Chick Stuff - New Do

First, the requisite nod to gender bias:

Yeah, baby. Go ahead and fuck with me.

To the Chick Stuff!

I've been incredibly bored with my hair lately. While the color is still magnificent, it was basically just...long. Long, and very heavy.* Bleh.

So this last weekend I lost my shit and had my stylist cut off about 12 inches from the back in an A-Line Bob. I apologize for the weird way these photos came out in terms of contrast and color. I'm not sure what happened, the Smart Man's not here to retake them, and the family photo-shopper is laid up in rehab, so we'll just have to suck it up.

Taa-Daa. 

*The heavy part is just a pain in the ass when I run. And i don't need any more pains in my ass this quarter.

My Brain is an Asshole

I've had insomnia for the last thirteen years. It was a byproduct of my quitting smoking, because evidently I was self-medicating my anxiety disorder with cigarettes, and when I stopped smoking, my anxiety manifested itself as insomnia. Whee.

After suffering for years, my good friend NeuronDoc gave me a stern talking-to about seeking medical attention for, you know, medical conditions, and I started taking a low-grade anxiety medication at night called Trazadone. The angels sang, I started sleeping through the night on a semi-regular basis, and all was right with the world.

Except that the medication only works when things are going well. As soon as additional stress, depression or anxiety are introduced into my life, it stops working and I'm back to being up for hours in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. This has been the case for most of January - I think I've slept through the night three times this month.

This is because my brain is an asshole.

Even though my doctor allows me to increase the dosage of my meds when my life explodes in my face, my brain has decided that it will no longer submit to the seductive wiles of that sexy Trazadone, and will instead hold a brain party, each and every night, racing from topic to topic for hours. I've been using the techniques my sleep hygiene specialist taught me, but alas and alack, my brain is an ego-maniacal buttwad who refuses to submit and insists on dictating the terms of my sleep. Because apparently I'm not the boss of my asshole brain. 

An Open Letter to Longmont United Hospital

Today I mailed a modified version of this letter to the Longmont United Hospital's Chief of Staff, and I wanted to post it here, as well. I don't hesitate to bitch and moan in this forum when things and people piss me the Hell off, so I think it's only appropriate to publicly acknowledge institutions and people when they step up and provide exemplary service.
_______________

I wanted to take a moment to compliment you and your hospital on their outstanding performance during my Mother’s recent stay at Longmont United Hospital.

My mother had been experiencing increasingly severe pain as a result of a bulging disc between L4 and L5. She had upcoming appointments with a palliative care specialist and a consultation scheduled with Boulder Neurological Associates, but on January 12^th, the pain had become so severe and unmanageable I took her to the Emergency Room on the advice of her on-call General Practitioner at Longmont Clinic. Upon our arrival, your staff swung into action, admitting her for observation in order to provide a pain management plan and a neurosurgical consultation sooner than her scheduled appointments two weeks away.

Dr. Nelson was the neurosurgeon on duty, and on Sunday, January 13^th, after examining her diagnostic tests, he determined that an L4/L5 fusion was the recommended course of action. After discussing the recommendation, we scheduled the surgery for the following day, Monday, January 14^th.

From the time she was admitted on January 12^th until she was released from the Transitional Care Unit on January 24^th, the care my mother received at your hospital was exemplary. Your staff demonstrated a sense of urgency in providing her with short term relief to her debilitating pain in addition to providing the long term solution she needed to get on with her life. Your staff accomplished more in 16 hours than we had been able to do in the previous 60 days of outpatient care, and for this we are profoundly grateful.

I would like to call special attention to your wonderful nursing staff. During my Mother’s stay, she was assigned to the 5^th floor (pre-surgery), the 4^th floor (post-surgery), and the Transitional Care Unit. In every location, the nursing staff was incredibly responsive, patient, kind and conscientious. My Mother never had to wait for assistance to get the restroom, or for a pain pill, and I know that is not the case in every hospital. Such a dedication to the comfort and well-being of the patients under your care speaks well of the cultural norms at LUH, and how well every member of the nursing and OT/PT staff embodies that culture.

As a family member who was acting as my Mother’s health care advocate, the professionalism and attentiveness of your staff allowed me to leave her at night with a clear conscience, knowing she would be well cared for. Not all hospitals inspire such confidence, and it’s entirely due to the efforts and work ethic of your amazing staff.

Our experience at Longmont United Hospital provided an important lesson – that bad events don’t have to lead to bad experiences, and you and every member of your staff should take pride in personifying a level of care and compassion that other hospitals only aspire to. Thank you.

Miscellaneous Monday

Just Another Manic Monday

Crap on a cracker, I am busy. My fabulous team members in the Military Industrial Complex were holding the wolves at bay while I've been dealing with my Hot Mom's issues, but things are heating up, and I have a laundry list of tasks that need to be completed before the end of February in addition to my Vestibule of Hell travel schedule. The problem, of course, is that many of these tasks require the input of others, and trying to get that input in a timely manner is proving...challenging. Normally I'd just grab a bigger stick, but I'm still a bit unsure of the politics of the situation, and a more measured approach appears to be the prudent course. And as we all know, the measured approach is not really my strong suit.

Where Angels Fear to Tread

I have another certification exam at the end of this week. I hate those damn things with the heat of a thousand burning suns. And I've lost every bit of self-confidence I've ever had when it comes to standardized testing as a result of my last debacle, which means there's dread in my heart. I hate it when there's dread in my heart. It harshes my mellow, and I'm in serious need of mellow right now.

Getting Better

For those of you who sent me notes asking about my Hot Mom, I'm pleased to report that she's in a rehab facility (the good one, not the one that made me cry), and is showing improvement every day. She, of course, feels that she should have been able to LEAP FROM THE OPERATING TABLE POST SURGERY AND RESUME HER DAILY ACTIVITIES, but back surgery does, in fact, require a long period of rehabilitation. So she'll just have to suck it up like the rest of us and submit to her doctor's restrictions for the next several months. Stubborn old broad. 

Vaguebooking

I've been Vaguebooking quite a lot lately, mostly because people are pissing me off and I've decided confronting them directly is not appropriate at this time. So of course the best course of action is to indulge in passive-aggressive snottiness on social media! Actually it really doesn't matter, because the people who are pissing me off aren't friends with me on Facebook, and I doubt they'd come here, either. So mostly it's just a venting exercise:

The fact that I think I'm better than you has absolutely nothing to do with how much money you have, even though I know you'd like to think so.

Note to self: Wishing ill on others is not the right thing to do. It doesn't matter if they deserve it, or if Karma's on vacation. NOT. THE. RIGHT. THING. TO. DO. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Because I believe strongly in self-determination, people have every right to spend their time and resources as they see fit. The flip side of that, of course, is that I have every right to choose how I will react to those choices.  

As always, the people who might benefit from taking such things personally are not, in fact, the ones that will do so. Such is social media. 

Another Hairdo

So I've been bored with my hair for some time, and I finally lost my patience on Saturday and went and got 11 inches cut off the back in an A-Line bob. There will be no photos until I can figure out how to style it to my satisfaction in both the "curly" and "straight" configurations, but so far I think I like it. Given my current state of mind, I think I should just be grateful I didn't shave it all off in a fit of pique. I think I need a vacation. Or a hug. Or both.

Free Shit Friday - Dansko Ryders

Today's Free Shit Friday offering is a pair of Dansko Ryder shoes in size 38. You may recall that I gave away an identical pair of these shoes some time ago because the size 39 pair was far too lose. Well, the 38's are too tight across the top of my foot and I'm tired of trying to stretch them out. What I obviously need in this style is a 38.5, which of course they don't make. Damnit.

My feet are almost a perfect size 8 in American sizes, so these would probably fit you if you're a size 8 with a low arch, or a 7.5.

da Rules.

What a View

Miscellaneous Monday - Lessons Learned Edition

The Oregon Trail

I'm off to Oregon this afternoon, bless my heart. I love that part of the country, and while traveling is sometimes a burden for me, it's nice to be going somewhere that I enjoy rather than BFE. I'll be back mid-week, so it's a fairly short trip this time, which also pleases me. Since I have to travel whether I love it or hate it, I'm trying to think of ways to enjoy it so I'm not unhappy every time I have to pack a suitcase.

Getting Over Myself

One of the things I've learned as I've gotten older is that crisis situations are awesome opportunities to discover new things about myself, and to use those discoveries to drive my growth. And dealing with my Hot Mom's recent illness has given me something to work on: I am not the only competent person in the room. I need to accept the assistance of others with grace - and then trust them to do the right thing. They don't need me to remind them, or tell them how to do the things that constitute their area of expertise. Doing so is disrespectful, and deprives them of their status as self-sufficient, competent humans, capable of fulfilling their obligations. This is a personality trait I share with my Hot Mom, and it's an area of growth I really want to spend time and energy on in the coming year. Grow, Janiece, grow.

Take Care of You

The other thing I've learned is that when taking care of someone else, it's perfectly acceptable to manage the situation in such a way that allows me as the caregiver an opportunity to take care of myself, as well. By the time Thursday of last week rolled around I felt absolutely awful, not only because of the strain of my Hot Mom's situation, but because I had failed to take the time to exercise. I just can't do that anymore. I can skip a day here and there due to travel or other obligations, but a whole week? I'm asking for trouble, both mentally and physically. Lesson learned - I need to take the time to exercise on a regular basis regardless of what else is demanding my attention.

In with the good, out with the bad...

The bad disc, that is

So my Hot Mom is now in rehab after having her L4/L5 vertebrae fused during a posterior lumbar interbody fusion (PLIF) on Monday. The surgery went very, very well, and each OT or PT session she has shows improvement in her mobility, stability and strength. Full recovery is going to constitute a great deal of work, but she's disciplined and motivated. The chronic pain had sapped her reserves, so I've been playing Nurse Ratchett to keep her on the ball, but once she regains a bit of strength I suspect that will no longer be necessary, and her recovery will occur at a rapid pace. I expect her to return home in approximately two weeks with the help of Home Health Care, friends and family.

So, so relieved.

Get thee gone, stress

I've been struggling with my insomnia the last several weeks due to stress (you think?), but I'm hoping that now that my Hot Mom is over the hump things will improve. My eating and exercise habits have suffered, as well, and I'm looking forward to resuming a more normal schedule for myself. I'll still be making frequent trips to Longmont, but I came home to the Big Yellow House yesterday (I'd been staying at my Hot Mom's home for the last week), and I've decided that I love our Memory Foam mattress and want to have its babies. Just kidding. Sort of.

A matter of values

Unsurprisingly, I've been less than available to my fabulous new job in the Military Industrial Complex this week. But it's okay, because I work on a team that supports each other when we need it, and I work for a boss who understands that while work is important, taking care of our family is more important. This is made all the more amazing by the fact that I'd only been on the payroll for six months when this thing blew up. Yet my peers and my boss both treated me like I'd been there for decades, contributing to the success of the business rather than a NUB. There's been a couple of occasions when I nearly wept with relief and gratitude at the attitude of my employer and team during this whole thing.

The Long and Winding Road

Which is good, because my travel calendar for February is shaping up to be brutal. I'm currently scheduled to be traveling every week, and in one case, the departure date is a Saturday, which means I'll have very little downtime and I may need a formal introduction to the Smart Man upon my return. So if anyone is interested in arranging something like this for me upon my return March 1st, it would be much appreciated. My plane will be landing around noon at Denver International Airport.

H/T to Carolyn, who sent me this as a much needed pick-me-up.

Things I've learned in the last week

For context: The main issue that I've been struggling with over the last weeks is the fact that my Hot Mom has been ill. She's been having increasingly serious problems with her back over the last several months due to osteoarthritis and several bulging disks, and the last few weeks have brought matters to a head. 

Health insurance makes Mos Eisley look like a Garden Club

My Hot Mom is a Medicare patient with a supplemental policy through her former employer. This state of affairs leads to an endless morass of regulations. In fact, the regulations have regulations. And the bureaucracy is enough to make someone consider assisted suicide rather than try to get the type of help seniors need on a regular basis.

The main reason that my Mother's health issues have taken so long to diagnose and treat is that everyone is afraid of, and in thrall to, the regulations surrounding Medicare and supplemental insurance. The MRI that she had done IN NOVEMBER (after having to wait until it was cleared with guess who, the insurance companies) clearly shows the root cause of her excruciating pain, and yet it took months to get that data to the right person who, after taking one look, said, "Oh, yes, this is very straight-forward, and a surgical solution is really the only thing that will relieve the symptoms. How does tomorrow look for you?" Meanwhile, while everyone was fucking around with the insurance companies, my mother was suffering increasingly debilitating pain to the point that the simple act of standing was bringing her to tears.

Crap on a cracker, how is this okay?

Village of the Damned

Prior to taking my Mother to the Emergency Room on Saturday and forcing the issue, we thought that she was going to need residential care as a stop-gap measure until she could be seen and evaluated by a surgeon and pain management specialist. So I did some research and made some visits.

On the plus side, I found a facility that was clean, bright, cheerful, well-maintained and staffed, and appeared to be making real efforts to make their residents comfortable. Of course they had over 100 people on the waiting list.

On the minus side, I found a facility that reminded me of nothing so much as a 1940's era flophouse. Dirty, ill-lit, poorly maintained, loud, cramped and the entire facility smelled strongly of urine. And I have news for the horribly matter-of-fact woman who gave me my "tour:" All Nursing Homes are not dirty, ill-lit, poorly maintained, loud, cramped and smell strongly of urine. They just aren't. The fact of the matter is that you, Madame, work in a shithole and I wouldn't consider kenneling my dog there. So you can just fuck right off with your rationalizations. Just walking through that place literally brought me to tears. I can't imagine being forced to make a decision like that for my Hot Mom, but I know families are required to do so, each and every day, for financial and other reasons. What a horrible, depressing state of affairs, and I'm endlessly relieved that our own situation did not put me or my Hot Mom in such an untenable position. 

Resurrecting my Inner SNCO

If I've learned nothing else over the last several months, it's that when it comes to health care issues, I need to channel Senior Chief Murphy early and often. I can't help but feel that if I'd been more aggressive in advocating for my Mother's care, I could have saved her needless suffering. But now I know, and the next time this sort of thing comes up for her or anyone else who lives in my heart, I will not hesitate to resurrect my Inner SNCO. Don't mess with the Senior Chief, and ESPECIALLY don't mess with anyone I care about. I will cut you.

Bad events don't have to lead to bad experiences

Once we took my mother to the ER on Saturday, the staff at the Longmont United Hospital swung into action, and let me tell you something - if you have to be hospitalized, you could do much worse than LUH. The staff has been nothing but friendly, gracious, compassionate, and Johnny-on-the-Spot in terms of showing some urgency as it related to my Mom's pain management and surgical consultations. In terms of measurable, meaningful results, we got more done in 16 hours at LUH than we had in the previous 60 days of outpatient care. So thank you, LUH staff, for restoring some of my faith in America's health care system. You guys rock, from the ER doc who agreed to admit her so she could have a neurosurgical consult immediately instead of waiting two weeks, to the surprisingly erudite and charming food service attendant who brought her lunch. Her surgery will be performed at LUH this morning, and I have no reason to think the standard of care will be anything less than exemplary.

Good friends are that pearl of great price

Both my Hot Mom and I are blessed and double-blessed by a cadre of caring, generous friends who have really stepped up in our hour of need, in addition to the support of our family. Friends really are the "family you choose," and I'm so very grateful not only for the support of my own amigos, but of hers, as well. Taking care of each other is a foundational element of our humanity, and I'm secure in the knowledge that my foundation - and my Mother's - is strong.

Hiatus

Remember how I said that shit kept happening? Well, apparently it's decided to breed and have its little shit babies all over my life, and something's got to give. Several somethings, in fact.

Unfortunately, one of those somethings is probably going to be regular posting here at Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men. I don't know that I'll actually be on hiatus per se, but I think it's fair to assume that my time to write will be drastically reduced for the foreseeable future, and Free Shit Friday will definitely be on hiatus since I will have no time to go to the Post Office. 

I hope to return to my regularly scheduled programming at some point, but I'm unsure when. In the meantime, have fun on the Internet, my friends.

I think I should seek help...or maybe not

For the holiday season, I could not think of a single thing to ask for when my family and friends asked me what I wanted for Christmas. The Smart Man bought me a much-needed new Smart Phone, but for everyone else? I had nothing.

Until I realized that my all-time favorite shoe manufacture offered GIFT CERTIFICATES. So of course I asked everyone I knew for money to spend at the Fluevog store. And as a result of that, I ended up with THREE PAIRS OF FLUEVOGS. My cup runneth over.

The Amandas, featured previously. Wingtips are the Shizzle.

The Elifs, with my favorite pedestal heel in a more versatile color than my other Mary Janes.

The Prodigy, because I lacked a high quality taupe heel in my shoe stable.

Sometimes I think I may need help to get my shoe fetish under control, and then I just say, "Fuck it. When's the next sale?"

Miscellaneous Monday

Please Come to Boston

So I'm leaving for Boston this morning. I suspect I'm going to be spending quite a lot of time in Boston for the next several months. This doesn't really bother me, as I love Boston, and my buddy Tom lives there, as well, which means we get to meet occasionally for a meal when I'm in town. I just wish this had come up in the Spring, or the Fall, rather than in effin' February. I hate the cold. Really, truly hate it. Which is why I live in Colorado, of course.

How Many Days of Sadness?

I've been missing my Boogie-Dog quite a lot the last several weeks. I think part of the reason is that his presence had a tendency to keep me calm and reduce my blood pressure, which I've sorely needed lately. But mostly I just miss my companion and friend. I miss our daily walkies up on the Open Space, I miss his cold nose pushing underneath my elbow while I work, I miss him greeting me when I come down the stairs in the morning. I still look for him when I come home from errands, and I still think I need to get home to let him out if I'm away too long. I'm not sure if I should cherish those feelings because they're indicative of how much he meant to me, or if I should just wish them to go the hell away.

Ignorance is Bliss

So I dropped my university course for the Winter Quarter. With all the shit that keeps happening, I was feeling more than a little overwhelmed, and decided I didn't need the added stress of university work to push me over the edge into gibbering isolation. Given my current travel schedule for work as well as the aggressive professional goals I've been given for 2013, I'm unsure if I'll have the resources to return at all this year. It's not the end of the world if I don't, since it's primarily for enrichment at this point - we'll just have to wait and see, I guess.

Health to the Company

I got my first paycheck of the year last week, and it turns out that my company's policy changes in response to the Affordable Care Act has decreased my take home pay by a not inconsiderable amount. For me, this is a "put your money where you mouth is" kind of scenario - I want everyone to have access to health care. I'm willing to pay more out of pocket in order to support that outcome. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to have to reevaluate my budget in light of this new financial reality. I guess I'm going to have to be a bit more reasonable and moderate when it comes to shoes and handbags. Hmph.

Have a nice week, Hot Chicks and Smart Men. As always, please don't burn the place down or allow the trolls to take over the hen-house in my absence.

In which I take a deep breath, and appreciate my pearl of great price

I've spent the last several days needing to take a deep breath. There are a variety of reasons for this, but the main issue is that shit keeps happening. Shit that I haven't planned for, and over which I have no control. Some of it is stupid shit (I shattered one of my lacquer nails by closing a door on it, and had to wait for a week to get it repaired because of the blood), some of it is more serious shit (my Hot Daughter totaled her little car in our last snow storm and we've been dealing with the insurance company and trying to find her some new wheels), and some of it is shit over which no one has any control (relatives who are struggling with health issues). There's more, of course, but that's a pretty indicative list.

And to add insult to injury, I'm looking at three weeks of travel starting on Monday, which means my ability to help address this shit is going to be severely compromised by proximity.

So I've been in need a deep breath. Or three. Which I took today.

I was able to do so because my Hot Daughter found a good used vehicle for herself yesterday and is now back to transporting herself back and forth to work. I was able to do so because the Smart Man has taken over much of the burden of my various shit, because he's the Bomb that way. And I was able to do so because my amazing, generous Auntie has stepped into the breach regarding the health issues. All of these things have left me free not only to take a deep breath today, but to fulfill my obligations to my company over the next three weeks.

So today I spent over an hour and a half at the gym. I got my nails done. I made it to the Post Office to mail off jam to my Free Shit Friday participants. I went to the library. And I'm going to spend a good portion of the day doing what I want to do, all because my life is filled with people who not only care for me, but also care for the people I care for.

A pearl of great price, indeed.

Welcome, 2013

I'm not a huge fan of "New Year's Resolutions." They seem very trite to me, and oftentimes they just fall by the wayside when they become too difficult - or even too inconvenient - to accomplish.

But I do believe in setting goals. Imagining a destination for myself, and then taking positive steps to get there, has value for me as it solidifies a plan of action. And for me, it's always, always better to have a plan (*cough*OCD*cough*).

So here is what I hope to accomplish in 2013:

1. I really want to get rid of these last 20 pounds. Yes, yes, I know - could that goal be any more cliche? No, I don't think it could. But in 2012 I made a real commitment to fitness, and have maintained that commitment for over a year. I think the logical next step is to make a commitment to a healthy, sustainable weight, and do what needs to be done in order to accomplish that goal.
2. Since taking my new gig in the Military Industrial Complex, I have allowed a small amount of fear to creep back into my life. I was a top performer for 16 years at my old job, so I think it's only natural for me to have some performance anxiety about my role, but I don't want that anxiety to negatively impact my ability to execute. So for 2013, I need to harness my fear, uncertainty and doubt about my own abilities and turn it into drive, passion, and competence. 
3. I need to make sure I take some time for myself. In between my travel schedule to the Vestibule of Hell, resuming my studies at the University of Denver, pursuing one professional certification a quarter, and spending time with and helping my friends and family, I will not have vast amounts of free time. For me, this usually leads to a bout of depression and anxiety, which I'd really like to forestall, if I can.

I think that's enough for one year. Yes, it is. 

This I Believe - 2013

I believe in doing my duty.

When I was in the Navy, "duty" was a word that was thrown around on a daily basis. Being on duty meant you were the "on deck crew" - a cadre of sailors and officers who remained on the ship for a 24 hour period who could get the ship underway in case of an emergency without having to wait for the rest of the crew to be recalled. Most considered it a necessary evil, just a part of being in the Armed Forces.

But being on duty is not at all the same as doing my duty.

For me, duty is an obligation I impose on myself. It's the promise I make to be the kind of person I aspire to be, to personify the qualities that I admire in others, to keep my word, to give good value for the money I earn, to treat those whom I invite into my life in a way that will make me proud at the end of my life rather than otherwise.

When I was a younger woman, I would sometimes see duty as something that was imposed from the outside. Duty was something I owed to other people, people who oftentimes attempted to define what I owed without my consent. This perception had a tendency to lead to resentment and a deep-seated resistance surrounding others' expectations. It took me many years to discover and internalize the idea that duty was something I took on voluntarily. And because the promise is always one I make to myself rather than to others, I'm the only one who can determine where my duty lies and if and when I've fulfilled it.

Making a commitment to doing my duty provides me with a yardstick on which to base my behavior. It allows me to determine a correct course of action based not on how I feel at that exact moment, possibly influenced by depression or despair, but by my considered, voluntarily accepted obligations. I may reconsider whether or not I have a duty to a specific individual, but not in the moment, and not without long and thoughtful consideration.

I believe that doing my duty - as I define it - is a cornerstone of an ethical life.