Wall of Shame - July 30, 2010

Why, yes, owner of the red Ford pickup, license plate 305-JJU, WITHOUT A HANDICAPPED PLACARD, who parked (badly) in the handicapped parking space of the Parker Library on July 30, 2010 at 2:00 p.m. - I , too, noticed that the entire library parking lot was full.* When this sort of thing happens, however, the correct and appropriate thing to do is to park in the never-full strip mall parking lot RIGHT NEXT DOOR and walk your lazy ass to the library, like the rest of us able bodied citizens.

But why do that, when the self-centered and completely ASSHOLE thing to do is to claim a handicapped spot for your very own? And did I mention you're an ASSHOLE?

 ______________
*It was full because our backwards county refused to pass a bond initiative to give them a new, bigger space.

Boogie Blogging Friday - I'm So Abused Edition

Seriously? A&D? WTF?

So the Boogie-Dog is having an "I'm so abused" kind of week.

Our trip to the vet on Monday revealed that he does indeed have hay fever, which is causing the constant runny nose. And because his nose is running a marathon, he spends his days licking the snot away (I know - ew. But he is a dog). He's not a young dog anymore, and his skin lacks the suppleness to take that kind of abuse, so it's cracked and bleeding.

The vet recommended:

• Benedryl for the hay fever. He gets this three times a day, and because he's a wily older dog and not fooled by the whole "pills hidden in food" thing, the only way to make him take it is for me to grab his lower jaw and force the pills down his throat. If his mouth was any smaller or my hand was any bigger, I'm not sure how we'd proceed, but this works for us. Yes, this does leave me with dog slobber all over my hand, thanks for asking.
• 400 IU of vitamin E by mouth per day. Yep - more dog slobber for me. Yay!
• And for his cracked and bleeding nose, his vet recommended A&D ointment (without zinc). Yeah. Diaper rash ointment.

He's being pretty tolerant of me constantly forcing my fingers down his throat, but he is pretty fucking unimpressed by the A&D ointment. It has a fairly strong scent, and I'm sure it's hosing up his ability to use his primary sense, plus I suspect it tastes like ass.

But here's the thing - it's working. The moisture barrier is allowing his poor nose to heal up, which is what I wanted, so he's just going to have suffer while it heals. Until then, I've resigned myself to his hurt, WTF? looks when I apply it. Bad doggy mom. Bad.

First World Problems...and a Little Perspective

I'm feeling a bit bitchy today. Not crabby, but like I need to complain incessantly about all the crappy little things that are niggling at me. Of course, all of those things are completely stupid, and I realize how very ungrateful it is to cry about my VERY IMPORTANT FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS. But I still need to bitch and cry, so I'll take this opportunity to do so, and then make fun of myself.
______________

I'm getting another summer cold. The second one in less than a month. I so very rarely become ill, when I do it always feels like a personal affront. Getting sick twice in the same month is just UNACCEPTABLE.

Not as unacceptable as getting malaria for like, the 32nd time because I have no access to mosquito nets and chemoprophylaxis, but still irritating.

What the hell is up with grout? Who thought this shit was a good idea? It's impossible to keep clean, even in a dry climate such as ours, and is a huge pain in the ass to replace. Bleach can only go so far, and the master bath mini-remodel has revealed that we need to quit procrastinating and re-grout the shower. Which does not make me happy, seeing as how I'm a lazy, lazy git.

Of course I do have access to indoor plumbing, as opposed to living somewhere where raw sewage flows through the streets. So there's that.

My company has lost another one of my expense report receipts, so now I have to chase it down and send it again. One would think that an organization whose only job is to keep track of these things would be a bit more proficient, but I guess that just makes me DEMANDING and NEEDY.

Sort of like those DEMANDING and NEEDY third world residents who compete for the chance to work 12 hour days for 38 cents a week putting together crappy discount clothes to be sold at my local K-Mart.

Since it's primary season and the Smart Man is a registered Republican, the Big Yellow House has been inundated with Robo-Calls from the candidates, explaining why they deserve his vote because they're DESPERATELY CONCERNED ABOUT THE IMMINENT INVASION OF AMERICA BY BROWN PEOPLE INTENT ON STEALING OUR JESUS.* Last night's was a recording from Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, endorsing Senatorial candidate Jane Norton. Since every time the Smart Man sees a Jane Norton ad he tends to scream "Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!", followed by a profane ad hominen attack, I think it unlikely Ms. Norton will receive the Smart Man's vote. Regardless of the candidate, however, I think it's safe to say that political Robo-Calls are the work of the devil.

The alternative, of course, is being shot down in the streets for daring to oppose the religious leader's personal choice for our secular government. Which, come to think of it, may be where we're heading.

What are your first world problems?


______________
*Yes, I did totally steal that turn of phrase from my friend Jim Wright.

Kill Me Now

I swear, Tom Tancredo is a raving nutjob. That opinion should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. After all, I'm a liberal, and I'm not insane. I've always been embarrassed by the fact that he was my representative until the 2008 election, even though I didn't vote for his whackadoodle ass.

After the 2008 election, he pretty much disappeared from my radar since Fox News isn't really my first choice for, well, anything. I was perfectly okay with that, as his ranting was becoming profoundly boring.

But now, suddenly, he's in the public eye again. His repeated calls for the impeachment of the president are retarded at best, and my good friend Eric over at Standing on the Shoulders of Giant Midgets has an excellent analysis of the root cause of this particular bit of dipshittery.

My own issue with ole Tom is a bit closer to home. He's decided to run for the Colorado Governorship under something called the "American Constitution Party."

Oh, yay. Now I get to listen to the batshit crazy through NOVEMBER as he attempts to drag Colorado into the land of the incurably insane. The good news is that his run is likely to split conservative voters, giving the most liberal candidate a better chance. The bad news is that I may be forced to commit jigai in order to avoid a murderous rampage through Douglas County after being forced to listen to this fuck-knuckle for months.

Perhaps you should just kill me now.

My Celebrity Boyfriend Makes Good

In case you live under a big rock, I'm going to take this opportunity to tell you that my celebrity boyfriend*, Phil Plait, has a very exciting new project out! That's right - the Bad Astronomer is hosting a new mini-series on the Discovery Channel called "Phil Plait's Bad Universe." Check out this fabu trailer:

I especially like the part where giganto cartoon Phil zaps the hostile spaceships with his LazerEyes™.  

Now I want LazerEyes™, too.

____________
*As distinguished from my celebrity seraglio. I've actually met Phil, you see. So I can't put him into the seraglio without moving into creepy, creepy stalker territory. Being my celebrity boyfriend, however, is a more platonic imaginary relationship.

Let's Visit the Celebrity Seraglio

I'm completely uninspired today when it comes to blog fodder, so I asked for suggestions on Twitter. My non-despicable minions responded with a request that we revisit our celebrity seraglio, since really, what's more fun that pretending you actually have a chance with some famous hawtie who is probably already involved with some other famous hawtie?

Here's how it works - I give you the top five members of my celebrity seraglio, and the peanut gallery can either approve, disapprove, throw rotten vegetables, or otherwise make unwise, perverse and witty suggestions - double entendre optional.

Ready?

Number 5: Dwayne Johnson, aka "The Rock." I have no earthly idea if Mr. Johnson has a brain in his head, or if he's just pleasant to look at, and really - for the number 5 spot, who gives a good goddamn? Pool Boy...oh Pool Boy...*

Number 4: Sean Carroll, theoretical physicist at the California Institute of Technology and author of From Eternity to Here. Once he referred to certain sections of the universe as "lumpy," he was a shoe-in.

Number 3: Brian Cox, particle physicist at the University of Manchester, author, and black hole creator at CERN's Large Hadron Collider. He used the word "bullox" to describe the LHC doomsayers on The Colbert Report, which made me shoot Pepsi out of my nose.

Number 2: Jon Stewart. He pwned Walter Wagner on national television, plus he's smart, funny and rich. Who could ask for more? No, really - what more could you possibly want?

And the Number 1 member of my celebrity seraglio? That's right - astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson, head of the Hayden Planetarium, author, and media geek extraordinaire.

Be still, my heart. 

________
*Why, yes, I did just totally objectify Mr. Johnson there. Totally.

************
Edited at 3:16 p.m. to bring in the rest of my short list: Liam Neeson, Lance Reddick, Ezra Klein, Matt Taibbi and (of course!) the Incomparable Evan Newkirk,

Despicable Me

If you haven't gone out and seen Despicable Me, you need to get up off your ass and go see it TODAY.

I love this movie. Love, love, love. Now I want minions of my own. Or at least the movie on Gru-Ray.

"Bank of Evil (Formerly Lehman Brothers)"

HEE.