Bitch, Please

Saturday, August 22, 2009
You know, there are certain forms of bad manners that piss me right the hell off.

And on the top of that list is those able-bodied, self-important fucksticks who think that parking in a spot reserved for the disabled is okay. After all, it's only for a minute. I'm in a hurry. There are other handicapped spots open.

Bitch, please. You are going into a COFFEE SHOP, not the EMERGENCY ROOM. Whatever your hurry is, I'm quite positive it's not a matter of life and limb, and in fact is 100% related to your lazy ass not wanting to walk the 25 feet from a non-handicapped spot to the door.

ATTENTION SELF-IMPORTANT FUCKSTICKS: PARKING IN A HANDICAPPED SPOT IS NEVER OKAY UNLESS YOU'RE APPROACHING THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND YOU OR SOMEONE WITH YOU IS BLEEDING PROFUSELY.

You're not so important that you get to park wherever the hell you want. It's not "just for a minute" and I don't give a good goddamn if there are other handicapped spaces available. IT'S NOT OKAY.

If I see you parking in a handicapped spot and you don't have a placard or appropriate license plates, and it's evident that your only disability is that you're a lazy fuckwad, then one of the following things is going to happen:
  1. I will leave a note on your windshield with a pithy comment. Today's was suggested by the Smart Man: "So you're mentally handicapped?"
  2. I will call the local law enforcement agency to have you ticketed or towed, preferably both.
  3. I will confront you personally, and give you the dressing down you so richly deserve, Navy Senior NCO style.

I'm considering a fourth option, where I take a photo of the offending vehicle (license plate showing) and post it here in a "Wall of Shame" feature. Or even a fifth option, where I go all Tonya Harding on your ass, thus ensuring your legal usage of the handicapped spaces.

Christ on a crutch, people - can't you see how foul it is to park there when you're able-bodied?

16 comments:

Venus Vaughn said...

Agreed.

However, the reason this able-bodied person stays out of the Handicapped parking spaces (no matter how tempting they look) is not fear of retribution from someone such as yourself. It's out of fear that some mystical unit / god / God / Universe-themed Secret will see me parking there and take it as a sign that I don't appreciate my two legs, and thus conspire to take them away from me.

Perhaps it will take them away via a messenger such as yourself, or some slow wasting disease. Either way, I'll walk the extra 50 feet, burn the single extra calorie and be thankful for my two working legs.

vince said...

I have a friend who will call the police department any time he sees this happen, He then hangs around, and if the person returns to leave before the cops arrive, he takes a picture with his cell phone and waits for the cops to show up. He's evil that way.

I love my friends!

neurondoc said...

Janiece, you're my hero. If you don't mind, I am going to print this out and keep copies in my car for use when necessary. I can't wait. :-)

neurondoc said...

And I am totally taking photos of the license plates.

Janiece Murphy said...

Venus, my Hot Mom feels the same way. Tempting fate, so to speak.

Natalie, you are most welcome to use this entry any way you want. Although I really liked your own strategy of blocking the car of the fuckstick who took the handicapped spot at your kid's daycare.

mom in northern said...

You want to talk evil...

How about some strategically placed large nails behind the back
Tires….or is the just too destructive?

The idea still makes me smile.. :-)

ntsc said...

Nails are passe, unscrew the valve stem, preferably all four.

If it is small store, go in, and in Parade Ground Voice announce you have called the police on the person parking improperly in the handicapped zone. Know where to e-mail the photo.

And having been a Sargent, I can still to a passible imitation of one.

Have you noticed that most cars that do this seem to be Cadillacs or similar?

Nathan said...

Not to get technical or anything, but if you intend to "go all Tonya Harding" on someone's ass, you're going to have to keep a Gillooly in your trunk. Now that would show dedication!

Janiece Murphy said...

NTSC, I like the idea of public humiliation in the business the asshat is patronizing. Hee!

Jerry Critter said...

I like the "Wall Of Shame" idea. Maybe there should be a "Wall OF Shame" website.

Random Michelle K said...

That always boggles my mind.

When we take my grandmother anywhere, I mostly use the parking permit, even if I drop her off at the door, because 1) sometimes we can get her to walk back to the car for extra exercise and 2) if she's not up to walking back to the car she's probably also not up to standing there while I go fetch the car from half a mile away.

But I always feel like an ass when I park and then run my able bodied self into the store to catch up with her.

What pisses me off is the local Kroger's that has spaces marked "parent with child" *closer* than the handicapped spaces.

NOTE: When Grandmom is not with us, we park at the far end of the parking lot so a) we can get a teeny bit of extra exercise and b) so I can easily find the car--it's the one with no one else parked any where near it.

Carol Elaine said...

Do not get me started. I've gotten into arguments with people I probably shouldn't have (i.e., scary and intimidating looking) because of this. What I really need to do is remember to program the proper police number in my phone, because I'm not about to call 911 and I can never remember what number to call.

I'd like to think that I'd get this upset because I just don't like to see people do wrong, but the truth is my mom is handicapped, my first boyfriend has spent most of his life in a wheelchair, one of my nephews was born with numerous birth defects and my roommate is now handicapped due to a messed up back and a shattered knee and can only walk with a cane. So yeah, it's fucking personal with me.

Fuckers should be glad I don't carry around a baseball bat, for use on either their legs or their cars.

I don't advocate disabling the vehicle, though. That just means it's taking up the space for even longer. Getting it legally towed is best. Inconveniences the fucker due to lack of vehicle, puts some negative information on its record and hits them hard in the wallet. Only thing that would make it sweeter would be asking the establishment to put up its own wall of shame for these assholes.

Carol Elaine said...

Addendum: the establishment's Wall of Shame would ideally include both mugshot and license plate photo. I'd like to see someone ask for the offending driver to come up front, then take a photo of the asshole as it watches the car being towed away. That would be sweet.

Janiece said...

Carol Elaine, I LOVE the idea of the coffee shop having the Wall of Shame.

And I'm thinking handicapped parking enforcement might be a good mid-life career change for me...

Anne C. said...

Yesterday I saw a car parked, not IN the HC parking spaces, but in the stripey zone between them. o.O
"But Officer, I wasn't parked in the handicap space!"
Hello? Like, they need that stripey zone. That's why it's theeerrree! Duh!

What about someone who parks in the HC space, but leaves the driver so s/he can move it if need be? (I had a friend who did this while his wife ran in and he got the hairy eyeball from a bystander. It was gigantor Costco type lot, if I recall, and a two-way walk from the outer rim would have been twice as long as the actual in store time.)

Janiece said...

Anne, I'm afraid I'm a bit stabby when it comes to this.

I don't believe leaving the driver to move the car if needed is an acceptable compromise. If someone really needs a HC space, and has the requisite placard, why the hell should they have to get out of their car and ask someone to move so they can park? It puts the HC parker in the position of having to ask for people to respect their rights, which I think is completely unecessary.

In the scenario you just described, there's no reason the driver couldn't drop off the purchaser at the door and then circle the parking lot a few times while waiting for them to be done.