Hello darkness, my old friend

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Sometimes it sneaks up on me. Depression, that is. Sometimes there's some sort of triggering event, like the anniversary of Moe's death, or continuous emotional stress for long periods of time. But sometimes, it just sneaks in through the cracks of my life and settles in.

I'm not really sure why this happens. If I knew, I suppose I could try and apply some sort of prophylactic behavior to head it off. But I don't, so the best I can do is try and recognize it early when it comes, and do the things I know I need to do in order to get through the episode.

Some of these things are obvious. Getting enough sleep. Trying to eat well. Getting more exercise than I normally would. Removing emotional stresses from my life to the extent possible. Attempting to keep my mind in the "now." Practicing gratitude.

But mostly it's just a waiting game. I have to wait for it to pass. This was much harder before I was diagnosed, since I had no idea why I felt so shitty all the time. But now I know, and that allows me to apply some emotional maturity and intellectual discernment to the process. I know this will pass. I know I won't always feel this way. I know when I come out the other side I won't be as emotionally raw and fragile. I know this in spite of the lies depression tells, and I know this because people who care for me tell me it's true, and I choose to believe them.

Not believing them, or believing depression's lies, leads to a dark, dark road, and many people get lost. Their depression is so overwhelming, so consuming, the only thing they can hear is the lies it tells. I'm not valuable. I can't make it on my own. People are better off without me. This is just too hard.

In spite of my occasional episodes, I am very lucky to be able to wait it out. And I'm grateful.

5 comments:

Scot Morton said...

It's true.

Steve Buchheit said...

People will point to an event to say, "this is why." Nope, you're body and brain are the why, the rest is coincidence. Take care of yourself, Janiece. You aren't the only one in this room. At least we're to the point we can feel it coming on and recognizing the signs when we're in it.

Stacey said...

Love you my sistah <3

Anne C. said...

Thank you for sharing this so clearly. It helps me to know what is going on so I can try to be there as one of the voices to believe, not just for you, but for others

Michelle K said...

I love you.

If there was a reason, it'd be "I'm sad because" not depression, yes?

Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor when things fall upon you. That's why we love health insurance.


((HUGS))