Back in the Day

Saturday, June 19, 2010
When I was growing up, I was involved in a horse related youth group called "Westernaires." It was a mounted drill group, with various specialty groups. I was a member for over nine years, and spent an enormous percentage of my childhood and teen years with this group.

The experience itself is rather hard to explain to outsiders. Like many volunteer organizations, Westernaires is somewhat incestuous by nature, and yet I spent so much time there it became the backdrop of my life until I left for the Navy. I met and worked with some amazing people during those years, and I also met and worked with some people that probably should have been hit in the face with a shovel. Very much like life, in fact.

And last night was our mini-reunion.

It took me quite a long time to make the decision to attend this event and join the accompanying Facebook page. In the years since I graduated from Westernaires, my life has changed dramatically not once, but several times, and each time I have reinvented myself and molded a new life. Granted, the impetus for many of those changes have been the fallout of my own stupid decisions, but the fact is still that I'm not the same person I was when I was eighteen.* I finally have a life of which I'm proud, and consider myself a success by the measures I consider important.

So you'd think I would be anxious to go and "compare notes" with the individuals with whom I grew up. Instead, my attitude was one of "meh."

The part of my life that was Westernaires is over. I never had any desire to return as a volunteer. I never had any desire to involve the Smart Twins in the organization. My own feelings about my experiences there are extremely complex, and almost entirely ambivalent. I recognize that my experiences there helped to shape my life and who I am, but I've also had over 25 years of additional experiences, some of which were vastly more influential.

But I made the decision to join the group, and attend the reunion. And I'm glad I did.

I was able to reconnect with a couple of people with whom I had profound personal relationships in my youth. I was able to catch up with people I always liked in a casual way, but lost track of. I made arrangements to have lunch with someone who (it turns out) works in my field, and has a similar outlook on life. And I didn't feel compelled to hit anyone in the face with a shovel.

It's true that you can't go back in time, which is a profoundly good thing. But I learned last night that I can enjoy reminiscing about a part of my life that's over. Even if the experience in question wasn't 100% positive, that doesn't mean revisiting it needs to be an occasion for discomfort or bitterness. I've never been very good at acknowledging the past in a way that entirely puts it to bed, and taking this step turned out to be one of personal growth for me.

It seems unlikely that I will establish the kinds of close relationships with these people that we enjoyed in our childhoods or teens. Too much has happened, in all of our lives, to make that kind of "going back" realistic or even necessarily desirable. But integrating the various parts of my own life in a way that gives me a better understanding of who I am and where I came from can't be anything but a good thing.

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*When I shared these feelings with one of the organizers, her response was, "Who is?" Um, yes. Good point. I recognize that it's not all about me. But since this is my blog, this entry is.

3 comments:

Anne C. said...

I've found that these types of reunions are (for me) less about "remembering the good times," and more about having my perceptions challenged. The first high school reunion I went to, I really enjoyed speaking to people I had previously thought weren't interested in talking to me.
(My youth was full of idiotic misperceptions of myself, so I have a lot of material to be challenged there.)

Juan Federico said...

Cool post. Thank you for sharing:)

Karl said...

I'd have a hard time at any reunion. My graduating class only had 3 other people, none of whom I've spoken to since. No organizations from those days to speak of, and no memberships in anything. Yeah, small town... Getting together with the few friends I still have from my military days would be more like a tailgater than a reunion, and we could just about all fit in the same vehicle. :)