Conversations with Karma - Walter Wagner

Saturday, March 7, 2009
*ring, ring*

Walter Wagner: Hello?

Karma: Yes, I'd like to speak to Walter Wagner, please. This is Karma.

WW: This is Dr. Walter Wagner.

Karma: Dr.? I thought your only advanced degree was from law school.

WW: Yes, I have a Juris doctor. So you can address me as "Dr. Wagner."

Karma: I don't think so, dude. I spend a lot of time with attorneys, and I have no intention of calling them all "Dr." They're self important enough, you know?

WW: What do you want? I have important work to do.

Karma: Oh, you mean that chicken little The-LHC-Will-Destroy-the-World-in-a-Maelstrom-of-Black-Holes stuff? I thought qualified physicists had addressed those concerns, and that you didn't have the qualifications to talk about it.

WW: They have not. I aced a mathematics test twenty years ago, so I am qualified to discuss particle physics, and they are wrong. You are treading into libelous territory.

Karma: Yeah, like you're the first one to threaten me with that one. Whatever. Listen, I don't have all day - I need to pay a visit to that complete asshat Michael Vick this weekend, too, and I'm not here about the LHC, anyway. Remember how your former gig at the World Botanical Garden was turning a little...sticky?

WW: I'm quite sure I will be vindicated in that fiasco. People are just out to get me.

Karma: Um, yeah. About that, the Hilo Circuit Court has ordered you and you your two co-dependents to pay the Gardens more than $2.66 million.

WW: What? That's outrageous! I haven't done anything wrong! There will be an appeal, I can guarantee you that!

Karma: Just like your appeal to stop the LHC?

WW: Don't get smart, you peon. I am a former nuclear safety officer. I have justified concerns.

Karma: Yeah. I'm sure you do. In the meantime, you'll be dealing with this judgment, and I'll be running off to go visit that asshat Vick. At least you don't abuse innocent animals like that piece of crap. I'll give you that.

WW: Why do bad things keep happening to me? I'm only trying to save the world.

Karma: You know, answering that question requires a bit more self-insight than I have time to facilitate right now. Do you want me to come back after I'm done with the asshat and help you out?

WW: NO. You're one of THEM. Those who are OUT TO GET ME and don't APPRECIATE MY GENIUS.

Karma: Whatever, dude. Good luck with that appeal.

*click*

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, based on the concept of satire. I have no actual acquaintance with an entity named "Karma," and I have not spoken to Walter Wagner about the court's decision. This entry is for entertainment purposes only.

14 comments:

Shawn Powers said...

I was entertained, thereby affirming the purpose of the post. Of course me as a character witness might be more harmful than beneficial -- but hey, OJ got off, right?

neurondoc said...

I was heartily entertained. Karma, could we be privy to your visit to Michael Vick, too?

Steve Buchheit said...

Ah that Karma, he only visits the best of peoples.

And I'm with Shawn and neurondoc, it was very entertaining and highly humorous, of which satire tends to be for me.

vince said...

Yeah, and the theft charges are still pending.

Can you say persecution complex? I knew you could.

Janiece Murphy said...

Steve, I hate to break the news, but Karma is a member of the distaff.

And yes, Vince, I can say "persecution complex."

::looks around furtively::

Mister Crowley said...

Hehehe. Oh, by the way...

"Karma: Um, yeah. About that, the Hilo Circuit Court has ordered you and you your two co-dependents to pay the Gardens more than $2.66 million."

This is the anal lawyer in me speaking, but shouldn't it be "your two co-defendants"?

Random Michelle K said...

(deep booming voice)

MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Janiece Murphy said...

Welcome, Mister Crowley.

I have to say I missed that little typo, but its presence is making me HAPPY!

Nathan said...

I was pretty sure you meant the typo on purpose.

Janiece Murphy said...

Nathan, don't make me bitch-slap you.

Seriously.

neurondoc said...

Janiece, if you slap Nathan, can we watch?

Carol Elaine said...

Natalie, where will be sit to watch the bitch-slapping? The sofa is a metaphor!

neurondoc said...

If it is under my ass, it is not a metaphor. Just in case you were wondering. And I am too creaky and crotchety to sit on the freaking floor.

Steve Buchheit said...

I smell uTube gold with a video of that bitch-slapping!