Attention Men: Bald is Sexy, Toupees Are Not

Sunday, May 4, 2008
So we went to see the Rockies versus the Dodgers last night. The Rockies lost (again), but we enjoyed the game and visiting with my Aunt and Uncle, who are two of the nicest people on the planet.

After we had sat down and ate our Rockies Dogs, a couple came down and sat in the seat in front of us. The woman had Farrah Fawcett hair and was a Dodgers fan. We knew this because she told everyone around her that she was, and how excited she was to see them at Coors Field.

Now, being a Dodgers fan isn't usually grounds for being thrown over the rail of the Lower Reserved Infield, but in her case I was willing to make an exception. She was loud. She probably thought she was being friendly and funny. She wasn't. She cheered loudly and leaped to her feet every time a Dodger hit a ball - even when it was foul. She kept treating us to a whale-tail view of her Superman Thong every time she stood up or sat down. She was just fucking annoying. But the real blog-fodder came from her male companion.

While he was not obnoxious in any overt way, he had one of the worst toupee's I have ever seen. It just sat there like a skinned rat on the top of his head. That's bad enough, but it was filthy. And I mean filthy. It had grotty clumps of God-knows-what stuck in it, looking almost like he had put the glue on the outside instead of the inside. It had no sheen or natural luster whatsoever. It had tiny bits of detritus in it, which looked like dandruff. How you manage to get dandruff in a toupee is beyond me, though. I would not have been surprised to see a colony of bugs who might have taken up residence for the duration.

Ew. Just ew.

Attention, men! If you find yourself going bald, please do the world (and yourself) a favor and just shave your head. Don't try and comb it over. Don't buy a cheap toupee. And please don't assume that your grotty, filthy, disgusting toupee makes you more attractive than being bald. Because it doesn't. In any way. Even if your head has an odd shape, it's still better than walking around town with a health hazard glued to your noggin. Shave your head. Bald is sexy. Bald is fashionable. Bald is easy to take care of, and you won't inadvertently provide a home to a colony of gnats, or worse.

But best of all, bald is not a cheap, laughable toupee. Do it for your girlfriend. Do it for yourself. Do it for the Children. Just do it.

16 comments:

Tania said...

I'm having SAS run an analysis for me, I'm reading RSS feeds for about 5 minutes...

MEN!! Now hear this! I offer you three sexy bald/shaved men I wouldn't toss out of my bed for eating crackers with gjetost in it:

1) Patrick Stewart
2) Lawrence Fishburne
3) Billy Zane

Ah, I see some p values and r^2s that need to be discussed. Later...

Michelle K said...

Ok, so, I mostly agree with you, but there ARE exceptions.

My friend Andy being one of them. One summer he decided to shave his head, because it would be cooler and easier to deal with.

What we (because I held the clippers) discovered was that this was a Bad Thing.

When he was a kid, he and his brother were playing/fighting, and Andy ended up falling backwards and bashing his head into the sidewalk. Because of this, he has a VERY unattractive somewhat disturbing dent/bump combination on the very back of his head.

Luckily, although he is losing his hair, he should be able to keep the fringe on the back of the head that will hide the dent.

Michelle K said...

I almost forgot.

Aside from those few exceptions, bald is MUCH better than toupees/comb overs/bad man hair.

Tania said...

Hurrah! Project partner just found me in the library. He's running analyses on our data, so I just have to go write write write some more. We'll meet up again at 7 PM. Woo hoo!

(yes, I just hijacked your thread)

I was going to second Michelle's comment on some things need hidden. A friend of mine has a very prominent scar along his scalp from a swing-set accident. It's good to have it disguised by his hairline. When he shaved his head, he'd tell people he got it chainsaw dueling. If you knew the guy and saw the scar, you'd believe it.

Back to writing!

Nathan said...

While I've got some thinning on the top, if the rest of the men in my family are any clue, I shouldn't have to make any awkward choices.

As far as scarring goes, I had some tiny thing removed from my back before I was a year old. As I grew, so did the scar. When anyone asks, I say I survived a shark attack.

Michelle K said...

Nathan,

Receding hair lines come from your mother's side of the family.

The yamaka bald spot comes from your father's side of the family.

Just in case you wanted to worry about it.

vince said...

Speaking as one who is folliclely-challenged, I doth quote from one of my favorite singer/songwriter/strange persons, the late Frank Zappa:

You are what you is
You is what you am
(A cow don't make ham...)
You ain't what you're not
So see what you got
You are what you is
An' that's all it 'tis

Jeri said...

Amen sister! Toupees suck, but bald is sexy. Add Vin Diesel to your list... mmm.

Cindi in CO said...

Better add Ed Harris to the list as well.

Jim Wright said...

Well, so far I'm not losing any hair - and I wish I would. Really, I'm probably the only guy on the planet who really, really wouldn't give a shit if it all fell out tomorrow (though that would probably bother other, as the back of my head is also fairly scarred up. Remember folks, either wear a helmet or be sure to duck). I keep my hair shaved very close and when it's longer than a 1/4 inch it just annoys the hell out of me. With the price of haircuts these days, I'd save a bundle if it would just fall out.

And doesn't your cell phone have camera capability, Janiece? Because the only thing that would be funnier than your story, would be your story with pictures :)

Janiece Murphy said...

Jim, I will not befoul my blog with a photo of that nastiness.

Bite your tongue.

doug said...

So funny! My new novel, Hairdos of the Mildly Depressed, is all about a guy trying to live and love under the cover of several bad hair systems. Wish I would have read this post while I was writing the book!

www.dougcrandell.com

Janiece Murphy said...

Welcome, Doug.

Bad hair days are indeed a bitch. This guy, however, was having a bad toupee year.

John said...

Awesome. I have been dealing with a receding hairline since high school. I did shave a few times while in the National Guard and Regular Army but always let it grow back. Now I have accepted my lot and decided to keep it shaved. I have received many compliments (especially from the females). I started with a regular razor but after a week, I went with the Headblade. The Headblade sells online but also at other stores like RiteAid, Bartell's Drugs and such.

John said...

Awesome. I have been dealing with a receding hairline since high school. I did shave a few times while in the National Guard and Regular Army but always let it grow back. Now I have accepted my lot and decided to keep it shaved. I have received many compliments (especially from the females). I started with a regular razor but after a week, I went with the Headblade. The Headblade sells online but also at other stores like RiteAid, Bartell's Drugs and such.

Janiece Murphy said...

Welcome, John.