My Brain is an Asshole

Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I've had insomnia for the last thirteen years. It was a byproduct of my quitting smoking, because evidently I was self-medicating my anxiety disorder with cigarettes, and when I stopped smoking, my anxiety manifested itself as insomnia. Whee.

After suffering for years, my good friend NeuronDoc gave me a stern talking-to about seeking medical attention for, you know, medical conditions, and I started taking a low-grade anxiety medication at night called Trazadone. The angels sang, I started sleeping through the night on a semi-regular basis, and all was right with the world.

Except that the medication only works when things are going well. As soon as additional stress, depression or anxiety are introduced into my life, it stops working and I'm back to being up for hours in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. This has been the case for most of January - I think I've slept through the night three times this month.

This is because my brain is an asshole.

Even though my doctor allows me to increase the dosage of my meds when my life explodes in my face, my brain has decided that it will no longer submit to the seductive wiles of that sexy Trazadone, and will instead hold a brain party, each and every night, racing from topic to topic for hours. I've been using the techniques my sleep hygiene specialist taught me, but alas and alack, my brain is an ego-maniacal buttwad who refuses to submit and insists on dictating the terms of my sleep. Because apparently I'm not the boss of my asshole brain. 

11 comments:

Stacey said...

Honey, I'm so sorry. I feel your pain. You know it's bad when you wake up and realize you got a whole 4 hours in one block and rejoice like you won the lottery. Hang in there.

Phiala said...

I have no trouble falling asleep, ever. What I can't do if I'm stressed or anxious is stay asleep. Stupid fucking 3am.

Random Michelle K said...

Can your doctor give you a short term med to get you through the stress?

I can take my anxiety meds a couple times a week if need be (and did during stressful periods). Maybe if you could get a good nights sleep that itself help your anxiety?

Janiece said...

Phiala, that's my trouble as well, except 2 a.m. is when the party starts around here.

Michelle, most of the sleep meds available are highly addictive, which is just SO NOT A GOOD IDEA for me. I suspect that when the stress recedes, my sleep troubles will, too.

John the Scientist said...

Oh, yeah, stay the fuck away from benzodiazepenes if you have any family history of addictions at all.

Carol Elaine said...

Whereas once I'm asleep, I usually stay asleep. It's the initial falling asleep that can be a bitch for me.

When it gets really bad is when I pull out the Ativan, usually because lack of sleep throws me into a minor panic attack. A couple of times I found myself relying on it too many nights in a row,so I made a point of paring it way the hell back, because of addiction concerns (which does run in my family).

Janiece, our brains are total assholes.

Janiece said...

CE, if I wasn't so attached to the damn thing, I'd TOTALLY trade it in on a new model.

David said...

Well, you could just get rid of it and go into politics.

Shawn Powers said...

The older I get, the more devastating insomnia is the following day, too. I'm back to sleeplessness a couple nights a week, but nothing nearly as bad as you're going through.

I wish I could do more than shake my fist at your brain and tell it to get off your sleep lawn. (There's a metaphor in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to parse it out)

Random Michelle K said...

The Ativan, like CE uses, and which I take when needed, is what I was thinking, as opposed to a sleep aid.

It calms me down and tells my brain to STFU, but it one of the least addictive anxiety meds (that was a big issue with me, as well). It seems what you need is more a boost to the STFU asshole brain drug, rather than a sleeping aid.

I hope you get out of this funk soon.

mom in northern said...

My Doc has blessed my recovery and so now with my own efforts and the approval of the OT and PT folks here I will get to bail out of this place. You passed you latest quiz so the stress level should begin of ease off some...
Love ya..