Conversations with Karma - Alberto Gonzalez

Monday, April 14, 2008
*Ring, Ring*

Alberto Gonzalez: Hello, Alberto Gonzalez here.

Karma: Hello, Alberto. It's Karma.

AG: Karma who?

K: No last name. Just Karma. The eastern idea that you will receive your punishment or reward for your deeds. You know...what comes around goes around, people get what they deserve? Karma.

AG: I don't remember ever meeting you before.

K: I've been busy in the last 7 years or so. All those wacky politicians, you know. But I eventually get around to meeting everyone.

AG: I'm not familiar with that.

K: Oh, you will be.

AG: You're not calling about a job, are you? I'm really having trouble finding a job.

K: Actually, I am calling about your employment troubles. I really think this is some of my best work, right there with slipping in the blood relation between Dick Cheney and Barack Obama.

AG: What does my job hunt have to do with Dick Cheney and Barack Obama?

K: Nothing, really. I was just patting myself on the back a little. People complain so much about my work - "how come good guys finish last!" "when will that guy get what he deserves!" - sometimes I like to bask in my small victories.

AG: I don't get it. Look, are you going to help me find a job, or what?

K: ::Chuckle:: I don't think you understand the concept of "karma."

AG: I just said I didn't get it.

K: Um, yes, you did. I'm just a bit surprised at how...thick you appear to be.

AG: I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

K: Look, Alberto. I'll spell it out for you. When you were the ass-kissing Attorney General for the Bush administration, you essentially shat all over the U.S. Constitution as a favor for your boss. You equivocated when under oath, and essentially couldn't find your ass with both hands and an anatomy textbook. As a direct result of your actions, many, many people lost their jobs, and many, many more had their Constitutional rights abrogated. Do you see where I'm going with this?

AG: I’ll have to check with my staff and get back to you on that.

K: Of course you will. Well, here comes the "karma" part. Because you helped to screw over all those U.S. Attorneys, and essentially completely crapped all over the very document you were sworn to uphold, you will now have trouble finding employment in the area of the law. NOW do you get it?

AG: I don't know. Perhaps I could call JP Morgan Chase. They might need an attorney to handle the acquisition. I could work for them.

K: Dude. You are really obtuse. The only job you're going to be able to get is as a Wal-Mart greeter...oh, I guess that's not right, since you're a person of color. The only job you're going to be able to get is in the food service industry. And then only if you don't have to work the cash register. Because you're getting what you deserve.

AG: I'm not familiar with that.


K: I give up. You are a moron. I'm going to go pay a visit to the Democrats. At least they're smart enough to appreciate the artistry of my work. Dumbass.


*Click*


AG: Are you hiring? Hello?

6 comments:

Michelle K said...

It couldn't happen to a more deserving person.

Janiece Murphy said...

Michelle, my girl Karma has exceedingly fabulous taste.

vince said...

I hear Wal-Mart is looking for a few good greeters.

Janiece Murphy said...

Pay attention, Vince. As a person of color, AG would be turned away.

Food Service, baby. That's where AG's future lies.

Michelle K said...

Don't forget there there are restaurants that won't hire people of color except as busboys and cooks.

Maybe he'd like lugging dirty dishes and cleaning tables?

Janiece Murphy said...

Michelle, that would be sweet.