The Evil Machine of Torture

Saturday, December 1, 2007


Yesterday over at Stonekettle Station, Jim posted an entry on the nature of self-denial relating to weight management. This made me think about my own life-style and such.

Now me, I'm in the "eat less, move more" school of dieting. Sometimes, I join the "eat more, move less" school, and the result becomes readily apparent. My genes have doomed me to a lifetime of struggle with my weight once I got past those fabulous, high-metabolism, calorie-burning twenties.

Which brings me to The Evil Machine of Torture.

Allow me to be clear. I hate exercising. I LOATHE it. I firmly believe the only reason to run anywhere is if you're being chased by a giant squid. Sweating is overrated, except in "recreational" pursuits. FUN is not defined as sweating your ass off chasing a ball, or trying to hit a ball, or trying to tackle a ball. FUN involves beer, and Tostitos, and Entemann's.

And yet, five days a week, I can be found on The Evil Machine of Torture, sweating away while watching TiVo or a DVD. Why? Well, because:

  • If I become too fat to walk, I will no longer be eligible to be a Sweet Potato Queen.
  • I don't want to drop dead of a massive coronary before I have the opportunity to spend my children's inheritance.

Pretty simple, really. Exercise = more life, beer, Tostitos and Entemann's.

Critical thinking can be so enlightening. But I still hate to exercise.

10 comments:

Shawn Powers said...

I'm with you on the abhorrence of exercise. I'd also run from a bee too though, they're actually slightly above giant squids on my freak-out-o-meter.

I hate exercise so much that when my clothes get harder to button, I try to eat less and exercise the same (ie, none).

That said, I've got the strongest, buffest mouse clicking finger you ever did see. I once killed a man in Reno playing the, "You've got something on your shirt" game. Well, maybe not, but I can type really fast, so that makes me cool, right? Right?

I'm going to go skip lunch and drink a diet Coke now.

Janiece Murphy said...

Yes, Shawn, you're cool. Way cool. Really.

David Klecha said...

Mmm. The Eliptical of Doom. I hate those things with a passion. My personal torture device is the stationary bike--if it's good enough for hockey players, it's good enough for me.

Nice to see you in your own space, Janiece :) Happy posting!

janiece.murphy said...

Thanks, David, and welcome.

Yes, the elliptical is the pits. I dislike stationary bikes more, though. But then, I don't want to look like a hockey player.

Jim Wright said...

I firmly believe the only reason to run anywhere is if you're being chased by a giant squid.

Velociraptors. You should always run from velociraptors, always. The key is that you don't have to run faster than the raptor, just faster than the guy you're with (this works with bears too).

And I hate exercise machines. Never could stand them, especially on ship with the deck pitching, used to just kill my knees. I always run outside, no matter how shitty the weather.

Amy said...

Meh, Janiece, we have discussed our lack of portion control issues. But if that damn machine allows me to NOT have to buy a new wardrobe every few months, AND enjoy the beers, then I am all for it! smug smug.

janiece.murphy said...

Jim, feel free to substitute your favorite man-eating carnivore for giant squid. Because, really, you're just as dead.

janiece.murphy said...

Amy, as previously noted, for us, portion control means only eating the donut holes. That's control, right?

Jeri said...

Isn't exercise what happens when you lose your remote control? ;) (just kidding, I actually rarely watch TV)

I've been thinking of shopping for some sort of torture device myself... ellipticals are a great workout but hurt my feet, and bikes are not such a great workout but don't... and they are all BORING. Boring. Boring!

Nice new digs. :)

Janiece Murphy said...

Thanks, Jeri.

Exercise is indeed boring. Hence the TiVo and the DVD's. I've started collecting series on DVD that I haven't seen in quite a while to watch. The X-Files, Alien Nation. You get the picture. I only allow myself to watch them when I'm on the elliptical.

My version of motivation.