, 2018

I am a veteran, a veteran's wife, a veteran's mother, a veteran's daughter, a veteran's granddaughter.

I've been in harm's way, and watched while those I loved were in harm's way.

I've served on land, and on sea, in the United States, and abroad.

I've worked to keep the sea lanes open around the world, and instructed the next generation of warrior sailors.

I've slept on the ground, in Navy ships, in barracks, and on cots.

I've seen regard for the military ebb and flow, depending on the politics of the moment. I've seen my brothers and sisters in arms used for political capital at the hands of the dishonorable, and I've seen the Armed Forces receive the highest level of respect from the population we protect.  
And never, for one minute, have I regretted my service. It was my privilege to come of age in the warrior culture, and to serve alongside my brothers and sisters in arms. 

So today I salute my fellow veterans, my fellow sailors, my fellow warriors. Thank you for your service, and for serving with me.

Today

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Today, we exercise our franchise by partaking in our Republic's democratic process.

Today, we perform our duty as citizens of our country, regardless of our political preferences or positions.

Today, we honor those who have fought for this freedom, by doing our research, and voting responsibly and in accordance with our values. 

Today, we help determine the course of our country, for good or for ill. 

Today, we determine the fate of many of our fellow Americans, and those who do not yet have the privilege of helping to choose our nation's path.
 
Today, we make a statement about our character, and the character of our nation, which is a reflection of the women and men we choose to lead us.
 
Today, we take responsibility for our country and our leaders, because our leadership is a reflection of us, and what we believe. 

Today, we vote. Let us do so wisely.

Colorado Amendment 73 - We don't need no education

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Colorado Amendment 73 is entitled "Funding for Public Schools." This Amendment would enact a change to the Colorado Constitution, and so requires a "yes" vote of 55% to pass. According to the Secretary of State's office, it was placed on the ballot by citizen petition.

The gist of this Amendment is desire to increase funding for public schools by raising the individual income tax rate for filers who make more than $150,000 a year, increasing the corporate income tax rate, and increasing property tax on residential properties.

The following groups are in favor of this Amendment:
The following groups are opposed to this Amendment:
Based on my research, it appears that this Amendment is split along party lines (shocking, I know). The Think of the Children liberals want this to pass. The no-tax, voucher-loving conservatives do not.

This makes perfect sense to me. Teachers, people who live in areas where schools are underfunded, and bleeding heart liberals who think public education is the heart of American democracy want this to pass so there's more money funneling into public education state-wide. Their arguments boil down to the contention that people with more money should bear the brunt of fixing the situation.

Libertarians, "no new taxes" adherents, and school voucher supporters want this to fail so their taxes don't go up and so they can make a case for using public monies to pay for their kids' private educations. Their arguments boil down to taxes = bad, and the infamous "do more with less" trope.

So this is the quintessential conflict in values between the haves and the have-nots.

Here are some things to consider when making your decision on this issue:
  • Over half of Colorado School Districts are operating on a four day week because they can't afford a five day week. 
  • In the last eight years education funding has been cut by $7.2 billion. 
  • An increase in business, property, and income taxes may have a negative impact on Colorado's economy. 
  • The state legislature will not have the power to redirect money earmarked for education to other uses. 
So this is primarily a question of the redistribution of wealth to fund public education.

Colorado Propositions 109 and 110: I'm giving you the side-eye

Monday, October 22, 2018

Colorado Propositions 109 and 110 are entitled "Authorize Bonds for Highway Projects," and "Authorize Sales Tax and Bonds for Transportation Projects," respectively.

These are Amendments to the Colorado Constitution, and according to the Secretary of State's office, both Propositions were placed on the Ballot by citizen petition.

The gist of both Amendments is to address how to pay for highway and transportation needs in Colorado.

The following groups are in favor of Amendment 109:
  •  Fix Our Damn Roads (Their link keeps timing out, but TRACER reports their contributions are coming from Libertarian organizations)
  •  No On 110. Yes on 109 (I can't find a link to this organization, and TRACER reports they're delinquent in filing their required donation and expenditure report.)
The following groups are opposed to Amendment 109:
  • State Ballot Issue Committee (This appears to be a small anti-tax organization out of Colorado Springs. TRACER reports they're against everything but Amendment A and Amendment 74)
  • Coloradans For Coloradans (I can't find a link to this organization, but in the past, it appears the majority of their contributions have come from sources outside of Colorado. Additionally, TRACER reports contributors are companies and associations associated with the building industry.)
  • Win the Fourth Colorado Issue Committee
  • Coloradans for a Responsible Future (I can't find a link to this organization, but according to TRACER, their contributors are companies and associations associated with the building industry.)
The following groups are in favor of Amendment 110:
  • Coloradans For Coloradans (I can't find a link to this organization, but in the past, it appears the majority of their contributions have come from sources outside of Colorado. Additionally, TRACER reports contributors are companies and associations associated with the building industry.)
  • Coloradans for a Responsible Future (I can't find a link to this organization, but according to TRACER, their contributors are companies and associations associated with the building industry.)
The following groups are opposed to Amendment 110:
  • State Ballot Issue Committee (This appears to be a small anti-tax (libertarian?) organization out of Colorado Springs. TRACER reports they're against everything but Amendment A and Amendment 74)
  • No On 110. Yes on 109 (I can't find a link to this organization, and TRACER reports they're delinquent in filing their required donation and expenditure report.)
Here's the gist:

If Amendment 109 passes, the state could borrow $3.5 billion by selling transportation revenue bonds for highway projects. These would be repaid within 20 years, using existing state revenue sources.

If Amendment 110 passes, state officials would increase Colorado’s sales and use tax from 2.9 percent to 3.52 percent for 20 years in order to borrow up to $6 billion.

So the long and the short of it is:
  • If you want to fund transportation initiatives by borrowing money against bonds, vote "yes" on 109, and "no" on 110.
  • If you want to fund transportation initiatives by increasing the sales tax, vote "no" on 109, and "yes" on 110.
  • If you want a third solution, or you don't want any additional monies to be earmarked for transportation projects, vote "no" on 109, and "no" on 110.
  • If you want both solutions to be enacted, vote "yes" on 109, and "yes" on 110. 
Here are the points I considered when making my decision:
  • Proposition 109 borrows money; 110 raises taxes to obtain the money. 
  • The tax increase in Proposition 110 is a sales tax, which disproportionately affects the poor. 
  • Proposition 110 is using money for multi-modal (bicycles and mass transit) transportation, 109 is not. 
  • Proposition 109 money is designated to 66 specific highway projects, 110 is not.
Following the money was tougher on this one. I had to research each agent in Tracer and then look up the committee's contribution and expenditure reports. The fact that the committees apparently took pains to hide their involvement (except where forced into transparency by Colorado SoS rules) makes me side-eye the lot of them.
     
     

Colorado Amendments Y & Z: Looking for the other shoe

Friday, October 19, 2018

Colorado Amendments Y & Z are entitled "Congressional Redistricting" and "Legislative Redistricting," respectively. The purpose of these Amendments are basically the same, and so it most of the language, so I'm going to lump them together for the purposes of this edition of "Follow the Money."

These are Amendments to the Colorado Constitution, and according to the Secretary of State's office, both were unanimously referred to the voters by the state legislature.

The gist of both Amendments is to prevent gerrymandering in Colorado, and provide a more bipartisan process for redistricting after the census.

The following groups are in favor of the measure:
These groups have raised $4M to support the measure.

The following groups are opposed to the measure:
This group has not reported any moneys raised or spent, and (in my opinion) also seem a little fringe.

Note: "Follow the Money" values collected from the Colorado Secretary of State's TRACER system.  This system contains public disclosures for campaign finance in Colorado.

What happens today is that once the census data arrives from federal government, the state legislature attempts to put a legislative map together, drawing district lines for representation in the State House. If If they can't agree, or if someone's not satisfied, then a legal challenge is issued, and the court ends up drawing the lines. The legal challenge has occurred the last four times a census has been conducted. Both sides accuse the other of gerrymandering (and both are correct).

In the case of the Federal Congressional Districts, today an 11 member Colorado Reapportionment Commission is formed after the census. These individuals are appointed by the three branches of state government, with as many as six people from a single political party. Once they draw the maps and they hold public hearings, then send the map to the Colorado Supreme Court for approval.

The new system would involve replacing both of these processes with 2 new commissions. The Commissions would have 12 members, 4 from the state's largest political party, 4 from the state's second largest political party, and 4 people who are unaffiliated. (For your information, the "unaffiliated" are the largest group of registered voters in Colorado, including yours truly.) The appointment process is supposed to be bi-partisan, is somewhat convoluted, and relies in part on random chance.

Once the Commissions are formed, they put together new maps, hold public hearings, and then vote. The new maps must pass by a super-majority of 8 "yes" votes, with at least 2 unaffiliated commissioners voting yes. Then it goes to the Colorado Supreme Court for approval.

As near as I can tell, pretty much everyone endorses this legislation, on both sides of the aisle. The politicians want the Courts out of the redistricting business. Neither side trusts the other and sees risks in the current system, so want a more bipartisan effort.

I'm of two minds on this issue. On the one hand, I look at the legislation, and I say "Hurrah! Transparency in government!" On the other, I wonder why there's so much bipartisan support for this. Is the fix already in? What's the catch? My public servants have taught me to suspect skullduggery and shenanigans at all times, so I have trouble believing their sincerity. Imagine that.

Check this one over carefully, fellow voters. It's complicated, and requires some study to fully understand the proposed new process.

Colorado Proposition 112 - What fresh hell is this?

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

The most contentious legislative contest for the 2018 midterms here in Colorado is Proposition 112, entitled "Increased Setback Requirement for Oil and Natural Gas Development."

As is our custom here at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men, let's Follow The Money.

This is a proposition, which in Colorado means it was placed on the ballot though petition. A minimum number of signatories are required in order for the Secretary of State to place it on the ballot.

Based on the Colorado Secretary of State website, the following groups are in favor of this measure:
  • Colorado Rising for Health and Safety
  • Earthworks Action Fund Issue Committee
These groups have raised approximately $882K to support the measure.

Those opposed to the measure are:
  • Protecting Colorado's Environment, Economy, and Energy Independence (Protect Colorado)
  • State Ballot Issue Committee
  • Fix Our Damn Roads
  • Spirit of Colorado
  • Americans for Prosperity - Colorado Issue Committee (AFP-CO IC)
These groups have raised over $33M to oppose the measure.

Based on my research, most of the contributions for the "opposed" side of the house come directly from the energy business. Understandable - if this measure passes, the real estate available for oil and gas extraction will diminish significantly. This translates to less money for these companies (including the Koch Brothers and their lick-spittle PAC, AFP), Noble Energy, Ralsa Energy, and more, plus the small businesses that support these large companies).

The main contributors on the "in favor" side of the house come from granola crunching hippies, and by "granola crunching hippies," I mean "people who don't think water should be flammable."  Theirs is a grass roots initiative.

Most of the politicians who have taken a position on this measure are against it. Again, understandable, since no one wants to be the guy who's on the wrong side of the energy industry when it's time for reelection.

As with most political contests, the fear mongering, exaggeration, and downright liar, liar, pants on fire rhetoric is everywhere. Those opposed claim it will have serious and long-term economic repercussions. Those in favor say these claims are grossly exaggerated, and that fracking and other extraction technologies cause serious short and long-term health problems. I'm not going to recap the research here because I have a job, so you'll need to read the claims on your own to determine the actual facts. But here are some things to consider when forming your own opinion:
I've decided how to vote in this particular case based on my own research, analysis and values. Please...do the same.

Follow the Money

Monday, October 15, 2018

Many years ago, when I was just starting my journey of lifelong learning, I took a political science course from the local college.

My professor for this course was something of a cynic, and after all these years, I've remembered one thing she told us in that class: In a representative democracy, the only way to determine the winners and losers in a political contest is to follow the money.

So over the years, my practice has become to find out who the major donors are for each candidate, each amendment, each local law. Once that research is complete, then I have to ask the question: Of these donors, whose interests most closely align with my own? Whose interests most closely align with the good of the people, and the good of the union?

The reason for the first question should be obvious - it's important to know and understand how candidates and legislature will affect your daily and long-term interests. This question is usually easily answered, because it's centered entirely on a narcissistic view of the world. Legislation that costs me money is bad. Candidates who don't care about my well-being are bad. Plus there's the whole "company you keep" truism *cough*Trump Supporters*cough*.

The second question is more difficult, and I would argue, more important. MUCH more important, because it speaks to the long-term health and well-being of our nation. It speaks to the moral necessities each individual holds dear. It speaks to our maturity, both as individuals and as a nation, that we would take the larger picture into account when making our choices.

The clearest example of this that affects me directly is health care. I've never been without healthcare. My kids have never been without health care. I've been incredibly fortunate that my employers have always offered affordable choices in this area, and I've been able to take advantage of this good fortune to the benefit of me and my family.

But not everyone is so lucky. In 2017, 29.3 million people were uninsured. The ACA brought my premiums up, and further expansion of benefits (such as Medicare for all) will likely cost me additional monies, either in the form of premiums, or taxes, or both. But I feel I have a personal responsibility to help ensure everyone in our country has access to basic medical care. Will it benefit me personally? No. Does that matter to me? No. I believe it's the right thing to do, so I do it. Others feel differently, or have valid concerns about sustainability, or object for other reasons. We all have an obligation to vote our conscience, and that's where that second question comes in.

I'm perfectly aware that many people never get past the first question. You can even make an argument that our current political shit-show is a direct result of this pattern of voting by the Baby Boomers. But I think we should all make an effort to do better in this regard.

So I'm going to follow the money on the current Colorado Amendments, and I may post some of my findings in this space. Not the "Lower Age Requirements for Members of the State Legislature from 25 to 21," because that kind of thing is really a matter of opinion based (largely) on the voter's age and experience. But the contentious stuff that is inundating my life every day through mailers, commercials, unsolicited opinions, and yard signs.

And once I've done my homework, it'll be time to vote my conscience. And I hope everyone else who is eligible to vote does the same.

The Men in my Life

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

I have some wonderful, progressive men in my life. They care deeply about the women in their lives, and are aghast at the treatment sexual assault survivors have to endure when they try to do the right thing. They speak loudly, and publicly, about the need to believe survivors when they muster the courage to tell, and they have fury in their hearts for the entitled, amoral shits who would perpetrate such a crime. 

And yet. 

This story in the Washington Post reminded me that even the most sensitive of men, even the most progressive, the most supportive, still don't fully understand the scope of the problem that is sexual assault. 

The author of this piece points out that stories of harassment and assault have been pouring into her inbox daily, and many of the writers will not tell their fathers about their experiences. They have many reasons for this choice, but most boil down to an attempt to protect their fathers' feelings from the horror that was perpetrated on their child. These survivors are afraid. They're afraid their parent won't see them the same way. They're afraid their parent will subconsciously blame their kids for their suffering. They're afraid it will break their parent's heart. And they're afraid their parent will take some action that will land them in prison, or worse. 

When I was assigned at a Naval Training Station, I acted as a sexual assault victim advocate in a program that was the precursor to the DOD's SAPR Office. When a sailor on our base was sexually assaulted, a member of my team would be called out to act as a support system for that person. It was almost a given that the victim was without family in the area, and let's face it - dealing with such an event is hard even for the emotionally mature, let alone an 18 year old away from home for the first time who was attacked by someone they thought was their shipmate. These young adults needed help, and our team tried to provide it. 

And each of the individuals I advocated for, with only one exception, had one thing in common: They refused to tell their family about their experience. Their reasons were myriad, and not mine to share, but suffice it to say that the WashPo author gives a pretty good representative sample. 

Men with whom I would associate would never disbelieve a sexual assault survivor because they chose not to report the crime in a timely manner. They would advocate for these survivors, and do everything in their power to ensure the perpetrator was held accountable. Their hearts would break for the survivors, and I believe they have the emotional fortitude to manage this emotional burden. 

And yet, I wonder how many of them truly understand that in their own circles, among the women they know personally or professionally, those who are casual friends or acquaintances, one in six of those women will be the victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. They understand the statistic, to be sure - but have they looked at their circles and wondered, "Who among my friends and family have been through this horror?" I know I do, often, usually when I'm contemplating (again) what behavior will keep me safest in an unknown situation. 

I guarantee you, men - you know people who have been sexually assaulted. They won't tell you, for a variety of reasons, but it's true. The survivors are all around you, and you really have no idea who they are. Because, through no fault of your own, you have the luxury of not having to think about it.

Worse - so much worse - than I thought

Friday, September 21, 2018

Yesterday I finished Fear: Trump in the White House, by Bob Woodward.

I expected a high quality project, because, Bob Woodward. The man is a giant in journalism, and while he has his critics, very few journalists have as much access as him, and are as scrupulous about ensuring his material is factual.

I'm not going to summarize the book's findings, as they've been all over the media since the book's release, but these are my personal take-aways:
  • 45 is dumber than I thought, and that's saying something. Who this book characterized is someone who is apparently incapable of critical thought or analysis. Complex issues confuse him profoundly, to the point where he ends up just shaking off all those pesky details and facts and goes with his feelings. And since his feelings are driven entirely by self-absorption and egomania, expressed in terms of rabid nationalism, the resulting decisions lack good judgement, to say the least. 
  • 45 is far less rational than I thought. It was apparent during the campaign that he was egomaniacal in the extreme, but this dude brought the United States to the brink of a nuclear exchange basically because someone pwned him on Twitter. Are you fucking kidding me? It's like having Dr. Strangelove in the White House.
  • 45 has no desire (or apparently, ability) to learn. He came into the White House as the least qualified Presidential candidate in history, and guess what? He still is, 22 months into the job. He's had qualified advisors in the West Wing, but when they try to educate him on how the economy works, or how national security works, or how those things are tied together, or basically any topic vital for an effective President to know, his response was (I shit you not), "I don't want to hear that." Lalalalala I can't hear you...
  • 45 has reached the pinnacle of the Dunning-Kruger effect. And the worst part is that his ego will not permit him to even consider the idea that he doesn't know what he doesn't know. 
  • Certain members of 45's staff and advisors have tried to rein him in. They've tried every trick in the book to keep 45 from tanking the economy, engaging the U.S. in another preemptive war, and personally breaking the law whenever it suits his personal agenda. In fact, these efforts have reached the point where staff's behavior is skirting coup d'état territory. This is not okay. I mean, this is REALLY not okay. I want 45's ego-driven decision making checked as much as the next bleeding-heart liberal, but I am devoted to the Constitution and the rule of law by virtue of my service and my values. Even though the man is a fucking disaster, and the country will likely take decades to recover from his fuckery, he is still the legal, duly elected President. Having unelected staff make policy decisions in direct contradiction to his wishes paves the way for a shadow government to control future presidents in the same fashion. NOT OKAY.
  • The reason 45 won't be interviewed by Special Prosecutor Mueller is because his attorney refused to allow it. And the reason isn't because the attorney thought 45 had something heinous to hide. It's because, as the attorney notes, "He's a fucking liar."*
This book did not reveal anything that hadn't crossed my mind in the last 22 months. It just revealed how much worse things are in the White House than I thought. It made me wish even harder that the Democrats take the House and/or the Senate this year as a way to limit his power. It made me hope beyond hope that the RNC chooses a candidate to challenge 45 for the Republican nomination for President in 2020. And it scared the shit out of me because I can also imagine this shit-show becoming America's new normal. And that last part also makes me profoundly sad.

*This was not a revelation to anyone who reads anything more complex and factual than the Drudge Report. The public record clearly shows 45 lies as a matter of course, rather than using dishonesty as a way to hide his misdeeds. He's just a pathological liar - lying is his default reaction.

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

Thursday, September 6, 2018

The Eighth Annual Maureen "AJ" Ramey Memorial Summer Reading Program is over, and the winners have been selected via a Random Number Generator.

The total number of entries reached 235 this year, which means me and the Smart Man will be donating $500 to the Douglas County Library Foundation. This will allow us to continue to have the naming rights to the Parker Library "Maureen 'AJ' Ramey Memorial Garden."

The winners this year are Stacey, who read Shadow Ops: Breach Zone, by Myke Cole, and The Mechanicky Gal, who read In the Shadow of Lakecrest, by Elizabeth Blackwell. 

Congratulations winners! Your prizes are in the (e)mail!

Last Chance to Log Books for the Summer Reading Program

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

I'm a big slacker and forgot to close comments on the Summer Reading Program yesterday morning. So I'll take pity and leave them open until tomorrow morning for your last minute entries.

Get your books entered TODAY for a chance to WIN!

Honoring the Fallen, Helping the Living

Monday, August 27, 2018

Please Join Me in Supporting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention


July 31, 2013 was the worst day of my life. It was the worse day of my life because that was the day the Police Department came to our home to tell us that our precious daughter Moe had died of suicide at the age of 22.

Moe died of uncontrolled mental illness. She experienced severe depression, and was under a doctor's care for her condition. But we lost her anyway, leaving a Moe-shaped hole in my heart that nothing is able to fill.

Every day I mourn her loss in this world, and I would give everything to have her here with us again. But I can't do that, so instead I choose to perform service projects in her memory such as serving on our local Library Foundation Board, since Moe was an avid reader and used our library extensively.

And I also support AFSP's mission in helping people who are at risk overcome their lack of hope and help those who have been affected by suicide.

This is the second year I've been up to participating in this event personally, but this will be the sixth year the Maureen's Marchers team is hitting the road in my baby girl's name on the annual Out of the Darkness Denver Metro Walk. The money raised in this event will go to fighting suicide and supporting AFSP's goal to reduce the suicide rate 20% by 2025.

Please help us honor our lost, beloved Moe-Moe and consider donating to the AFSP by clicking the "Donate" button on this page or on the sidebar. All donations are 100% tax deductible and benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), funding research, education, advocacy, and support for those affected by suicide. The AFSP is a Charity Navigator 3 star charity, and they spend 83.4% of their total budget on program expenses.

"When you are sorrowful look again at your own heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~ Khalil Gibron

As always, thank you for your support.


Jesus Wept

Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Here is a synopsis of the current news cycle, compiled by my buddy Vince. Presented without "spin" or comment.

Today Republican Representative Duncan Hunter and his wife, Margaret, have been indicted for using $250,000 worth of campaign funds for personal expenses filing false campaign finance records. This includes wire fraud, falsifying records, campaign finance violations, and conspiracy.
Today former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort was found guilty on 8 of the charges filed against him - filing a false tax return in each of the years from 2010 through 2014, as well as not filing a form in 2012 to report a foreign bank account as required. He was also convicted of two instances of bank fraud, related to a $3.4 million loan from Citizens Bank and a $1 million loan from Banc of California. The jury was deadlocked on the other ten charges, and a mistrial for those charges has been declared.
Today President Trump's former personal attorney Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to eight counts of campaign finance violations, tax fraud and bank fraud as part of a deal, which includes jail time. Cohen is the fifth Trump associate to have pleaded guilty or be charged with criminal wrongdoing since Trump took office, including his former national security adviser, his deputy campaign chairman, and a former campaign policy adviser.
Today Facebook’s head of cybersecurity policy, Nathaniel Gleicher, revealed in a post that Facebook has removed hundreds of accounts and pages for what it calls “coordinated inauthentic behavior,” generally networks of ostensibly independent outlets that were in fact controlled centrally by Russia and Iran. Facebook also announced that it was removing pages and accounts “linked to sources the U.S. government has previously identified as Russian military intelligence services.”
Last night, Microsoft President Brad Smith said that Microsoft's Digital Crimes Unit (DCU) successfully executed a court order to transfer control of six internet domains created by APT28 (also known as Fancy Bear or Strontium, and associated with the the Russian military intelligence service GRU) before they were used in any attacks. The idea was to have people think they were accessing links managed by US political groups but redirect them to fake ones run by the hackers so passwords and other information could be stolen.
Smith said one such site appeared to mimic that of the International Republican Institute, which promotes democratic principles and whose board includes Republican senators, among them John McCain, who have been critical of President Vladimir Putin. Another is similar to the domain used by the Hudson Institute, which hosts prominent discussions on topics including cybersecurity.
Yesterday Santa Clara County Fire Chief Anthony Bowden wrote in a declaration "County Fire has experienced throttling by its ISP, Verizon. This throttling has had a significant impact on our ability to provide emergency services. Verizon imposed these limitations despite being informed that throttling was actively impeding County Fire's ability to provide crisis-response and essential emergency services. Bowden's declaration was submitted in an addendum to a brief filed by 22 state attorneys general, the District of Columbia, Santa Clara County, Santa Clara County Central Fire Protection District, and the California Public Utilities Commission seeking to overturn the recent repeal of net neutrality rules in a lawsuit.
Santa Clara Fire paid Verizon for "unlimited" data but suffered from heavy throttling until the department paid Verizon more, according to Bowden's declaration and emails between the fire department and Verizon that were submitted as evidence.
The throttling recently affected "OES 5262," a fire department vehicle that is "deployed to large incidents as a command and control resource" and is used to "track, organize, and prioritize routing of resources from around the state and country to the sites where they are most needed," Bowden wrote. "OES 5262 also coordinates all local government resources deployed to the Mendocino Complex Fire," an ongoing wildfire that is the largest in California's history, Bowden wrote.

The Queen of Soul

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Fair winds and following seas, Queen of Soul. I hope somehow, somewhere, you are making new music.


In Pursuit of Peace

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Our Moe, with her lifelong BFF, Linda
You know, when a friend or loved one loses someone they love, my most common condolence is, "Peace to you and yours during this most difficult of times."

And for me, this is not just a platitude I say for form's sake, or because it's expected, or because I don't know what else to say. I say it because I know how very difficult it is to find peace after losing someone you love more than life itself.

After a tragedy of this sort, peace becomes as elusive as a unicorn, always just around the corner, or after the next "big" anniversary. One day I think I've found it, the very next, I'm heart-broken and grief-stricken all over again, because I glance at a photo, or I see something Moe would have liked, and my illusory "peace" blows away like the mirage it is.

Our Moe-Moe has been gone for five years today. For five years I've had this hole in my heart, in my life, in my love, where she used to be, and I still have not been able to find peace with this reality.

I'm not angry, or in denial. I know why she did what she did, and I'm not angry she made the choice, although I'm incredibly sad about it and her suffering. I know, in my heart of hearts, that she's gone, and will never come back. Given my lack of faith, I am forced to believe she really is gone, for good, and the only parts of her that remain are our memories and love for her.

Processing my grief over Moe's death has been a very different experience for me compared to the loss of other people I have loved and lost. My Dad, my Gram, my mother-in-law, my Aunties, my lost friends - all of these losses punched me in the heart, and left me bereft, but I found ways to make peace with it, and move forward. I'm even at peace with the loss of who I believed my sister to be, and the reality that she'll never be a part of my life again.

But finding peace with Moe's death appears to be beyond my reach. I remain functional most days. I enjoy time spent with friends & family. I find meaning in my volunteer work and pursue my hobbies. But my grief at her loss is still a huge part of my life. I miss her, terribly, each and every day. The loss of her and her light in this world is devastating to me, and I can't seem to find a way to be at peace with her death and all it represents.

It's not okay that she's dead. It's not okay that she's lost to those of us who loved her. It's not okay that her contribution to this world was cut so short. It never will be okay, and while I don't expect I'll ever believe it is, I wish I could find my way to peace.

A Thousand More

Saturday, July 28, 2018


The Worst Time of Year

Friday, July 27, 2018

In four days, my daughter will have been dead for five years.

I'm not sure how I feel about this at the moment. Five year anniversaries have some level of import, although not as much as the longer ones.

So I'm pensive, somewhat angry, introspective, reflective, and always, always grief-stricken.

I expect my on-line communications will reflect that state of mind for a while. Writing is sometimes my first and best way of working through this worst time of year, and I'm sure I'll work through it. I know I'm not the only one who grieves for my baby girl, and sometimes, there's comfort in that, too.

See you on the other side. 


Rules to Live By - Be Kind or Be Silent

Tuesday, July 3, 2018
You want to know why I don't post political content on social media anymore?

It brings out the worst in people. Folks who are normally civil, polite, and wouldn't dream of confronting others in a rude way in person suddenly become perfectly comfortable calling others out in public while checking their manners at the door.

It doesn't seem to matter how long the poster has known someone, what their feelings are about one another, whether or not they're family. None of it matters when someone is sitting behind a keyboard, and someone presses their particular buttons. Suddenly their manners go out the window, and they're hurtful, rude, and act like they were raised by wolves. They make the discussion personal, not realizing that such behavior only serves to isolate them from the people they care about and makes their argument null and void. After all, if I can't trust your self-discipline, judgement, and critical thinking skills when you're trying to make a political point, then why should I trust those things when we aren't talking about politics? 
I've fallen victim to this viscous circle myownself.  I would get wrapped around the axle, make unkind statements, take things personally. And you know what? I didn't like myself very much when I would fall victim to the political baiting. I don't want others to feel bad. I don't want others to make me feel bad. I want to emulate my beloved lost Auntie, who taught me through word and deed that being kind is the very best way to make a difference in this world, as long as you apply that kindness to every aspect of your life.

That doesn't mean people shouldn't be politically active, or have strong opinions about their views. That's what voting and activism is all about. But do you have to be a dick about it?

My dear cousin, whose politics are basically diametrically opposed to my own, and I have had this discussion. I love my cousin. She loves me. We don't agree on politics. I'm not going to tell her she's stupid, or lacks compassion, or a NAZI for Christ's sake.* And she doesn't make it personal with me, either. Because we love each other, and I don't believe any of those things are true, and she doesn't believe all the usual insults about liberals are true of me, either. We just disagree, and that's okay. ALL politicians, regardless if they fall on the left or the right, require a loyal opposition to ensure our Republic works the way it's supposed to. Right now, I play that role. When President Obama was President, that was her job. WAD=Working As Designed.

Remember, folks - if you're a jerk to those who do not share your political point-of-view, but polite to those on the same side of the aisle, you're still a jerk.
__________

*ACTUAL Nazis and White Supremacists are exempt from this rule. Because sometimes there really is just one side to the story.

Saying farewell to a labor of love

Thursday, June 28, 2018

I will complete 4.5 years of service to the local library as a trustee on June 30th.

I started serving on this board less than six months after Moe died. I was desperate to find a service opportunity that linked me to Moe, and service to the library seemed to fit the bill. She loved her local libraries, and used them extensively. I know she would have approved of my work, and it made it a labor of love for me, and a way to honor her memory.

However, last night, I formally resigned from the Board effective June 30th. I have a lot of feelings about this decision, and the fact that I've tied my service to the library in with my daughter's legacy and my own grief makes those feelings very confusing. 

It broke my heart to resign from this work. I love our libraries, and helping to make them among the best libraries in the country and relevant for years to come was meaningful, satisfying work. The vast majority of my Board colleagues over the years have been dedicated, intelligent, focused, and always kept the best interests of the library as their guiding principle.

But life is about conflicting priorities, and sometimes we have to choose between what we love and what we're empowered to do, if only for our own sake and our own conscience. 

I am grateful - so grateful - to have had an opportunity to serve our Library District in this way. It helped me find my center in that first, awful year after Moe died. It allowed me to contribute to my community in a way I found meaningful. It allowed me to meet some fine, decent, like-minded people, who I will continue to call "friend." And it gave me the experience I'll need to continue to serve my community in other ways.

Perhaps what touches me the most is the fact that the Library leadership team, the Library Foundation Chair, and half the Library board nominated me for Colorado Association of Libraries Outstanding Trustee Award without my knowledge. It doesn't matter to me if I win. The respect of people I respect is award enough for me, as well as the acknowledgement by good, hardworking people that I did good work, and served authentically when given the chance.


Priorities. We Haz None.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018
 
I've been trying to stay away from politics, because no good ever comes from politics on social media.

But I'm going to make an exception in this case, because the issue isn't so much a political one as a moral one.
 
I speak, of course, of the situation at our borders, where young children are being detained in cages for the crime of crossing the border with their parents. 

The Internet is inundated with false equivalency over this outrage. It was Clinton's law. Obama did it. The Republican's hands are tied. Single parents who go to jail or prison have their children put in foster care, and what's the difference? 

All of these attitudes make me want to vomit, because they DON'T FUCKING MATTER. 

Does the fact that this execrable law was enacted under a Democratic president make the suffering of these families less acute? 
 
Does the fact that a Republican president chose not to enact policy of this nature under the same set of laws mean that this travesty is less immoral, less heartless, less egregious?

Does the fact that unaccompanied minors who attempted to cross the border illegally were also detained under a Democratic president mean that putting 1st graders in cages without access to their families is less abhorrent? 

No. It does not. Those kids - and their parents - give not two shits whose "fault" it is. They don't care if self-righteous so-called Christians are justifying this atrocity because they can't bear to check their privilege and feel some compassion for brown people. They don't care if faith leaders all over the country are calling for this practice to be discontinued on moral grounds. They don't care if the perpetrators are Democrats, Republicans, or Independents. They care that their kids are being abused by the state, they care that they're scared, they care that they have no idea what will happen to them as families. 

And that's what we should care about, too. 

I'm not saying we should ignore illegal immigration. I'm not saying we shouldn't care about the integrity of our borders.
 
What I am saying that those concerns, in this specific case, should be secondary to being decent human beings, to protecting the moral integrity of our country as an institution, to being committed to preventing child abuse, not perpetrating it.
 
Why the fuck are we arguing along party lines about "who started it," and "I know you are, but what am I," and "You're a Nazi, I'm not a Nazi?" Within the context of this crisis, it's incredibly counterproductive, and leaves those children in an untenable situation while we point fingers and bitch at each other like The Real Housewives of America

What's happening at the border is immoral. It's inexcusable. It's horrifying. It's against what this country supposedly stands for. It's wrong, and no amount of false equivalency and partisan bickering is going to make it right.

So how about we, as citizens, demand our leaders rescind the policy of May 2018 directing this atrocity to occur? Can't we, as Americans, put aside our politics for one damn minute and do the right thing by these children? Can't we contact our representatives, our Senators, and demand action upon pain of losing their offices?

The bipartisan support for such action gives me hope. But these days I'm more of a disillusioned cynic than not, so I suspect the answer is "no." And our continued refusal to hold our government accountable for our country's immoral acts continues to break my heart, every minute of every day. Because our failure means that us, all of us, are complicit. To our everlasting shame.

Hello darkness, my old friend

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Sometimes it sneaks up on me. Depression, that is. Sometimes there's some sort of triggering event, like the anniversary of Moe's death, or continuous emotional stress for long periods of time. But sometimes, it just sneaks in through the cracks of my life and settles in.

I'm not really sure why this happens. If I knew, I suppose I could try and apply some sort of prophylactic behavior to head it off. But I don't, so the best I can do is try and recognize it early when it comes, and do the things I know I need to do in order to get through the episode.

Some of these things are obvious. Getting enough sleep. Trying to eat well. Getting more exercise than I normally would. Removing emotional stresses from my life to the extent possible. Attempting to keep my mind in the "now." Practicing gratitude.

But mostly it's just a waiting game. I have to wait for it to pass. This was much harder before I was diagnosed, since I had no idea why I felt so shitty all the time. But now I know, and that allows me to apply some emotional maturity and intellectual discernment to the process. I know this will pass. I know I won't always feel this way. I know when I come out the other side I won't be as emotionally raw and fragile. I know this in spite of the lies depression tells, and I know this because people who care for me tell me it's true, and I choose to believe them.

Not believing them, or believing depression's lies, leads to a dark, dark road, and many people get lost. Their depression is so overwhelming, so consuming, the only thing they can hear is the lies it tells. I'm not valuable. I can't make it on my own. People are better off without me. This is just too hard.

In spite of my occasional episodes, I am very lucky to be able to wait it out. And I'm grateful.

Feeding the Elephant's Child

Monday, June 4, 2018

I went back to school last week.

I have a couple of certificate programs I'm interested in, as well as a bunch of general education classes I never got around to before graduating. Since I don't really have a plan, I enrolled as an enrichment student, and signed up for Database Design and Development.

So I've spent the last week reading the required texts, participating in discussion topics, and doing the assigned exercises. And a funny thing happened on the way to the database.

When engaging in my studies, I was taken by how much I've missed school. Even while scratching my head over relational algebra, I found myself in a profoundly happy state of mind.

I stopped taking classes right after Moe died. My ability to concentrate and focus was minimal at best, and I just couldn't do the work. After that, I just never went back, as I had other activities that kept me engaged.

However, as noted last week, some of that other activity has turned into a swirling black hole of emotional labor, and I want an opportunity to focus my mind against a topic in a structured way. If something is going to suck away my intellectual and emotional energy, then it's going to be something that makes me happy instead of making my stomach hurt.

So I'm going to continue to feed the elephant's child, for as long as I can afford it and my brain is capable of supporting the work. It sure beats the alternative.

Eighth Annual Maureen "AJ" Ramey Memorial Summer Reading Program Kick-Off

Monday, May 28, 2018
Today's the day! Today I'm kicking off the Eight Annual Maureen "AJ" Ramey Memorial Summer Reading Program, benefiting the Douglas County Library Foundation.* 

You can find all the deets here, and that's also where you'll log your books for the contest. I'm closing comments on this entry to avoid confusion, since book entries should be logged on the contest page (available at the link above titled "2018 Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men Read!").

Get to reading, y'all, because you know you want to force The Smart Man and I to donate even MORE money to libraries and literacy.

READ! READ! READ!

_____________
 

*Full Disclosure: I am the President of the Douglas County Library Board of Trustees, but this project has nothing to do with my duties there, and is a private endeavor on my part.

News from HCDSM HQ

Saturday, May 26, 2018
Hey there. Long time, no see.

Which is entirely my fault, of course. I haven't been a very conscientious writer for some time, nor have I been a very conscientious reader, having given up on my RSS feed and most sources of news except the Washington Post.

The reasons for this should be obvious, and I'll leave it as an exercise for the class.

So what's been going on here at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men HQ?

One of my volunteer gigs has devolved into something of a political shit-show, and I've been stressing over it. I'm unsure how much longer I'll be interested in serving in this particular role, because crap on a cracker, politics make my teeth hurt. And I can't see losing sleep (literally) over a volunteer gig.
__________ 

I joined my local Rotary Club for about six months. I ended up resigning due to a cultural misfit, i.e., Rotary Clubs tend to reflect the communities in which they reside, and we all know I, as an individual, represent about 10% of all liberals in Douglas County. Which isn't a problem in and of itself, except when the majority assumes you hold the same views as they do and some of them feel free to express their opinions without discernment. Or kindness.
__________

I started a new assignment in my day job in April. The move was non-optional as there was another team who needed a skill set I happened to have, but the change has been good, and I believe I'll have a greater chance for sales success in the new role. Go, me.
__________

It's Spring! You know what that means: GARDENING. While I thought I was about done last Fall in terms of getting things growing and where I want them, I was wrong. So it's been back to Lowe's and Gardner's Supply Co. for new containers, plants, etc. Growing things when you live on a hill and the soil is basically 100% clay is a pain in the ass, but I also suspect that gardening is like laundry in that it never, ever ends.
__________

I've been reading a lot. I've finished 80 books since January 1st, and while I expect I'll be slowing down a bit for the summer, that's a pretty good clip. 
__________


I've decided to go back to school (again). Once I graduated, I stopped going and started to listen to the Great Courses so I could continue to learn new things, but that hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to. I enjoy the lectures, but it's a pretty passive activity, and so doesn't engage my brain in an active, focused way the way actual coursework does. So I've enrolled in the local Community College to take enrichment courses starting after Memorial Day. First on the agenda: Database Design and Development. Chronic school attendance is good for my brain, and the longer I go without it, the more I feel my IQ points dribbling out of my ears. Bonus: I can acquire skills that might be valuable in my current day job as well as future volunteer gigs.
__________

That's about it here at HCDSM. I'm trying to re-engage in my on-line communities, but on my terms, rather than being victim to the time-suck.