Dark Thoughts

Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I have insomnia. The type of insomnia I suffer from isn't that I can't go to sleep when I lay down - instead I wake up at one or two or three or four a.m., and I'm unable to get back to sleep. I'm grateful that it's not as bad as it could be, though. It's intermittent, and I've managed to get it pretty much under control in the last couple years. It does come up periodically, though. Like last night.

Aside from the chronic fatigue, the thing I hate the most about insomnia is laying there, unable to fall back asleep, being haunted by what I call "dark thoughts." They're the niggling insecurities, big and small, realistic and not, that invade my mind and won't let go when all I really want is to go back to sleep:
  • My Hot Mom will be seventy this year, and she lives alone. She's pretty self-sufficient, and I communicate with her several times a week via phone, e:mail or Facebook. But what if she fell, and I didn't notice I hadn't heard from her in a few days?
  • I'm learning to love my Emmylou hair, but what if the Smart Man decides he wants someone "younger looking?"*
  • What will I do when the Boogie Dog dies? He's not a young dog anymore, and I'm just SOFT when it comes to him. 
  • Is Anderson Cooper gay, and why the Hell am I thinking about it, anyway?
  • Will I ever get a chance to change careers to something I will find more meaningful, more fulfilling, or will I be stuck selling PHONES for the rest of my working life? 
  • Will the Mad Cow continue to eat my brain until the Smart Man is forced to institutionalize me because I have Broccoli Brain and I can't take care of myself?
  • I'm going to be forty-five this year. How the Hell did THAT happen? And why do I still feel young and not middle aged? Except for my neck. What the Fuck is happening to my NECK?
  • Am I really a good person? Just how offensive is my natural arrogance? I think I really need to get over myself. Seriously - you have MAD COW. How smart could you possibly BE?
  • Will I be successful in achieving my weight loss goals, or am I doomed to being chubby until I die (of Mad Cow, no doubt). 
I try not to be maudlin, and I'm a firm believer that I have at least some control over the outcomes of my life. I really have no idea why these middle of the night pessimism-fests keep coming up, but I have to say - they suck.

I need a nap...

____________
*This one is especially retarded, given the state of my relationship with the Smart Man. That's why they're called "Dark Thoughts."

15 comments:

mattw said...

I get that sometimes, but it's usually as I'm falling asleep, not in the middle of the night. I have been waking in the night a lot lately and it will take me a while to fall back to sleep, but I don't know why (and I'm not counting when I wake up because the kids are making noise).

Maybe writing it down will help unburden your mind. When I really get in a funk like that, violent video games or smashing things usually helps. I know that probably wont work for the middle of the night though.

I wish I could be of more help.

Jeri said...

Janiece, I love you, I really do. But why are you thinking my thoughts? Except for the broccoli brain part - that's freaking inspired.

Alex said...

Mad Cow isn't so bad. Learn to love the insanity it brings to the game.

As for the rest I don't wake up with those thoughts. Probably because I sleep like the dead. But when I can't go to sleep because my mind is jumping from topic to topic pointlessly I find that reading an engaging and light story helps to get my brain back on track so those thoughts get pushed back into the dark corners where they belong.

Or there is always a power drill with a paddle bit to get them out. :)

Phiala said...

Oh, me too. Going to sleep, no problem.

Staying asleep: "Okay, I need to pay the bills tomorrow. I wonder if there's enough in the checking account for everything. And OMG I need to get someone to fix the gutter. And how did those ants get in the kitchen? My house is going to collapse! What about that big project due next week?"

I find that doing sudoku puzzles or something similarly distracting helps a lot.

The Mechanicky Gal said...

Are we Sistahs from Another Mistah? Because I think just about the same thoughts.
Will I be a QA Drone for the rest of my working life?
What fresh hell will the bucketheads in the shop bring on that I will have to compose some sort of rational answer to?
But other than that, same bat-time, same bat-station for me waking up. Not enough time to read, but enough time to get all worked up over crap.

Janiece said...

Dear Jeri and Mechanicky Gal,

Please stay out of my brain. Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,

Janiece

Anne C. said...

I do this sometimes too (I think it usually happens at stressful times). I totally get Matt's suggestion, as I love to use light reading as an escape from the dark thought carousel, BUT I usually get caught up in said reading and stay up way past when I should be going back to sleep. So, that's a no go for me unless the next day is Sat or Sun and I can sleep in.

I hate those dark thoughts, especially when they are baseless and get you nowhere.

Random Michelle K said...

You have my sympathy/empathy.

I don't have the insomnia bit, but I am constantly plagued by such doubts and fears.

Makes me want to remove my brain with a spoon sometimes.

Will (Astra Navigo) said...

You're forty-five???

Oh, please....

mom in northern said...

In runs in the family sweetie…make classical music, particularly the Adagios, your new best friends. Get up…don’t just lie there. Make a nice cup of hot tea…this from Chloe.
Set in the dark…NO LIGHTS. Listen to the music. Do the Om things ‘til the tea is gone. Then go back to bed. If this doesn’t work turn on the lights and clean the house. That thought alone should bring on extreme fatigue.

;-)

Vagabond said...

Okay people, I am now thoroughly depressed and having new doubts about my own life. Time to put a stop to this . . .

Janiece, you are the bomb, the shiznizzle, the uberwhatsit, so take a tylenol pm and stop it. While you're waiting for that to take effect, consider:

You talk to your mom several times a week, of course you'll notice if you don't hear from her

Boogie will, regretably, pass on. It will suck. You will cry. In some cases, a new puppy helps.

Of course Anderson Cooper is gay. Duh.

They call it work because it ain't fun!

Forty is the new twenty (I tell myself that a lot these days).

The food has improved in most institutions.

Get a better pillow for your neck (think that might have something to do with insomnia?).

It ain't arrogance if your that good and people refuse to see it.

Exercising until you are very tired will help you sleep and lose weight.

If Smart Man looks for someone younger, he isn't very smart.

I hope these help. If not, the flogging will now commence, and will continue until morale improves. :)

Karl said...

I get the Sunday Flops once in a while - used to be every night. My stuff was about parenting, work, house - the usual - and I concluded pretty much what mom and Vagabond said...

Now I just use the 'Black Wall' or long divide 22 by 7 in my head until I'm out.

I'll be 45 this year too - couple days before you I think - I forget - but we still each have 75 years left ;) and I plan on being a kid until 97, at least.

domenicl_drapeau060799 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Janiece said...

*TONG*

WendyB_09 said...

Y'all are in my head. Well, at least I know the reason I can't sleep at night...y'all are in my brain. Get out and stay out!!! Thanks.

I have frequent insomnia. Usually stress-of-some-sort induced. Which is why I'm doing laundry and responding to blogs at midnight when I should be in bed...or at least close to getting there. Most nights if I get 4 hours of sleep I'm grateful.

Other nights I doze off watching TV. When I finally wake up enough to stagger to bed, by the time I actually crawl into bed I'm wide awake and can't fall back to sleep.

Gotta go, washer stopped and those clothes won't jump in the dryer by themselves.