How I Am

Monday, August 19, 2013

Over the last weeks, many of our friends and family have been reaching out on a fairly regular basis to see how we're doing, and to continue to offer love and support. And the big question is, "How are you?"

And the answer is usually "okay."

Of course, recent events have resulted in a new definition of "okay." Now "okay" means "barely functional but not ready to melt down at this exact moment." Which I believe is the best I can hope for right now.

So I'm usually okay, interspersed with occasional meltdowns, triggered by things that are as unpredictable as they are banal, and therefore cannot be avoided. Things like the mall. And wildlife. And laundry.

I appreciate everyone's checking on us, though - it would be far too easy for me to withdraw into myself, and spend all my time gnawing on the new reality of my life. A life where my baby girl died alone in a nondescript hotel room, filled with apathy and despair, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

The problem, of course, is that I really don't want to accept this new reality. It sucks. It sucks worse than anything, ever, and yet there simply isn't anything to be done that will make it different, or better.

So like an addict who cannot envision a long-term future without the yoke of their addiction around their neck, I'm taking one day at a time. Today I will get out of bed. Today I will exercise, but not too much or too little. Today I will eat food, but not too much or too little. Today I will try to perform the work for which I'm paid. Today I will try to sleep, and not wake up crying.

Today I will live in a world without my Moe-Moe.

11 comments:

Anne C. said...

Thank you, my dear Janiece, for keeping us in the loop. We all love you both very much and if we could change your reality, we would. Love and hugs.

(Your comment about exercising and eating neither too much nor too little made me smile and cry at the same time. Thank you for that. <3)

mom in northern said...

You do not cry alone in this
Multiple hugs
Love ya
Mom

Phiala said...

I loathe being asked how I'm doing, so I rarely ask others, but I will sit quietly with you until you want to talk about it, and will frequently remind you that I care and remember.

Megan said...

"How are you?" is a reflex, sort of. I admit that it's the one I keep coming back to and discarding because it seems too flippant. The reflexive response, of course, is "okay", and as you've described, "okay" isn't the same now.

I guess what I'm saying is that I've been thinking of you a lot, knowing there's little I can do from such a distance, and hoping that each moment is bearable if not what most people would consider okay.

Steve Buchheit said...

Do they ask with the head tilt? The head tilt before the question always throws me. And from the other side I've heard that question come out of my mouth followed by the internal dialog of, "WTF? How do you expect they're feeling right now, idiot."

And I like Phiala's suggestion. Have often had a cup/glass of something letting a friend know they can say whatever they want, whenever they're ready. It may lead to awkward silences, but sometimes just sitting with a friend is more important. It's a hard skill for a guy to learn that we can't and don't need to fix everything, and listening without trying to come up with an answer is more important than "trying to help".

Janiece said...

To be clear, I'm not complaining about these inquiries - I appreciate the fact that people care about us, and that even though they don't know what to say, they reach out anyway.

I just don't know how to respond, because of course I'm not okay, and may not be okay for a long, long time. And the people who are reaching out know this, but want to help, and I need them to keep me in their thoughts.

It's just a weird situation, for everyone.

Phiala said...

I didn't take your post as complaining, Janiece, but wanted to explain why I haven't asked that question, and to assure you that it isn't because I don't care.

Steve, I'm queen of trying to help (not always with the best of results), but sometimes there isn't any help to offer, just as much long-distance support as can be given and accepted.

Random Michelle K said...

I love you.

vince said...

You and The Smart Man are in my thoughts and heart.

((hugs))

Steve Buchheit said...

Janiece, we know you're not doing okay. Whenever, however, and whatever you want to say, we're here. Yell, scream, cry, laugh, just sit there in silence. Consider this reaching out and touching your hand.

Carol Elaine said...

Ditto Anne, Phiala, Michelle, Megan and Vince (and everyone else).

Unfortunately, when someone very dear to us dies, there's always a Before Loved One and After Loved One. This feeling does get better with time, but it never goes away entirely. I am so very sorry that you have to experience it.

Just know that we love you and we're here for the both of you whenever you need us.