Reconciling Lolita

 

One of my goals for this year is to read some classic literature that I missed during my schooling. I have a list of books on the agenda, and I'm spacing them out between my popcorn books so I don't get burned out. 

July's selection was Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov, narrated by Jeremy Irons. It's the story of Humbert Humbert (H²), a pedophile whose actions, obsessions, and selfishness creates a most terrible outcome for everyone involved.  

First and foremost, Nabokov writes beautifully. His exposition provides a clear mind's-eye picture of H² and Lolita's experiences, without burying the reader in prose. His ability to turn a phrase into something so clearly descriptive is a wonder. 

Jeremy Iron's narration is also wonderful. His voice is perfect for the main character (written in the first person), with all his conflict, mental illness, selfishness, compulsion, and delusions. 

However, the subject matter of this book is....problematic. 

H² is the worst kind of pedophile. He grooms Lolita to be his lover, taking advantage of her lack of experience, and manipulates the situation to his twisted ends. And they are twisted. He's completely delulu when it comes to Lolita, thinking that she seduced him, so apparently his long-term abuse of a minor is a-okay. And while Lolita is a spicy kid, she is still a child, incapable of giving consent. 

And the worst part? H² knows what he's doing to her. He hears her sobbing in the night after she thinks he's asleep, he knows what he's doing is wrong (or why take such elaborate measures to hide their relationship?), and he simply does. not. care. 

As long as he has access to his "nymphette," he doesn't really care what happens to other people, or how his obsession is hurting the one person he claims to love.

In short, he's a complete and utter douche. Nabokov makes him completely unlikable, and if the character were flayed at the end it would be too good for him. 

So, how to reconcile Nabokov's craft with this most disgusting of characters? I'm still not sure. While listening, I spent a lot of time saying things like "EWWW" or "that poor child" or "dude needs to be keelhauled for his trouble." 

Would I recommend others read it when they don't have to? I have to say yes. The yuck is worth the study of Nabokov's writing, and how beautifully the author sends H² into a death spiral of obsession and hubris, selfishness and abuse. Will I reread it some day? Almost certainly not. There's only such much ew I can take. 

Welcome Back!

 

Welcome back! 

I haven't written consistently in a long, long time. Part of that is that blogs just aren't the medium anymore (hello, Substack), and part of that is a stunning lack of inspiration. 

However, one of my goals for this year is to resume writing on a semi-regular basis, on whatever subject suits me. I'll be cross-posting on my Substack, as well, since apparently that's where all the cool kids are, but I'll never give up this URL, or the history. 

RSS feed on the side, and link to my Substack above. 

I missed you guys. 

Saving those who cannot save themselves

My favorite picture of Moe, cosplaying Belle from Beauty and the Beast

As most of my readers know, I lost my daughter to suicide in 2013. It's been nine long years since we lost her, and I'm as sorrowful today as I was the day she died. 

Moe died of uncontrolled mental illness. She experienced severe depression, and was under a doctor's care for her condition. But we lost her anyway, leaving a Moe-shaped hole in my heart that nothing is able to fill.

Every day I mourn her loss in this world, and I would give everything to have her here with us again. But I can't have that, so instead I choose to perform service projects in her memory such as being a good ally to the LGBTQ+ community, and donating money to institutions she cared about, like our local library foundation.

And I also support  AFSP's mission in helping people who are at risk overcome their lack of hope and help those who have been affected by suicide.

This is the sixth year I've been up to participating in this event personally, but this will be the ninth year the Maureen's Marchers team is hitting the road in my baby girl's name on the annual Out of the Darkness Denver Metro Walk. The money raised in this event will go to fighting suicide and supporting AFSP's goal to reduce the suicide rate 20% by 2025.

The danger of suicide is especially high within the LGBTQ+ community. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth aged 15 to 24 and the third leading cause of death among youth aged 10 to 14. Among youth who identify as sexual minorities, the likelihood of death by suicide has been estimated to be two to seven times greater than the likelihood of death by suicide among heterosexual youth. These kids need help, and it's up to us to provide it in any way we can.

Please help us honor our lost, beloved Moe-Moe and consider donating to the AFSP by clicking the "Donate" button on this page. All donations are 100% tax deductible and benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), funding research, education, advocacy, and support for those affected by suicide. The AFSP is a Charity Navigator 4 star charity, and they spend 83.1% of their total budget on program expenses.

"When you are sorrowful look again at your own heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~ Khalil Gibron

DONATE

The value of conservatives

This was in my inbox this morning, and gave me some food for thought. 

As I continue to sort my thoughts regarding the schism in our country, I have come to realize that I don't - and never have had - a personal issue with conservatives when the word is used to describe the pre-Reagan Republican Party. I no longer agree with their platform, but I consider them the loyal opposition, and understand they're worthy of a place at the table. There is value in balancing the desire and need for change with the cautiousness of conservatism in a democratic republic. I used to be a Republican, after all.

There are still a few public servants out there who fall into this category, although they're few and far between these days. Mitt Romney. Liz Chaney. Susan Collins. Lisa Murkowski. The GOP calls them "RINOs," Republican in Name Only, and they're right - they are RINOs. Instead, let's call these Congresspeople conservatives, while the rest of the GOP can keep the moniker "Republican."

Because in today's political climate, to be a "Republican" politician is to work to undo our democracy through any means necessary to achieve Republican goals and to support the ultra-rich, disregarding the will of the vast majority of Americans. And if you stand by, see what's happening and do nothing, then you forfeit any claim you might have had to public service and patriotism, and you certainly forfeit any claim to the word "conservative." 

There are those who consider Islam, or liberalism, or progressives, or the boogie-man de jour an existential threat to our country and way of life. But I think it's those who would support autocracy who pose the biggest threat. Autocracy and authoritarianism are the exact opposite of how Americans are supposed to govern ourselves, and supporting it is the most unAmerican thing a citizen can do. 

January 6th was an insurrection, an attempted coup, and those who planned and executed it should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, regardless of who they are and what positions they may have held or hold today. And those who passively supported it should never be allowed to influence our government again, in any capacity. Let them pay for their cowardice by becoming pariahs in the present and excoriated in the history books of the future. 

More on Lashes

As you all know, I recently tried lash extensions in an effort to reduce my beauty requirements during our upcoming trip to Italy. This experiment was NOT a success, so my friend Cindy, a master aesthetician, recommended Le Grande Lash serum to see if I could get those suckers to grow, and here's my status report.

Before: 

After:

After, with makeup:

I'm going to call this a success, especially because I really don't want my lashes to be any longer with mascara than they are now. 

This is not a look I believe I can pull off at my current age. I do wear glasses, after all, and I live in a high-wind area. What if I took flight?

I think I'm going to stick with the Le Grande Lash product from now on, and my trusted and true Blinc mascara. Ciao, Baby! 

On Gas Prices and Partisan Politics

I'm getting pretty tired of hearing all the bitching about high gas prices. Not because people are bitching, though - higher gas prices are a burden for folks who don't make a ton of money. I've been in that economic bracket, and it sucks, big time, especially when wages haven't kept up with inflations since what? The late 70's?

No, I'm tired of it because (AS USUAL) it's become a partisan talking point which ignores all the facts in service to party talking points. So I did some research, and here are the results. Take it, leave it, stick your fingers in your ears and sing "Lalalalala" all day, I don't care. But the next time this silliness comes up, I'm referring the purveyor to this blog post.

• The price of gasoline is not controlled by the President - ANY President, regardless of party. If it was, the United States really would be a socialist nation, because private enterprise would all be nationalized and operated by the government. But our government doesn't have that power, regardless of the way the right flings the word "socialist" around without actually knowing what it means. 
• According to the U.S. Energy Information Administration, the top five sources of U.S. petroleum imports were from: 
• Canada - 52%
• Mexico - 11%
• Russia - 7%
• Saudi Arabia - 7%
• Colombia: 4%
• According tot he U.S. Energy Information Administration, the top five sources of U.S. crude oil imports by share of total crude oil imports in 2020 were:
• Canada - 61%
• Mexico - 11%
• Saudi Arabia - 8%
• Colombia - 4%
• Iraq - 3%
• Based on these facts, it seems pretty evident that the bad guy in this scenario is - surprise, surprise - BIG OIL. Consider:
• Exxon, Shell, BP, and Chevron have their highest profits in seven years, over $75B. Yes, that's billion with a "B."
• Exxon, Chevron, and Conoco are using 40% of these massive profits to execute stock buybacks instead of lowering gas prices. 
• These companies are laughing all the way to bank (or the Cayman Islands, same-same) while Americans struggle to fill their tanks. This is what they've always done, and will continue to do, because they're rewarded for this behavior beyond the dreams of avarice. 
• The Keystone Pipeline is not a factor in gas prices, regardless of what Tucker the Entertainer tells you. 
• The Keystone Pipeline is complete. It currently carries 540K barrels of oil per day.
• The Keystone Pipeline only carries "tar sands oil," not crude oil, which isn't used to make gasoline. 
• The Keystone Pipeline is owned by a Canadian company and comes from Canada. This makes it an import.  
• The extension of this pipeline (Keystone XL) has been cancelled by the private Canadian company who owns the pipeline. The US government did not force them to do this, they examined the cost-benefit analysis and made a decision base on profitability, which is what private companies do. If we lived in a socialist state, then the president could take control of these lands and nationalize oil production/distribution. But again, we don't, so you can't blame the President (regardless of political party) for failing to do so. Unless socialism suddenly isn't destroying America, in which case the Right has some explaining to do.

I'm in no way saying Russia's invasion of Ukraine has not had an impact on oil prices. But in this case, I don't think it's an entirely a case of "supply and demand." I think it's a case of "Oil executives can never have enough money, regardless of how much they get." 

But as usual, mass media and partisan talking-heads and politicians are trying to make it out like it's Biden's fault, or Trump's fault, or anyone's fault except our own corrupt system. Imagine what we could accomplish if we started holding the right people accountable. Just imagine. 

_________

ETA: My friend Alex reminds me that this "we should be energy independent!" trope is going around again. Except we don't WANT to be energy independent because we still want to drive huge, low-MPG vehicles, and support fossil fuels, and fail to support renewables. If we want energy independence, then we have to actually, you know, DO something about it beyond bitching. 

Thoughts on the State of the Union

I got up early this morning to watch the recording of last night's State of the Union address.

As a general rule, I tend to think SOTU addresses are performative, both for the President and the current "loyal" opposition. In many ways, I just wish Presidents would just write a memo. The SOTU is required under the Constitution, but it's not required that it be given in person. Phoning it in would be less dramatic, however, and that's really half the point, these days.*

It's no secret that as a general rule, I like President Biden. I think he's a committed, dedicated person of good character, and has the best interest of ordinary Americans in mind. I don't agree with everything he does or says, because the only President where that would be the case would be me, and I have zero intention of ever getting involved in political service again. 

So onto the speech itself. 

Russia and Ukraine 

The President rightly called out the multilateral action being taken by the Western world in support of Ukraine as the Russian invasion continues. After the last administration shredded our standing with our traditional allies, the President's accomplishments in healing those rifts should be front and center in the list of his accomplishments. Democracy matters, and countries that violate international law should absolutely be held accountable. Go, Uncle Joe. 

COVID-19

The President called out our new "normal" in terms of the pandemic. I think the best thing that can be said of the pandemic is that from now on we're going to have to treat COVID the same way we treat the flu. A new vaccination every season, some people are going to get it no matter what, and yes, a certain number of people are going to die every year of this disease. I appreciated that he asked EVERYONE to stop considering pandemic response as a political talking point. It's a reality, and will continue to be present in our lives the same way all human disease is present. So let's stop treating it like it's a political issue. It's not. It's a public health issue, and should be treated as such by all concerned. 

"Defunding" the Police

Since Biden was never in favor of defunding the police (Faux News talking points aside), I think it was smart of him to touch on this specifically and reiterate that the solution is not to defund the police, but to offer other solutions to the problems faced by police forces all over the country. Like funding more human services resources so that the police are out there dealing with crime, rather than dealing with the mentally ill, people who are neurodiverse, etc. 

Social Programs

It seems certain that the whole "Build Back Better" thing is a dead duck. Instead, the President is focusing on other social programs such as voting, innovation, etc. Here's where things get sticky, at least in my opinion. All of the things the President wants to do are wildly popular with American voters. But none of them are being brought to the Senate for a vote because of Republican filibusters. I guess they figure that if they're not actually called upon to vote, then they can't be held accountable for the fact that their party opposes tons of legislation their constituents want? They're not really fooling anyone who's actually, you know, paying attention, but since so many Americans don't pay attention, it's probably working. 

Republicans

Ah, Majorie Taylor Green and Lauren Boebart, you are the freeze-dried whackaloons that just keep on giving. Both of them DRAMATICALLY turned their backs on the Cabinet as they entered the chamber, and as usual, Lauren Boebart just couldn't keep her pie hole shut. Her outburst in the middle of the President's remarks regarding cancer in members of the armed forces was completely off-topic, non-sensical, and - of course - unseemly. What is it about SOTU addresses and Republican outbursts? Republican Representatives - keeping it klassy, one SOTU address at a time. 

Inflation and the Economy

The President tried to address inflation, but the fact of the matter is that he can't control inflation, just like no other President before him could. I've never held the President accountable for the economy, for the most part. I didn't hold former President Trump accountable for the COVID economy, and I don't credit former President Clinton for the booming economy during hi Presidency.

However, it's no lie that our economy has grown 5.7% in the last year, the largest growth in the last 40 years. It's no lie that our unemployment numbers have dropped in the last year. It's no lie that inflation is steady and growing. And it's no lie that the deficit will drop by over 50% at the end of this year, while the deficit went up precipitously under the former administration. I also agree with the economists who note that the American Rescue Bill has helped the economy tremendously. It's also worth noting that this Bill passed without a single Republican vote. Which didn't stop Republicans from going home and telling their constituents how great the Bill was, re-elect me, why don't you. Because of course it didn't.

I agree with the issues the President called out as things we can accomplish as a nation if we just end the partisan bickering and get to work: 

• The opioid crisis
• Giving mental health services the same resources as physical health services
• Support our veterans
• Cancer research

I have a hard time believing Republicans can't agree to these initiatives, but since 2015 they've catered to the lowest common denominator, and it doesn't seem they can stop stooping lower and lower in order to reaffirm their position as the sycophants of former President Trump's cult of personality. So they'll probably oppose any measures related to these issues, as well, because they can't be valuable if a DEMOCRAT proposes them. 

I also find it extremely interesting that based on CBS's poll of voters, 78% approved of the President's SOTU address. So I consider this a win for Uncle Joe. 

______

*Now get off my lawn. 

Lash Extensions Review

 

This year, the Fam intends to go to Italy for a well-deserved overseas vacation.* In order to have a maintenance free beauty experience, I thought getting lash extensions and a wash and wear haircut would be indicated. I haven't moved on the haircut yet - my regular stylist is out on maternity leave and I don't trust anyone else to cut my hair that short, but I thought I'd give the lash extensions a whirl to see if they'd suit. 

The short answer: No. No, they don't. 

Here are my lashes prior to the lash extension application:

Here are my lashes immediately following the first lash extension application:

And here are my lashes two weeks after my first fill:

As you can see, my left eye held up pretty well. This is about what I'd expect after two weeks, as I had anticipated a need for fills twice a month or so. 

My right eye, however, was a fricken disaster. The lashes on my right eye started falling off almost immediately, and continued to fall off at an accelerated pace compared to my left eye. I adhered to every recommendation the esthetician gave me including not getting them wet for 24-48 hours after application, a special washing formula with a custom brush, only brushing them out with a clean spoolie when they were dry, wearing a sleep mask since I sleep on my right side and friction with my pillow might have caused the surgical glue to come loose. Nothing changed this outcome. 

Since the left eye was in good shape at the end of the two week period after both the initial application and the refill, I don't fault the esthetician for this outcome. Clearly she did a good job based on the results on my left eye. My right eye is just a PITA when it comes to this service.

So I'll be letting the remaining lashes fall off naturally, and stick to my tried and true Blinc mascara from now on. Lash extensions are expensive, and unlike permanent makeup, it's an ongoing, monthly expense to maintain them, plus requiring two trips a month to the lash studio. Applying mascara daily takes one minute, and I only have to buy new mascara four times a year. 

Thoughts for a New Year

 

And so, 2022 begins, much like 2021 began.

2021 wasn't ALL bad. For most of 2021, I took better care of my body. I got to spend time with my Sistahs and their incomparable Fellas. No one I know personally lost their life to COVID or complications from COVID. The Smart Man started a new job, which he genuinely likes. I got promoted and received a raise. I saw my niece marry the love of her life, a splendid young man who sees the light in her, just as I do. My Mommy continues to enjoy good health and still lives independently. The Smart Son is settled into his career, and doing well. 

U.S. economic output jumped 7% in the last three months of 2021. Overall growth for 2021 was ~6%, and is predicted to grow another ~4% in 2022, the highest growth the U.S. has seen in decades. America's economy improved more in Biden's first 12 months in office than any president during the last 50 years, largely due to Democrats' American Rescue Plan. Democrats have also earmarked $1.2 trillion for long delayed and much needed infrastructure investment.*

But let's be honest: 2021 wasn't really a good year, either. We're still dealing with the Omicron variant of COVID. Over 5.5 million people have died of coronavirus so far. Trump Republicans (which seems like ALL Republicans these days, the cowardly fuckers) continue to politicize vaccines and masks, ensuring more Americans will die unnecessarily of this disease. Additional Americans will die because there will be no hospital bed for them, as ICU wards continue to fill up with unvaccinated COVID patients. 

We've watched the Republican party lose their collective shit and whatever pretense they once had of living in a fact-based world. We had an insurrection in our capital, which retRumplicans have basically denied, and over the last year, we've continued to be exposed to the Big Lie. Much of the country believes the Big Lie, and take pride in their complete lack of critical thinking skills on this topic. 

How can I, as an individual, live a happy and meaningful life while watching the fall of the country I spent so many years defending? How can I come to terms with those who refuse to vaccinate and mask for the common good, because "freedom" or selfishness or "you're not going to tell ME what to do?" How can I help prevent our nation's fall while the far right continues to use such an effective fascist strategy to cement their power and disenfranchise all who don't agree with them? 

This has been on my mind of late. No one knows how long the pandemic will last, especially with the virus evolving so quickly, and worldwide vaccination hovering at less than 50% of the population. "Waiting until it's over" no longer seems like a viable option. I don't know that life will ever return to a pre-pandemic state, and I feel that I need to find a new normal, a new way to live in this new world. My depression has been going through peaks and valleys this year, and caring for my mental health is now something which requires a new strategy. 

It's very tempting to isolate myself, ignore the latest shenanigans of the retRumplicans, surround myself with like-minded people who I know will do whatever's necessary not to spread disease. But that's clearly not the answer. As a citizen dedicated to the rule of law, I have an obligation to try and save that which I've fought for. As a human being who cares about our species, I have an obligation to try and do whatever I can to help humans move past this pandemic, whether those humans chose to support the common good or not. 

It's a conundrum. At the very least, I think I'm justified in deciding to spend time only with those who have chosen to get vaccinated and follow the CDC's recommendations regarding masks. I don't want to get sick, or worse, make the high-risk people in my life sick, because of someone else's political beliefs. I will continue to follow the science, regardless of how politicians try to make the science a matter of political opinion rather than a fact-based thing. 

As for our country, I will continue to vote my conscience, I will continue to call out bullshit wherever I find it, and I will continue to stand up to the bullies who would shape our nation into an oligarchy to serve their own purposes and quest for money and power. I will continue to support politicians who live in a fact-based world and at least behave like they care about other human beings.

But is that enough to find peace of mind in this new world? My mind constantly spins on what I can do to make the rest of my life meaningful, and happy, and to help build a world where the Smart Son can live without fear. It doesn't feel like enough. I don't know if anything I do will ever be enough. I fear I'm losing hope, which would be the worst possible outcome. 

So my focus for 2022 will be "hope."  Hope for a world where the common good is a priority for the majority of humans. Hope for a country on the brink. Hope for myself and my family, that we may find meaning and joy in a changed world. 

Just...hope.

_________

*I say "Democrats" because these measures passed without a single retRumplican vote, even though those duplicitous bastards claimed credit for them to their constituents. All the retRumplicans have done is complain about the cost, conveniently forgetting that the freeze-dried whackaloon they choose to follow presided over the third largest increase in National Debt in our country's history, right behind George W. Bush and Abraham Lincoln, both of whom were paying for wars. Hypocritical, lying motherfuckers, the lot of them. 

The Whackadoo Lauren Boebert

 

So. Lauren Boebert. Congresswoman for Colorado's 3rd Congressional District. Gun rights advocate. Restaurateur. The recipient of a GED in 2020. Also dangerous, too stupid to breathe, hypocritical, and radical. 

I have to ask, 3rd Congressional District voters - what the fuck were you thinking?

From a recent public speaking event: 

I am tired of having Godless people who hate America run this country! You and I are going to take this country back!

Let's unpack, shall we?

I am a godless person. I don't believe in any gods, and am basically completely irreligious. And yet, as an Atheist, I strongly disapprove of rhetoric that encourages violence against other humans, religious or not. Not so Boebert, who believes Muslims make baby Jesus cry and should be eliminated, by a bullet if necessary. 

Danger score: 9

Stupidity score: 7

Hypocrisy score: 11

Radical score: 9

Apparently I also hate America, along with other liberal Americans. If only there was something I could do to prove how much this country means to me, and how strongly I believe in the Constitution...perhaps something like serving the United States in uniform for half my adult life. 

Danger score: 5

Stupidity score: 11

Hypocrisy score: 9

Radical score: 7

Boebert also believes that someone has stolen the country and made off with it like a thief in the night. I wonder who she thinks these thieves could be? I wonder. Could they be people who think that working a 40 hour work week means you shouldn't live in poverty? Or people who believe lobbyists should not be permitted to bribe our representatives? Or maybe it's people who want to ensure children aren't shot to death for the crime of going to school. Could it be people who think a progressive tax rate with no loopholes for profitable corporations or ka-billionaires is the right thing to do? Oh! I know! It's people who think the punishment for being poor shouldn't be a death sentence because you can't afford health care! And I'm also going to take an abductive leap, here, and include "everyone who's not white, Christian, CIS, straight, and inexplicably believes they're entitled to equal treatment under the law" to that list. 

Danger score: 7

Stupidity score: 6

Hypocrisy score: 10

Radical score: 11

Again, I have to ask -  3rd Congressional District voters, what the fuck were you thinking?

Whoever runs against Boebert - in both the primaries and the general, if she runs - will be receiving some of my hard earned dough to beat this whackadoo. She's a national embarrassment, and the sooner she's relegated to the obscurity she so richly deserves, the better. 

Anger, Grief, Regret, and the Pursuit of Peace

In 2011, my biological sister chose to end our relationship without telling me why, and we haven’t spoken since. 

This is not something I’ve previously written about. Partly because my anger has kept me from organizing my thoughts in a meaningful way, and partly because parts of this story aren’t mine to tell. But after years of therapy and introspection I feel like I’m ready to write about the parts of the story that are mine, in order to try and reach some level of peace. 

For years after she cut me off, I was incredibly angry and hurt. I felt betrayed and used, and came up with explanation after explanation as to why she had disappeared from my life, each more reprehensible than the last. I was so angry and hurt I never reached out to her, nor would I permit any family member to do so on my behalf. 

This went on until we lost my daughter Moe to suicide in 2013. I was so destroyed by this loss the best I could do was to to ask an extended family member to notify her of Moe’s death before the note Moe wrote to her and her husband arrived via the mail. While I felt no obligation to let my sister intrude on my grief, I thought being notified just by the note would be unkind in the extreme. She chose not to reach out to me at that time, and to be honest, I was relieved. I literally had no emotional labor left for anyone else - I barely had the emotional energy to continue living.

Instead, a week following Moe’s death my brother-in-law chose to text every member of the extended family to tell us that he hoped we all burned in hell. No exceptions, not for people who had been nothing but kind to them, not for those who had not taken sides in the estrangement, not even for my son, who as a child I had allowed to build a relationship with them, just as I had with Moe. What precipitated this choice? I don’t know. I have no idea what Moe wrote to them prior to her death. It was critically, vitally important to me that I abide absolutely by Moe’s wishes after her death, so after the coroner's office reviewed everything Moe left at the scene of her death I simply mailed the note to my sister and her husband, exactly as Moe had asked. After those text messages were sent, I gave up all hope of ever having my sister as a part of my life again, and my anger burned anew. I considered such an unkind act at a time when every member of our family was torn down by grief to be unforgivable, regardless of the motivation. To be honest, I still feel that way. 

A number of years later, I found out that her husband had passed away. I found out long after the fact, almost incidentally. Again I chose not to reach out to her, even though I suspected how difficult his death must have been for her. How could it not be? They spent their entire adult lives together. But I was still so angry and hurt not only by the initial severing of the relationship, but by her continued silence following my daughter’s death, that I could not bring myself to do so. She and her husband had made it abundantly, hatefully clear that neither I nor any member of the extended family was to contact them, ever again. So I didn't.

And yet, I grieve. I grieve for my lost relationship with her, and the years we’ve lost, and will continue to lose. I regret what I did to precipitate this break, not even knowing what that was. I regret not having the opportunity to make amends for that hurt. I regret that we were not able grieve together for the child we both loved so dearly. And I grieve that I see no way forward from here. 

I’m not the same person I was eleven years ago. How could I be, after losing my only sibling, and then my Gram, and then my only daughter, and then an Auntie I loved like a daughter, and then my beloved mother-in-law? I don't think my sister is the same person either, after her own pain and suffering. 

But how do you mend such deep pain? How can you let go of the anger and hurt and start anew? Is it even possible? I don’t know. For over a decade, my anger has been a festering burn in my heart, bringing me nothing but grief and regret. It brings me to tears of rage, it steals my sleep and my peace of mind. Until today, I’ve not expressed that anger in any meaningful way except to my therapist and those who know me best, because what difference would it make? My anger won’t change the outcome, and I believed that expressing it would just bring more drama into my life when all I want is peace. 

And now, I've finally reached a point where I'm ready to make room for my grief in addition to my anger. My own journey in working through my feelings won't change anyone's perspective but my own, but I do believe it will help me in my quest for peace. And that's reason enough to write about it, I think. 

She’s still my sister. I still love her. I still want her to have a happy and healthy life, even though she's decided I can't be a part of it. My hurt and anger wouldn’t be so deep and abiding if I didn’t still care about her, still miss her presence in my life. 

No one is the villain in their own story. It’s taken me ten years of therapy and self work to admit that while I've always considered myself the injured party in this story, she almost certainly feels the same. Does she also have regrets? Does she miss me at all, as I miss her? I have no way of knowing. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to hear from me, and I’ve respected that wish, initially because of my anger, and later because even though I hate the decision she made, she’s a grown woman with agency who commands her own destiny. She has the right to determine who will be part of her life and who won't, just as I do. 

But I'll still grieve for this lost relationship, and probably will for the rest of my life. I'll regret that she found it necessary to sever our connection, whatever the reason. I'll continue to work through my anger, grief, and regret, to try and reach a point of peace and acceptance. Because these are the only things I can do. 

Magpie Designs

 Are you looking for a reasonably priced, meaningful gift for someone in your life? 

(Begin shameless self-promotion)

How about a custom, hand-inlaid ring in the materials of your choice? I'm introducing my new side-gig, Magpie Designs. I'm making such rings for sale, as well as making them for my friends, family, and as incentive gifts for those who donate $500 or more to my favorite charity, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. 

Here are some examples of my work:

"Forged in Dragon Flames"
Crimson Opal and Dragon Scale Opal in Black Ceramic

"Waterloo Sunset"
Fire Burl Dichrolam in Stainless Steel

"Delirious Nebula"
Deep Space Opal in Cobalt Chromium

"Tiger Bones"
Tiger's Eye in Black Ceramic

"It Might as Well be Spring"
Forest Green, Wasabi Green and Black Polymer Clay in Cobalt Chromium

Each of these pieces represents different techniques and materials, and is named for a song that represents the vision I had for the ring. 

If you're interested in commissioning a ring for yourself or someone else in your life, visit Magpie Designs and see what I have on offer. I'll be taking orders for guaranteed delivery by Christmas through November 1st, best effort after that. Thanks for considering my creations!

On the 8th anniversary of your death

 Today is the 8th anniversary of your death. In some ways, it feels like I've been bearing this burden of grief forever - it's part of my life, and carrying it is my "normal," whatever the hell that means. 

But in other ways, it feels like I learned the news of your death just yesterday, and my grief is still a raw, blistering thing that lays upon my heart like an anvil. 

I'm doing better this year than last, since last year was simply unbearable for a variety of reasons. But it always hurts, and will continue to hurt, for the rest of my life. As the analogy goes, grief comes in waves. Sometimes I can catch it and ride it to shore, and other times it wipes me out, leaving me tumbling through the sea like a piece of flotsam during a storm. 

Regardless of whether it's a terrible year or a bearable year, I will always, always love you, each and every day of my life. I will always, always honor your life and work to make the world a better place in your name. I love you, baby girl. 

________

July 31, 2013 was the worst day of my life. It was the worst day of my life because that was the day the Police Department came to our home to tell us our precious daughter Moe had died of suicide at the age of 22. 

Moe died of uncontrolled mental illness. She experienced severe depression, and was under a doctor's care for her condition. But we lost her anyway, leaving a Moe-shaped hole in my heart that nothing will ever be able to fill. 

Every day I mourn her loss in this world, and I would give everything to have her here with us again. But I can't do that, so instead I choose to perform service projects in her memory such as being a good ally to the LGBTQ+ community, and donating money to institutions she cared about, like our local library foundation. 

And I also support AFSP's mission in helping people who are at risk overcome their lack of hope and help those who have been affected by suicide. 

This is the fifth year I've been up to participating in this event personally, but this will be the eighth year the Maureen's Marchers team is hitting the road in my baby girl's name on the annual Out of the Darkness Denver Metro Walk. The money raised in this event will go to fighting suicide and supporting AFSP's goal to reduce the suicide rate 20% by 2025. This goal is especially challenging in our current situation, where people are still feeling isolated, anxious and uncertain of what the future will bring. 

The danger of suicide is especially high within the LGBTQ+ community. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth aged 15 to 24 and the third leading cause of death among youth aged 10 to 14. Among youth who identify as sexual minorities, the likelihood of death by suicide has been estimated to be two to seven times greater than the likelihood of death by suicide among heterosexual youth. These kids need help, and it's up to us to provide it in any way we can. 

Please help us honor our lost, beloved Moe-Moe and consider donating to the AFSP. All donations are 100% tax deductible and benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), funding research, education, advocacy, and support for those affected by suicide. The AFSP is a Charity Navigator 4 star charity, and they spend 83.1% of their total budget on program expenses. 

"When you are sorrowful look again at your own heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~ Khalil Gibron

Thank you for your support!

So Exhausting

 

Yesterday while reading the news, I discovered that the CDC has changed its guidance regarding masks due to a large uptick in COVID infections across the country. In areas where the Delta variant is running amok, they now recommend even vaccinated people where masks indoors where there are many people present. 

I also read that resentment of people who refuse to get vaccinated is growing - even among Republicans - as we continue to struggle to move past the pandemic.

Then I read this morning that even vaccinated people, i.e., yours truly, may be carrying a significant viral load of the Delta variant, even while asymptomatic. 

What this means to me is that I am now a danger to those around me who are not vaccinated. It means it's possible I've already had COVID, masquerading as summer allergies. It means I have a responsibility to society to prevent spreading this illness to those who either refuse to get vaccinated, or those who cannot get vaccinated.

And I have Feelings about this. 

Mostly I just find the whole thing exhausting. It was very easy to get out of the habit of masking up when going out in public, with the exception of air travel. It was a delight to start socializing with folks outside our "cell."* It was a pleasure to get back to the gym for strength training without having to wear a mask. And now we have to go back. 

I want to be clear about something - I am absolutely willing to go back to mask wearing for the sake of those among us who are immunocompromised, or can't take the vaccine for other medical reasons. As a member of, you know, humanity, I have an obligation to do so. It's a minor inconvenience, after all, and doing so costs me nothing and may save someone's life. Go, saving someone's life. 

But I have to admit that doing so for the sake of the knuckleheads who refuse to get vaccinated because "freedom" or "you can't make me, neener-neener-neener" or "it's all a radical liberal plot" sticks in my craw just a little. 

I absolutely believe in agency when it comes to health and safety. You want to ride your motorcycle down the interstate at 100mph without a helmet? Fine. There's a reason ER personnel call such folks "organ donors," but whatever - it's your noggin. You want to forego a seatbelt because in 1 out of a 1,000 accidents being thrown from the car results in the person not dying? You do you, boo. Clearly you flunked statistics, but again - whatevs. 

But vaccination is different. An individual's decision not to get vaccinated does not affect just them. It affects all of us, in every community. It decreases herd immunity. It puts stress on our health care system. It increases the probability of folks who cannot be vaccinated getting sick and dying. It puts the burden of the health of the willfully unvaccinated on the shoulders of those who committed to the idea of the common good and herd immunity. And while I'm having some trouble mustering up sympathy for new COVID cases among the willfully unvaccinated, those who cannot get vaccines should not be subjected to additional risk because I (or anyone else, for that matter) refuses to wear a mask because they don't understand science, or "freedom," or they get their medical advice from unqualified, partisan politicians, or they just don't give a shit about anyone else as long as they're not inconvenienced. 

I don't believe vaccines should be mandated on a public level.** Such an edict would contradict my core values. But I do think the unvaccinated should be made to reduce their public life for the sake of public health. Don't want to be excluded from a cruise or an airplane or a public event? Then get vaccinated. Don't want to get vaccinated because you're a putz? Then restrict your public movements. 

It really is that simple for me. And I find the politicalization of vaccines and science to be disgusting, immoral, and shameful. 

You'll see me on the other side (of my mask, that is). 

________

*We only socialize with people who are 100% vaccinated. We still have high risk people in our lives, and even before the CDC changed its guidance, we were taking no chances with their health and well-being. If that offends you or hurts your feelings, sorry-not-sorry. 

**I'm a-okay with vaccine mandates for certain professions such as healthcare workers. As a veteran, I fully understand the need to give up some control of my medical care for the sake of the group, and while I understand such things may stick in the craw, it is my belief that doing so is a public good from a Kantian point of view. 

Self-Care Saturday

 

Last year after the lock-downs started, the Smart Man and I gained the dreaded "COVID-19." Since we weren't exactly slender to start with, this soon became a problem from a health and fitness perspective. 

So in May of 2020, we endeavored to lose some weight. The Smart Man had already been slowly losing for the previous year, but we both got serious in May, and we were pretty disciplined in our program. 

Since May, I have lost 68 pounds, and overall, the Smart Man has lost 40 pounds. Since sizes these days are so inconsistent and vanity driven, I'll say that this translates into a six size reduction in my clothes based on the Levi's brand. I was going to try and lose five more pounds as a stretch goal, but I'm incredibly tired of dieting, so I'm sticking with the original goal - a 22.3 BMI, right in the middle of the healthy range.

We're pretty proud of ourselves for this accomplishment, but really - now the tough work begins. I've always been able to lose weight when I decide I need to do so. It's the maintenance that kills me. This cycle of yo-yo dieting isn't good for me for a variety of reasons, so the next year will require a lot of vigilance on my part to ensure I remain within the weight/size range I've set for myself. I'll check back in at this time next year, and hopefully I'll look exactly the same. 

Before. (Sorry for the crappy picture - it's not like I really wanted to photograph myself when I looked like this.)

After. 

Ramona the Feminist

Today is a very sad day for me, as Beverly Cleary, whose books helped make me a lifelong bibliophile, has passed away at the age of 104.

Like my friend Carolyn, I found Beverly Cleary's Ramona books utterly relatable. I was a younger sister, and my sister would often tease me and called me a "pest" in the same way Beezus would tease Ramona. It bothered me at the time, but now that I have the perspective of age, I realize now how large a compliment it was, even though she didn't mean it that way.

Ramona was unapologetically RAMONA, and that is a splendid thing to be, indeed. As Carolyn notes, she took up space in the world when girls and women were expected to shrink their true selves to accommodate the egos of men and societal norms. Not Ramona, who had a very large heart and cared for others, while simultaneously trying to find her worth in the world. She knew she had value, but the circumstances of her age, gender, birth order, and social norms combined to label her Ramona-ness as something to be criticized, suppressed, devalued.

Ramona the Pest was published in 1968, when I was three years old. The expectations for girls were evolving, but the toxic social norm of deferring to boys and men because girls were "less than" was in full force, and continues to this day, to a somewhat lesser degree.

For me, the lesson of Ramona was that it was right to become frustrated and upset when I was being disrespected based on my gender, my age, and the expectations of others. As I grew, I lost that lesson for a long time, and trying to twist myself into something I wasn't for the comfort and benefit of others made me deeply angry and resentful. But Ramona stayed with me, quietly reminding me that my feelings were valid and worthy of consideration and I should not sacrifice my well-being in service to the patriarchy. The result? Now that I'm older, I still rage against the machine but I am more content in my efforts, knowing the goal of egalitarianism is not an aberration but a desire for society to be its best self, without marginalization and suppression of the other. My goal is morally defensible, and utterly correct.

The real feminist in this story is Beverly Cleary. And she expressed the essence of feminism - the right to be who you will and make the choices that define you - through Ramona. Ramona the Pest, Ramona the Brash, Ramona the Egalitarian, Ramona the Brave, Ramona the Feminist.

Thank you, Beverly Cleary, for writing stories about ordinary kids with ordinary problems, who nevertheless dream of greatness. Thank you for influencing generations of girls in a positive way, giving them permission to be who they are, and to view themselves through the lens of self-determination. You will be missed in this world, but Ramona - and all your characters - will live on.

Achievement unlocked: Creating lifelong readers.

Beware the Ides of March

 

Today has been kind of a strange day. 

As many of you know, today is the birthday of my twin children, Moe and the Smart Son. Since we lost Moe to suicide in 2013, this day has been a tough one for me, and given how tough her death anniversary was for me in 2020, I really had no reason to anticipate this day would be anything other than a bloody train wreck. 

But it isn't. The first thing I thought of when I woke up was the fact that it was the Smart Son's birthday and I needed to transfer some birthday bucks to his PayPal account. Not the twins' birthday, just the birth of my surviving child. In fact, I didn't even think of Moe's birthday until Sister Stacey sent me a text early this morning letting me know she was thinking about me, and it still took me a second to realize what in the Sam Hill she was talking about. 

I'm not sure how I feel about this. 

On the one hand, I have guilt that Moe wasn't the first thing I thought of this morning. I do still think about her daily, but she's no longer the first thing I think about as soon as I wake up. And when I compare my almost-non-reaction today to my emotional reaction in years past, it almost seems as if her presence (and absence) in my life is no longer as important to me as it once was. 

On the other hand, moving forward with my life (and taking part in other people's lives as they move on, as well) is the natural order of things, I suppose. Should I be happy that I can think of her with love and gratitude without also experiencing heart-wrenching grief? I honestly don't know. Losing her, especially to mental illness and suicide, is without exception the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. 

Is the fact that my strength in managing my grief is increasing a sign of healing and hope? Or is it a sign that my grief reactions are changing because she's not as important to me now that there're some years between her death and now? 

I wish I knew.

Moe would have been 30 years old today. I miss you, Pumpkin. 

On the state of the Republic and my uneasy heart

The last two weeks have left me angry, sad, afraid, and completely scattered. I have so many thoughts and feelings about the events of January 6th and its aftermath, my mind is skipping from thought to thought, and my emotions are all over the place. I need to get a handle on these things, since I'm jumpy and on edge, and it's interfering with my work and my relationships. So here are my thoughts and fears, my rage and concerns, my grief and reactions, in no particular order. 

________

Lipstick on a Pig

Let's not mince words and refer to the group who invaded the Capital building as "rioters" or "protesters." They weren't. The correct word is insurrectionists. And just in case you need a refresher, here's the relevant Title: 

§2383. Rebellion or insurrection

Whoever incites, sets on foot, assists, or engages in any rebellion or insurrection against the authority of the United States or the laws thereof, or gives aid or comfort thereto, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than ten years, or both; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

In the case of these particular insurrectionists, they were attempting to prevent the United States Congress and the Vice President of the United States from following the Constitution and executing their duty under the law in certifying the electoral vote. Insurrectionists. 

Language matters. Using "soft" language to describe the events of the 6th deescalates the seriousness of the crimes committed in the Capital building, including the murder of a Capital Police Officer who was killed for doing his duty.

________

This is why we can't have nice things

While my rage has diffused somewhat since the 6th, it has only gone from "apoplectic with rage" to "rage." The people who chose to breach the barriers of the Capital, and those who gave aid or comfort to those people, are fucking traitors to the Constitution and the nation it created. They claim to be patriots, and try to romanticize their bullshit by comparing themselves to the American revolutionaries who precipitated the birth of our nation, but they are wrong, spectacularly wrong, on both counts. Patriots don't attempt to hunt down and kill our political leaders because a legal and fair election didn't go their way. The American revolutionaries of our history rebelled against the Crown because they believed they were being treated unfairly and wanted a say in their government. Do you see the difference? The insurrectionists of January 6th do have a say in our government. They just didn't get the outcome they wanted - in other words, they lost. And in their mind, that means they're justified in throwing a temper tantrum of epic proportion, attempting a coup against the legally elected government of the United States. Traitorous motherfuckers, the lot of them, and all of them should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and given the maximum sentences. 

And I'm also going to indulge in some "I told you so." On November 15, 2016, I wrote:

To those 47% of you that voted for Trump, I have to say - this is your dumpster fire. He has shown the country and the world who he is, again and again and again. But you wouldn't believe him. So when he continues to be who he is, I don't want to hear about how "you didn't know." Of course you knew. You just didn't care because he appealed to your baser instincts and you fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

You knew. You didn't care. And so you own this criminal piece of shit administration, this insurrection, this four years of lies, corruption, bad behavior, and mishandling of the epidemic. I hope you enjoy being on the wrong side of history. And if you voted for this reprobate twice? I don't even know how to respond to such an incredible display of poor judgement and White supremacy. 

________

Accountability: It's not just for the "low-class" anymore

So tRump finally became the bestest President in history by getting his ass impeached not once but twice. He's winning!

Actually, he's really not. He's a big fat loser and the walls are closing around him because he finally went too far even for Vice President Pence and Majority Leader McConnell. He miscalculated his ability to act with impunity, and now he and his ill-begotten children are going to pay, and pay, and pay. Whether he wins or loses, he'll pay with the humiliation of another Senate trial. He's already paying with a loss of allies, advisors and champions. He'll pay as investigators continue to dig into what exactly happened on the 6th. He'll pay when the state and city of New York and the state of Georgia indict him. He'll pay when he has to declare bankruptcy (again!) due to his lost relationships with other businesses. His retRumplican sycophants will pay with a loss of political contributions for their complicity in enabling him. His shitty, entitled kids will pay with the loss of their social standing and reputation (like they needed any help on that score). And you know what? Fuck him. Fuck him and all his smug, criminal family. I have no sympathy for these immoral Marie Antoinette wannabes - they deserve far worse than what's going to happen to them. Nothing would please me more than for every damn one of them to disappear into the obscurity they so richly deserve. After their legal and financial troubles are widely reported, scrutinized, and commented upon, I mean. 

________

IDOR got your tongue?*

I find it funny (in a "Can you believe this shit?" way rather than a "funny haha" way) that the insurrectionists were So. Fucking. Stupid. I mean seriously - they filmed themselves going into the Capitol building, they took pictures and filmed themselves actually committing their crimes, and then promptly posted all this to social media where any old body could see it and use it to identify them as insurrectionists. Way to out yourself, genius! 

Did they think this was a game, and their goal was to be "seen" being a big, bad tough guy on social media and the news? Wrong answer, idiot. The FBI, the Capital Police, the Metro Police and the Secret Service aren't laughing. At all. And now you're shocked - shocked you say! - to discover that your group is being rounded up and arrested for your part in this travesty? Get the fuck out of here. Your misanalysis of the situation does not excuse your acts. 

And to add insult to their injury, these dumbasses had previously flocked to a social media platform that marketed themselves as a private, secure, unmoderated platform championing unfettered free speech. Here was a place where the right-wing extremists could exalt in their hate and also plan their misdeeds without interference from the "liberal media." However, Parler didn't hire the best or the brightest or even the minimally competent to architect their platform. Which led to the platform having such a basic, giant security hole in its software that you could launch a Saturn V through it. And people did. Prior to AWS shutting down their servers, hackers waltzed on in and scraped every bit of data they could find, including all the messages, photos, and videos on the site, which included the metadata associated with each object. For those who don't work in technology, this means the people who have archived Parler's data now have a treasure trove of information that will help law enforcement identify and analyze the ringleaders of the insurrection. Parler's technical team made it easy for them, and you can rest assured that ALL of this data is now public, right down the GPS coordinates of where the posts were made. You can even find out what your neighbors have been posting, if you're so inclined.

I could make a "stupid is as stupid does" or "we deserve a better class of insurrectionist" joke here, but it seems like shooting fish in a barrel. 

________

Dishonor before Death

I have a special kind of hate in my heart* for the veterans who chose sedition on the 6th. These are the same hypocrites who are constantly parading around their veteran status with grand announcements about how their "oath never expires" and then turn around and join the "Oath Keepers" or "The 3%ers," or other extreme militias/hate groups who participate in domestic terrorism. Make no mistake - these people have absolutely betrayed their oath, no ifs, ands, or buts. Their oath was to defend the Constitution, and here they were, shaming their service by attempting to stop the Constitutionally mandated duty of Congress and the Vice President. I am ashamed of them, and ashamed that their previous "service" lumps them in the same category as me and the other honorable, patriotic veterans of my acquaintance. They even wanted to kill their own Vice President for the heinous crime of following the Constitution in the execution of his duties. Yeah, you're keeping your oath, all right, you piece of shit. 

________

Business first

I have mixed emotions about the way Twitter, Facebook, Google, Apple, AWS and others have basically shut down the social media presence of extreme and far right activists, including retRumplicans. I understand exactly why they did it, of course. These companies currently occupy four slots in the Fortune 50, and the one who didn't make that cut - Twitter - is extremely powerful in this context because tRump relied on it so heavily to stoke his populist flames. But let's be honest, here. They're in business to make money, regardless of what their PR folks would have you believe. Their fiduciary responsibility is to their shareholders, not some nebulous ideal of protecting democracy or whatever. And having the federal government in an uproar and forcing citizens to become even more uncertain about the future of our nation is not good for business. A stable society that respects the rule of law is a much better business environment than chaos and insurrection. The second these companies started to consider tRump and his ilk a liability rather than an asset to their business plans, they made a business decision and dumped him and his hard-core supporters like a hot rock. 

On the one hand, speech encouraging violence and sedition should be banned by private companies. But then it raises the question of who gets to decide? Big Tech executives? Why are they empowered to do so? What makes them more qualified to determine what crosses the line and what doesn't? How would I feel if the current "banning" bias was against liberal thought and opinion rather than conservative? These companies represent a huge market share in the areas where they do business, and I'm not sure I want private corporations to have this much power over political discourse. 

Yes, yes, the 1st Amendment does not apply to corporations, only the government. I took a college level civics class, unlike actual retRumplican politicians who have presumably passed the Bar. But this is not the 18th Century, and I'm not sure our Founders had an instant information society driven by private industry in mind when they wrote the Bill of Rights. In this specific case, I'm starting to think some measure of government regulation over these issues might be in order, or at least worth discussing. I miss the Fairness Doctrine. 

________

Worn out, worn down

I've spent the last four years on a slow boil from a politics perspective, wondering when this nightmare would end. And the answer appears to be "Not in my lifetime." Anonymous sources have been telling reputable media outlets for weeks that the reTrumplicans in Congress knew full well the election wasn't "rigged" or "stolen." But they continued to support this nonsense because tRump's base and their base have significant overlap, and it's more important to them to get reelected than to be honorable people and fulfill their oaths to the Constitution. 

And I don't really see any way to bridge this gap. Almost half of American voters chose White supremacy over character in November, in spite of all the evidence that proved tRump to be dishonest, misleading, incompetent, stupid, ego-driven, entitled, and generally a person of poor character. They were convinced by a con man that creating an egalitarian society is actually an abrogation of the rights of White people. He brought to the surface and stoked the idea that the Blacks and the browns and the wimmin were coming for their guns, their money, their place in society, their privilege. 

Well, that last item IS actually true. 

It makes me throw up in my mouth that these selfsame "patriots" who only wanted to ensure the election was "free and fair" are calling for national unity now that their tRump has come home to roost. You're four years too late and 74 Electoral College votes too short, you corrupt, dishonorable wretches. This is your legacy now -- an armed insurrection inside the Capital building, enabled and tacitly approved by you, in service to your ego and your ambition. 

So I'm sad and exhausted. I'm sad about what tRump's manipulations, lies, authoritarianism and fascist tendencies have done to people I know and care about. I'm exhausted by a political system that allows the minority to dictate policy to the majority based on shenanigans and greed. I'm sad about the no-end-in-sight polarization of our political parties which will probably continue until well after I'm gone. And I'm exhausted by my own cynicism about the country I swore to protect with my life. 

________

*"IDOR" stands for insecure direct object reference, the security hole that hackers used to scrape Parler data from their servers.  

**My intense feelings surrounding this small group bothers me. Hate is a vile emotion, and poisons people from the inside. I have work to do in order to get a handle on this. 

Belief

I gained 3.8 pounds over the holiday based on my weekly averages, which is how I measure such things. I expect they'll come off pretty quickly (like this week), and then the hardest work begins: Losing the last 20 pounds. I believe I can do both these things in the 14 week timeframe I have set for myself. 

________

I believe President-Elect Biden will be inaugurated to the office of President on January 20th regardless of what tRump and RetRumplicans want or do. I also believe this is absolutely the correct and legal course of action, because the accusations of RetRumplicans have absolutely no merit. They have presented no legally admissible evidence to any court of law (including SCOTUS) which proves their assertions of voter fraud in any state. Their strategy has been to follow the tactic of "If you say it often enough, it becomes true, regardless of the facts." And that strategy is working, and has been working for the last four decades, which makes me fear for the long-term future of the Republic. 

________

I believe I will no longer engage in conversation or commentary, or invest emotional or intellectual labor regarding the Conspiracy Theory de Jour, regardless of who brought it up, what their political opinions are, who they support, or the motivation behind the bull-pucky. Bring me provable facts, or get thee gone is the new mantra. I have to thank my pal Juan for this one. Sensible advice at any time. 

________

I believe Mitch McConnell is the single greatest threat to the Republic since the Civil War. Thanks, Kentucky!

________

I believe the key to my mental health in 2021 is being honest with myself and others about gratitude, mindfulness, and letting things go. Then I must make emotional and intellectual decisions based on this honesty. I think I can more easily make gratitude a habit compared to the other two, but I have some work to do in all three focus areas. For me, the hardest part is achieving "forgiveness" along with "letting go." I'm afraid that's going to take a while. 

________

I believe tRump's blatant attempt to fix the election in Georgia is a clear violation of the law. I also believe he won't experience any consequences for his criminal behavior, because at this point in our Republic's history, NO ONE is held accountable if they have enough power and/or money. NO ONE. It's all just political theater to appease the base rather than a true application of the law and justice. 

________

I believe I need to continue to invest in my health after I achieve my goal weight, including an appropriate maintenance diet and regular exercise. 

________

I will be taking the COVID vaccine one it becomes available to low risk individuals, because I believe in the power of science and the results of vaccines in saving populations from deadly disease (see: Polio, Small Pox, et al). 

________

I believe I am deeply afraid for the law enforcement officers who will be trying to keep the peace on Wednesday in our nation's capital. It's going to be a long and dangerous day for these folks, and unlike the violent whackadoos who choose to be there, these professionals have no choice. Stay safe, y'all. Seriously.

________

I believe I have never admired our judicial branch of government more. Throughout these election shenanigans, they have, without exception, upheld the law as they understand it with integrity and courage regardless of who appointed them. The judicial is our last line of defense, and their integrity has, in many ways, saved the Republic. 

________

I believe 2021 will be a year where I spend more time and money on charitable acts/agencies. Charitable giving has always been a part of our budget, but this year I want to get more personally involved, for a variety of reasons ranging from mental health to a way of paying rent on the bit of earth I occupy.