Colorado Inbreds

I swear, when I read shit like this, I wonder just how varied the gene pool is in some of these smaller Colorado communities.

A vampire? Really? You wrecked your vehicle because you were fleeing a VAMPIRE? And this whackadoo wasn't even drunk or high. Apparently, someone needs to lay off the Twilight.

Our new motto should be, "Move to Colorado! We need an infusion of new genes!"

'Tard of the Week - Willie Brooks

Willie Brooks lives in Lewiston, Maine. He's a mental giant. A GENIUS, I TELL YOU. Why? Because only a GENIUS knows that when you need your backyard fire pit to cook your food in a quick and efficient manner, only a half-gallon of gasoline will do.

On Saturday evening, during a family get together, Mr. Brooks "suffered second- and third-degree burns over an estimated 75 to 80 percent of his body after pouring gasoline on a backyard fire pit in Abington Saturday night, causing an explosion."

Unbelievable.

All you evolution deniers out there who claim there's no "real world evidence" of evolution? Take a trip to Boston and visit ole Willie in the hospital. There's your evidence right there.

When Hillbillies Attack, Part III

Today's Hillbilly is none other than Pat Boone, washed up singer and right-wing whack-a-loon.

Yeah, I was surprised to learn he was still alive, too.

So who read Mr. Boone's essay in World Net Daily about the so-called correlation between proposition 8 opponents and the Mumbai terrorist?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I doubt very seriously that there's much crossover in the readers of Hot Chicks Dig Smart Men and World Net Daily. So for those of you who missed this little missive of joy, I'll quote a small portion here. Mr. Boone is discussing the similarities between the terrorists of Mumbai and the opponents of Prop 8:

Oh, I know the homosexual "rights" demonstrations haven't reached the same level of violence, but I'm referring to the anger, the vehemence, the total disregard for law and order and the supposed rights of their fellow citizens. I'm referring to the intolerance, the hate seething in the words, faces and actions of those who didn't get their way in a democratic election, and who proclaim loudly that they will get their way, no matter what the electorate wants!

Oh. My.

Am I the only one who is tired, tired, tired of the bogus assertion of evangelical Christians that they are somehow persecuted because their unearned privilege is being slowly replaced by true equality? I've got news for you, Mr. Boone - you need to come down off the cross. Whether it's religious displays on public land, Christianity in public schools or religious dogma insinuating public legal discourse, you are not being persecuted. You're simply being placed in the some boat as everyone else. The gayz are not angry at you because they're intolerant and hateful - I don't see them trying to abrogate your rights. They're angry because you're violating the 1st Amendment and trying to make your religious "laws" the Law of the Land. It's called the establishment clause, also known as separation of church and state. Perhaps you've heard of it.

As for them "getting their way" in violation of the will of the electorate...I'm sorry, Mr. Boone, but did you pass high school level history? Have you even heard of the idea that our national laws and institutions were deliberately constructed to protect the minority from the tyranny of the majority? Have you ever heard of a Supreme Court ruling called Brown v The Board of Education? When a law is instituted that is violation of the Constitution of the United States, that statute is unlawful, and will eventually be overturned. Of course, you probably think that's just "judicial activism," seeing as how you're a privileged straight white guy, and all.

Mr. Boone also asserts that the Constitution does not guarantee "equal rights" to the gayz in regards to marriage because marriage is a religious creation, and thus not addressed in the Constitution.

I know I want to take my cue on Constitutional law and the meaning of the Fourteenth Amendment from a washed up singer. How about you?

Really, Mr. Boone? Really? Are you really such a dumb-ass that you can't see that marriage is both a civil arrangement and a religious covenant? Prop 8 opponents aren't trying to force gay marriage into churches, synagogues or mosques who find such arrangements untenable. Religious institutions are private. The courthouse, however, is public. As in, governed by the rule of law, subject to the First and Fourteenth Amendment. My husband and I are completely irreligious, and yet our civil marriage is legal because we're of the opposite gender and our family fits into your religious view of the world? But a gay couple shouldn't be afforded the same civil right?

And don't try and obfuscate the issue with that "civil union" drivel. "Civil unions" and "marriage" do not convey the same set of legal rights. If they did, civil ceremonies would all be "civil unions," and "marriage" would be reserved for religious ceremony and institutions.

Here's my favorite quote from Mr. Boone's mouth-breathing crapola where he's describing Prop 8 opponents:

...hedonistic, irresponsible, blindly selfish goals and tactics of our homegrown sexual jihadists...

I'm really not sure how he arrived at this. I mean, hypocrite much, Mr. Boone? The Prop 8 proponents used deceptive advertising, out of state money and other unsavory means to "get their way." And yet the folks fighting for the same rights you enjoy are the ones who are selfish and irresponsible? Their lawful demonstrations and activism makes them "hedonistic?" Yeah, you're right. How dare they demand equal treatment under the law! Selfish bastards!

You'd think the gay agenda included forcible sodomy for right-wing whack-jobs, the way he goes on.

You know what Mr. Boone's screed really reminds me of? Jesse Helms and other Jim Crow proponents trying to squash the civil rights movement. After all, them uppity black folk can't be trusted to self-govern or vote responsibly, and quality education would just be wasted on those people.

Just like equal marriage rights would just be wasted on these people, huh, Mr. Boone?

When Hillbillies Attack, Part II

This Hillbilly story isn't from the wilds of rural Colorado. Or at least not directly. It's from the wilds of Texas.

My Hot Mom used to live in Houston, where she was relocated by her corporate employer after the energy bust of the 80's. She lived there for many years, and while Houston is a pretty cosmopolitan city in terms of the arts, it's still filled with, you know, Texans. Many of whom Hot Mom is still friends with.

Recently, prairie dogs have been infiltrating Hot Mom's property. Since she shares her back fence with a horse pasture, it's not really surprising, but she really doesn't want them taking up permanent residence. They destroy property and carry the plague, which Hot Mom considers to be an undesirable outcome. Since she doesn't live in Boulder County, where it's illegal to kill vermin, she was looking for a way to shoot the little fuckers.

So she reached out to her Texas friends to see if what kind of BB gun she should invest in for her Rambo-Grandma killing spree.

Yeah. She asked Texans.

Their recommendation? The Whisper VH, offered by GAMO USA, makers of fine quality adult precision airguns, ammunition's, accessories and optics. Approved by the NRA!



From the website: "The Gamo Whisper VH shoots .177 cal. match grade pellets at 1000 fps. It is equipped with a deluxe recoil pad and has a base for mounting its specially designed Varmint Hunter Scope. The brilliant red beam of the laser sight finds your target quickly and precisely, while the flashlight illuminates your target in low light or no light."

That's right, folks. An air-gun with a silencer, a scope, and a laser sight. All for the low, low price of $329.95! (Plus Shipping).

For my Hot Mom. Who's never fired a weapon - of any kind - in her life. Yeah.

The mental image of my Hot Mom stalking the prairie dogs from her deck with her brand new Gamo Whisper VH fills me with trepidation and awe, and makes me feel like I've been transported into the Bizarro World version of A Christmas Story.

Yeah. I'm sure this'll work out just fine...if she doesn't shoot her eye out.


Tip o' the Coon-Skinned Cap to my Hot Mom for the source material.

When Hillbillies Attack, Part I

As you all may know, Hot Sister and frequent commenter Cindi in CO lives in a small, rural community. She and her Smart Man live on the edge of town, in a Fuck-You-Blue house with lots of flowers and my two feline nephews, Tommy and Scorch.

They also used to own the house across the street, which they sold over a year ago. It was a very old house, a converted chicken coop, and they lived there for many years. When my kids were small, they used to love going to visit their Aunt and Uncle "in the country." They would drive the tractor, hike in the local canyon, and help in the garden. Once they even helped their Uncle tear a building down. This is huge fun when you're 7 or 8.

Well, they sold that house to a neighbor family over a year ago. We'll call the neighbors "Bubba and Brittney."

God, what a mistake.

Bubba and Brittney are hillbillies. They have 4 kids of their own, several foster kids, and Brittney is pregnant again. She also runs an in-home daycare, and all of these children run around terrorizing the neighborhood and making the place look like a home for wayward, dirty, snot-smeared children. The backyard is fenced with chain-link (and not in a straight line), and with all the playground equipment back there, all those kids look like hamsters in a cage. There's also talk of the kids eating pages out of books for their roughage requirements, but that's probably just viscous rumor. Probably.

Well, once they purchased the property, the first thing Bubba and Brittney did was collapse the house into the basement, then set the entire kit and caboodle on fire.

Yes, I said fire.

And it smoldered for weeks until a heavy snow put it out.

Did I mention this property is in town? It is.

Good Grief.

But wait, there's more!

Since collapsing the house, there's been a huge hole in the middle of the lot where the house used to be. Well, you can't have that. Bubba and Britney's Chihuahua might fall in and wouldn't be able to get out! So they proceeded to fill the hole with garbage and garden detritus, essentially creating a huge, mulchy trash pit. Because, really, that's what everyone should do - purchase the lot next to theirs and use it as a personal dump. So convenient. So eco-friendly. So classy.

Once the pit started to fill up, Balls and Brainy...er, Bubba and Brittney, decided it was time to do something about the accumulation. Since fire worked so well the last time, they decided to go down that road once again.

Only this time, they decided to use a little accelerant. Gasoline, in fact. Five gallons of it.

And since the lot is sunken down from street level, and the foundation is even deeper than that, the fumes from the gasoline accumulated before they decided to light the match.

You Hot Chicks and Smart Men are an educated bunch. Can you guess what happened next? That's right - an explosion. The fireball was well above the roofs of the surrounding houses, shook the ground to the point where small objects fell off their perches, and windows of nearby homes were glowing orange from the conflagration.

Nearby homes like the one owned by my Hot Sister and Smart Brother-in-Law.

When Cindi approached Brittney about the incident, she claimed she had all the permits for a fire in town, and had cleared it with City Hall.

Is that right? Really?

Why do people lie about things that are so easily checked? Especially in a small community?

It seemed strange that the city would allow a permit for such an asinine endeavor, so my Hot Sister went to City Hall to chew some ass. Big Surprise! There was no permit issued.

When the local law enforcement representative appeared to discuss the matter with Bubba and Brittney, Brittney told him that the city clerk gave her verbal permission to light the fire, and waived the fee.

Right.

Because why wouldn't a city employee, who has one of the best jobs in the county, risk her employment and face liability to allow a couple of asshats to light a huge fire in city limits using gasoline as an accelerant? That sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Bubba and Brittney have been cited for "open burning without a permit within city limits," and are currently cleaning up the property. They're also crying and whining about how they just wanted to burn a little trash, why was everyone so upset?

Evidently, Bubba's father, Bubba, Senior, was the brains behind this project. Of course he thinks that punching your wife in the eye when she tries to divorce your dumb ass is also acceptable behavior, so there you go.

The worst part? The fire also destroyed the tree my kids had helped select and plant on the lot, that they considered "their" tree.

When hillbillies attack, nobody wins.


Tip o' the John Deere cap to Cindi in CO for the source material