'Tard of the Week - Fort Dix Terrorists

Thursday, August 20, 2009
Disclaimer: Even though this happened in 2007, I just found out about it through Cracked's August 18th article entitled "The 5 Most Embarrassing Failures in the History of Terrorism," so it's being featured a day late and a dollar short.

I love Cracked. I want to marry it and have its babies.

So it seems that some young jihadists decided that the perfect terrorist attack would involve infiltrating Fort Dix, an Army base in New Jersey, and killing service members there. They practiced their happy dance, shooting off their weapons and dancing around triumphantly, shouting their terror-filled slogans. "FEAR US. WE ARE TERRORISTS. ROCK ON." Of course they recorded their antics, apparently for posterity. But then they couldn't figure out how to copy the footage. Because really, the important part of being an effective terrorist isn't being clever, or smart, or informed, or technologically savvy. It's about the passion, baby. And the slogans. Don't forget the slogans.

So these geniuses took the DVD to a Circuit City to have it copied. No, I'm not making that up. And the Circuit City employee rightly called the authorities.

The end game is that their little terrorist cell was infiltrated by the FBI, who had a ridiculously easy time finding sufficient evidence to send these jokers to prison.

Even though these stupid motherfuckers weren't Cracked's number one failed terrorist, I chose them as my 'tard this week because really, getting outed by Circuit City's Tech Support is much more embarrassing than blowing yourself up. Imagine the prison yard cred:

Fort Dix Terrorist: I am bad. I'm in here for terrorism.

Inmate: Really? I'm in here for 1st degree murder.

Fort Dix Terrorist: If the FBI hadn't arrested me, I'd have done all those guys.

Inmate: I was caught because the prosecutor used a combination of DNA evidence and Forensic Entomology. How did they catch you?

Fort Dix Terrorist: The fucking Circuit City guy, man. He narced us out when we took our terror DVD to get it copied.

Inmate: I'm sorry, you recorded your intentions and then took the footage to Circuit City to have it copied? Pardon me while I go find a shiv. You are TOO FUCKING STUPID TO LIVE.
Of course, this would be a lot more funny if we could count on all the terrorists to be this dumb.

8 comments:

Carol Elaine said...

One of us is psychic - I was just reading that article. I don't visit Cracked on a regular basis, but I thought I'd mosey over there today. Which is why I have six tabs open for various Cracked lists.

But yeah - that's the height of stupidity. I remember hearing about it in 2007 and could only shake my head.

Dr. Phil (Physics) said...

Don't forget that Circuit City is GONE. Failed. Bankrupt. Out of Business.

Dr. Phil

Nathan said...

I sure wouldn't want to be in your shoes!

If these guys ever:
-get out of jail,
-find someone willing to give them a ride,
-figure out where Parker is,
-drive there,
-remember they need weapons,
-go get weapons,
-drive back to Parker,
-realize they forgot your address,
-drive to an internet cafe and get your address again,
-drive to your house,
-remember they should have bought ammo for the weapons,
-drive back to your house.


Oh, never mind. You should be fine.

Janiece Murphy said...

Yeah, Nathan, I'm thinking this probably will not keep me up at night.

Steve Buchheit said...

Plus, you know, wanting to attack an active military base. You know, the place where we house the guns and the people who know how to use them.

Yeah, now if we could only get the real terrorists to be so stupid.

Steve Buchheit said...

Well, I guess this security may have stumped them as well security-fail at failblog.

Wendy said...

Maybe this is the real reason Cicuit City went out of busines...
Your choice of Terrorist or Gub'ment conspiracy!

WendyB_09

Jim Wright said...

I think I know these guys, didn't they used to work for the CIA?