Conversations with Karma - Dr. Matthias Rath

Monday, September 22, 2008
*ring, ring*

Dr. Matthias Rath: Hello! Have you taken your cellular medicine today?

Karma: Hello! May I speak to Dr. Matthias Rath, please? This is Karma calling.

MR: This is Dr. Rath. Have you taken your cellular medicine today?

K: Um, no. I can't really get sick, so I don't see the point of medication.

MR: Everyone can get sick. If they would just partake of my cellular medicine, all would be well!

K: Oh! You mean your magic vitamins. No, I don't take vitamins. As I said, I'm really more of an idea. Or a concept. But I am calling about your claims.

MR: What do you mean, magic vitamins? I create and manufacture cellular medicine. You better watch it, or I'll sue you for libel. I have lots of practice, you know.

K: That's part of why I'm calling, actually. You know how you sued Dr. Ben Goldacre and The Guardian for their denunciation of your claims?

MR: Yes. Yes, I do. They were defaming me. After all I've done for the afflicted of sub-Saharan Africa! They totally deserve everything they've got coming to them!

K: Yes. About that. What they've got coming to them is about a quarter of a million pounds for their legal fees. Out of your pocket.

::cue crickets::

K: You still there, Doc?

MR: Yes. But I don't understand.

K: I'm sure you don't. So I'll explain it to you. When you dropped your case against Dr. Goldacre and the Guardian, the court awarded them the payment of their legal fees. By you.

MR: But I dropped it. That's not fair.

K: Yeah. But see, I'm Karma. Not Fairma. Are you ready for the Karmic justice part?

MR: There's no justice here! My fabulous cellular medication cures AIDS! And diabetes! And cancer! And cardiovascular disease! They're just jealous!

K: Um, not so much, Doc. In fact, your human trials actually killed people, and most reputable organizations have denounced your claims as fraudulent and immoral. When people follow your protocol instead of using their anti-viral medications, they die. Of AIDS. That's pretty fucked up, dude.

MR: You can't prove that. I think they just didn't follow my instructions or something. Yeah. That must be it.

K: Whatever. You know, I've seen lots, and lots of bad shit. Pretty much every piece of bad shit ever. And you kind of disgust me. In fact, I think I may have to rethink my justice here. A half a million pounds really doesn't compare to the damage you've caused. How about I call you back?

MR: I'm not sure I want that. Maybe I'll change my number.

K: Be my guest. I have everyone's number.

*click*

16 comments:

John the Scientist said...

Oh crap - he was one of Linus Pauling's disciples. Don't get me wrong - I dearly love Linus's textbook with E. Bright Wilson on Quantum Mechanics, and he deserved that first Nobel for his work on the nature of the chemical bond.

But Linus got dementia or something in his old age and pretty much repudiated the scientific method in his claims about Vitamin C. Linus is the poster child for why we don't accept arguments from authority in science.

Matt Warnock said...

"I'm Karma. Not Fairma." What a great line!

I would imagine Karma must have a good calling plan to be on the phone with so many people.

I hadn't heard of Dr. Rath before, but sounds like one of those guys on the infomercials that advertise pills that will get your bowel movements precisely timed and weighted or something and suddenly you'll be years younger and much healthier.

Janiece Murphy said...

Ah, obsession with bowel movements - the hallmark of late night infomercials.

Hee!

Random Michelle K said...

You mean like a cellular regeneration and entertainment device?

"I haven't done anything wrong, and I won't be hounded by you and your soulless minions of orthodoxy. I haven't broken any laws ... except perhaps the laws of nature ... so stay away from me."

Sorry about that.

Janiece Murphy said...

Hee!

Perhaps the "Three Drunken Trollops" could have a backup band called "The Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy."

Random Michelle K said...

Or a hit song called "The Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy."

Jeri said...

Oooh - can I play rhythm guitar in the Soulless Minions?

Tania said...

Childhood career goal - be the chick on stage keeping rhythm with the tambourine and just looking cute, nothing else. Maybe some backup vocals.

Could I do that? Please?

Janiece Murphy said...

The whole UCF can be in the Soulless Minions. Pick your instrument or duty, as fits your personality and talents.

Random Michelle K said...

I'm the person who jumps around the stage like a lunatic.

Although I always wanted to learn how to play drums.

This was nixed--for some odd reason--by my parents.

Janiece Murphy said...

Michelle, I can totally see you playing drums a la "Animal."

Nathan said...

I shall play the tuba.

Random Michelle K said...

It's the hair, isn't it?

Random Michelle K said...

The tuba? Really?

If we had an accordion we could do They Might Be Giants covers!!!!

Janiece Murphy said...

Partly, but some of it is your claim to be the person who jumps around the stage like a lunatic. That's Animal all over.

I shall play the bass, and sing, like an American female Geddy Lee.

Eric said...

I shall play the bass, and sing, like an American female Geddy Lee.

Hasn't Geddy Lee already cornered the market on playing the bass and singing like an American female Geddy Lee?

::scurries away quoting Pavement's "Stereo."::