July 'Tard of the Month

Monday, August 3, 2009
Is July over already? It hardly seems possible that the summer is progressing so quickly. Maybe it's because the weather's been so unseasonably cool. Or maybe I should quit drinking so much.

In any event, it's time to vote on the July 'Tard of the Month! This month's choices include Nathaniel Stumpf, who thinks that reclaiming the wallet he lost while committing a crime is the best plan EVER; FoxNews.com and CNET.com, who believe that the military is trying to create a zombie robot; and Major Stefen Frederick Cook, who volunteered to deploy to a combat zone only so that he could "legitimately" expose himself as a "birther." I'm not sure how I ended up with only three 'tards this month - you know it's not because people are getting smarter. It must be because I'm a big slacker.

What say you, Hot Chicks and Smart Men?

14 comments:

vince said...

I have a feeling this one's gonna be a blowout.

Steve Buchheit said...

Well, for my money, Major Cook is just a tool. Fox and CNET are the one directing the tools.

Megan said...

Yeah, as I understand it, Cook's just a dumbass. He can't beat Fox News in a 'tard competition.

mfheadcase said...

Nathaniel Stumpf seems to me to be a run of the mill stupid crook, of the sort who shows up often in the "weird news" sections of many newspapers and websites.

The Fox and CNET screwup, also seems all to common, going for the thrill instead of the facts in supposed "news" reporting. Disappointing, but all too common, as so many have decided they should compete with tabloids instead of staying above them.

Maj Cook, on the other hand, volunteering for a duty purely as an excuse to throw a hissy fit and claim that our elected president doesn't have the authority to order him to do that duty... well THAT is special... well beyond shortbus special too, were talking chained up in a Victorian attic special.

Juan Federico said...

I gotta stick to the home team, seeins how Nate gave hisself the shaft here in the great state of Mizzourah. :)

PS That's how Missouri is pronounced on the western half of the state by the way. Easterners usually say Mizzuree.

MWT said...

Faux News would be 'Tard of the Month every month. Which I think you can pretty much just dub them Perpetual 'Tard.

So I went with the major. ;)

Eric said...

The Major gets massive bonus points for (1) volunteering to go just so he could file the suit and then (2) almost immediately having his deployment orders routinely revoked as a result of his complaint, which has the added bonus of instantly making his lawsuit moot (since he's no longer affected by the order to deploy, he no longer has any legal standing to bring it--if Taitz hasn't already voluntarily dropped it, the court will do it for her as a matter of due course).

I mean, basically the net effect of Cook's tantrum is that the entire U.S. Government gave him the shrug-off and said, "Whatever." How big was Cook's level of FAIL? I'm afraid I have to resort to an old gamer analogy.

Back in the way-back-when, a company called Iron Crown Enterprises came up with a roleplaying game system (Rolemaster) that was famous for one particular feature: the use of critical fumble tables to cover the effects of a player rolling such an abysmally poor die result that it could only be interpreted as an epic, humiliating, and generally lethal failure.

Major Cook stumbled over the imaginary dead turtle and spent three rounds juggling his weapon, no parry, before falling to the ground and impaling himself with his own weapon for 1d4 rolls on the "D" crit table.

Incompetent bastard.

Janiece Murphy said...

Eric, I think it might be fair to also put his so-called attorney in the same bucket of Fail. She totally missed the potential shrug off, which, if memory serves, was her job to foresee.

Perhaps she was too busy putting in a filling.

Nathan said...

Sorry, Stumpf doesn't even rate consideration. He's just a run-of-the-mill example of Darwinism in action.

He's a dime a dozen.

Eric said...

But Janiece, I'm sure his attorney is a wonderful dentist!

Jim Wright said...

Cook.

Because he held up his right hand and took an oath - and his word means nothing.

He's a contemptible liar, a disingenuous turd, a sorry excuse for an officer, and a dishonorable piece of shit. He's a coward, pure and simple and is not in any way fit to lead the men and woman of the US Armed Forces. The only time I wouldn't piss on him is if he was on fire.

Tard of the Month is the kindest thing you could call him.

Random Michelle K said...

I hate zombies.

Eric said...

Jim, in all fairness, the only version of the Oath they had when Cook was sworn in was in a book that had been printed in Memphis in 1863. Long story, hard to believe, involves a number of far-fetched coincidences and strange twists that led to a 150-year-old book of military regulations being the only relevant volume on the base (they also had the stereo instructions portion of the owner's manual of a tank parked outside; after the swearing-in they went out and reprogrammed all the factory presets) but absolutely true.* Technically he only would have broken his word if he'd refused a muster of state militias authorized by the duly-elected President of the CSA.

A few years back, Cook was only honoring a white Republican President who was previously the Governor of Texas because he figured, "Enh, close enough...."

___

*No it isn't.

Carol Elaine said...

No contest: Cook.