Iowa Caucuses - Pass the Bong

Friday, January 4, 2008
So far, I've been pretty successful in my procrastination. I've been posting on this blog daily since November 29th, and thus far I've managed not to write about the presidential primaries.

Alas, now that the Iowa caucuses are done, the time has come.

First of all, who the hell thought up the system for the Iowa Caucus, and what kind of controlled substances were they using?

Herb: Hey, Sam, let's decide how Iowa will pick the presidential front-runners.

Sam: Sounds good, Herb. Pass the Bong.

**Sometime Later**

H: Hee, hee, hee! That's some good shit!

S: Duuuude!

H: We are so smart. We can totally figure out the coolest system for picking presidential candidates!

S: Pass the Cheetos.

H: First, let's divide the state up into 1,784 precincts. That's where all the action will be!

S: Pass the Doritos.

H: Think we should have a Bong at the door of each precinct?

S: Pass the Bong.

H: Nah, I don't want to share my good shit.

S: Pass the Nestle's Crunch.

H: Once the people are in the precincts, we can have them declare for whichever candidate floats their boat! Sort of like one of those black, spiritual churches!

S: Pass the Frito's.

H: They can each go to a separate area of the room, based on who they support, sort of like when you had to pick sides in an argument in elementary school!

S: Pass the Pork Chop on a Stick.

H: Then we can count each person in each group...multiply the number by the number of delegates allotted to the precinct...then divide by the number attending the caucus...DUUUUDE!

S: Pass the Fried Twinkies.

H: Dude, this system is going to rule! Soon all the states will be doing it this way! This is way better than simply voting!

S: Pass the Bong.

Ahem.

So it turns out that Romney's money didn't really get the job done for him, and Hilary's Machine™ isn't as infallible as we've been led to believe. Let's take a look at our current front runners, shall we?

Barack Obama is clearly a very bright man. I've read both his books, and his message of reconciliation and hope resonated with me. I want to believe that he's sincere in his intentions and beliefs, and I want to believe that his lack of experience in foreign affairs won't handicap him.

Unfortunately, no one passed me the bong.

In my mind, Barack simply does not have the experience necessary to successfully lead this nation during this time. We're in a state of war, and his experience in foreign affairs will be crucial to a successful administration. Additionally, his agreement to accept donations from rap stars who's lyrics are so offensive radio stations won't play them even in "clean" form belies his message of hope and dignity. Seriously, dude, hypocrisy much?

Mike Huckabee...well. At first I thought, "Here's another born-again evangelical who's going to save us from ourselves. Bleh. But at least he appears to be honest!" Yes, well, that last part's not entirely true, now, is it? Turns out former Governor Huckabee was using his office for illicit purposes, and taking money through dummy corporations because, you know, being a politician just doesn't pay as well as it should. Especially when compared to his stunning career as a Baptist Minister. That's where the big bucks are.

A lot can happen between now and November. It's absolutely possible that Obama and Huckabee won't be the contenders after Super-Tuesday. We could have Hillary's Machine™ and Romney, instead. Or John Edwards and President 9/11 himself.

Pass the Bong.

6 comments:

Cindi in CO said...

What was the joke I just read about Rudy? That he only needs three words to form a sentence. A noun, a verb and 9/11.

John the Scientist said...

Duuuuuude! You thought an Arkansas governor was honest?!?

One of my college rommates is a chemist for the State of Arkansas. He has got some stories.

And I've been a Baptist all my life, except for the agnostic period in college. One thing I've learned is that when a fundamentalist preacher gets into media evangelism, music recording (any genre - see Jessica Simpson's creepy dad), or politics, it's a sure bet he's a huckster with no real religious feeling whatsoever.

There is that little tag in the New Testament about "I" getting smaller while "He" gets bigger in a real Christian's life. You just can't plaster your face on TV and live by that rule.

John the Scientist said...

And no, I do not exclude Billy Graham from that last sweeping generalization.

Janiece Murphy said...

Duuude! I guess someone did pass me the Bong...

John, I have to agree with you - pastors that spend more time getting their faces in the news than they do "tending their flock" are typically Up To No Good. Whatever happened to toiling in obscurity?

And in the vein of Rudy/9-11 jokes:

"Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven.'" --Seth Meyers

Jeri said...

When I was in high school, I was nominated for and went to Girl's State - a mock state government camp set up to teach youth about politics and leadership.

I don't know what happened to that girl - the one who ran for Lieutenant governor.

I'm so burned out and apathetic about the process - it seems like it just does NOT work anymore.

Is it that we were able to field better candidates and leverage the political process better in the past? Or is it that our media does such a good job of muckraking that it just seems like the candidates are more deeply flawed and the process more problematic?

I can't imagine actually working in politics. It would be an incredibly disillusioning job.

(Note: just saw Charlie Wilson's War this weekend - excellent movie - and there's a politician who enjoyed his job!)

Janiece Murphy said...

Jeri, I don't know the answer. I remember being so excited about the idea of voting in my first presidential election in 1984 (I voted for Reagan). Now I vote in every election because I take my franchise seriously, but mostly it's just a big, boring chore. It's been forever since a politician actually had something of substance to say that didn't turn out to be pandering or raw hypocrisy.

It's thoroughly depressing, and I understand why so many voters are disengaged - not giving a shit tempts me, too.

Stupid responsibility. Stupid role-model behavior for my kids. Stupid citizenship.