Birthday

Saturday, March 15, 2014
Today is your birthday. You would have been 23, had you lived, and I'm struggling.

I'm struggling because the world is an uglier place without you in it. It's dark, and mean, and riddled with my grief at your absence. I think about you every day, and my emotions are in such a turmoil I don't know which way is up. I still can't believe you're gone, and every night my subconscious rails against the reality of your death in my dreams. Every day I want to scream, and somehow change the outcome of your life.

I so desperately don't want this to be reality. I want to go back in time, and save you from yourself. I want to help you find your way back into the light, and I want you to recognize what an amazing, gifted human being you were, with so much to offer to the world. I want you to have lived a long, happy life, full of love and laughter, and to have known the love that comes with having kids of your own. I want you to be here, with us, and not forever lost to the world.

Our niece was here last week. At one point she looked at your picture and said, "That's Auntie Moe! We should go see Auntie Moe!" She's 3 - she doesn't understand. And I came undone, because I would give anything to be able to do that. I would give up my life, my heart - anything - for you to still be alive and to be able to go see you. 

But I can't. I'll never see you again. You'll never be older than 22. You're never coming back. Your light and love are gone from my life forever.

And I can't bear it. I can't bear the idea that your world was so dark, so full of despair, so without hope and vitality that you chose to leave your life of your own volition. I can't bear the thought that you felt this way, and didn't tell anyone. That you couldn't or wouldn't ask those who loved you most for help, for comfort. That taking your own life was really the only choice you felt you had left. I couldn't save you, and I miss you desperately, and I hate this. I fucking hate it.

I know that someday this won't hurt as much as it does right now. I know that eventually I'll be able to think of you fondly, with love, and joy, and gratitude that I had the chance to share your life, however briefly.

But that day is not today. Today I feel grief, and despair, and a desire to crawl out of my own skin in the hopes that this won't hurt as much if I do.

9 comments:

mom in northern said...

Ditto my love...
Love you very much...

mom in northern said...

Ditto my love...
Love you very much...

Anne C. said...

I love you, J. You are in my thoughts and I wish I could make it better. I wish that with all of my heart. Know that I am with you in spirit.

Lexy's HandMade Creations said...

Prayers and Hugs all around Luv.

Steve Buchheit said...

So sorry, Janiece. I wish there were a way for the rest of us to take on some of your grief so you didn't have to carry that heavy load, but know you don't do so on your own. Your friends love you.

Phiala said...

Love and strength to you, my friend.

John the Scientist said...

Peace to you, Janiece.

Random Michelle K said...

I love you.

I wish I could help you bear your burden.

Carol Elaine said...

Love and support always, my friend.

*infinite hugs*