Pensive Much?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I've been a bit pensive of late.

I'm not a person who enjoys change in my life. I like things to be boring, scheduled, and under my control at all times. Even the word "change" inspires me to sneer and withdraw. Stupid change. Stupid chaos. Stupid world, insisting on turning and moving forward.

And my life is entering a period of change at the moment.

The Smart Twins are graduating from High School next month. They're making plans for their future, and we're planning the family graduation party. I have some thoughts on their transition into adulthood that I'm not ready to share just yet, but this has been on my mind lately.

Like many people in today's economy, my job is far from secure. I'm exploring other options, of course, but changing jobs really doesn't appeal to me. Part of that is my resistance to change in general, but a larger issue here is my comfort in my current role. I'm an "inside" Systems Engineer, which means the work I do is primarily in support of customer-facing field teams. Any change I make to my career path at this point will most certainly require me to return to a field position. I spent five years in the field prior to starting my current gig, so I know I have the talent to succeed, but I'm rusty. It's easy to get comfortable and lazy, and the thought of having a job that stretches my skills is a bit anxiety provoking. Not to mention that taking a field job will require me to purchase work clothes and sometimes wear panty-hose and I'll have to actually leave the house. Yes, I know I'm being a whiny-butt about this. Sue me.

Without over-sharing, I will say that entering middle age sucks. My body is not the well-oiled machine it used to be, and pieces and parts that never required my attention before now are becoming problematic. If you want examples, feel free to enjoy Jim's litany over at Stonekettle Station.

To add insult to injury, I've been wholly uninspired by blogging lately, an activity that normally gives me pleasure. I'm not producing any scintillating content here and I'm not commenting regularly elsewhere. In spite of my somewhat slow work schedule at the moment, I can't seem to get motivated to do any quality writing (or reading).

Considering that I'm still employed and my family is relative healthy and happy, I really don't have anything to complain about. So why do I feel so melancholy?

9 comments:

Cindi in CO said...

You've got the "Irish Blacks". As opposed to the Blues that other, less emotional folk are subject to.

They'll pass.

:)

Janiece Murphy said...

Being an emotionally overwrought Irishwoman kind of blows sometimes.

Just sayin'.

Cindi in CO said...

Tell me.

kimby said...

Oh Janiece, this Irish lassie feels your pain too!
(and thanks Cindi for reminding us that it will pass)

Steve Buchheit said...

Boy howdy do I know what you're talking about. Add in strains of going from Union to non-Union employee, then being asked to do the work you did as a union employee, after getting assurances that there would be a "bright line." Can we say grievance time? Oh boy.

mom in northern said...

Just remember Kido you are of Irish decent on BOTH side of the blanket...

Janiece Murphy said...

Gee, thanks, Mom. So reassuring for my continued mental health.

NOT.

Anne C. said...

I've been feeling a bit like that too, Janiece. I was holed up on Sunday and Monday, accomplishing very little and feeling irritable about it. Thankfully, I'm doing better lately.

It must be something in the water.

(And I think pedicures will help. ;)

Wendy said...

I think it's universal at the moment. You'd think I'd be thrilled my temp gig went perm, there is a tic more money coming in. And we're still just as busy at work, moreso even.

but BLEH. BLEH. BLECH...after 20 months of uncertainty, depression, hoarding, I'm completely spent.

BLEH. BLEH. You get the pic, I'm too BLEH to type more...

WendyB_09