The Stupidest Movie Evah

Monday, February 9, 2009
So yesterday the Smart Man and I were watching Liam Neeson kick some serious ass at our local theater. Hmm...Liam Neeson.

But I digress. This post isn't about Liam Neeson, in spite of his long-term presence on my celebrity boyfriend list. This is about what is quite possibly the Stupidest Movie Evah.

The Smart Man and I were treated to the previews of a movie called Crank 2: High Voltage, starring Jason Statham (rowr) and GFY favorite Bai Ling.

The premise is that Jason Statham's character, Chev Chelios, has his heart "stolen" from his chest and replaced with an artificial construct. The bad guy wants Chev's heart because it's nearly indestructible, presumably due to the poisoning it endured in that cinematic triumph, Crank.

The catch in this story is that the artificial heart must be "charged" periodically in order to keep beating. This, of course, leads to Chev electrocuting himself in various ways as he attempts to track down his own heart.

Really, Lionsgate? Really? You brought us Dogma. And Monster's Ball. And Hotel Rwanda. And Akeelah and the Bee.

This is the kind of drek you choose to distribute when funny talented folks like Elana Frink are still struggling? Shots of Jason Statham electrocuting his nipple and tongue with a car battery?

I may sink into despair. Won't you join me by watching this trailer?

9 comments:

Eric said...

Okay, see, this is totally an example of the way that sometimes someone will describe something awful in a way that inevitably makes it sound awesome. I have no doubt the preview you're talking about was painfully stupid. But when you basically tell me this is a movie where Jason Statham has to periodically electrocute his tongue and nipples because his heart has been stolen like Spock's brain in that eponymous Star Trek episode, I suddenly feel compelled to at least rent it.

Eric said...

(PS--I won't be able to watch the trailer until later. O-nay OoToob-ay at ork-way.)

Random Michelle K said...

OK. I saw some of the first twenty or so minutes of crank. Then I have to leave the theater because I was unbelievably motion sick.

From what I've been reading, the *point* of the movie is to be as ridiculous as possible. It's not supposed to be believable. It's supposed to be Jason Statham being FUCKING INSANE.

After all, it's not like his character was likable or anything. The whole point was simply to see how far they could go with the movie.

So, I'm not going to see it (I don't live vomiting) but I'm not offended either. Because that was the point.

Janiece Murphy said...

Eric, I thought of Spock's Brain, too! Hee!

Michelle, I'm not really offended - there's lots of entertainment out there that's not my cup of tea. And that's okay.

But if their goal (as you note) is to concoct a plot that is as far away from reality as possible, well, then they've succeeded. Because I really don't see how this could be any dumber.

mattw said...

Can't see how this could be any dumber!?!

Look at all the smartypants stuff they have: transplant surgery, electricty and it's effects on the body, different sources and strengths of electricity, physics (all those punches and crashes, etc.), life extension, etc. How could this movie be any smarter? :P

Yeah, looks like crap. Didn't see the first one and have no plans on seeing this one.

And if the bad guys want to harvest his organs as we're lead to believe in the trailer, why not take them all at once, or turn him into a vegitable and then just take them whenever they want? That way they don't have to worry about swift and furious retribution.

Janiece Murphy said...

Matt, you are attempting to infuse this treatment with plausibility and common sense.

Stop that right now.

Random Michelle K said...

There's a phrase that comes in handy quite often I've found. "Don't look for the logic in it."

That pertains to movies, sports, and especially politics.

Just repeat the phrase to yourself Matt.

After all, if we expected movies with logic, we'd never have had James Bond.

Anne C. said...

I can't believe they're making a sequel to Crank, which I believe was the last award winner for "stupidest movie evah." Obviously, they feel like they can top that.

Carol Elaine said...

Saw that trailer when CuteFilmNerd and I watched My Bloody Valentine in 3D.

(Yeah, I know. Moving along...)

Bleh. But there were definitely people in the audience who were into the trailer.

Janiece, Lions Gate is also the studio that brings us the torture porn of the Saw and Hostel movies. Crank 2 is a step up.

(Disclosure: I used to work for Lions Gate. I was laid off in 2004. I don't miss working there AT ALL. None of this surprises me.)