Filling my Emotional Moat

Monday, April 4, 2011
I've been struggling a bit lately with some issues related to relationships, and I've reached some conclusions, painful though they may be.

I have found that the older I get, the pickier I get about who I'm willing to allow into my emotional inner circle. Over the last fifteen years, I've purged a variety of low quality people from my life, and instituted some standards surrounding the type of person I choose to share my life with. While I don't have a laundry list whereby I judge people and find them wanting (or not), I have identified some qualities (and their polar opposites) that help me decide if I'm willing to let someone in. Generosity of spirit versus selfishness. Intellectual curiosity versus small-mindedness. Emotional openness versus emotional manipulation. A willingness to work on relationships in an open, constructive way versus childishness. Strength of mind versus emotional dependency.

And the conclusion I've come to is that if an individual (or individuals) personify many of the qualities I abhor, and the only thing they have going for them is that I'm related to them in some fashion - it's time to apply the Alexandrian solution to the ties that bind.

Coming to this decision was not an easy one, and it makes me sad. But really, the only surprising part about it is that it took me so damn long to acknowledge what I knew to be true and act on that knowledge.

As far as execution goes, I've decided to take the advice of my wise and kind friend Jeri. Her rule of thumb is that when deciding whether or not to confront someone, you should ask yourself if what you want to say meets the following criteria: Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind, and will it make a difference. In this particular case, I'm only hitting two out of four, so I've decided that acting on my decision to fill my emotional moat does not require some grand pronouncement or confrontation. It just requires that I adjust my emotional life, and release the anger and resentment associated with those relationships.

I'm never going to be "that person," the one who refuses to attend family events if this or that family member is ALSO going to be there. I'm a grown woman, and I can certainly act accordingly once or twice a year if I end up at events where people who are not permitted to be part of my emotional life are present. I've been doing this successfully for years, in fact - just not with anyone to whom I'm so closely related.

I can be civil - I just no longer see a need to allow people who have shown me who they are to enjoy free rent in my mind. They don't deserve it, and I have no obligation to allow it.

9 comments:

David said...

This. Exactly this.

Stacey said...

I know this was hard for you. I've had to make the same cuts, if you will, and it is sad. The sad part is the people that are on that outer circle don't realize the change I've made and asked WTF which in my head validates my decision that I did the right thing.

Janiece said...

Stacey, it's extremely unlikely that question will ever be raised - which also validates my decision.

Tom said...

"When it comes to execution..." You have to execute this person yourself. You have to shoot your own... uh, horse. Yeah, that's it. You don't want to make someone else do it for you.

From the hesitation you might be able to tell that I had a different subject in mind. But I didn't want to talk about a favorite Friday personage like that, so I had to substitute.

OK, just a little levity for a subject which deserves no levity at all. But as you and Stacey both say, no questions, validation.

Jeri said...

What a tough decision! I'm proud of you for the emotional strength it's taken to arrive there.

And at the same time, I've noted that your relationship with another immediate family member who now lives with you has gotten much warmer and closer, like she's part of the clan now. And I'm so happy for that!

It's sort of an eternal cycle, as much as we with the booting-off-the-boat part didn't have to happen.

Janiece said...

Jeri, you're correct about my Hot Daughter - she's grown into an awesome, admirable young woman, and I'm delighted she's here.

The Mechanicky Gal said...

Oh yeah, SmartGirl is great!

John the Scientist said...

I'm afraid someone in my cricle has become THAT PERSON. But since the cutee in question still has, or thinks she has, some authoritative hold over THAT PERSON, I understand a bit, even if I don't agree. And explaining the situation to the younger generation is just not an option at their age, so that factor alone would enforce avidance for at least half a decade.

Given the magnitude of shit she's gone through, if she never comes around and remains THAT PERSON, I think we all can live with it. Sad.

Janiece said...

John, it depends on the egregiousness of the sin, does it not? In my own case, I do not have enough cause to be THAT PERSON, especially in light of the pain it would cause others.

But I can think of numerous examples where such a decision would be fully justified.