Unintended Consequences

Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I spent my early thirties working my ass off. Professionally, I was starting a new career in telecommunications after my years on active duty while continuing my military career in the active reserves. I was poor as shit, as I took a job with Lucent Technologies for $9.25 an hour in order to put myself in a position to take advantage of opportunities in the private sector.

My strategy obviously worked, since I'm doing quite well both financially and professionally.

But the real work, the important work that took place in those years was the work of healing myself emotionally from the consequences of my own bad decisions and fixing what was broken inside me. The reason I believe people are capable of fundamental change in their lives is because I achieved some measure of success in this work, and came out the other side a better person.* The work's not done, of course - I don't think anyone ever reaches a point where they're done, at least this side of the grave.

What I've been thinking of lately, however, is the unintended consequences of this work. You would think that as I became more emotionally stable, and instituted higher standards for the people I would allow in my life, that my inner circle would become smaller as I purged the dirtbags and the degenerates. And that was true in the short term. But slowly, that dynamic began to change. The older I got, the more progress I made in becoming the person I wanted to be. And the higher my standards became, the larger my circle grew. Yes, I've banished the reprobates and the losers, but I've also met and connected with some truly amazing people, who have made my life far richer by their presence (you know who you are - stop blushing).

This was an unintended consequence. When I was trying to get my act together, I simply wanted to live a life of which I could be proud, and sustain healthy relationships in a way that left me fulfilled instead of feeling like crap all the time. The reality is that for every craptacular asshat who's been stricken from the roles of my life I've been gifted with two new friends who are such fine human beings I have to wonder what they see in me.

I never anticipated this when I was struggling to change my life and improve myself. But it's an unintended consequence for which I'm profoundly grateful.

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*I'd like to point out that long-time pal and occasional commenter The Mechanicky Gal has stuck by me through all this, providing support and friendship, in spite of my dumbassery. Which is one of many reasons why we loves her, precious.

5 comments:

John the Scientist said...

I think about this in relation to my SIL, who seems to have an infinite patience for shitheads. The reward for such patience is a life surrounded by those shitheads, incuding an ex-husband or two. he cheater on her, but he's not a bad person. Bad quality after bad quality gets listed, but he's not a bad person. Quality people see whom she hangs around with, and keep their distance.

I'm not sure she even has a definition of "bad". I'm reminded of Solzhenitsyn's rage against the Soviet system and its perversion of semantics: "a human being has a point of view". At some point you have to make a value judgment about someone, and sometimes it ain't nice. Not that you get to be judge and jury over their life, but over yours you must be. Because part of defining who you are is defining who you (and your company of friends) aren't.

Janiece said...

Thanks, John - a very salient point, and one I was having trouble articulating.

The Mechanicky Gal said...

Allow me to point out that while you were working on you, I was cribbing from your paper and working on me! Thank you immensely, 'cause it sorely was needed.
And may I ALSO add that through your growing circle I am mighty pleased to say that I have met an incredible bunch of people, to the point that maybe some of my acquaintances will be going away....

Janiece said...

MG, purging sucks, but I can say it's been worth it for me.

Anne C. said...

I am pretty tolerant of people who have a different world view than myself**. Oddly enough though, I don't spend much time with them. Main reason for that is I value my time and if I can choose my circumstances, I would rather spend it among people who value the same things I do: integrity and self-awareness are chief among these.

** Honestly, that's what it is. A former friend of mine would lie a lot. His rationale is that telling people what they want to hear avoids conflict -- something he learned from his passive aggressive mother. I actually learned a lot about human behavior from him. I will acknowledge that I don't actually know many (any?) truly BAD people. I don't know any child molesters (that I know of). I don't hang with drug abusers, alcoholics, physical abusers, or rapists. Hell, very few people in my life are even passive aggressive! So, "bad" in my world is pretty damn mild.