The Colostomy Home Starter Kit, Endorsed by Pete DeGraaf!

I'm starting a new business - The Colostomy Home Starter Kit. Trust me - it's going to be HUGE.

You see, according to Representative Pete DeGraaf of Kansas*, people need to plan ahead in life. They need to ensure they're prepared for life's little eventualities, like having a flat tire. Or being raped. So when a woman is planning her health insurance coverage, she should just assume she's going to be raped, and that the event will result in an unwanted pregnancy. Such an assumption should lead her to the RIGHT DECISION, which is evidently purchasing an "abortion only" policy instead of, you know, having abortion covered under her regular health insurance plan. Like other perfectly legal procedures.

Because really, planning for a flat tire on your vehicle and planning for your eventual degradation at the hands of a sociopath is EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

So I'm going to start marketing my new "Colostomy Home Starter Kit" to Republican men. After all, it's ONLY A MATTER OF TIME until some degenerate - say, in a public restroom - violates their persons, and Baby Jesus wants us to plan ahead! So once the inevitable event occurs, these Boy Scouts will be FULLY PREPARED to administer their own colostomy, since their bums will be ripped to shreds as a result of their violation.

Here's my pitch:

Everyone needs a Colostomy Home Starter Kit! Since the results of rape won't be covered under your normal health insurance plan (unless you get the "colostomy only" policy), you'll need some way of getting rid of your crap! Endorsed by Representative Pete DeGraaf! Only $69.95!* Order TODAY!

*Disposable shit bags not included.

I'm totally going to retire on this idea.

______________
*Naturally he's from Kansas. And people wonder why I consider going there a burden.