I Need a Better Class of Hate Mail

Thursday, March 1, 2012
I hardly ever get hate mail anymore.

It used to come in fits and starts. A pimply faced douche from South Dakota who thought he knew more about case law than an actual, you know, attorney. The Friends of Andrew Basiago, delirious lawyer. The Alt Med crowd always comes out in force when I demand actual, you know, proof for their unsubstantiated claims. And of course there were legal threats from the whackadoodles who were called out for their whacky ideas.*

But in the last year or two, this space has become a bit more reflective of what's going on in my head rather than my prior rantings about the world outside. Sort of a stream of consciousness type deal. Both styles have suited my purpose, but today I realize how I'M TOTALLY MISSING OUT, DUDE.

My friend Jim over at Stonekettle Station gets amazing hate mail. Seriously - this shit is not to be believed, and if I didn't know Jim better, I'd accuse him of pulling some of the spelling and grammar mistakes straight out of his ass. Go check it out - I'll wait.

I know, right? My personal favorite was the dude who contends that a woman having premarital sex means that She has already decided to let anybody into her uterus. Like a big old party! With bonfires in her fallopian tubes! Par-tay in Janiece's uterus, everyone!

I totally need to start getting a better class of hate mail here, if only for my own amusement. Which means I need to start blogging about topics that are more controversial than how grateful I am for my friends, and how cute my dog is, and how my personal journey of growth and acceptance makes me feel, blah, blah, blah.

So to that end, I'm going to start blogging about things like, "We should institute a mandatory abortion lottery," and "People should be euthanized involuntarily when they're 75," and "We should have a Constitutional Amendment mandating belief in evil-lution," and my personal favorite, "MANDATORY CONTRACEPTION AND SEX FOR EVERYONE WHEN THEY TURN 13."

I expect the whackadoos will come out the wood work then. Maybe I'll finally get some hate mail worth publishing here, like in the good ole days.


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*Yes, I am still waiting for the "Internet Authorities" to come SHUT ME DOWN FOREVER for my libel. Tick-tock, whackos. This place won't shut down on its own, you know.

13 comments:

Jeri said...

But what about the great aerobic workout you get swinging the shovel of doom?!? Oh, never mind, you can still swing the shovel, but after reading the lunatic rantings for your own enjoyment and possible posting for public ridicule. Actually, not a bad plan.

vince said...

I appreciate Jim's hate mail from a distance, but it makes me glad I have neither the readership or the blog posts that would attract such mail. Of course, the spam filter I use at the email server level would prevent pretty much all of the poorly-spelled hate mail Jim gets from ever reaching Outlook.

I also don't get people who send hate mail. What makes anyone think screaming at the author of a blog post would change his or her mind? Are they practicing an electronic version of EST? Do they think the "loudest" person wins?

Jeri said...

Actually I am a fan of the idea of mandatory contraception at puberty until adulthood - and adulthood is open to definition. I'm also all in favor of some sort of license to parent test, Betan-style. I'm relatively sure that we have the technology to implant some sort of shunt that can be easily reversed/opened when the time comes.

Of course, in today's world, the control over who and when contraception gets reversed would belong to the white, middle-class male. :P So it still might not be a win.

Janiece said...

Jeri, if one more white, middle class dude tries to take up residence in my or my hot daughter's uterus, I may in fact stroke out.

Jeri said...

You must be really happy you don't live in Kansas, hey Janiece? Rarely does something make me so mad I sit in front of my computer and my heart starts racing, but Brownback trying to legalize medical malpractice makes me want to gouge the fucker's eyes out and stuff them up his nostrils for him.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/29/kansas-abortion-bill-governor-sam-brownback_n_1307076.html

Stacey said...

I could try and dig up some wackadoos for you, because that's what friends do.
@jeri - OMG is all I've got.

usono said...

Well, shoot. I mean, I'd step up if I could and send you something brain-dead and inflammatory, but I apparently tend to agree with most of the points you make.

So, I think I'm going to have to be something of a disappointment to you.

Sorry about that. :-(

Janiece said...

Usono, I think you're forgiven. I like your new scream name, too.

Jeri, I am in fact delighted that I don't live in Kansas, BBQ notwithstanding.

Warner said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for that post. I will spend many happy hours following links back from it (translation - I don't want to clean the basement).

UCF is a government agency with Nathan as its head?

Janiece said...

Warner, I KNOW. It's all very SOOPER SEEKRET.

John the Scientist said...

You just need to re-institute your 'Tard of the Week posts, though for your blood pressure's sake, I'd suggest "Tard of the Month. :D

Dana Teel said...

Janiece, you have me drooling waiting for your smart blogs on the latest social topics. Reading Jim’s hate mail was fun, I wish I could see more of the foaming-at-the-mouth stuff, but Jim rightfully protected his regular readers from such abuse. In general I find it mostly amusing, but then sort of sad. I’m also sort of glad that Jim makes such a good target, I’m not sure I’d feel as ambivalent as he does about death threats.

Tom said...

Beware of what you wish for! Maybe you should start by getting a Post Office box for e-mail. You know, one that doesn't have a direct connection with you. Of course, it's kinda hard to stuff some dynamite and a timer into an e-mail, so maybe you'll be OK.