Free Rent

I have a conundrum.

As recently noted by the observant Megan (a psychologist by training), I have a family member who is currently enjoying free rent in my mind. No, I don't care for this turn of events. No, I don't know what to do about it. Yes, I'd really like to resolve this situation and regain some mental peace.

Here's the deal. In the last year, I came to the conclusion that the best course of action for me was to make a break from a close member of my family. I have no doubt that this decision was appropriate and correct, nor do I doubt that the situation is permanent. When the single greatest characteristic a person displays in the context of relationships in an overwhelming selfishness, it seems unlikely that reconciliation is possible. Even if I had the capacity to invite her back into my life, the fact of the matter is that others' pain simply isn't a consideration in her behavior, and never has been.

So I made the decision, and I've accepted it. And yet -I can't let it go. Obviously.

Drama-Me* has middle-of-the-night conversations with Adult-Me, basically consisting of "She better hope she never needs a kidney!" Adult-Me would really like Drama-Me* to just shut the fuck up and let it go - it's over, there's nothing to be done, and dwelling on the situation serves no one.

But I don't. Because, quite frankly, Drama-Me* is simply enraged. 

I realize intellectually how very unproductive my anger is. It hurts no one but myself, and I've been working on letting it go for some time. I've read a couple of books on the subject, but I have to admit they didn't really suit me. Most of them posit that "God forgives you, so you should forgive whoever hurt you! Now let go of your anger, let's hold hands and skip through the daisies, lalala!" Yeah, not very helpful for a materialistic Atheist. In fact, it makes me want to heave, in spite of my hard-won knowledge that the way to peace is through forgiveness.

I know that this family member is simply a fundamentally broken human being. I've spent my entire life learning that lesson. Purging her from my life is the best thing for everyone, including her. But there's a part of me (Drama-Me, did I mention how I hate her?) that wants the family member in question to pay for a lifetime of selfishness and misdeeds. I know it's not my place to wish ill on someone else. I know what's right and moral in this situation. I know what's best for me and my mental health. I know my quality of life will improve once I achieve some emotional resolution. And yet, here I am. Still worrying the issues, unable to get past my anger, my grief, my sense of betrayal.

To be fair, I have been making progress. Those middle-of-the-night conversations with Drama-Me* are far shorter now than they were a year ago. I don't think about it every day unless something reminds me of it. But I still have significant work to do. Part of the work I'm carrying out here at HCDSM through my cryptic (and not so cryptic) writing. Most of the work will take place between my ears.

Eventually, I will execute an eviction.


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*I hate that bitch. Really - Drama-Me's values are completely fucked up.

2011 Flower Pr0n - The Front Yard's a'Blooming

Boogie Blogging Friday - Dumbass Edition

It wasn't my fault!

So I was walking the Boogie-Dog yesterday, and I noticed some broken glass on the sidewalk. Before I could pull him up, he got a piece in his mouth and started to chew.

This is not the smartest dog on the planet.

Luckily I was right there, so I grabbed his lower jaw, shoved my hand in his mouth and started rooting around for the glass. Eventually we got it out, but not before he had cut his tongue and gums with his shenanigans.

It's a good thing he's sweet. Dumbass.

Enter...The Pergola

So I was having a conversation with long-time pal and Sista From Another Mista The Mechanicky Gal the other day, and I swear, our lives are just one big example of entropy in action.
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The Mechanicky Gal: How's it going? We may be leaving the country for a year, but it's all good, because we'll be in the Middle East making a ton of money.

Me: Huh?

TMG: Yes, we'd be working in Bahrain, but we don't know if it's on or off. You know how it goes.

Me: Actually, I don't. It takes an enormous amount of work to have a life as boring as ours. You have to cultivate it.

TMG: So things are boring there?

Me: Not really. House guests coming and going, I may stab someone at work with a fork, we're dealing with young adult drama, and I need to make a real effort to give my mind a thorough housecleaning on this family shit once and for all. But that doesn't mean we don't try.

TMG: Understood. Drama-Me is always trying to shove her nose into my adult business.

Me: I KNOW. I hate that bitch.

TMG: So in other news, I tried to kill The Mechanicky Guy on Saturday.

Me: Wait...what?

THE KILLER PERGOLA

TMG: We've been building a pergola over the patio in the back yard, and on Saturday I dropped a beam on his head. I damn near knocked him out.

Me: Dude. You don't spend 25 years looking for the perfect companion and then bean him in the noggin with pergola parts. I LOVE The Mechanicky Guy - please don't kill him.

TMG: I KNOW. I SWEAR I broke his arm. As it was, it was just his thumb, and since he's taking muscle relaxers for his neck anyway, it may be that I didn't break it after all. I thought I could just lift it just a SMIDGEN and get the shims under it. Did I mention that it was 18 FEET long and 2" x 6"? Oh yeah, I'm not dropping KINDLING on my beloved's head, no way, only THE BEST.

Me: Poor Mechanicky Guy. I can't believe he puts up with us. On the bright side, I shall use this as a shining example of how the Smart Man should just COUNT HIS BLESSINGS, DAMNIT. At least I'm not trying to kill him with lumber.

TMG: True dat.

Me: I think you should decorate the new pergola with a Beyoncé Metal Chicken. THE MECHANICKY GUY WILL LOVE IT.

::cue crickets::
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I love my friends. 

What I Owe

Relationships are hard. Sometimes, relationships are really hard. But unless you're finding a cure for cancer or saving the world from mad men,* they're the most important thing about being human.

So being who I am, I spend a significant amount of time trying to determine what I owe those people in my life with whom I have a relationship. Because OBVIOUSLY I can't just wing it. That's just CRAZY TALK.

And the more I think about it, the more complex the answer becomes. Do I owe someone something simply by virtue of blood? How much blood is required before the obligation kicks in? Do I owe more to my "family by choice," because I accepted the obligation freely?  And what do you do about obligations to family members who turn out to be reprobates? My answers to these questions have changed as I've gotten older, and I suspect they'll continue to change.

I used to think that my obligation to my blood relatives was inviolate, but I got over that. That obligation is not inviolate. There are any number of things that would lead me to a decision to kick a family member to the relationship curb, and walk away with no regrets. If I'm related to people who are racists, who hold others in contempt simply by virtue of an accident of birth, who treat others badly as a matter of principle - and I am - then I can't see that I owe them anything at all. The most they deserve is a kick in the ass as they shut the door behind them. I've had to make that decision, and I can't say that I've regretted it. If you're a reprobate, you do not deserve my obligation, and I will not feel guilty about withholding it. The only exception to this is the obligation that I feel I owe to my children. They're always going to be my children, no matter what.

I used to think that relationships with blood relatives rather than friends was the cornerstone of my relationship matrix, and I got over that, too. While I have deep, meaningful, and long-term relationships with people to whom I'm related, I also have deep, meaningful, and long-term relationships with people I've met through serendipity, or chance, or mutual interests. I now realize that there's no special value to the blood relation based relationships compared to the family-by-choice relationships. A longer history may offer deeper roots with my relatives, but common interest, emotional support, and love often offers deeper commitment with my friends.

Now, in my midlife, I have come to the conclusion that my obligations to those with whom I choose to have a relationship are completely and utterly voluntary. And for me, they're at least partially dependent on whether or not the people I choose are willing partners in that relationship, whether or not they behave with kindness, with understanding, with compassion. And I accept the responsibility that I have the same obligation to them.


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*Not mutually exclusive.

Free Shit Friday Winner...

...of the Tiny Coach Bag is JstPam, with a random number of 1. Please send me your address, and I'll mail that off whenever I damn well feel like it. Enjoy!

2012 Flower Pr0n - Holyoke Edition