Saving those who cannot save themselves

My favorite picture of Moe, cosplaying Belle from Beauty and the Beast

As most of my readers know, I lost my daughter to suicide in 2013. It's been nine long years since we lost her, and I'm as sorrowful today as I was the day she died. 

Moe died of uncontrolled mental illness. She experienced severe depression, and was under a doctor's care for her condition. But we lost her anyway, leaving a Moe-shaped hole in my heart that nothing is able to fill.

Every day I mourn her loss in this world, and I would give everything to have her here with us again. But I can't have that, so instead I choose to perform service projects in her memory such as being a good ally to the LGBTQ+ community, and donating money to institutions she cared about, like our local library foundation.

And I also support  AFSP's mission in helping people who are at risk overcome their lack of hope and help those who have been affected by suicide.

This is the sixth year I've been up to participating in this event personally, but this will be the ninth year the Maureen's Marchers team is hitting the road in my baby girl's name on the annual Out of the Darkness Denver Metro Walk. The money raised in this event will go to fighting suicide and supporting AFSP's goal to reduce the suicide rate 20% by 2025.

The danger of suicide is especially high within the LGBTQ+ community. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth aged 15 to 24 and the third leading cause of death among youth aged 10 to 14. Among youth who identify as sexual minorities, the likelihood of death by suicide has been estimated to be two to seven times greater than the likelihood of death by suicide among heterosexual youth. These kids need help, and it's up to us to provide it in any way we can.

Please help us honor our lost, beloved Moe-Moe and consider donating to the AFSP by clicking the "Donate" button on this page. All donations are 100% tax deductible and benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), funding research, education, advocacy, and support for those affected by suicide. The AFSP is a Charity Navigator 4 star charity, and they spend 83.1% of their total budget on program expenses.

"When you are sorrowful look again at your own heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~ Khalil Gibron

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Maureen's Marchers, Walking the Good Walk

Had the pandemic not occurred, today would have been the day our American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraising team, Maureen's Marchers, would have been at Coors Field for this annual event. But 2020 had other plans since it was evidently sent by Cthulhu to test American mettle. 

Yet, I still try to follow Mr. Rogers' advice, and look for the helpers. And nowhere are the helpers more evident than when our fundraising team seeks donations for suicide prevention. 

For the second year in a row, I am the number one fundraiser for the Denver Metro Walk (this year called an "Experience") on the day of the walk, and Maureen's Marchers is the the number one fundraising team by respectable margins. 

This year has been especially difficult since so many folks are out of work and have little to spare. Which makes the donations we did receive that much more meaningful. 

Thank you to ALL our donors, especially the anonymous donors who we are not able to thank directly. Your willingness to continue to support this cause means the world to us, as we try to turn this unimaginable tragedy into something worthwhile. Love to you all. 

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The donation pages will be active for a couple of months following the event, so if you choose to donate even after today, you can do so here. 

Walking the Walk

It's that time of year. Time for the annual Out of the Darkness Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and once again, me and my family will be walking to raise money in our daughter's name.
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Moe-Moe with our niece

July 31, 2013 was the worst day of my life. It was the worst day of my life because that was the day the Police Department came to our home to tell us that our precious daughter Moe had died of suicide at the age of 22.

Moe died of uncontrolled mental illness. She experienced severe depression, and was under a doctor's care for her condition. But we lost her anyway, leaving a Moe-shaped hole in my heart that nothing is able to fill.

Every day I mourn her loss in this world, and I would give everything to have her here with us again. But I can't do that, so instead I choose to perform service projects in her memory such as being a good ally to the LGBTQ+ community, and donating money to institutions she cared about, like our local library foundation.

And I also support  AFSP's mission in helping people who are at risk overcome their lack of hope and help those who have been affected by suicide.

This is the third year I've been up to participating in this event personally, but this will be the seventh year the Maureen's Marchers team is hitting the road in my baby girl's name on the annual Out of the Darkness Denver Metro Walk. The money raised in this event will go to fighting suicide and supporting AFSP's goal to reduce the suicide rate 20% by 2025.

The danger of suicide is especially high within the LGBTQ+ community. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth aged 15 to 24 and the third leading cause of death among youth aged 10 to 14. Among youth who identify as sexual minorities, the likelihood of death by suicide has been estimated to be two to seven times greater than the likelihood of death by suicide among heterosexual youth. These kids need help, and it's up to us to provide it in any way we can.

Please help us honor our lost, beloved Moe-Moe and consider donating to the AFSP by clicking this "Donate" link. All donations are 100% tax deductible and benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), funding research, education, advocacy, and support for those affected by suicide. The AFSP is a Charity Navigator 3 star charity, and they spend 83.7% of their total budget on program expenses.

"When you are sorrowful look again at your own heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~ Khalil Gibron

Thank you for your support!

Maureen's Marchers - A Labor of Love

July 31, 2013 was the worst day of our lives. On that day, the Parker Police Department came to our home to tell us that our daughter Moe had taken her own life the night before.

The following year is basically a blur to me, hazy with the overwhelming intensity of my sadness and grief. I don't remember much about it, other than wishing my new reality away and waking each morning with a heaviness in my heart that I knew would never go away.

And I remember one other thing. The incredible way in which our family and friends lifted us up with love, provided a light at the end of the most horrifying tunnel in the world, and provided a solid point of emotional stability in a world that was dark and heavy on even the best of days. I am forever grateful to those who cared for us in that time, and they, along with the Smart Man, saved my sanity that year.

Two of the friends who made such a huge difference in our lives during that time are Sister Stacey and Brother J.R.. Sister Stacey was the first one on the scene (in spite of living over 1,500 miles away), and her compassionate, level-headed presence eased the most horrifying days of my life. The following year, they came to our home to help us recognize Christmas, and establish new traditions and remembrance. We were very good friends before Moe died, but now they're family, in every sense of that word.

And once again this year they're participating in the Annual "Out of the Darkness Walk," benefiting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Westchester County, in our daughter's name. 

This is the third year they're walking in this event, and every year they choose to continue in my baby's honor makes me so very grateful that they're my brother and sister in this life and that they see fit to include us in their own family. 

So once again, I will ask my friends, family, and readers to consider a donation to the AFSP's important work in preventing suicide in my Moe-Moe's name. This tragedy can occur in any family, regardless of race, creed, orientation, or economic status, and I want so very much for no other parent to have to go through this most awful of circumstances.

You can pledge your donations at their Maureen's Marchers Fundraising Page. Thank you, Sister Stacey and Brother J.R.. Your continued support means more than you know.

On Suicide and Selfishness

Today marks the second anniversary of my daughter's death.

It's been two years since she chose to end her life, and I'm two years into my grief journey.

It's been a long two years. It's now easier for me to talk about. Sometimes I can even do so without crying. I can share memories of Moe with those who love her, and take pleasure in the sharing. I believe I've come to some level of understanding about her suffering, and why she felt she had to choose the path she did. I'm far enough along that I feel ready to write about it, while recognizing that I'm not done, not by a long shot.

Based on my reading and conversation with other suicide survivors, I understand that many people become very angry when a loved one chooses to end their life. Survivors consider the victim to be "selfish," and curse them for inflicting such horrible pain.

I've never felt that way.

The thing that eats at my heart and brings me to tears is imagining the depth of Moe's suffering. How bad must her inner life have been that she would take such a drastic measure?  How lacking in hope, how intense her pain that she would remove herself from the world, knowing the pain it would cause to those who love her? It breaks my heart to think she was hurting this much, and also knowing that her depression lied to her about the availability of help and of hope. I would have cashed in my life savings, sold our home and lived on the streets to pay for her treatment, if that's what it took. I suspect she knew this, and didn't think she was worth it. Which breaks my heart all over again.

But I'm not angry, nor do I think she was selfish. She knew how this decision would affect those who loved her. She had been thinking about this for months, and held on as long as she could because she knew that taking her life would "make Momma and Poppa and Linda cry." She held on as long as she could, not for her own benefit, but for ours. 

In my mind, my own insistence that she continue to suffer in this horrific fashion to benefit my own happiness would be the act of selfishness. Who damns their own child to a life of suffering and pain so that they don't have to hurt?


Would I have rather she received the treatment she needed so she could have come out of the darkness and into the light? I can't even tell you how much I wish this. Every day, I grieve for her lost potential, for her light that has been extinguished in the world. Every day, I grieve for that lost outcome, and curse myself for not seeing the depth of her suffering. But I know she couldn't see the truth of the matter. In her mind, she was going to feel that way forever, with no reprieve or hope of recovery.

And because I know she felt that way, I cannot be angry with her, or consider her selfish. She wanted to end her suffering. I can now acknowledge and understand that fundamental truth of her life. And so when I think about my lost Moe, I feel sadness, and regret, and love, and loneliness. But not anger.

Eventually, I hope to reach a point where I'm emotionally strong enough to participate in suicide prevention activism. Not today. Probably not this year. But someday.