As many of you know, I have a dear friend who has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. Today she's being admitted to the hospital to undergo a radical mastectomy, and so my thoughts are naturally with her.
And because she has a lovely husband, two great step-kids (one of whom is a teen boy, with the normal teen boy appetite) and a darling one year old baby girl, my response to her news is to activate the Casserole Patrol and get to cooking.
Everyone reacts to illness in their own way. For me, that reaction is cooking. I spent Sunday baking banana and pumpkin breads for a gift basket we took over that evening. This week and weekend I'll be preparing and freezing hearty casseroles and soups for her and her family, and making arrangements to take them over. I did the same thing when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer last year, and you all e:mailed your fabulous recipes to me.
And after a conversation with the Smart Man the other day, I think I finally understand why. We were talking about how men react when their beloveds become seriously ill, and how in some ways, it's harder for men to accept these things than women. In the case of my friend, her attitude has been accepting, saying "why not me?" and looking at the whole experience as a mechanism for her to learn something she needs to know.* Her husband's reaction has been more along the lines of what I think I would feel - why her, how come she's sick now that they finally found each other, etc. The epiphany came when the Smart Man pointed out to me that men are people of action.** They live to "fix" things, and in the case of cancer, there isn't a damn thing you can do personally to fix what's wrong. That's what leads to the railing against the universe, and why a woman's attitude might be more accepting in this case.
I cook for people and their families when there's illness because I can. People have to eat, and even if my friend is yakking her guts out due to chemo or radiation, her family still has to eat. If my labors can make this time a bit easier for them, well, then that's the right thing for me to do. I know I can't cure her cancer, but I can nourish her family while she fights for her life.
Fight, my sister. Fight with all your considerable strength. We'll take care of the rest.
*Why, yes, she is an incredible, amazing, courageous human being, and I'm a far better person for having her example in my life.
**If you read that and thought, "Lies do not become us," as I did, you win the Internet today.
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8 comments:
Why, yes, even in a serious post, that line from the Princess Bride came immediately to mind.
I can only speak for me as a man, but the most difficult thing for me is not being able to do something to "fix" things when someone I care about is in a situation where there's nothing I can really do, like a severe illness, loss of a house, etc.
So I try to do as you're doing, find things that can help, even when those things can only mitigate the circumstances, not fix the problem.
I'm know that she is also a better person for having your example in her life as well.
My best to your friend.
You know, in Judaism, when someone passes away, the family sits "shiva," and all their friends (and more distant family) come over and bring food. Or send food. (Gentiles send flowers; jews send deli platters.) It has been explained to me that we want to give the mourners time to grieve, and the opportunity to do so without having to worry about the mundane aspects of life like making food for themselves and their kids. Makes a great deal of sense to me, and applies -- perhaps even more strongly -- when someone has a serious illness, and their inability to deal with the mundane is physical, rather than (or in addition to) emotional.
Don't forget about Pedro's special.
nzforme, my family has a strong tradition of FOOD. Almost all of our celebrations revolve around FOOD, and when disaster strikes, we break out the spatulas. I don't think we have any Jewish traditions, but we are Irish. :-)
Mom, that one's already on the list. Hehe.
Janiece, I too come from a long line of..I can help fix it by cooking/baking, and apparently have passed that down to the children. Man-Child seems to be embracing this trait, and when ever someone is sick/grieving/down his answer is always we need to bake a pie. A tradition I am more than glad to help pass down.
(Irish here too)
"I'm know that she is also a better person for having your example in her life as well."
You know how I know Vince is right? 'Cause *I'm* a better person for having your example in my life.
Thank you for being unintentionally inspirational, Janiece. My thoughts are with your friend and her family.
Janiece, I am keeping you, your friend, her family and everyone y'all care about in my thoughts.
You're pretty inspirational your own damn self, Janiece, and my life is better for you in it. Because of this, I know that your friend's life is better for your loving presence.
Take care, hon.
My best thoughts for a quick recovery for your friend.
Men would feel more comfortable if there was a some kind of torque wrench setting that would help with these things.
"Why, you have six fingers on your hand."
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