Political Primer

I misspoke.

1 : I told a big, fat, whomping lie, and either it was so egregious someone with a Middle School education caught it, or a journalist who takes their responsibilities seriously called me out on it.

2 : This is really how I feel about the subject at hand, but I'm going to deny it now because I've managed to offend such a large percentage of my constituency that failing to do so will mean I won't get what I want.

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I apologize if I offended anyone with my ill-considered remarks. 

1 : I'm sorry someone noticed that I'm a ginormous knob and told others about it.

2 : Fuck you.

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We need common sense solutions to our nation's problems.

1 : I'm going to support whichever solution gets me elected/reelected.

2 : Fuck the poor.

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We need to support the middle class.

1 :  I'm going to do whatever's required to ensure my richest constituents get what they want so that I can get elected/reelected.

2 : I'm going to execute on the Southern Strategy to ensure people vote against their own interests.

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God Bless America.

1 : I'm a right wing fundamentalist who honestly believes that men shared the earth with dinosaurs.

2 : I'm agnostic, but I'm going to say this shit anyway because this country will never elect someone like me. 

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America is the greatest nation on earth.

1 : America! Fuck yeah!

2 :  I'm trying to manipulate American exceptionalism in order to get my way. 

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I'm deeply proud of our men and women in uniform.

1 : Suckers!

2 : But my pride will not prevent me from sending them into an ill-considered conflict with substandard equipment, inadequate health care post-deployment, and minimal support for their families. 

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Enjoy the political season, Hot Chicks and Smart Men.