Unsettled

Monday, August 8, 2011
I've been feeling a bit...unsettled...lately.

A big part of that is the fact that I feel like I'm living through the fall of the United States. For the first time in our nation's history, our financial rating has been downgraded, and our largest foreign creditor now believes we're a poor credit risk regardless of what S&P thinks. With the exception of our President, no one in Washington appears to have the slightest interest in civic republicanism, since getting reelected is the overriding concern. Large percentages of our voters are apparently undereducated douchebags who feel their high school education makes them at least as qualified to analyze our economy as a Nobel Laureate economist. Those with unearned privilege make it their life's work to retain it, rather than making the moral choice to be inclusive and egalitarian in providing opportunities to others. All of this gives me distress, especially since I don't see that I can have any significant influence over any of these outcomes, even though I'm committed to being an informed, active participant in our political process.

Additionally, I'm not quite sure what I want to do with myself on a professional level. I've been in my current job title for over ten years, and while I still enjoy the work and am well-paid, I'm feeling, well, unsettled. I've been approached by several internal organizations, but all of the opportunities require a commitment to 75% travel, and I'm not really down with that. So I'm looking at another fiscal year of my current gig. I'm hoping that will work out at least as well as it has in years past, but my "Engineer kills customer and account manager then turns gun on self" days are coming a bit more frequently these days, so there's that. Hopefully when my boss does fiscal year 2012 account assignments those days will come less frequently.

And then there's the whole "eat less, move more" initiative. I've lost 12.8 pounds since June 6th, and while I consider that acceptable progress, I still beat myself up over the pace of my progress. Plus there's the fact that my constantly fluctuating weigh is STILL an issue for me, over ten years after I quit smoking. I'd really like to just quit thinking about it, quite frankly, but I know what happens when I do that. It's like the last of the monkeys on my back, and I'd really just like to poison the little fucker.

I think everyone has periods like this, and I'm sure I'll get over it in due time. For right now, though, I'd just as soon go back to bed and sleep for a week.

16 comments:

Stacey said...

I think I'd have to say that you are not alone in your unsettledness. It's hard to talk about sometimes bc it makes it so real and well, depressing. I think if a real solution were at the end of the tunnel - on the political side - I'd probably feel better, but I'm concerned about that. As to the weight, you are definitely not alone but that unfortunately doesn't change anything. Good luck with figuring out the work part as that's a tough one.

Anne C. said...

Stacey says it very well. I agree with her on all points.

And I'll join you in the "crawl back into bed" club - not because of the depressing state of things, but because I am so effing tired. It's either the busy weekend or my allergies kicking up, but I can hardly keep my eyes open!

ardoidd -- darn it, I could have sworn that was android with an extra "d"

Steve Buchheit said...

Oh yeah, what Stacey said.

And weight will fluctuate. It sucks, but that's normal (he said, having struggled with 300lbs for over a year now).

The Mechanicky Gal said...

Hmm, ditto here. On all points.

The Mechanicky Gal said...

On a bright(er) note, one of Amy Winehouse's (sorry for apostrophe error) band members is named "Binky Griptite". Obviously chosen, but still.
Best name.

Jeri said...

I'm always unsettled. I've always felt it was kind of a character flaw, an inherent lack of contentment in my makeup. (not the kind you buy at Sephora.)

90% of me is very dutiful. Goes to work, earns money, makes the money, pays the bills, takes care of kids, dog, cats, people pleases, is a *good* girl. And 10% of me wants to pierce something stupid, sell it all and buy a sailboat, have a crazy wild fling with a tattooed biker bartender, go spend a wanderjahr in Europe with nothing but a backpack and a good camera, SOMETHING utterly nonconformist and non-dutiful and not for one minute a good girl.

But you know, I don't have time to think about that - I have to get as-built documentation done for this week's project launch. ;)

Anne C. said...

Jeri, you and I may someday end up living on a boat off the coast of Belize or hiking the Himalayas (in the summertime... I'm not crazy). I have those urges to go do something different all the time. It's good to know I'll have a cellmate. ;)

filelalaine said...

I'm with you and in fact wrote a post along the same lines this morning, except I think I'm passed unsettled and residing squarely in pissed.. I finally figure out who am I and now the whole country is crumbling all around me. Uncool.

Dr. Phil (Physics) said...

I was in grad school in the 80s when (1) the stock market crashed and (2) Challenger blew up. Both times I was in my office working on a FORTRAN program when I first heard the news. The one was a national tragedy and the other made me wonder if there'd be an economy when I got home.

I'm not going to say don't be vigilant or active, but these things come and go. We just hate the stupidity of others and the feeling we have no control.

Why yes I guess I am an optimist.

Dr. Phil

Jeri said...

Anne, you are a tattoed biker chick. You meet some of my criteria for someone to run off with - so hey, let's go sailboat shopping. ;) *hug*

beatrice in Paris said...

Losing the weight you did in the time you did is great. It took me three months to lose 12 pounds.

I don't know what to say about the political situation except that apparently there is a third party Internet movement to propose an alternative presidential candidate. I don''t know much about it.

Carol Elaine said...

Ditto Stacey. And, well, everyone else.

Unfortunately, the current political climate leaves me more than unsettled. It leaves me very, very stabby, with far too many violent fantasies floating through my brain than is healthy for a peacenik like me.

As for your weight fluctuations, just keep doing what you're doing. Eating right and exercising are the best things you can do for your health. Your body WILL settle into what is best for it as long as you treat it right.

(That's what I'm working on right now and, while I don't think there's been weight loss (clothes don't feel looser), in the last month my stamina has improved and my asthma doesn't flare up as quickly. Now I'm working on getting my legs strong again. They tire way too easily. And, while I've retained some flexibility despite my size, I need to be far more flexible - it makes me feel uncomfortable that I can't move the way I did in my 30s. Hello, strength training!)

Anne C. said...

It's a deal, Jeri. I'm happy to learn to sail and I already have my diving certification.
I'm no bartender, but I do make a good sangria and cranberry mojito, so there's a start. ;)

HUGS to you too, hon.

tom said...

Unsettled...yes, the dems just lost another chance in Wisconsin.. I keep asking myself who are the people who in the face of all the FACTUAL EVIDENCE of republican malfeasence doggedly vote against their and the Nation's best interest...I am getting tired of shaking my head, but this IS the result of 40 year war on public education ... and the ability of the repubs to put their platform on bumperstickers ........
sigh

pensive said...

I promise, you are not alone in your "unsettledness." A lot of us are having that feeling, and it amazes me every day. The cynic living in my head sees all the American Idol Jersey Shore versions of bread and circuses, and just cannot fathom that people are paying attention. But some are.

Come by and visit sometime. I totally think I should be allowed on that sailboat. : )

Janiece said...

Welcome, pensive.

I'm slowly getting over it. Which is good, because the Republican primary is going to spike my blood pressure and make me open a vein at this rate.