Stalky Stalking Stalkers

Monday, September 21, 2020

As many of you may know, this year was the first time in my life that I chose to donate money to political campaigns in support of the candidates I want to win. I haven't done it in the past for a variety of reasons, including:

  • I don't think "campaign contributions" belong in politics. I believe the government should provide a set amount of money to each candidate for the duration fo their campaign, and that should be it. No Citizen's United bullshit, no big money donors, no billionaire self-funded dipshits buying the election, no buying the candidate's ear. If they win, each candidate should have an equal obligation to every constituent in their area of responsibility, and no one should have to pay for that obligation through political contributions. I'm such a dreamer. 
  • I knew, I knew, that if I chose to donate in spite of my misgivings, the campaigns in question would become Stalky McStalkersons, inundating me constantly with requests for more money, in spite of the fact that I already know how much (and when) I'll be making additional donations to the campaigns I care about. 
But I believe this election cycle is the most important one of my lifetime, and I strongly feel the Republic is in jeopardy. So rather than tacitly agreeing to live in a Banana Republic where our fearless leader (or his whackadoodle son) wears a funny hat for the rest of my life, I sucked it up and made modest contributions to several candidates of my choice. 

Crap on a cracker, I was SO RIGHT. 

As an experiment, I started keeping track of how often the campaigns I contributed to contacted me to beg for more money. These statistics are from September 11 through September 18th, and for what should be obvious reasons (have you met me?) only include Democratic candidates. But there is no doubt in my military mind that the Republicans are doing exactly the same thing to their own donors. 

Amy McGrath9
Mark Kelly12
John Hickenlooper29
Biden/Harris29

As you can see, Hick and Biden/Harris campaigns are the Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner in the Stalky McStalkerson Sweepstakes, with a whopping 29 communications in just a seven day period.* For those who are math-challenged, that's a little over four communications a day, every day. 



And politicians wonder why people of good conscience don't want to donate to their campaigns. BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT REPRESENTATIVES OF ACTBLUE OR ACTRED OR WHATEVER PEERING IN THEIR WINDOWS AT NIGHT TO SEE WHEN YOU'LL DONATE AGAIN, THAT'S WHY.

________

*Disclaimer: These values do not include phone calls, because I just don't answer calls from numbers that are not in my contact list. I also only received one SMS from each candidate because I opted out after the first ones, which to their credit, they respected. So the ACTUAL number of attempts would be far higher were this a scientific poll with a control group. Which it's not. 

The Notorious RBG

Saturday, September 19, 2020

 
Last night's news of RBG's death has affected me in so many ways. 

First and foremost, I grieve the death of this amazing woman, and for her family. She was just...amazing. She had a towering intellect and a tenaciousness that defied societal expectations of her time. Her will was without parallel, and she was the one of the first Social Justice Warriors, with all that implied. Someone to aspire to, who worked with compassion and dignity her entire life to make life better for those without her natural gifts and her privilege. 

An amazing legacy of a life well-lived. 

So of course the Republicans will do everything they can to fuck it up, which brings us to my next emotion. Pure, unadulterated, rage. 

Of course, Mitch McConnell decides to announce that tRump's nominee (whoever that will be, but probably not a woman, because Ladybrains are not fit to decide important matters) will in fact get a hearing and a vote in the Senate during the latter part of this election year. Of course. 

Of course, the nominee will almost certainly be a bootlicking conservative of the same ilk as Brett Cavanaugh. Because tRump learned his lesson with Justice Gorsuch, with whom I don't agree politically, but nevertheless is dedicated to the rule of law and is beholden to no one. Not so Cavanaugh, an ass-kissing sycophant and possible rapist. Yeehaw. 

Of course, the newly stacked court will probably overturn cases that benefit minorities and oppressed people, cases that RBG spent her entire life championing, because fuck poor people, the BIPOC communities, women and the LGBTQ community. Fuck them. 

I'm going to quote my buddy Eric here on the impending doom of the next Associate Justice selection, because he's so very eloquent and encapsulates my feelings perfectly:

Of course McConnell is going to allow a vote. The Garland thing was obvious bullshit. Calling him a hypocrite is meaningless--he doesn't care. He has no shame. He has no pride. He has nothing but a cynical, nihilistic desire to win and ethics, morals, and principles have nothing to do with it. He doesn't care.

And for all my loathing of the son of a bitch, the thing of it is that he's the scorpion who stings the frog, the thawed-out snake who bites the sweet old lady: he is what he is and that's all he is. It's the rest of the people who still identify as Republicans who are the problem at this point. Because, unlike McConnell, they think they care; they say they have principles and it's the other side who doesn't, even if these days the other side will (just for instance) shiv somebody like Al Franken and dump him over the side of the boat faster than you can say "decontextualuzed ratfucking" because we actually do mean what we say about things like #metoo however imperfectly we match words with deeds.

Don't fucking tell me you have principles, Republicans. You don't. Trump already proved it but Mitch is gonna double down on it. You don't actually give a runny shit about any principle except scoring and your only ethic is "owning the libs". I don't want to hear any more of your sad garbage, your whataboutism and your both sides and your but her emails and all the rest of it. Take your SCOTUS seat and whatever Federalist Society bootlicker the grifter nominates, and you better hope like hell you're wrong about what we do when we eventually win--because if we decide to start governing like you jagoffs instead of like people who really do care about what we believe, you're right fucked.

So say we all. 

And finally, I am scared-to-fucking-death. I fear for the Republic. I fear for my minority friends and family who will now be marginalized and persecuted even further. I fear for the norms and institutions that make America what it is, things such as civility (yes, I know that ship has sailed), honor (however little of it politicians possess), service to the public good, voting with intellectual rigor (another sailing ship), and concern for our fellow humans. Because the disregard of our laws and norms and lack of morality embodied by tRump and his lickspittle sycophants have a very real possibility of becoming what our country is about. And that's not okay.

This is some shameful shit

Tuesday, September 8, 2020

 

Prior to her death, our daughter Moe had a large circle of friends. People she knew from her various fandoms, from school, from the LGBTQ+ community. And three very special women she always referred to as "The Girls." 

She first got to know them because one of them was her father's girlfriend's daughter, and she always referred to Sarah as her sister. The other two, Be and Terra, were friends with Sarah. These girls have always had a special place in our hearts because of how much Moe-Moe loved them, and we've kept in touch over the years. 

Here comes the shameful shit. 

Now Terra requires surgery for a diagnosed medical condition and - surprise, surprise - her insurance won't pay for it. So she's trying to raise the money on her own, through sales of her art and other endeavors, and she's also created a GoFundMe page so folks can contribute to her surgery fund.* Of course we contributed, because as the Smart Man notes, "Anytime any of those girls or Linda need anything, the answer is always going to be yes." 

But how fucked up is it that a fully functional adult, who pays her own bills and helps support other family members, has to ask for money on GoFundMe to pay for a medically necessary procedure? Our medical system is nothing but a gouging, for profit, fucked up construct that cares not for patients, but only for the bottom line. Honestly, this makes me absolutely apoplectic with rage. To allow this level of corruption in what should be a guaranteed human right says so much about America's national character, and none of it is good. At all. So say we all. 

In any event, if anyone has a few extra bucks, I'd appreciate it if you'd give Terra and her family a hand. They're artists, and while they make ends meet with their Atomic Pixies business, there's nothing extra for emergencies or large expenses. 

Thanks, y'all. May the force be with you, and your life be filled with love and light. 


*She named the URL "Big Racks Break Backs," which should tell you all you need to know about her sense of humor. 


Things I don't understand - a non-comprehensive list

Friday, August 14, 2020


1. Why people like form fitting shirts when they exercise. Even with the moisture-wicking fabric, I find these garments to be intensely uncomfortable, because as soon as I start to sweat, they remind me of seaweed sticking to my skin after exiting the ocean. Ew. 

2. How people who claimed they "only" supported tRump because of the economy can now live with themselves as they come up with other excuses for supporting a bigoted, misogynistic, white supremacist megalomaniac who has overseen the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression. You might want to cover up, you guys. Your cognitive dissonance is showing, not to mention your intellectual dishonesty.

3. People eating broccoli. The Devil's weed. It even smells disgusting. ­čĄó

4. Why people put their ego above desired outcomes, especially when the outcome is a monetary one in a business environment. 

5. The idea that property is more important than people. 

6. Why it always seems like every woman who seeks to break a glass ceiling ("coincidentally") has one or more fatal flaws. And the older the person, the more likely they are to say, "It's not that I don't want a woman in the White House. I just don't want this woman." And you can substitute this for basically any woman who is in serious contention. You can protest your innocence all you want, people - it's still transparent. 

7. Why people still don't seem to give a shit about climate change. It's going to affect the human race in some pretty draconian ways - why don't we care more? Of course, a good percentage of Americans don't give a crap that the November election is being subverted as we speak, and that has more immediate consequences, so forget I asked.

Helping Others to Help Themselves

Monday, August 3, 2020

The memorial plaque at our local library
The memorial plaque at our local library
July 31, 2013 was the worst day of my life. It was the worst day of my life because that was the day the Police Department came to our home to tell us that our precious daughter Moe had died of suicide at the age of 22.

Moe died of uncontrolled mental illness. She experienced severe depression, and was under a doctor's care for her condition. But we lost her anyway, leaving a Moe-shaped hole in my heart that nothing is able to fill.

Every day I mourn her loss in this world, and I would give everything to have her here with us again. But I can't do that, so instead I choose to perform service projects in her memory such as being a good ally to the LGBTQ+ community, and donating money to institutions she cared about, like our local library foundation.

And I also support AFSP's mission in helping people who are at risk overcome their lack of hope and help those who have been affected by suicide.

This is the fourth year I've been up to participating in this event personally, but this will be the seventh year the Maureen's Marchers team is hitting the road in my baby girl's name on the annual Out of the Darkness Denver Metro Experience. The money raised in this event will go to fighting suicide and supporting AFSP's goal to reduce the suicide rate 20% by 2025. This goal is especially challenging in our current situation, where people are feeling isolated, anxious and uncertain of what the future will bring.

The danger of suicide is especially high within the LGBTQ+ community. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth aged 15 to 24 and the third leading cause of death among youth aged 10 to 14. Among youth who identify as sexual minorities, the likelihood of death by suicide has been estimated to be two to seven times greater than the likelihood of death by suicide among heterosexual youth. These kids need help, and it's up to us to provide it in any way we can.

Please help us honor our lost, beloved Moe-Moe and consider donating to the AFSP. All donations are 100% tax deductible and benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), funding research, education, advocacy, and support for those affected by suicide. The AFSP is a Charity Navigator 4 star charity, and they spend 83.6% of their total budget on program expenses.

You can donate to the AFSP by clicking on the donation badge on the right, or you can go directly to my fundraising page. This year I'm offering incentives for donations at the $50, $100, $200, and $500 range, including hand-knitted items in the colors of your choice to keep you warm this winter. 

"When you are sorrowful look again at your own heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~ Khalil Gibron

Thank you for your support!




On the 7th Anniversary of Your Death

Friday, July 31, 2020

I'm really struggling this year. 

The times when I feel I just can't accept the reality of your death are more frequent this year, and right now I literally cannot remember a time when I wasn't grieving for you, and for myself. I want to crawl out of my own skin at the unfairness of it, at the grief that permeates every aspect of my life, at the pain of missing you every minute of every day. I can't stop crying, and this is the first time since the year following your death that I had to take time off work because I couldn't function at a high enough level to fake it through the day. 

The constant ache that represents your passing, along with the current state of the union and the isolation resulting from the COVID pandemic has pushed me into a full-blown depressive episode. I'm not sleeping, I can't concentrate, my aphasia is back. My desire to do anything, no matter how small, is nonexistent. 

I just don't understand. Why? Why couldn't you have come to someone, anyone, who loved you to tell them how bad you felt, how hopeless? Why couldn't you let us help you to find a way out of the darkness? When you weren't sick, I know you knew how much I loved you, how I would have done anything, LITERALLY ANYTHING, to save you, to defend you, including giving up my own life to save yours. Why didn't you tell me? 

I know depression lies, it lies like a motherfucker, and I know it was lying to you. I know you felt you were weak, that you just couldn't cut it as an adult, and I know you felt you were out of options. And I know that none of those things were true. I know that with the appropriate help, you could have gotten better, and lived your life as you were meant to live it, making the world better with your intellect, your passion, your drive. But depression robbed you of that future, robbed the world of your gifts, and robbed me of a daughter for whom I would have stormed the gates of hell armed with nothing more than my love for you and the ferocity that comes with being a mama bear. 

And I am so fucking angry. I'm angry that you were the one who had to struggle with mental illness to the point where your despair overtook you. I'm angry that you died alone and scared in an anonymous hotel room with a bag over your head, without those who loved you to comfort you and reassure you of our love. I'm angry that you didn't come to the end of a long, long life with your own family and friends surrounding you, celebrating a life well-lived, and a legacy anyone would be proud to have. I'm angry that I didn't see your pain, and your hopelessness, and your inability to see the truth about yourself and your own struggle. And I'm angry, so angry, that of all the families in the all world, losing a child to suicide is something that happened to us.

But I'm still not angry at you. I understand in my heart how much pain your were in, how hard you fought to hang on for the sake of those who loved you, how you just couldn't bear living anymore. Every day, my heart breaks for you in your final, hopeless days, knowing now what I didn't see then, and my heart breaks for me, robbed of my chance to save my baby girl from herself in the darkest days of her life. I know these things, and I know that the grief that is losing someone you love to mental illness is an equal opportunity tragedy, that every family and any family is at risk. 

But I still rail at the unfairness of it all. 

It's unfair that you're gone from my life, from the lives of everyone who loved you. It's unfair that you'll never know romantic love, the experience of sharing decades of your life with someone who is on your side, no matter what. It's unfair that you'll never know the love, the joy, the crushing responsibility, the pride that is parenthood. It's unfair that you'll never find your life's work, or have the chance to dedicate your life to a vocation, or experience the pride that comes from being at the top of your field. It's unfair that I'll never meet your partner, your children, your grandchildren. It's unfair that I'll never be whole again, that I will spend the rest of my life being broken by the grief that is the result of your illness. 

I love you. I'll love you every day for the rest of my life, with a grief so crushing that some days it takes my breath away and narrows my world to a tiny dot of pain that burns with the heat of a thousand suns. 

I miss you. I miss you so much sometimes I feel like it's killing me by inches. My baby girl, who I couldn't save, and whose loss I can't accept. 

What the Fuck, America?

Monday, July 27, 2020


Recently I swore off Facebook until after the election is over. Depending on the outcome, and how people react to that outcome, I may stay off there forever.

I have very complicated feelings about politics in America right now for a variety of reasons. Like most Americans, I'm on edge due to the continuing pandemic restrictions (even though I agree with them 100%). This time of year is very tough for me, due to the proximity of the anniversary of my daughter's death. And I've now completely lost my patience with 45, his supporters, and his lickspittle hacks.

Seriously, I just don’t get it. At all. How can people not see where this is going? Are they stupid? Willfully ignorant? So enamored of the criminal in the White House they think he can do no wrong?

The most recent egregious abuse of power is occurring in - surprise, surprise - cities with Democratic leadership. I'm sure everyone by now knows that 45 has deployed his tRumpTroopers to "quell unrest" in these cities, against the wishes of the state and local government. They're using rubber bullets, tear gas (currently illegal in armed conflict with other countries, per the Geneva convention, but apparently okey-dokey against your own citizens), pepper spray, batons, and currently the pi├Ęce de r├ęsistance, hooding people, kidnapping them off the street, and taking them to an "undisclosed location." Yes, I said "kidnap." These people are taken into custody by federal officers without identification, they're not read their rights under Miranda vs. Arizona, and not charged. What do you call it?

There is a not insignificant portion of Americans who think this turn of events is just dandy, thank you very much. If they don't want to have chemical weapons used against them, then stay off the streets! If they don't want to be beaten, kidnapped, and terrorized, then they should just agree to stop protesting against...the abuse of power by law enforcement. Oh, the irony.

Of course, I strongly suspect their reactions would be very different if it was a Democratic President pulling this stunt against cities with Republican leadership. Like, say...white gun "enthusiasts" conducting an armed protest against a capital building, for example. But the tRumpTroopers are nowhere to be seen when that happens. And that's just dandy, thank you very much!

Here's the thing about these shenanigans. As a liberal, I would be horrified if any president, regardless of political affiliation, engaged in such an abuse of power. Why? Because this is a common move of regimes engaged in the process of fascism. Fascism isn't a belief system or a political opinion. It's a process of normalizing what would have been considered unthinkable. And in order to do this, it uses five strategies to get to the end result:
And then, finally, calling for law and order solutions to self-inflicted problems (tRumpTroopers in liberal cities).

The pattern is clear. So clear. And yet, people continue to believe the far right whackadoo news reports. They'll keep on believing them, until, as the poem by Martin Niemoller says, "Then they came for me."

Four years ago I had a deep and abiding anger over a minority of this country's population electing such a terrible human being. If he wins again, I just don’t know how I’m going to feel about his supporters. There’s just no excuse for not seeing him for who he is at this point, and supporting him means you support a fascist regime for the U.S., as well as a truly horrible person with limited mental capacity and no concern for anything other than his own ego.  

Supporting fascist regimes is not why I chose to don the uniform of this country those many years ago, and it’s getting harder and harder not to take other people’s politics personally. If they think that megalomaniac is the best choice for our country, then what else do they believe?

I believe that American politics are based on compromise. Americans of good conscience can disagree about the role of government in our lives. In fact, the Republic is built on this dynamic, which in the past, has kept us from moving too far in one direction or the other. Sometimes the Republicans win, and sometimes the Democrats win. It's the nature of the beast, the nature of American politics.

However, it's not about politics or policy anymore, and it’s not about Republicans and Democrats. It's about morals and values. Americans of good conscience should not disagree about whether or not it's appropriate for the President's Gestapo to hood and kidnap people off the street and take them to undisclosed locations without due process or mirandizing them. Americans of good conscience should not disagree about whether or not it's appropriate for our head of state to tell 20,000 verifiable lies about public matters in 3.5 years. Americans of good conscience should not disagree about whether or not it's acceptable for our President to abrogate the Constitution whenever he damn well feels like it. Americans should at least have a common dedication to the rule of law and a representative democracy.

But we don't.

Instead we find a large percentage of our country willingly sliding into fascism on the back of a cult of personality, white fragility, victimhood, nationalism, fear and bigotry. And there is no compromise when the choice is our representative democracy on the one hand and a totalitarian, fascist regime on the other.  There is only the side of the patriots, and the side of the fascists.

How has it come to this? What the fuck, America?

________

Also: Here's an interesting read from the UCF's resident Historian, Dr. David. Because punching Nazis is always the right thing to do.