"To This Day..."

Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Monday I was listening to some podcasts in a never ending attempt to catch up, and this caught my eye. Watch the whole thing, all the way to the end, and make sure you have your Kleenex.




Simply extraordinary, and one of the most profound narratives I've heard surrounding how these types of events shape our lives and ourselves. And it got me to thinking about my experiences of being bullied, and yes, doing bullying of my own.

I've written before about how I don't much care about what the Mean Girls are doing these days. While their behavior certainly had an effect on my life and who I became, I have no desire to resume those relationships under any circumstances, nor do I really care if these people have any realization about how their behavior affected others. For me, that qualifies as free rent in my mind, and I'm just not willing to go there.

But I do wonder about my own behavior, and how it affected my peers. I know for a fact that there were a couple of years, bad years, where I was so full of self-loathing and fear that I acted out against someone who was an easy target. It was the time-honored foulness of bringing another down in order to lift myself up, if only in my own mind.

I still cringe when I think about it.

I cringe because I know - I know - that my behavior negatively affected her life, at least for the years we were in school together, and my own suffering during those years in no way excuses my unkindness. I cringe because even after all these years, I'm deeply ashamed of being mean to someone who was vulnerable (as we all were). I cringe because what I did was fundamentally wrong and completely at odds with the person I've become, and the person I strive to be.

I don't know where this woman is today. I hope she has a fabulous, wonderful life, full of happiness and love. I hope she has the life she aspires to, in whatever form that takes, and that her success is measured in her own mind by whatever she holds dear and is not found wanting.

And I hope that she gives my mean, adolescent self not one second of her time or emotional energy. I hope I never cross her mind, because my mean, adolescent self doesn't deserve such consideration. I hope that my mean adolescent self is not still crouching in her mind, rent-free and hurtful.

What I really wish is that I could go back and tell my mean, adolescent self to just shut the hell up, so that I might correct my failure of compassion. Because even though I wish only the best for this woman, I suspect that my hurtful comments have stuck with her, "to this day," and that makes me profoundly sad. 

2 comments:

Stacey said...

Thank you. That video was amazing.

Anne C. said...

This is the second time I've seen that, though the first time was just his voice and the accompanying artwork. (Here)
It was linked to on FB by Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist I enjoy very much. It illicited many comments, some of which were about teaching kids emotional resiliency and of course, the counterpoint about the bullies having responsibility too. My thoughts on this are something I'd like to repeat here:
"Teaching kids emotional resiliency is not about telling them how they lack. It is about telling them how much they have to offer. Stuff that cannot be taken away by anyone. Emotional resiliency comes from a core of self-knowledge about ones strengths and weaknesses and about getting your validation and self-worth from your acceptance and love of yourself. If you have a spring inside you, you are never thirsty.
(And kids who feel good about themselves don't have to beat up on other kids to feel better. It kinda addresses both issues, though teaching not to bully is also about teaching socialization skills.)"

It's good to acknowledge what you've done and hopefully, for her, it was something that made her stronger in the end. I know that for you, it serves to make you more empathetic and understanding.