Hello, little Monkey. Aren't you cute?

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

So I've been studying for this thrice damned certification exam for the last month. I was supposed to have it completed by today, the last day of October, in order to meet one of my performance objectives.

So I signed up to take it on October 24th, thinking that if I bombed it, I'd have another week to remediate, and then I could take it again and still make my deadline.

I bombed it.*

Given who I am, this type of event is very difficult for me. It made me feel physically ill, and I shed a few tears in my disappointment. You see, I have a lamentable tendency to conflate my worth as a human being with my professional achievement, and while I think I've made progress in separating these things, I slip when something untoward happens. Which means I have a hard time keeping the stories I tell myself positive and forward-thinking.

So I dropped my entire life, canceled all my plans, and did basically nothing but study for the next week so that I could take the exam again. I scheduled the appointment for yesterday, and felt reasonably prepared both prior to my arrival at the testing center and also while I was taking the exam itself.

I missed the passing score by .7%.

The stories I started telling myself  went from bad to worse, of course. I questioned my decision to leave my old, soul-crushing gig for my new, fabulous job, since at least I was competent at the old job. I wondered what the hell my new boss was thinking, hiring me to do this work when I'm not even smart enough to pass a stupid certification exam. I speculated when I'll be given notice to find employment elsewhere, obviously in the fast food service industry, since that's all I'm qualified for. And (best of all!) I started questioning every personal decision I've ever made, berating myself over every failure in relationship and judgement in my life to date.**

Once I stopped crying, I had to tell my boss, with whom I have limited history, that I had failed to meet my certification objective for my first quarter of employment. By .7%. His response? He told me he was sorry that I had come so close, and since he was positive I would achieve the goal in short order, he was probably going to leave my performance review intact. So I cried some more, not only because I can't seem to get this damned monkey off my back, but also because people are sometimes kinder than I anticipate.

So. Onward and upward. I still feel like shit, but I'm back to studying, and will try again next week. 

___________
*Okay I didn't bomb it. But I failed to achieve a passing score, which is all that matters with these types of exams. Pass or fail, no "also-rans."

**Yes, I do realize how very much this falls into the "overreacting" category, especially in light of recent events on the East Coast. I have no perspective, I'm aware of that, and I'm working on it, while simultaneously trying not to throw up. This is an aspect of my usually-under-control depression and anxiety that periodically raises its ugly-ass head. I think that stupid monkey brings it along when he visits.

11 comments:

Stacey said...

First let me say how sorry I am that it didn't go well yesterday. As you know, the certification doesn't make you competent. You are already competent. There's a difference between testing and reality. But I know that doesn't make you feel any better. I have hugs for you when you are ready and of course, liquor.

mom in northern said...

save the liquor until after you pass . . .then make it champagne. You can do this....

The Mechanicky Gal said...

Obviously the questions on this exam are tricks. Developed by some ass that has no idea of what is important.
Obviously.

Stacey said...

MG - Spot On! Actually, I think a little liquor to unwind is not a bad idea AT ALL.

Alex said...

From my experience many of these certifications are only partially intended to show your expertise on the said item being tested against. I have talked to lots and lots of people who fail the first or second time. I have also heard rumors that some companies adjust their certification if more than a certain percentage taking it pass it to make it harder just so they can keep the reputation and continue to get the cost of taking the test being a repeat income.

So don't berate yourself too much for not having passed it the first, or even second time. Sadly it has become the price of doing business with certain companies.

Janiece said...

Alex, you nailed it in one.

Eric said...

You can absolutely do this, Janiece. Be strong, and if it helps: lots of people have faith in you, faith you've earned.

Phiala said...

What Alex said. And I'm sorry and think it sucks that corporate greed has caused you so much stress and cost so much time.

I'm glad I'm in a position where I can be hired and hire people based on qualifications rather than certifications: it's more work for me and HR, but sidesteps an awful lot of stupidity.

We all know you're more than competent, it's just the stupid test. Bah.

Steve Buchheit said...

Sorry you missed by so little a margin. That totally sucks. And the backwash form it also sucks. We know you can do it, Janiece. My guess is you're getting in your own way.

Also, so you know you're not alone. Just took a comprehensive mid-term (not two hours ago). I know I missed 2 (out of 66). I can only miss 3 and still keep an A. If I've done the math, my current grade is a 93.5%. I need a 94% to get an A. I've spent this past week wondering if I'm intentionally sabotaging myself to keep from all this work. Now, I've probably only missed 3 on this test, and that should bring me up to 94% (mid-term was worth 2x as much as previous point totals). But still. Only a B? I'm killing myself because I'll only get a B.

You can make that last 0.7% Janiece, probably by just retaking the test right now. Don't beat yourself up too hard. If certification were easy, they'd let anybody do this stuff.

- CGL - said...

GAH. Janiece, I am so sorry. Tests may be designed to measure many things ... But the thing they will always measure most accurately is how well can you take THIS TEST on THIS DAY? (Bonus points to the exam writers if they make you leave the room feeling as if your brain is a grapefruit which has been halved, then squeezed.)

It sounds as if you, Steve, and I may be in mental (dis?)harmony: I bonked a midterm today also. I ran out of time, failed to answer one question, and left the room realizing I had carried a math error through *three pages of calculations,* resulting in a kind of compound, faintly hilarious catastrophe (read: probable B or B- ... Except I really need an A or I will not be passed to the next section of this course and may never be gainfully employed in A Grownup Job). This would, of course, suck less if we were not functional, intelligent, diligent, capable people. I truly hate the way testing calls that certainty into question in such an insidious and hateful way. It is A Great Evil.

In a kind of Reverse Free Shit Friday notion, I am making up a care package for you. You are brilliant, determined, and will shortly be the reigning queen of that cert test's ass.

Courage!

Carol Elaine said...

Ditto to everyone above. Janiece, you KNOW you're an intelligent, highly competent person. And as crushing as this setback might seem, missing the passing score by .7% doesn't mean you're stupid, it means you were very, very close and will definitely nail it the next time out.

You can do this, Janiece. Never doubt that.