When Hillbillies Attack, Part I

Wednesday, May 21, 2008
As you all may know, Hot Sister and frequent commenter Cindi in CO lives in a small, rural community. She and her Smart Man live on the edge of town, in a Fuck-You-Blue house with lots of flowers and my two feline nephews, Tommy and Scorch.

They also used to own the house across the street, which they sold over a year ago. It was a very old house, a converted chicken coop, and they lived there for many years. When my kids were small, they used to love going to visit their Aunt and Uncle "in the country." They would drive the tractor, hike in the local canyon, and help in the garden. Once they even helped their Uncle tear a building down. This is huge fun when you're 7 or 8.

Well, they sold that house to a neighbor family over a year ago. We'll call the neighbors "Bubba and Brittney."

God, what a mistake.

Bubba and Brittney are hillbillies. They have 4 kids of their own, several foster kids, and Brittney is pregnant again. She also runs an in-home daycare, and all of these children run around terrorizing the neighborhood and making the place look like a home for wayward, dirty, snot-smeared children. The backyard is fenced with chain-link (and not in a straight line), and with all the playground equipment back there, all those kids look like hamsters in a cage. There's also talk of the kids eating pages out of books for their roughage requirements, but that's probably just viscous rumor. Probably.

Well, once they purchased the property, the first thing Bubba and Brittney did was collapse the house into the basement, then set the entire kit and caboodle on fire.

Yes, I said fire.

And it smoldered for weeks until a heavy snow put it out.

Did I mention this property is in town? It is.

Good Grief.

But wait, there's more!

Since collapsing the house, there's been a huge hole in the middle of the lot where the house used to be. Well, you can't have that. Bubba and Britney's Chihuahua might fall in and wouldn't be able to get out! So they proceeded to fill the hole with garbage and garden detritus, essentially creating a huge, mulchy trash pit. Because, really, that's what everyone should do - purchase the lot next to theirs and use it as a personal dump. So convenient. So eco-friendly. So classy.

Once the pit started to fill up, Balls and Brainy...er, Bubba and Brittney, decided it was time to do something about the accumulation. Since fire worked so well the last time, they decided to go down that road once again.

Only this time, they decided to use a little accelerant. Gasoline, in fact. Five gallons of it.

And since the lot is sunken down from street level, and the foundation is even deeper than that, the fumes from the gasoline accumulated before they decided to light the match.

You Hot Chicks and Smart Men are an educated bunch. Can you guess what happened next? That's right - an explosion. The fireball was well above the roofs of the surrounding houses, shook the ground to the point where small objects fell off their perches, and windows of nearby homes were glowing orange from the conflagration.

Nearby homes like the one owned by my Hot Sister and Smart Brother-in-Law.

When Cindi approached Brittney about the incident, she claimed she had all the permits for a fire in town, and had cleared it with City Hall.

Is that right? Really?

Why do people lie about things that are so easily checked? Especially in a small community?

It seemed strange that the city would allow a permit for such an asinine endeavor, so my Hot Sister went to City Hall to chew some ass. Big Surprise! There was no permit issued.

When the local law enforcement representative appeared to discuss the matter with Bubba and Brittney, Brittney told him that the city clerk gave her verbal permission to light the fire, and waived the fee.

Right.

Because why wouldn't a city employee, who has one of the best jobs in the county, risk her employment and face liability to allow a couple of asshats to light a huge fire in city limits using gasoline as an accelerant? That sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Bubba and Brittney have been cited for "open burning without a permit within city limits," and are currently cleaning up the property. They're also crying and whining about how they just wanted to burn a little trash, why was everyone so upset?

Evidently, Bubba's father, Bubba, Senior, was the brains behind this project. Of course he thinks that punching your wife in the eye when she tries to divorce your dumb ass is also acceptable behavior, so there you go.

The worst part? The fire also destroyed the tree my kids had helped select and plant on the lot, that they considered "their" tree.

When hillbillies attack, nobody wins.


Tip o' the John Deere cap to Cindi in CO for the source material

6 comments:

Cindi in CO said...

Yeah, guys, welcome to my world.

Nathan said...

How the hell does a house fire smolder for weeks inside town limits? This sounds like one hell of a town.

Cindi in CO said...

Nathan, you have no idea.

John the Scientist said...

Hey! I used to live next ot them!

Anne C. might know this neighborhood, but when I was 5 we used to live in a little mountain town called Yarrowsburg. there was one of those classic redneck families with the cars on cloks and broken major appliances in the yard about 3 houses down.

One day my mom and I were headed to school and they had a car body strung up on a steel cable.

From a telephone pole. Hanging over the road.

Jim Wright said...

Ah ahahahahahaha!

I see you've met my neighbors, or maybe their relatives.

See, the real problem here is that they didn't use enough gas. Ten gallons more, and some black powder maybe - problem solved.

Cindi in CO said...

Remind me again not to piss you off, Jim.