My grief is a seditious little terrorist

Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Sometimes I think my grief is a seditious little terrorist. I'll be going along, minding my own business, taking care of my physical and emotional health, and it will come up behind me like a guerrilla and cold-cock me, right in the heart.

The latest incident happened on Monday night, while I was sleeping. I had a dream where Moe did in fact die, but her brother was able to bring her back several years after her death. Imagine my joy in seeing my baby girl again, knowing that this time, I would be able to help her, I would be able to save her.

And imagine my heartbreak when I woke up and realized this will never be the case. She's gone, and nothing I or anyone else can do will ever bring her back, will ever help her, will ever save her.

I spent most of today feeling pretty shitty.

It's these types of incidents that crush me. I've learned to bear the day-to-day grief of not having Moe in my life, and knowing that I'll always have this hole in my heart. It still sucks, but most days I've learned to live with it. But every once in a while, grief attacks me from behind, and lays me low, with  no warning and no recourse. It's like being stabbed in the heart all over again, and it takes my breath away.

I don't think these incidents are indicative of my depression, or occur because I've stopped taking medication for it. I think they're part of my normal grief process, since they occurred even when I was still on meds. But they're more intense now that I'm not on meds anymore, and they still drain the life out of me.

I miss you, Moe-Moe.

4 comments:

Anne C. said...

I love you.
((((((HUG))))))

John said...

For most of the first year after Alysia died, I was unable to go to sleep sober or undrugged because when I woke up in the morning, there were always a few moments where I didn't remember. And then I would, all over again.

Grief is, indeed, a dirty little terrorist.

Big hugs to you.

mom in northern said...

Yep...familiar with the little bitch...
Love you

Phiala said...

I'm catching up on the internet, and I read this article a few minutes ago, and thought of you while I read it, then saw your blog post and wanted to share.

Love and hugs.