A Woman of a Certain Age

Monday, August 26, 2013
I'm a woman of a certain age. What this means is that my innards are no longer working as well as they should, and so the time has come to start removing superfluous organs.

In other words, my uterus is broken, yo, and it's time for that shit to go. And go it will, on Thursday morning at our local Kaiser outpatient surgery clinic. 

The thing that amuses me about this is how many people apologize when they discover I'm scheduled for a hysterectomy. As in, "They've finally scheduled my hysterectomy for the end of August," says I. "Oh, I'm sorry!" says they.

I know there are women who end up with hysterectomies that don't want them. Women who want children, or additional children, but are denied that opportunity by the necessity of this procedure. I feel for these women, I really do, as I imagine they believe their bodies have betrayed them in a very profound way.

But for me? I've been singularly uninterested in having additional children since I was 25. I had my tubes tied at 35. And I've been longing for a hysterectomy since I was 45. My uterus is a huge pain my ass, and its negative impact on my health and life has done nothing but increase since the twins were born.

So I'm not sorry it's being removed. In fact, my attitude is more like this:


Of course I do have to deal with the recovery period, with taking time off work both paid and unpaid, and Short-Term Disability. But at least that's a temporary problem.

Get thee gone, uterus.

9 comments:

neurondoc said...

Dear Janiece's Uterus,

Don't let the fucking door hit you on your way out.

xoxo,
neurondoc

mom in northern said...

It will be like being born again

Carol Elaine said...

What neurondoc said.

I've had a Mirena IUD for almost two years. While the lack of monthly periods freaked me out at first, I can't say I really miss them. I really don't miss the monthly cramping.

I shall metaphorically Snoopy Dance on your annoying uterus once it gets gone. For doing so literally would be really gross.

Random Michelle K said...

Maybe it's just "Sorry you have to have surgery to get your stupid female parts to behave"?

Because surgery isn't really THAT fun...

:)

Megan said...

Goodbye, stupid and useless uterus!

The Mechanicky Gal said...

I confess, I'm a bit jealous.

Steve Buchheit said...

Hopefully they can do it the easy way. The hard way isn't as much fun. (disclosure, wife had it done a few years ago, best, thing, evar - although the first 3 months were the pits).

Janiece said...

Steve, laparoscopy is the way to go, no doubt.

Barbara A Mizzoni Young said...

Funny piece. I'm hanging on to my uterus, although I don't know why. I cannot have any more children had my tubes tied over 25 years ago. I just hate to part with it. Happy to hear this is now an outpatient procedure. Wishing you a fast uncomplicated recovery.

barbara @ www.allmylivesnow.com