Conversations with Karma - Fred Phelps

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

*Ring, Ring*

Unidentified Female: Hello?

Karma: Fred Phelps, please.

UF: Uncle Fred! Telephone!

Fred Phelps: Who is it?

UF: May I ask who's calling?

K: Karma.

UF: Cousin Fred! It's Karma!

FP: Karma who?

UF: Karma who?

K: No last name. Just Karma. The eastern idea that you will receive your punishment or reward for your deeds. You know...what comes around goes around, people get what they deserve? Karma.

UF: *Silence*

K: Hello?

UF: I'll get Brother Fred.

FP: Hello?

K: Hello, Reverend Phelps. This is Karma. I'm here to deliver The Good News.

FP: I think you're a Satanist. And I'm quite sure God Hates YOU. How did you get this number?

K: Dude, the number's all over the Internet. And I'm pretty sure your Scripture indicates that God doesn't really hate anybody.

FP: That's a dirty, dirty lie! God was clear - he hates the fags, and the blasphemers, and the Infidels...pretty much everyone. Except me.

K: Hmm. If you say so. Although I'm pretty sure He also looks down on incest.

FP: What's that supposed to mean?

K: I'm sure you'll figure it out, Uncle/Cousin/Brother Fred. Listen, I'm not here to talk about your sickly-straight family tree. There's an event on March 30th, and I wanted to discuss it with you personally.

FP: What event? I didn't hear anything about an event! There's nothing on our picket calendar for that date!

K: Yes, well, I don't think you're invited, Per Se. It's called The Million Fag March, and it's taking place on March 30th. Lots and lots of folks will be picketing your compound in an effort to communicate to you just how unacceptable your actions are.

FP: They can't do that! Me and mine don't want to be exposed to such filth! How dare they!

K: Oh, they dare. You see, it's allowed under that pesky First Amendment. You know, the same amendment that allows you to protest the funerals of fallen service members and slain students.

FP: But they're gay! Ho-mo-sex-shual! It might rub off!

K: Yeah, wouldn't that be a hoot!?

FP: No, it wouldn't be a hoot. I don't feel so good. I should probably lay down.

K: No rest for the wicked, Fred. Better start considering a counter-strategy.

FP: But, but...March 30th is a Sunday! God's day! That's just so disrespectful.

K: YOU THINK?

*Click*

28 comments:

vince said...

Now THAT conversation I would pay good money to hear. Thanks for the morning smile!

Tom said...

You better watch out. Fred's mom will find you through Google, and come to tell you that Fred's really a nice man.

I mean, it's not his fault God told him to do this stuff. He's just following orders.

Janiece Murphy said...

Tom, are you sure that Fred's mom isn't related to him in some other way, as well?

And yeah, God's a real stickler for the hate-mongering and the general asshatery.

Or so Fred would have us believe.

Jim Wright said...

You forgot to add: Bawahahahahah!

Phelps, what a fucking tool. Personally, I sincerely hope that when he's surrounded by teh gayness his little pinhead explodes like an over-pressurized hot water heater.

There is a point where 'religious belief' turns into mental illness - and Fred and his lunatic congregation are well and truly past it.

Janiece Murphy said...

Bawahahahahah!

Michelle K said...

Heh.

That fills me with happy!

Cindi in CO said...

Is that woman in the picture wearing a flag...as a skirt? I'm not sure what that's supposed to convey, but it makes her look profoundly stupid.

Oh, wait -

Janiece Murphy said...

Michelle, me too. As soon as I found that website, I just had a "Tralala, skip through the daisies" moment. Ah, irony.

Cindi, I think it's intended to convey that only they can help turn Uh-meri-ka back to the righteous path. 'Cause the rest of us have allowed them thar gayz to take over the nation. And everyone knows that "the righteous path" can only include white, straight Primitive Baptists.

Clearly, we suck. And yet, I find I can live with that...

Michelle K said...

I am positive that wearing the flag as a garment of clothing is strictly against the flag code: http://www.ushistory.org/betsy/flagetiq.html

Which reminds me, I have an old flag that needs to be properly retired.

Janiece Murphy said...

Michelle, I'm positive that these asshats simply don't care.

Cindi in CO said...

I also think these are the sort of people who believe that the rules don't apply to them.

Not the rules of polite society, not the rule of law, and certainly not the rules of the New Testament. (Do unto others, anyone?)

Carol Elaine said...

Janiece, it's not that they don't care if it's against the flag code, it's that THEY are above such piddling things, as they are boycotting teh gayz and funerals of fallen service members and slain students in Teh Name of Gawd.

Of course, if teh gayz wore such a thing, well, they'd be urinating on Uh-meri-ka. Even if it did looks oodles more fabulous.

Janiece Murphy said...

Hi Carol Elaine! Nice to "see" you.

Yeah, I think you and Cindi are correct. I guess when you're Gawd's Chillin, the secular rules don't apply to you. Or something.

How're all the NASA Brainiacs?

Jim Wright said...

Michelle, contact your local Boy Scout troop, they will properly retire an American Flag for you, free of charge and with the proper respect.

Carol Elaine said...

Hi Janiece! Good to be "seen" - I do come here often, but I'm not so good with the commenting. Still, nice place you got here (though I would expect nothing less, Cap'n). Even if I'm not all that talkative, mind if I stay awhile?

Janiece Murphy said...

Carol Elaine, you're a fellow Hot Chick, and as such, you're always welcome here.

Sometimes I need help herding the cats around here...

Nathan said...

MEOWWWWWW!

::crashes through kitchen::

Janiece Murphy said...

...such as Nathan, for example.

Jeez.

MWT said...

Chicks herding cats. What will they think of next. o.O

Michelle K said...

Jim,

The BS does that too?

I was planning on going to the local VFW (Good excuse to give them a donation too).

I just keep, you know, forgetting.

Carol Elaine said...

Nathan, look at the laser pointer! Go get the laser pointer!

Hmmm, that's not working.

Nathan, here's some nice tuna -- come on, there's a good boy...

::lures Nathan into back room and locks door::

Janiece Murphy said...

Carol Elaine, you fit in just fine around here. No more lurking, sister.

Carol Elaine said...

Yes, Cap'n.

Nathan said...

Tuna, Blech! You have no powers over me. But if you've been lurking long enough, you'll know that I can be swayed by chopped liver.

Janiece Murphy said...

You both make me laugh. :)

Jim Wright said...

Half a day, that's how she's been here and already she's luring Nathan into the back room. Damn, damn, damn, those movie guys get all the hotchicks.

(goes off to sulk)

Carol Elaine said...

Nathan, I admit that I have not lurked on ALL of the comment threads, so I may have missed the chopped liver conversations. Plus I'm a vegetarian - all animal/poultry/fish flesh is the same to me.

Ooh, look at this nice chopped liver I got from the deli, Nathan...

Jim, come on back - don't sulk. I have something special planned for you. *wink*

Jim Wright said...

oooooooh!